He Loves Me...He Loves Me Not?

I was seated at my desk in the consulting room some weeks ago feeling sorry for myself as usual. I always thought my job was crappy. Having said that, as irksome as the job is, some days just take you aback. You are never quite prepared for some things. Even medical school does not teach you or prepare you.

The picture above isn't 'photoshopped'. I don't even know how to use that software. The picture was taken with my 'chinko' Tecno phone. It actually looks better here than it did looking at it physically. Maybe because I had to see the whole face and the pain in her eyes. Just another day at the office I guess.

No. She wasn't by a truck. Neither was she attacked by Godzilla. Her 'boo' did this to her.The man who swore before God to protect her with everything that was his own. With every pint of blood in his body. I'm sure the cleaner is still packing pieces of my jaw from the floor after I saw this lady walk in.

Interestingly, she's not the first patient I've seen with such vile battering. Maybe she fits right up there sha in terms of extent and severity. I also believe it is because of the demographics of where I work. Waywardness isn't particularly a big deal in that 'zanga'. I'm referring specifically to male waywardness in this case.

I wasn't particularly sure what advice to give this lady. More bizarrely, she came in with her young son who I presume witnessed the debacle first-hand. That was even more worrisome and I will try to explain why.

I was ashamed that the creature that did this and I belonged to the same gender. I was ashamed that I had to listen to a lady refer to him as a 'husband'. I was ashamed that the little boy seated opposite me holding his mother's hand would get home and call him 'daddy'. So, I quickly switched to the studious-emotionally detached doctor mode. Deciding to stick to treating her physical symptoms promptly and letting her go before I vocalized the curses flying through my mind.

This isn't love. It never was and it will never be. I can understand what it does to a human being's psyche on many different levels. Especially to the little chap who had to see the callousness dished out to his mother by the man entrusted with her care. The boy becomes emotionally confused. His father-figure imprints values on him. Does battery now signify love? If Daddy loves Mummy so much, is this how he should express it? Mummy still ends up cooking him dinner anyway, so maybe it's love after all. 

I tended to her sores and bruises. Besides the haematomas and contusions she luckily didn't have any overtly grave damage, at least physically. Emotionally however, she was probably in a morgue already. Lifeless and thoroughly embalmed. She was trapped. By a spouse that would make even Lucifer cringe. By a society that condones idiocy and hypocrisy. By a tradition that frowns at liberation in the name of 'for the sake of my children'. And possibly by a religion that permits dissolution of a union only on the basis of infidelity. She died a long time ago. The feeling of entrapment just ensured any attempts at resurrection were futile.

I didn't advice her to break her home if that's what you are thinking. I'm a doctor and not a marriage counsellor. I explained that her wounds were superficial but they could have been worse. I explained that she'd heal within a couple of days but could be longer if the injuries had been worse. I explained what the prescribed medication would do and how the pain would wane. I may have also chipped in somewhere that only the living can take care of kids sha. I really can't recall now.

I happen to have three very beautiful and intelligent sisters. Each one has a special place in my heart and I doubt very much that I'd trade any of them for anything in the world. This abused lady is someone's sister also I figure. If, by commission or omission, any man, tall or short, yellow or black, does this to any of my own, I will go after him. He won't be killed. That would be too kind. He will be left with 'reminders' of the day his hand slipped. I will quickly assume he's physically challenged and see to it that he understands and appreciates his disability. Make of it what you want.

Our reality today is that wife battery is living with us in Nigeria. Even if it remains grossly under-reported. It is a value passed on from generation to generation. From father to son. Your father probably beat your mum so it doesn't seem so bad to you. Some were however raised better. Their fathers treated their mothers like Queens and inculcated it into their sons, directly or subconsciously. I'm not even talking about chivalry. I'm talking about simple old self-control. But, it's not to late to 'unlearn' it. That your father towed that path doesn't condemn you also to that line of living. You can choose to be a better man. Surely!

A woman will annoy you Sir. That's just how they are wired. Didn't you grow up with girls? If they were annoying then, why do you think they won't be as adults. You thought they'd outgrow it? Did you outgrow peeing while standing? No! So, let them be. No devil pushed you Sir. You are simply the devil himself. There is no excuse as long as your house has walls. When you are pushed, RUN AWAY and face the wall. Punch it till your knuckle bleeds. That same woman will help you put some TCP on it and some ice possibly before your dinner.

Women need to understand that it starts one day. The biggest infernos were started by a single spark. The man that slapped you today will kick-box you in five years. Do not ever assume it was something you did or said. Never try to justify it. Never try to rationalize it either. The man should have self-control no matter what. The Bible tells us we are never presented with temptations greater than we can handle. We are also reminded in Proverbs that like a city with broken down walls so is a man who lacks self-control. 

Something needs to give. Our health system must incorporate effective social welfare services where women like this can run to for refuge. A system where justice is fast and painful for men who do things like this. A jail term in a zoo seems appropriate in my opinion. Ensure he gets the point that he does not belong among humans. Put him in a solitary confinement next to orangutans and wild dogs for a couple of years. 

I understand the wives will say they've forgiven him because 'love forgives'. I'm happy for you for that. But at least let him do the time. When he comes out you can make up for lost time. 

Love ko. Love ni.