Who Wrote 1st Corinthians 13?

You haven't loved till you have loved the '1st Corinthians 13' way they say. The Bible scholars know this part of the Good Book. The part that subtly describes our Lord Jesus Christ. There are many things that have continued to confound me about life and one of such is this part of the Bible. The very intensity and depth of those words that define love make me shudder anytime I read them.

Let's remind ourselves....
 
⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails.

Doesn't this definition remind you of Jesus?

Don't even attempt to think of marriage if you have not ruminated on the above. Not just giving it deep thought but also understanding the depth of the message it attempts to pass across. Patience, kindness, humility, respect, tolerance, selflessness, forgiveness (forgetting included), gentility, honesty, truthfulness, trust, hope, reliability and steadfastness. Notice the word 'always' is a recurring decimal before the characteristics of love? Love is consistent.

Yesterday, I saw 'Rumor Has It' starring Jennifer Aniston & Kevin Costner. It came highly recommended and I was not disappointed when they began reeling the credits. For the benefit of those who have not seen the flick, it's a story of a young beautiful and engaged-to-be-married lady who in a bid to exorcise her demons sought out and slept with a man who had bedded her mother and her grandmother. It wasn't even the trans-generational copulation that intrigued me. Her fiance eventually found out about the illicit affair and he was distraught. When she had realised her folly, she sought forgiveness and her words struck me. She said 'I haven't come to tell you I can't live without you...I can. I'm saying that I just don't want to'. I found that intense! How do you react to a fiancee who out of adventure just slept with a total stranger? He forgave her.

Yes, I know many of you will say it's just a movie. I agree. But the Bible isn't a movie script. The young man in the movie acted out the passage above. There are two people here. She dishonoured him and was self-seeking, she failed him but he didn't pay her back in kind. Instead, he kept no record of her wrong. He was hopeful, he persevered and he didn't fail. If this doesn't scare you, then you are a bigger man than I am!

You see, as I've grown in life, I've picked lessons along the way. One of such is that the heart will love whom it chooses. You can't force it to love or otherwise. I recall how I used to wonder how some women managed to hang around with seemingly reprobate men. I often wondered if they were under a spell of some sort. Why don't you just walk away from the nitwit? The whole world knows she remains at her own detriment and it's a thoroughly hopeless situation. You never know till you are in the shoes. Let her be.

Love is a very scary thing. No! Love is the scariest thing ever. Love is a risk. Deciding to take the risk is totally up to you. Love is standing at the edge of a cliff, staring into an abyss of incomprehensible darkness and deciding to jump hoping you'll be caught by the other person. Love is breaking down your fortress and making a total stranger the sole custodian of your entirety. Love is finding sufficiency in the person you are with. You can be in a room surrounded by nubile brunettes and it's only one face you see in your mind. You know you'll get burnt but then you think what if I don't? Love is putting all your eggs in one basket and testing the depths of rivers with both feet. It will never really make sense so don't bother trying to comprehend it. You just do it and hope. Because that's what love does according to the Bible. Love always hopes!

She knows I hate waiting. I'd rather be shot than sit in the car waiting for anyone. But guess what, she keep you waiting for the most frivolous thing. So, I've learnt to call and 'lie' that I'm downstairs already when in actual fact, I'm five blocks away so she'd hurry with her make-up and her gown. And even that doesn't preclude the waiting in the car for her! But that's her. Remember verse 4! Patience!

She's not been on her best behaviour. She has annoyed you like crazy the past few weeks. She technically 'broke up' with you over the phone the night before but the next morning, she calls in distress and you leave what you are doing and dash down to be sure she's fine. Verse 4 again! Kindness!

You've been out of work for some time. She on the other hand is 'balling'. She runs a successful business and is obviously healthier than you financially. She gives Richard Quest a run for his money in terms of globe-trotting. Naturally, you feel intimidated but you ensure it serves as a drive to spur you to greater things. You are genuinely happy for her while you wait for your own break. You pray for her still. That, one day she will lend to nations because you understand that two have become one and she is you as you are her! Again, verse 4. Avoid envy.

