The Hunter & The Bush-meat

I shouldn't be blogging...

If Mrs. Okulate asks, tell her my alter ego, Theophilus, wrote this.

Having said that, how can you come from where I come from and resist blogging after you hear some of the weirdest things known to mankind.

Again, I remember my standing rule about opining about Nigeria's intractable slumber. I just could not help myself...

Today, Mr. President 'temporarily suspended' residency training in the country. Even though I've seen the supposed memo to that effect on social media, I'm still hoping it's one of those pranks we get now and then.

The NMA, not just the residents, has been on strike since July 1st. In that time, a 'crazy man' according to my President brought Ebola virus into the country. How that has been going I'm sure we all know. Sometimes, the solution to a headache is decapitation, as I have now learnt. 

In the memo, the residents will be replaced by locum doctors whose contracts will be renewed six-monthly, if they 'behave' well. By behaving well, I assume they will swear by whichever deity they worship that they will not go on strike. For the reprobate ones a.k.a Judases that will sign such bonds and still entertain the thought of strikes, the six-month clause is there to promptly ship them out. Amazing stuff!

Alas, this action is not without precedence. Mr. Fashola did it in 2012 and got away with it as far as I'm concerned. Even though he recalled the doctors he sacked, he had since allegedly placed an embargo on recruitment of resident doctors into LASUTH Ikeja. He was however gracious enough to allow those already in the system to at least continue their program; the system though faulty, is holding and hasn't crumbled yet. Lagos State Government showed the world that it could be done and I presume Abuja was taking notes. They took notice of how many doctors chanted war songs at meetings and then ran back covertly cap-in-hand to beg the same government they recited 'Aluta Continua' against. They took note of how senior medical doctors openly sabotaged the seemingly misguided young ones. They took note of how ARD, AGPMPN, NMA, Medical Guild and MDCN all agreed to disagree and disagreed to disagree. They were watching us.

The federal government owns the teaching hospitals after all, whether we like it or not. They may not have the capacity to keep the facilities running but that's based on an assumption that they really care what happens in those facilities anyway and whether the visitors to them lived or died. Residency training is also just a contract after all and even though the proscription is probably imbecilic, it is a valid and even understandable tactic. I'll explain why.

The crux of the NMA is National Association of Resident Doctors (NARD) and they are scattered across all the national and state teaching hospitals in the country. They are the engine rooms of all the teaching hospitals so once they down tools, Nigeria's tertiary healthcare system grinds to a halt. How best to sterilize a national NMA strike that to yank out the very heart of it. If the proscription stands, the doctors will be sheep without shepherd. Wolves hunt better when the sheep scuttle all over the place. Abuja knows hunger is no respecter of degree or white coat. It worked in Lagos after all. Sack them all and leave a small window for the penitent ones to saunter back for meal tickets; thus the clause of locum physicians with renewable contracts every six months. They'll promise the locums they will be considered first for residency positions when they decide to lift the proscription. So, the locum positions will be filled promptly across the land by 'hungry' doctors even with the faintest hope of a residency position at some point in the future.

Will this work? Why not! The NMA will threaten fire and

brimstone again and government will insist they own their teaching hospitals and they can do as they like with them. They will argue that state governments also own teaching hospitals anyway so aggrieved doctors can seek refuge there. They know most of the consultants are sell-outs anyway. Those ones always whip up some inane ideology about why specialists cannot join strikes because they are 'management level staff'. So, you have consultants, locum medical officers and interns with a battalion of DSS and MOPOL 18 outside the hospital gates. Then, the residents will go to the National Industrial Court and while this is ongoing, the famished ones will quickly take up the locum positions 'for now'. At all, at all na hin bad. You know what they say about half a loaf of bread and puff-puff. That is our reality in Nigeria. All man for himself even if we chant 'Victoria acerta!' together. Again, remember not to make the simple-minded assumption that this government cares that the system will crumble and people will die. They know all that already.

For those who still think JOHESU wants to decimate the medical profession, I'm sure you know Dr. Jonathan didn't have this moment of epiphany during the night while he laid next to- or on-top of- his adorable wife yesterday. Doctors, like you and I, drew up that white paper and he simply assented. Is the Federal Minister of Health a laboratory technician? Is the Minster of State for Health a mortician? Do they not hold M.B.B.S. degrees also? Our problems are entirely in-vivo, they have always been and they will always be.

