When You Find Love In A 'Hopeless' Place

It's quite hard to believe Aaliyah released this hit song 'Age ain't nothing but a number' exactly twenty years ago! Two decades already. Men! I suddenly feel like an old man. Anyway, that's a matter for another forum. It has taken some of us two decades to really understand Aaliyah's insight. Better late than never?

I've heard somewhere that the Bible has a verse for everything we will probably ever see and experience as humans. Little wonder, it says in 1st Corinthians that 'when I was a child, I spoke like a child, I UNDERSTOOD like a child and I THOUGHT like a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things'. And there, good people of God, is my caveat. I must confess that I used to have a largely contrary view on this subject a few years ago; just in case you and I have engaged before about the topic, please permit me to change my mind. Only a fool never changes his mind after all. Time and chance have educated me and I have put away those childish dogmas. 

I had a conversation with a very close friend of mind a few days ago. She's one of the beautiful people life has been kind enough to allow me meet. The largeness of her heart probably beats her intelligence, ambition, work ethics and physique as her greatest asset. Interestingly, she's been single for a while now so much so that I wondered at some point if all the I'm-looking-for-a-wife guys in Lagos were suffering from vitamin A deficiency. She recently met a young man who seems enchanted by her and is showing 'signs' of you know what. There's however a small glitch. She's close to 30 and he's 27...

Age! Naturally her expectations of any relationship now involves a 

round glittering metal and sparkling white lace at some point in the not too distant future so she's not particularly looking for any 'wassup wassup' guy. With Lagos being the puddle it is, I had come across the fellow in question remotely somewhere within my social circles. He came across as a level-headed gentleman with this effortless aura of calmness. I was excited for my friend. Then she voiced her reservation for him and it got me thinking. If she had picked any other disqualifying quality apart from his age, I probably would have let it slide. She was not even going to give the young man a chance for something that was totally beyond his control. I didn't think that was fair.

Traditionally, we are averse to relationships with older females in these parts. While it's okay for the girls to date and even marry men older than their biological fathers, it is abominable for the boys to do likewise. That is our culture. Since the man is supposed to be the 'head' of the home, it only makes sense that he should be older and preferably die first isn't it? I got my first father-son relationship advice in my third or fourth year of medical school when he warned me against dating girls who I wasn't older than. He explained that since women somehow aged faster than men, it was likely the woman would be looking like a 50-year old when she was 40 and as a result appear less attractive to her husband who would still be 'in town' then. Seems logical doesn't it?

The Bible clearly lays down the guidelines for marriage in my opinion. 'And a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife and they will become one flesh'. Did it read a 30-year old man will cleave to a 25-year old lady? 'Be ye not unequally yoked to an unbeliever'. Did it read a 27-year old man must be equally yoked to a 23-year old lady?. 'Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the Earth'. Again, any mention of age?. 'For the husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the Church'. Maybe the ages are not specified because really as Aaliyah posited 'age is really just a number'.The naysayers are quick to point out that Adam, the first husband was created before Eve making him technically 'older' than his wife. Agreed. What, however, did his age have to do with the apple he ate in Eden? Absolutely nothing!

You see, I think women must disabuse their minds of some archaic ideas. Yes our culture frowns at dating/marrying younger men but how has this same culture addressed the rising divorce rates in marriages today? Marriages are failing right, left and center certainly not because the husbands are younger than their wives! They are failing because people are not ready to do the work and irreconcilable differences spring up. Does an older husband automatically translate to a properly-cared for wife or a functional marriage? Capital NO! If you like marry Methuselah, all that assures you of is a steady supply of blue pills and imminent heart attacks every time you buy new lingerie. Age does not and will never translate to maturity. Yoko Ono, John Lennon's widow, aptly submits that 'some people are old at 18 and some are young at 90; time is simply a concept created by human beings'.

Don't be afraid to set your own standards. Society and culture require you to conform; refuse to! Your happiness is PRIMARY. When it goes awry, trust me, you'll find that this same 'culture' does not really send you. I haven't said marry a boy who plays X-box till he forgets to go to work on Monday morning o!. If a younger man treats you with respect and comports himself decently and gentlemanly; if he has a strong character and is stable upstairs; if he opens doors for you and treats you like Kate Middleton in Lagos; if he appreciates the place of God in his being and has a genuinely good heart (note I didn't say 'born-again'); if he encourages you to pursue your dreams and supports your ambitions altruistically. You mean, you'll pick a pot-belied, lousy, egocentric man over the former simply because one is older than the other? Maybe we actually do deserve the things we get in these parts.

Age is very overrated. What you should worry about are his ideals, values and sense of responsibility. Maturity is simply not a function of years but of exposure, experience and cognition. And truth is, beauty won't last forever anyway - whether you like it or not of course. Some day, our skin will wrinkle and shrivel and we will age and wither . Simply because we can't cheat nature and simply because for everything under Heaven, there is a time and season. Therefore, seek someone who loves you not because of your yellow face, 'alert' breasts or flat abdomen but someone who sees beyond aesthetics. To such a person, you'll always be beautiful. Many women are married to other people's husbands today in dysfunctional marriages because they assumed love found with younger men was love in a hopeless place. Alas, stones are not the only hard objects on Earth after all. They have learnt that the hard way.

I begged my dear friend to open her mind and pray to God. Never close your mind to possibilities. Sometimes, the best gifts come in the most unexpected packages. Assess him on every other thing but his age. 

'Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter' - Mark Twain.

Let culture frown dear. It always finds something to frown at anyway. Refuse to be a 'statistic'.