There's been a misunderstanding and things have been said. Hurtful stuff. You blew a fuse and told her off. To go to hell actually. And all through the next week, you 'blank' each other. You're livid with yourself but you can't be the one to always apologise now! She needs to learn her lesson and not take you for granted. Yes we agree! But you are thinking about her so much that you think you are losing your mind. So, you damn your ego and call to say 'Sorry' even when you really didn't do anything wrong. Pride goes before a fall. Again, verse 4. Don't be proud.

You've been at work all day. You're tired and the only song humming in your head is 'Na sleep sure pass'. But she needs to get home after work and it's raining. Conditions are harsh and she's stranded. You don't joke with your rest and even your parents dare not get into your space. But, you are not dating your parents, are you? In spite of whatever policies and principles you have concerning nap time, you get up and trudge along to get her. Where a man's treasure is, there is his heart. You want to leave your heart in the rain? Certainly not! Refer verse 5. Love is not self-seeking. Love is selfless!

Can you have issues and let sleeping dogs lie? The issues of last year have gone with last year. If you didn't walk away at the time on your own volition then leave the past in the past. It's hard but the wound will never heal if you keep excavating the scar! And remember also verse 5 says 'love keeps no record of wrongs'. So, it's biblical to leave buried issues buried!

No human being was created as a perfect entity. Flaws present at birth are honed further by our experiences as we journey through life. Understanding this basic fact enables you to be able to appreciate the little glitches in human reasoning and character. They say the truth is bitter but that it will set you free. Are you receptive to the truth? Trusting someone emotionally to always have your back ensures you understand that sometimes you need to hear the truth from them about some flaws you have. They haven't told you to put you down. They have told you the cold truth because they know you can be better. They see you are a work in progress and you'd need to be beaten into shape at different times. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. Verse 6?

Everybody that knows the two of you has told you it's going nowhere. They've asked you to 'free' her because time is not on your side. The earlier you came to terms with that, the better and safer for you. She'll need to find herself and that may take a few years which you didn't have. But, in all that and more, you are hopeful. You know it doesn't make any sense to wait for someone who may never turn up but you still do. You don't give up! You see hope in the most hopeless place. You persevere! That would be verse 7!

This would be a good point to site a 'caveat emptor'. You can do all this and still get burnt. Crazy isn't it? There are no assurances. You just do your best and love wholly and totally and wait. There will be sunny days. Ensure you roll in the grass on such days. There will be gloomy seasons also. Don't run for cover. Hold an umbrella over her head even if you'll get drenched and catch a flu.(sic)

The point is, love is an experience that we can only learn from Jesus. Can you pray for the one who has driven a nail through your palms without local anaesthesia? Can you pray for the one who has sold you out for a few gold coins? Can you heal the one who has lost an ear while trying to attack you? Can you love others like yourself. Can you lose yourself for the other person?

Saw a quote yesterday and it got me thinking. The author is anonymous but my admiration for the person isn't lessened by the anonymity.

"Love is not about holding hands while understanding each other, it's about having many misunderstandings and not leaving each others hands'

May you find the one that will love you back just the same....
 

Forgiveness - The Sum Of All Fruits

"The weak cannot forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong"- Mahatma Gandhi

There are a few men I wish chance allowed me to meet. One of them is the enigmatic Gandhi. You see, life is a funny place. We all adopt 'role models' for different reasons. For me, Gandhi's wisdom and simplistic lifestyle were clinchers. His words are 'alive' even till today, sixty-five years after he left this cruel Earth. Gandhi's quotes exude selflessness, compassion & humanity. I first read the one above some years ago and it didn't quite register with me until recently. Another favourite from him must be the 'I like your Christ but I do not like your Christians because you Christians are nothing like your Christ' one. Another quote with palpable relevance even till this present day.

So, it's not longer news that the Bible admonishes us to forgive our neighbours. Remember the now banal Lord's Prayer?

"...and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us..."