Again, this is all still amorphous. I'm yet to get a confirmation of this rash action on electronic media. It's all just online so there's still a chance it is all fiction. I personally hope so anyway. But I remember reading a week ago that Professor Onyebuchi Chukwu had threatened that government could 'also do something drastic' to address the nationwide strike. This will certainly make Goodluck Ebele Azikwe Jonathan indelible in the annals of history. He may not be the smartest of the lot but his testicular hypertrophy is certainly unprecedented!

When the jungle 'matures', telling the hunter apart from the bush-meat may become very difficult. Who is hunting who now I wonder?

P.S...

The Ebola virus is quietly sitting pretty in the country from all indications. You begin to wonder if you are suffering from sensorineural deafness when you hear things like a primary contact of the index Ebola case escaped quarantine and traveled from Lagos to Enugu! How and where on Earth does that happen? This same ineptitude made it possible for the now late Mr. Sawyer to pass through our Immigration Services at Murtala Muhammed International Airport. We had to outdo even our worst performance by now inoculating the South-East with the virus. Now, I'm told Kwara has also reported a 'suspected' case. 

I just don't get it.

When You Find Love In A 'Hopeless' Place

It's quite hard to believe Aaliyah released this hit song 'Age ain't nothing but a number' exactly twenty years ago! Two decades already. Men! I suddenly feel like an old man. Anyway, that's a matter for another forum. It has taken some of us two decades to really understand Aaliyah's insight. Better late than never?

I've heard somewhere that the Bible has a verse for everything we will probably ever see and experience as humans. Little wonder, it says in 1st Corinthians that 'when I was a child, I spoke like a child, I UNDERSTOOD like a child and I THOUGHT like a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things'. And there, good people of God, is my caveat. I must confess that I used to have a largely contrary view on this subject a few years ago; just in case you and I have engaged before about the topic, please permit me to change my mind. Only a fool never changes his mind after all. Time and chance have educated me and I have put away those childish dogmas. 

I had a conversation with a very close friend of mind a few days ago. She's one of the beautiful people life has been kind enough to allow me meet. The largeness of her heart probably beats her intelligence, ambition, work ethics and physique as her greatest asset. Interestingly, she's been single for a while now so much so that I wondered at some point if all the I'm-looking-for-a-wife guys in Lagos were suffering from vitamin A deficiency. She recently met a young man who seems enchanted by her and is showing 'signs' of you know what. There's however a small glitch. She's close to 30 and he's 27...

Age! Naturally her expectations of any relationship now involves a 

round glittering metal and sparkling white lace at some point in the not too distant future so she's not particularly looking for any 'wassup wassup' guy. With Lagos being the puddle it is, I had come across the fellow in question remotely somewhere within my social circles. He came across as a level-headed gentleman with this effortless aura of calmness. I was excited for my friend. Then she voiced her reservation for him and it got me thinking. If she had picked any other disqualifying quality apart from his age, I probably would have let it slide. She was not even going to give the young man a chance for something that was totally beyond his control. I didn't think that was fair.

Traditionally, we are averse to relationships with older females in these parts. While it's okay for the girls to date and even marry men older than their biological fathers, it is abominable for the boys to do likewise. That is our culture. Since the man is supposed to be the 'head' of the home, it only makes sense that he should be older and preferably die first isn't it? I got my first father-son relationship advice in my third or fourth year of medical school when he warned me against dating girls who I wasn't older than. He explained that since women somehow aged faster than men, it was likely the woman would be looking like a 50-year old when she was 40 and as a result appear less attractive to her husband who would still be 'in town' then. Seems logical doesn't it?

The Bible clearly lays down the guidelines for marriage in my opinion. 'And a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife and they will become one flesh'. Did it read a 30-year old man will cleave to a 25-year old lady? 'Be ye not unequally yoked to an unbeliever'. Did it read a 27-year old man must be equally yoked to a 23-year old lady?. 'Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the Earth'. Again, any mention of age?. 'For the husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the Church'. Maybe the ages are not specified because really as Aaliyah posited 'age is really just a number'.The naysayers are quick to point out that Adam, the first husband was created before Eve making him technically 'older' than his wife. Agreed. What, however, did his age have to do with the apple he ate in Eden? Absolutely nothing!

