The Hunter & The Bush-meat

I shouldn't be blogging...

If Mrs. Okulate asks, tell her my alter ego, Theophilus, wrote this.

Having said that, how can you come from where I come from and resist blogging after you hear some of the weirdest things known to mankind.

Again, I remember my standing rule about opining about Nigeria's intractable slumber. I just could not help myself...

Today, Mr. President 'temporarily suspended' residency training in the country. Even though I've seen the supposed memo to that effect on social media, I'm still hoping it's one of those pranks we get now and then.

The NMA, not just the residents, has been on strike since July 1st. In that time, a 'crazy man' according to my President brought Ebola virus into the country. How that has been going I'm sure we all know. Sometimes, the solution to a headache is decapitation, as I have now learnt. 

In the memo, the residents will be replaced by locum doctors whose contracts will be renewed six-monthly, if they 'behave' well. By behaving well, I assume they will swear by whichever deity they worship that they will not go on strike. For the reprobate ones a.k.a Judases that will sign such bonds and still entertain the thought of strikes, the six-month clause is there to promptly ship them out. Amazing stuff!

Alas, this action is not without precedence. Mr. Fashola did it in 2012 and got away with it as far as I'm concerned. Even though he recalled the doctors he sacked, he had since allegedly placed an embargo on recruitment of resident doctors into LASUTH Ikeja. He was however gracious enough to allow those already in the system to at least continue their program; the system though faulty, is holding and hasn't crumbled yet. Lagos State Government showed the world that it could be done and I presume Abuja was taking notes. They took notice of how many doctors chanted war songs at meetings and then ran back covertly cap-in-hand to beg the same government they recited 'Aluta Continua' against. They took note of how senior medical doctors openly sabotaged the seemingly misguided young ones. They took note of how ARD, AGPMPN, NMA, Medical Guild and MDCN all agreed to disagree and disagreed to disagree. They were watching us.

The federal government owns the teaching hospitals after all, whether we like it or not. They may not have the capacity to keep the facilities running but that's based on an assumption that they really care what happens in those facilities anyway and whether the visitors to them lived or died. Residency training is also just a contract after all and even though the proscription is probably imbecilic, it is a valid and even understandable tactic. I'll explain why.

The crux of the NMA is National Association of Resident Doctors (NARD) and they are scattered across all the national and state teaching hospitals in the country. They are the engine rooms of all the teaching hospitals so once they down tools, Nigeria's tertiary healthcare system grinds to a halt. How best to sterilize a national NMA strike that to yank out the very heart of it. If the proscription stands, the doctors will be sheep without shepherd. Wolves hunt better when the sheep scuttle all over the place. Abuja knows hunger is no respecter of degree or white coat. It worked in Lagos after all. Sack them all and leave a small window for the penitent ones to saunter back for meal tickets; thus the clause of locum physicians with renewable contracts every six months. They'll promise the locums they will be considered first for residency positions when they decide to lift the proscription. So, the locum positions will be filled promptly across the land by 'hungry' doctors even with the faintest hope of a residency position at some point in the future.

Will this work? Why not! The NMA will threaten fire and

brimstone again and government will insist they own their teaching hospitals and they can do as they like with them. They will argue that state governments also own teaching hospitals anyway so aggrieved doctors can seek refuge there. They know most of the consultants are sell-outs anyway. Those ones always whip up some inane ideology about why specialists cannot join strikes because they are 'management level staff'. So, you have consultants, locum medical officers and interns with a battalion of DSS and MOPOL 18 outside the hospital gates. Then, the residents will go to the National Industrial Court and while this is ongoing, the famished ones will quickly take up the locum positions 'for now'. At all, at all na hin bad. You know what they say about half a loaf of bread and puff-puff. That is our reality in Nigeria. All man for himself even if we chant 'Victoria acerta!' together. Again, remember not to make the simple-minded assumption that this government cares that the system will crumble and people will die. They know all that already.

For those who still think JOHESU wants to decimate the medical profession, I'm sure you know Dr. Jonathan didn't have this moment of epiphany during the night while he laid next to- or on-top of- his adorable wife yesterday. Doctors, like you and I, drew up that white paper and he simply assented. Is the Federal Minister of Health a laboratory technician? Is the Minster of State for Health a mortician? Do they not hold M.B.B.S. degrees also? Our problems are entirely in-vivo, they have always been and they will always be.

Again, this is all still amorphous. I'm yet to get a confirmation of this rash action on electronic media. It's all just online so there's still a chance it is all fiction. I personally hope so anyway. But I remember reading a week ago that Professor Onyebuchi Chukwu had threatened that government could 'also do something drastic' to address the nationwide strike. This will certainly make Goodluck Ebele Azikwe Jonathan indelible in the annals of history. He may not be the smartest of the lot but his testicular hypertrophy is certainly unprecedented!

When the jungle 'matures', telling the hunter apart from the bush-meat may become very difficult. Who is hunting who now I wonder?

P.S...

The Ebola virus is quietly sitting pretty in the country from all indications. You begin to wonder if you are suffering from sensorineural deafness when you hear things like a primary contact of the index Ebola case escaped quarantine and traveled from Lagos to Enugu! How and where on Earth does that happen? This same ineptitude made it possible for the now late Mr. Sawyer to pass through our Immigration Services at Murtala Muhammed International Airport. We had to outdo even our worst performance by now inoculating the South-East with the virus. Now, I'm told Kwara has also reported a 'suspected' case. 

I just don't get it.