Many of us learnt these lines in Sunday School as toddlers and reciting it has become a mere ritual. We often do not ponder on the words we speak, thus the Prayer has now become banality. Words devoid of any ounce of meaning.

Since the turn of the New Year, life has been rather caustic in terms of mortality. There's hardly any week that passes that I don't see black display pictures and somber status messages on my Blackberry signifying the demise of someone's loved one. It just never ends. It strikes every cadre of humanity. The rich, the poor, the young and the old. It hit close to home also, my family has visited the cemetery twice this first half of 2013 to inter two Uncles. We hope for a more 'sparing' and 'less devouring' second half. The point is, nothing is certain in life and these abrupt terminations of earthly sojourns are designed to constantly remind us of the vanity and transience of our time here.

If Gandhi's admonition didn't make any sense to me, it did following the demise of my second Uncle in March. We weren't particularly close even though he was my mum's direct younger brother. He wasn't a perfect human being, had several flaws, top of which was his seeming belligerence while he was alive. He had a lot of friction with many people while he lived including my mum and I often thought he got more attention than he deserved. He was someone I just blotted out of my mind and jejunely advised my mum to do also but she wouldn't. Unfortunately, he had a protracted duel with ill-health and finally bowed out of the ring in March. All through the illness, my mother showed me being a Christian was more than a title but a way of life. For a sibling who had received so much venom and ill from a younger one, she went out of her way to ensure he got decent health care. She was always eager to get him up and running again even with all the friction they had in recent years.

Eventually, he passed on and in my thirty years on Earth, I had never seen my mother as distraught as she was following his demise. I didn't need to be Einstein to figure out the fact that she still loved him deeply and his exit struck her gravely. I admired her exemplary character quietly. I was not quite sure I had it in me to be that nice to anyone who had such 'bad-blood' for me. But my mummy taught me. She taught me that in life, people will hurt you but that in the end, we are simply pawns on God's chess table. He pushes us in any direction He alone deems fit. We really do not have any control over the people we meet during our years on Earth. He places each person in our path for a specific purpose. To teach us or prepare us for our next path or to remind us not to lose sight of our final destination.

You see, Jesus knew Judas Iscariot was the one chosen to betray Him. You really think Judas wanted to be the one remembered by all of humanity as the snitch who sold out for a few gold coins? If it was a choice, I don't think Judas would have risked it. But it was not, it had been written and not Jesus or Judas could change that. God had predestined and positioned Judas to be betrayer and he made his path cross that of Jesus at the appointed time. Imagine today, that you got wind of a mole in your company who was about to sell out. You had solid evidence to that effect. Would you sit back and wait for prophecy to be fulfilled or would you strike first and preserve your life? Yes, I know what you are thinking.

We must learn to trust God's plan for our lives. He knows why everyone who comes in or goes out of our lives does so. Even when people hurt us, we must remember 'His plans for us are of good and not of evil, to bring you to an expected end' [Jer 29 vs 11]. He knows why you were hurt and He alone knows what the divine plan is. Let it go! The perpetrator is just a messenger who does not his own will but that of divine arrangement. No matter how grave you think you have been hurt, forgive and move on. Hurt, scarred, vengeful, bitter or otherwise, one day, some day, we all end up in the same neighborhood....six feet below!

Another apt and deep quote that has struck a chord in my heart lately is the one that says 'Expecting the world to be nice to you simply because you are nice is like expecting a lion not to eat you just because you don't eat lions'. What it teaches us is that we must keep being the best we can be even in the face of unreciprocated love and inhumanity. It's not about them, it's about your Maker, yourself and your 'expected end'.

So, who has hurt you? Is your God bigger than that person. If He is, then leave vengeance for Him and pray for that fellow. That way, you experience peace like never before. Be the bigger person and let it go.

I'm not as strong as my mum as I discovered recently. No, it's not about biceps or pectoralis muscles. It will never be. But, she's my 'hero' and I think she's a fantastic human being. Her life has made an impression on me and she has taught me without using words the real essence of living. My sincere prayer is that someday, my life will speak of God's 'ka-bi-yo-osi' like hers has done to me! Oh, that will be glorious...