You see, I think women must disabuse their minds of some archaic ideas. Yes our culture frowns at dating/marrying younger men but how has this same culture addressed the rising divorce rates in marriages today? Marriages are failing right, left and center certainly not because the husbands are younger than their wives! They are failing because people are not ready to do the work and irreconcilable differences spring up. Does an older husband automatically translate to a properly-cared for wife or a functional marriage? Capital NO! If you like marry Methuselah, all that assures you of is a steady supply of blue pills and imminent heart attacks every time you buy new lingerie. Age does not and will never translate to maturity. Yoko Ono, John Lennon's widow, aptly submits that 'some people are old at 18 and some are young at 90; time is simply a concept created by human beings'.

Don't be afraid to set your own standards. Society and culture require you to conform; refuse to! Your happiness is PRIMARY. When it goes awry, trust me, you'll find that this same 'culture' does not really send you. I haven't said marry a boy who plays X-box till he forgets to go to work on Monday morning o!. If a younger man treats you with respect and comports himself decently and gentlemanly; if he has a strong character and is stable upstairs; if he opens doors for you and treats you like Kate Middleton in Lagos; if he appreciates the place of God in his being and has a genuinely good heart (note I didn't say 'born-again'); if he encourages you to pursue your dreams and supports your ambitions altruistically. You mean, you'll pick a pot-belied, lousy, egocentric man over the former simply because one is older than the other? Maybe we actually do deserve the things we get in these parts.

Age is very overrated. What you should worry about are his ideals, values and sense of responsibility. Maturity is simply not a function of years but of exposure, experience and cognition. And truth is, beauty won't last forever anyway - whether you like it or not of course. Some day, our skin will wrinkle and shrivel and we will age and wither . Simply because we can't cheat nature and simply because for everything under Heaven, there is a time and season. Therefore, seek someone who loves you not because of your yellow face, 'alert' breasts or flat abdomen but someone who sees beyond aesthetics. To such a person, you'll always be beautiful. Many women are married to other people's husbands today in dysfunctional marriages because they assumed love found with younger men was love in a hopeless place. Alas, stones are not the only hard objects on Earth after all. They have learnt that the hard way.

I begged my dear friend to open her mind and pray to God. Never close your mind to possibilities. Sometimes, the best gifts come in the most unexpected packages. Assess him on every other thing but his age. 

'Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter' - Mark Twain.

Let culture frown dear. It always finds something to frown at anyway. Refuse to be a 'statistic'.

When A Doctor Speaks...

Industrial actions by medical doctors in Nigeria have never and will probably never be greeted by cheers from the general public. By industrial actions I am specifically referring to strikes. The usual trend is that in the first few days, the public may understand or even sympathize with the doctors and focus on the ineptitude of the sitting government for not being able to avert the action. This goodwill however burns out quickly as stories of people who lost loved ones from closed public hospitals filter in. At that point, the doctors are reminded of all the oaths they swore and how they are 'allopathic' by the same public that was hurling abuses at government a few hours earlier. The streets are simply not loyal. 

There are typically no victors or vanquished at the end of the day. Strikes usually occur at a price of human lives. This in my opinion simply reflects the value Nigerians place on human life. By Nigerians, I am referring to the generality of people who hold the green passport and NOT medical doctors singly. It cuts across board really and the doctors are just cut from that same fabric so why are we surprised?

I stumbled on an acerbic anti-Nigerian doctors post on Facebook recently and the interesting feature was the way the writer opened his essay with the names he will be called by doctors for expressing his opinion. He said he knew he would be called things like 'bastard' and 'idiot' so he started by first ascribing all the derogatory words to himself before going on. This made me very ashamed. To his credit, he was spot on as the comments at the end of the post were exactly as he anticipated. His prescience was quite remarkable and the doctors fell right into the trap. They took him to the cleaners for writing such and replied him with a truckload of obscenities. I was going to leave a mild admonishing comment on the post for my 'esteemed colleagues' but I didn't think it was the right forum to engage them. Unfortunately, most of the culpable ones on the day will probably never visit this blog.

I don't think doctors help their cause much with such caustic engagements with 'laymen' on social media. The man out of his ignorance of the circumstances surrounding the strike has drawn first blood by insulting doctors publicly. How does hurling back abuses solve anything? As a matter of fact, I think it's shameful that doctors make such unguarded statements and use such foul language in social circles. You are supposed to be a DOCTOR! That is perhaps the most noble of ALL professions. Getting into the ring with people who don't know better reduces you to their level instantly. Winston Churchill aptly submits that you will never reach your destination if you stop to throw stones at every dog that barks. You simply must not dignify every opinion with a response! It is akin to fighting a mad man in the market square and you expect people around to decipher which of the two fighters is the insane one.

