Monday 27 August 2012

An Airplane For You Everywhere You Go

'Brand new aeromplain...Brand new aeromplain...wonderfullation of fantasticability....if you are still sitting down, you better be scratching your recharge card!'

This is the new one from our beloved network provider. They intend to give out a brand new airplane, a Cessna 180T plane in the 'mother of all promos'. 

The first day I read of the promo, I assumed it was a hoax. I erroneously assumed some mischief maker was peddling some parody about the prestigious network. Alas, I was very wrong. They are actually serious about dashing out an airplane. All you need to do is recharge every week with two hundred naira and wait. You can also fast while waiting. This one may be your portion.

Again, I'm not surprised that a network will offer to give out an airplane in Nigeria. I'm sure they have not tried it in their home country of the Republic of South Africa. I assume the citizens have a severe form of aerophobia and have a strong aversion for planes? Or they already all own private jets anyway so why bother them with a free Cessna.

They know they can't try such a promo in that country. Things work there and there are regulatory bodies who are on alert, waiting for opportunistic, manipulative and exploitative companies who insult the intelligence of their consumers. They know they will get away with the abysmal quality of service offered to Nigerians. They know they can send fat envelopes and cheques to the regulators at the NCC and get away with such disgusting service provision.


There's nothing wrong in them offering to dash out Air Force One or a Space Shuttle if they want. What I find excruciatingly offensive is that they have floated this promo at a time when their network quality is incredibly atrocious. 

Everyday, you see network users complaining about the quality of the network. Some folks wonder if 'SOS' and 'Searching Network' are now network providers. Personally, at a point, they made me believe my BlackBerry device was faulty. They even made me learn how to do a hard reset of my device without manually taking out the battery. I became that desperate. My plight is shared by many other users of this same network that intends to dash out an airplane. 

I once got a BlackBerry 'instant' message sent by a friend two days after he sent it. I have had several occasions when instant messages disappear into thin air after they are sent. I have had been stranded at different times of exigencies when my messages will just refuse to deliver to the recipients. Someone called me once and berated  me for turning off my phone when I knew I would be needed impromptu. I insisted that my phone was switched on and he repudiated the claim. I told him I was holding the phone in my hand and that it was very on. Soon after he dropped the call, I tried using my other line to call the erring network. I placed the two phones next to each other and dialed and I was told 'The *** number you have called is currently not available, please try again later'. 

Those of us who are unfortunate enough to use them as BlackBerry Internet Service Provider are now used to seeing 'Connection could not be established with the network'. We have memorized all sorts of error messages. We have days devoid of anything that remotely resembles network yet we are promptly cut off at the expiration of the subscription. It is a network that emulates the Nigerian government in the way it treats her citizens. Simply no respect whatsoever.

Before you dash out airplanes, fix your bleeding network. Have you no fear of God? How can you literally rob Peter to pay Paul? They spend billions on adverts and promos yet offer dismal service to the consumers. They are however very fortunate that they operate in a system where there's really no law. And my people say, where there is no law, there is no sin.

They will continue in their folly as they are sure Nigerians will continue in theirs. It is simply a reflection of a systemic failure. 

To those sitting down to scratch their recharge cards, all the best!

I need a lot of things right now, unfortunately, an airplane isn't one of them.

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