In fact, our elders say 'he who is clad in white clothes does not fight a man carrying palm oil'. The internet never forgets so we must be extremely cautious when we address seeming aggressors. We make the same mistake time and time again. Our profession naturally has an aura of dignity and class and it is bad enough that Nigerians think strikes are solely for higher salaries and thus quickly brand the herd as 'greedy'. Even when other health workers go on strike, ask the average market woman who visits the hospital and she'll tell you 'Won ni awon doctor da ise le' i.e. 'they say the doctors are on strike' even when it is JOHESU. We then compound our problems by reducing ourselves repeatedly to the level of the same people we claim and are supposed to be 'better than'?

Please note that because of the peculiarity of the entity called Nigeria, it is probably impossible to avert strikes in the health sector. I have also NOT said doctors should not go on strike if it is necessary to get government's attention. All I have said is some decorum is not too much to ask of a medical doctor. We must conduct ourselves in a manner befitting and becoming of this calling. Engage constructively. Seek to understand rather than reply. Seek to educate where necessary. Using gutter language and sounding like a bus conductor is simply not good enough.

The basic medical curriculum needs a review in my opinion. We need to incorporate some poise and finishing into doctors training in Nigerian medical schools. I agree that it may be from a faulty foundation at pre-tertiary level. This does not still preclude that fact that it can be learned. It is not enough to have knowledge and be incongruous and brash. There's a common saying that knowledge is knowing WHAT to say while wisdom is knowing WHEN and HOW to say it. Also remember that the good book says in Proverbs that 'Wisdom (not knowledge) is the principal thing'. This review in medical curriculum should also include courses in diction, public speaking and relations and must be as vital a prerequisite as the core medical courses in conferment of degrees. I say this because I've heard some doctors speak and I was amazed. Last week, the NMA in Lagos sent a representative to a Channels TV morning show to update the public on the strike and his performance was abysmal. 

Strikes are here to stay in Nigeria. Not because the doctors are the devil's first cousins or because they are greedy. It is simply because they are Nigerians. And in Nigeria, there is simply no value for human life. From the government that leaves the hospitals and schools derelict to the policeman who will cock his rifle to shoot motorists who refuse to park for stop and search to the bus driver who over-speeds with passengers aboard to make many trips to the importer who uses yam flour to make diabetic drugs to the manufacturer who reduced the number of sardines in Titus from four in 2010 to two in 2014 because of bad economy. We are all the same.

If we must go on strike, we should at least manage the action effectively. That is the very least we can do for our dignity.

P.S...

The 'first' death from Ebola in Lagos was recorded during the week. Don't ask me why I put first in parentheses. Now that we know the virus has reached our shores, please take extra precaution with your personal hygiene. 
Whether you think it's a melodramatic cry of wolf where there's none or you have a standing covenant with Heaven that it's not your portion, it is still your hygiene anyway. So you will only benefit more from making it better, with or without the Ebola scare. So, wash your hands properly and as often as you can. There is a technique for hand-washing as recommended by the WHO, look it up. In the mean time, get hand sanitizers and use them copiously. With the nationwide strike, I'm not quite sure where suspected cases are supposed to report to but there are some contact numbers circulating in the media, do well to get them especially if you're particularly at risk. My worry is that the symptoms are rather non-specific so diagnosis from history taking may be difficult but still get checked out. 

More than before, I will stand in faith with Nigerian churchgoers on this one. It is well. It just has to be because the last thing we need in our virtual healthcare system is such a viral outbreak. I agree that we may not be the best people in the world but fate can certainly be kinder to us with all we are grappling with already.

May God help us.

Between Fanyogo & Arik Rice

So my wife and I were in Onikan-bound traffic on Ahmadu Bello bridge about three weeks ago and she spotted some dude hawking 'ice cream'. The sun wasn't taking any prisoners that particular afternoon so when she offered me Fanyogo I didn't think it was such a bad idea given the circumstances. Oh, how wrong I was...

I insisted a check of the expiry dates on the packs of the dairy products before she paid just to be safe and they appeared to be in order. So, I occupied myself in traffic with frozen Fanyogo forgetting that I had a direct six hour flight the following morning. Having done a lot of interstate travelling during my medical school, I had inculcated the habit of thoroughly emptying my bowels before embarking on any journey. So I was confident that whatever happened, an early morning lavatory expedition would sufficiently fix any threats - given that science asserted that normal gastric emptying time i.e. the time it will take the contents of the stomach to completely empty into the small intestine, was four hours. Again, I was very wrong!

The elders say he who the gods want to kill, they first make mad. That was the only tenable explanation I could posit considering the next flaw in judgement I committed. As if I had not tested fate enough on the ground, I devoured the in-flight 'meal' Arik served me. It was probably because I was particularly hungry as I had intentionally skipped breakfast to forestall any digestive exigencies while in transit. Arik Air, being proudly Nigerian, offered me something with some semblance of cooked rice and chicken and red eyes made me chew like my life depended on it.

The first red flag was when I had to empty my bladder mid-flight. I usually never enter the conveniences aboard but the urge to do 'number one' was too strong to ignore. Folks, male and female, had been coming in and going out of the john so I was deeply disgusted when I entered and the toilet bowl was almost filled to the brim with sullage and toilet paper. I ran back! How had all these people I had been seeing entering and exiting been using this I wondered. I accosted one of the attendants and asked if there was another loo as the central one was apparently non-functional. He didn't seem surprised and pointed another to me at the rear of the plane. I entered and it was exactly the same. I suddenly realized I could actually manage till we landed.

Forty minutes to our estimated time of landing, I felt a strange quickening in my rectum. It couldn't be what I thought now, could it?. At how many thousand feet above sea level and with Arik's wonderment facilities. Surely the devil wasn't that powerful. Or was he?

I recited every nursery rhyme that came to mind just to remain focused on everything but my own gastrointestinal tract. I even used 'twinkle twinkle little star' as the second stanza of 'Solomon Grundy'. I wasn't planning to face Immigration Services with soiled clothes. Finally to my relief, we started our descent into Heathrow and eventually landed. It then took ages before my pilot graciously parked his aircraft. The taxiing was endless it seemed. It was the day that my colon was doing the rumba that we had to wait for ten minutes because the pilot could not cross an 'active runway'. Many are the afflictions of the righteous!

I entered the first lavatory I saw as we approached the arrival gates but apparently many folks on the flight had been holding their urges also, no thanks to Arik. The room was filled with men going about their business and I decided against unleashing what was in me there. It would have been too embarrassing. A queue was already forming to even use the bathrooms anyway so I ran out again. This was London after-all, not Murtala. I could swear there were other conveniences close-by, I just had to find them. They couldn't be as blunted mentally as my people. A few feet away, I saw the yellow sign and this time the room was bigger and empty. Ah! Devil na area-boy but God na Godfather.

At that point, I remembered a picture I had seen on social media that said

'people say love is the best feeling but finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is a better feeling'. I also remembered the chorus of Miley Cyrus' 'Wrecking Ball'. Thank God the (un)fortunate toilet bowl that encountered me was inanimate so it couldn't say what it 'saw' that fateful day. Flesh and blood had not revealed to it what was coming that Tuesday.

It would have been interesting though carrying such a 'burden' to processing desk of the British Immigration service. I imagine I would have been sweating profusely by that time with a lot of twitching. I'd also probably have been stammering when answering questions about my purpose of visit to the UK. It would have been a miracle convincing the officer that a bag of 'coco' hadn't burst in my stomach. Na okada for carry me go back Oshodi!

The enemy came like a 'flood'. Literally. Jehovah had the final say and delivered me! 

Someone shout a mighty hallelujah...

Imagine the headline in Punch newspaper the next day. 'Thirty year old APC medical doctor shits on himself en-route London'.

Of Strikes, Wars & Faith.

Eighteen days ago, the Nigerian Medical Association embarked on an indefinite nationwide strike action to protest among other things, an agreement reached by the Federal Government with another group of health workers - JOHESU. The doctors refuse to share the appellation of 'Consultant' with pharmacists, laboratory scientists and morticians. I have shamefully watched each party pervade the print and electronic media with inane propaganda. I am not going to apportion blame as it really doesn't matter anymore. People will die. Whether they are called consultants or specialists, there's only one outcome. The coin pretty much has the same face on either side so it doesn't matter much how the toss goes. I have worked in four government hospitals since I qualified as a medical doctor and all four hospitals were headed by doctors. Did that stop the rot and the blatant daily human sacrificial rituals? The Federal minister of health has always been a medical doctor since Lord Lugard left us. What bearing has this had on the state of our hospitals? Like Nigeria's presidency and religious bigots, it really doesn't matter who leads, so long the job gets done. If the ambulance driver will put the hospitals in order and stop people from avoidably dying, then by all means, get the man a suit and let him start work. Ego tripping at the expense of human lives won't achieve anything. Well, except a depopulation, which the over 100 million abjectly poor Nigerians will briskly correct by procreating out of idleness, power failure and frustration.

I feel for the doctors though. I just completed a 28-day course of antiretroviral drugs this morning as prophylaxis for a needle stick injury I sustained during a Cesarean section on an HIV positive woman last month. It was interesting because aside the paltry N10,000 I got monthly as hazard allowance, the only other things I got were 'Eeya, sorry o'. Ah, yes, my Head of Department was gracious enough to give me a day and half off work to 'recuperate'. The risks are real. Pilots, armed robbers and kidnappers ply high-risk trades also but at least they get commensurate pay. Doctors are bitter they earn so little after the many years of study and grueling training and now, the only small thing they have going for them in the form of self-aggrandizement, JOHESU is coming after. Haba! 

It is also worthy of note that the strike has not even caught the attention of the occupants of Aso Rock after eighteen days. He's busy welcoming Malala, chasing after naughty Governors and scheming how to raise Nigeria's debts by an extra $1billion to fund 2015 elections....oh sorry, to fight Boko Haram. NUPENG & PENGASSAN only need to issue notice of a warning strike and the government listens. But, it is well...

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Human beings are funny. We spend so much resources -currency and human blood- on executing wars

when peace is actually significantly cheaper. We are the only species that commits so much resources into wrecking havoc on ourselves and shedding blood. Sometime while we watched the World Cup in Rio, Isreal and Palestine stepped up their acrimony and what has ensued is wanton destruction of lives and property. Interestingly, I can't recall now when last there was peace in the world and I doubt very strongly there ever will be. Russia-Ukraine, South Sudan, Somalia, Egypt, Libya, Central African Republic and Syria. The list lengthens by the day. Today, there's news that 'pro-Russia' rebels in Ukraine shot down a Malaysia airlines commercial plane killing 295 people on-board. We seem bent on running the human race aground.  Remember the admonition about wars and rumors of war? We're right on course. All the best ya'll. Michael Jackson's U.S.A For Africa's 1985 'We are the world' hit just came up on my laptop ironically.

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Finally, I will quickly site a caveat. I'm going to hit the Nigerian 'born-again' nerve and personally, I don't care whose ox is gored. You can bow every morning to a deity shaped as your 'Papa or G.O' if you wish, so long you sleep better at night. So, this picture

popped up on my timeline on Facebook repeatedly last week. I didn't take a close look at it as I am now accustomed to the cow-dung that has now pervaded social media. Somehow, this picture just didn't go away and so I took a closer look and regretted the action immediately. The header on the picture was a prayer supposedly from a popular G.O in the spiritual circles. The prayer suggested a supernatural blessing by way of a brand new car that will have a key just like the ones in the picture. The prayer further instructed those that believed such a miracle would be their portion in the month of July to type a big 'Amen'. Unsurprisingly, there were probably half a million Nigerian Amens and it then occurred to me why the picture didn't leave my timeline. I choose to believe that someone over-zealously put up such a prayer on Papa's Facebook account. Having read such a prayer, did any of the people who hurriedly type 'Amen' ask by what means this tear rubber Mercedes and Lexus cars will come? Have you done anything in the last month that you expect will yield a car or is it just your faith as small as a mustard seed? Be reminded that faith without works is dead and you must sow to reap because for everything under heaven, there is a season. I am quite sure that if that prayer had read 'You will fly your own private jet this week', the Amens would have been just as much. Diaris God!

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I know I said finally before but something just occurred to me. In my current location, I pass by a veterinary clinic everyday on the way out. In front of the clinic a nice green vehicle with the words 'Animal Ambulance' is parked. I guffawed in Yoruba. They have a functional air-conditioned vehicle designated to convey ill or wounded pets like dogs, cats, rabbits and squirrels. They also have vaccination schedules and routine medical check-ups for the pets.

I then remembered that NMA was fighting JOHESU in my home country and the image of the ambulance that brought my beloved Aunty Folashade to LUTH that cold January night came to my mind. I quickly continued humming the 'Konko Below' by Lagbaja bellowing through my earphones. 

#KoKanAiye  

Yes! Albert Einstein Was Nigerian.

 Tonight, I'm going to challenge all you learnt in Elementary History class. They told you my sagacious name sake, Oluwole Akinwande Soyinka, was the first Nigerian to win the much coveted Nobel Prize, didn't they? They lied! 

Before you begin to cast and bind me in tongues, keep your hair on and let me explain.

First off, I'd like to quickly site a caveat at this juncture. That I will be airing my thoughts on recent happenings in Nigeria's political stratosphere does not by any means or measure mean I have reneged on my vow to my loving parents to steer clear of the political 'higgi hagga' beleaguering the nation. I simply found last weekend particularly amusing so I decided it was worth a few minutes of my time and reflection.

Last weekend, the good and voraciously learned people of Ekiti State, filed out in droves to exercise their electoral rights. It was supposedly a keenly contested battle between two or three men with varying arsenals. Ultimately, a winner emerged after all the machinations and shenanigans that usually pervade Nigerian elections. Personally, I couldn't really be bothered who won. I have no direct or remote ties to Ekiti so their direction for the next four years isn't really my business. I was more intrigued by the politicking and how each candidate went about his campaign, especially on the final day.

While the incumbent strutted around town speaking impeccable Queen's English, the eventual winner had his polo shirt collar turned up dancing to Saheed Osupa with the electorates. The picture on the left is quite self-explanatory. Prospective voters on a queue bearing small bags of rice clearly marked with an umbrella and 'Ayo'. In a country where civil servants earn less than 18,500naira monthly, this remains the most sensible way of winning a 'free and fair' election. 

Imagine walking down a newly tarred road with functional solar-powered street lights with 400naira in your pocket. You've not had breakfast, brunch or lunch and sincerely, you are not quite certain yet where supper will come from. Then, some fellow with a megaphone shouts like John The Baptist in the wilderness. 

'Come all ye that are hungry and own voter's cards 
Come all ye that are heavily laden with poverty and seek awoof rice'

Now, your pregnant wife is at home waiting for money for soup. Your kids in the local primary school are going to eat just as they will take some break-time money the next day. Your gastric acids are still and slowly eating away the linings of your stomach as there's no substrate to work on. You can tell by the worsening heartburns in your lower chest. All this and all you have in your pocket are four miserably weather-bitten 100naira notes. It is only the 21st of June and you are not likely to be 'transfused' until the beginning of July. Then, the incongruous sound bellows from the megaphone again and you stop in your tracks as you remember you had acquired a voter's card a few weeks before. The gods have smiled on you!

So, you scurry into the queue and you're handed a 15kg bag of rice with a promise of an extra 2000naira in cash if you 'put ya thumb on the umblella'[sic]. Explain to me how Ayo Fayose won't win.

What does all this have to do with the distinguished Albert Einstein you wonder? The man was a genius and even posthumously, he lends wise counsel to the PDP. He said and I quote: 'An empty  stomach is not a good political adviser'. Absolute genius!

Apt! If you've ever heard truer words or anything more 'Nigerian' than that, then please be kind enough to let me know. Politics in Nigeria is peculiar and must be handled deftly. You must solve the problems that are relevant to your people. What's the point of sending a village filled with bald men a truckload of combs? A true and worthy leader must connect with his primary constituency. How the incumbent missed such a salient point befuddles me. It is not enough to have lens-friendly gap-teeth or have the diction of Shakespeare. Have your people eaten today? How many of them now eat three times a day since you assumed office as Governor? Twitter and Facebook do not translate to ballot papers and votes. How many of these electorates are even using social media? No be who chop belleful go sabi tweet, follow or poke?

Any leader who fails to address 'bellenomics' of his people isn't worthy to lead. Ask Moses the utterances his beloved Isrealites directed at him when they ran out of food during their sojourn through the wilderness. Hunger breeds rebellion very quickly.

Hunger and hypoglycemia are not respecters of person, gender, colour, religion, age or command of English language.

So you see, the annals of History misguided you all. Albert 'Oladimeji' Einstein beat Wole Soyinka to the Nobel Prize.

The man was simply a visionary!

He Loves Me...He Loves Me Not?

I was seated at my desk in the consulting room some weeks ago feeling sorry for myself as usual. I always thought my job was crappy. Having said that, as irksome as the job is, some days just take you aback. You are never quite prepared for some things. Even medical school does not teach you or prepare you.

The picture above isn't 'photoshopped'. I don't even know how to use that software. The picture was taken with my 'chinko' Tecno phone. It actually looks better here than it did looking at it physically. Maybe because I had to see the whole face and the pain in her eyes. Just another day at the office I guess.

No. She wasn't by a truck. Neither was she attacked by Godzilla. Her 'boo' did this to her.The man who swore before God to protect her with everything that was his own. With every pint of blood in his body. I'm sure the cleaner is still packing pieces of my jaw from the floor after I saw this lady walk in.

Interestingly, she's not the first patient I've seen with such vile battering. Maybe she fits right up there sha in terms of extent and severity. I also believe it is because of the demographics of where I work. Waywardness isn't particularly a big deal in that 'zanga'. I'm referring specifically to male waywardness in this case.

I wasn't particularly sure what advice to give this lady. More bizarrely, she came in with her young son who I presume witnessed the debacle first-hand. That was even more worrisome and I will try to explain why.

I was ashamed that the creature that did this and I belonged to the same gender. I was ashamed that I had to listen to a lady refer to him as a 'husband'. I was ashamed that the little boy seated opposite me holding his mother's hand would get home and call him 'daddy'. So, I quickly switched to the studious-emotionally detached doctor mode. Deciding to stick to treating her physical symptoms promptly and letting her go before I vocalized the curses flying through my mind.

This isn't love. It never was and it will never be. I can understand what it does to a human being's psyche on many different levels. Especially to the little chap who had to see the callousness dished out to his mother by the man entrusted with her care. The boy becomes emotionally confused. His father-figure imprints values on him. Does battery now signify love? If Daddy loves Mummy so much, is this how he should express it? Mummy still ends up cooking him dinner anyway, so maybe it's love after all. 

I tended to her sores and bruises. Besides the haematomas and contusions she luckily didn't have any overtly grave damage, at least physically. Emotionally however, she was probably in a morgue already. Lifeless and thoroughly embalmed. She was trapped. By a spouse that would make even Lucifer cringe. By a society that condones idiocy and hypocrisy. By a tradition that frowns at liberation in the name of 'for the sake of my children'. And possibly by a religion that permits dissolution of a union only on the basis of infidelity. She died a long time ago. The feeling of entrapment just ensured any attempts at resurrection were futile.

I didn't advice her to break her home if that's what you are thinking. I'm a doctor and not a marriage counsellor. I explained that her wounds were superficial but they could have been worse. I explained that she'd heal within a couple of days but could be longer if the injuries had been worse. I explained what the prescribed medication would do and how the pain would wane. I may have also chipped in somewhere that only the living can take care of kids sha. I really can't recall now.

I happen to have three very beautiful and intelligent sisters. Each one has a special place in my heart and I doubt very much that I'd trade any of them for anything in the world. This abused lady is someone's sister also I figure. If, by commission or omission, any man, tall or short, yellow or black, does this to any of my own, I will go after him. He won't be killed. That would be too kind. He will be left with 'reminders' of the day his hand slipped. I will quickly assume he's physically challenged and see to it that he understands and appreciates his disability. Make of it what you want.

Our reality today is that wife battery is living with us in Nigeria. Even if it remains grossly under-reported. It is a value passed on from generation to generation. From father to son. Your father probably beat your mum so it doesn't seem so bad to you. Some were however raised better. Their fathers treated their mothers like Queens and inculcated it into their sons, directly or subconsciously. I'm not even talking about chivalry. I'm talking about simple old self-control. But, it's not to late to 'unlearn' it. That your father towed that path doesn't condemn you also to that line of living. You can choose to be a better man. Surely!

A woman will annoy you Sir. That's just how they are wired. Didn't you grow up with girls? If they were annoying then, why do you think they won't be as adults. You thought they'd outgrow it? Did you outgrow peeing while standing? No! So, let them be. No devil pushed you Sir. You are simply the devil himself. There is no excuse as long as your house has walls. When you are pushed, RUN AWAY and face the wall. Punch it till your knuckle bleeds. That same woman will help you put some TCP on it and some ice possibly before your dinner.

Women need to understand that it starts one day. The biggest infernos were started by a single spark. The man that slapped you today will kick-box you in five years. Do not ever assume it was something you did or said. Never try to justify it. Never try to rationalize it either. The man should have self-control no matter what. The Bible tells us we are never presented with temptations greater than we can handle. We are also reminded in Proverbs that like a city with broken down walls so is a man who lacks self-control. 

Something needs to give. Our health system must incorporate effective social welfare services where women like this can run to for refuge. A system where justice is fast and painful for men who do things like this. A jail term in a zoo seems appropriate in my opinion. Ensure he gets the point that he does not belong among humans. Put him in a solitary confinement next to orangutans and wild dogs for a couple of years. 

I understand the wives will say they've forgiven him because 'love forgives'. I'm happy for you for that. But at least let him do the time. When he comes out you can make up for lost time. 

Love ko. Love ni.