All the fruits [love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control] grow on one tree. For me, that tree is called Forgiveness.

Think about it, you can be the bigger person!

Whatever You Do...Don't Break.

    Some months ago I penned my thoughts about a story of a boy and a girl. I believe they were called Dave and Rose. Interestingly, this was probably the first and only article my parents read. I'm yet to wrap my head around how and why they picked this particular one but that's for another day. They left the blog convinced their first son was suffering from clinical depression with some element of bipolar mania.

    You see, life has taught me there's a bit of Dave and Rose in all of us. Since that article, many waters have passed under the bridge. Friends have broken up, others have fallen in love while some others are still waddling by in their relationships. In all, everyday, life continues to teach us new things about ourselves and the people we are with. The onus is on us to ensure those salient messages are not missed.

    I am currently in my longest relationship ever. Thanks to the inevitablilty of aging, my threshold for 'vexing' has appreciably become higher. I often tell people that the heart is probably the most pliable and most malleable part of the human anatomy. You think you've found love that will make your heart stop? Just wait! Your heart will stop many times. Thank God for pacemakers and defibrillators!

The penultimate relationship was one that intially looked like it was destined for an altar. Mutual respect, overt expression of love and affection and unbridled support for the 'one'. But you know what, those were not enough. Apparently, an impeccable dress sense was a key piece of the jigsaw of a relationship at the time. A piece I somehow didn’t find for the 9months the heart was ‘beating’ for her.

 

    So, it ended. Like the others before it. And guess what, the frigging heart kept beating! What happened to all the ‘I can’t live without you’? In those nine months, it was hard to imagine living without that relationship. I asked myself so many questions at the time. Why wasn’t I good enough? What should I have done differently? Was it all a farce?

 

    It didn’t end because I was the worst boyfriend ever. It didn’t end because I was the worst dresser either. It ended because like the seasons, her job was done. She was sent my way to teach me something and I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn. I have no regrets whatsoever because she was sent to prepare me for the current relationship. You see, there’s a reason we have different seasons for the weather. Each serves a particular purpose just like the people who walk in and out of our lives. We must recognize these seasons (and people) and allow them to go when their work is done no matter how much hurt we feel by their transience.

 
    It took another two years for the obstinate heart to beat for someone again. But this time, it was a heart that had learnt the importance of looking good and having a vibrant wardrobe[sic]. It was a heart that was more mature and one that valued openness. Note that these are not foolproof assurances that this current relationship won’t end. Far from it. But they are not about the other person, they are entirely about me. When people at work now think I’m a ‘fashionista’, I look around in disbelief. Here’s the same person who was tossed for having a queer dress sense. But I realize that, subconsciously, I have had to up my game, making me feel more confident and more self-assured. There’s an aura that comes with stepping into a room knowing without an iota of doubt that you are looking fabulous! Her job was to lead me on that part of self-assurance. God did not designate her to enter into that ‘Promise land’ like Moses, but she pointed the path to me.

    Life throws us curve-balls every time. You must keep going. Don’t focus on the fact that it ended or why it ended. Appreciate the lessons and the areas you improved as a human being. The mistake many of us make is that we hand over the keys of our happiness to the other person forgetting we must first love ourselves before someone else can love us. Be a better person first, whether on your own or with someone. Appreciate the opportunity to be tested by a relationship. Improve on grey areas accentuated or brought to the fore by being with someone else. You are not bad, you are just in the school of life. Don’t ever put yourself down with the misconception that you are not good enough. The butterfly started out as an egg and was once a pupa. We don’t see those stages of the metamorphosis; we only see the finished product – a bright colored butterfly!

 
    Let metamorphosis take its course! Don’t concede defeat at the pupa stage! Refuse to be broken. Thank everyone who walks out on you during your evolution. More importantly, do not miss the lessons they were sent to teach you. Build on the positives of the sojourn with them. Be sure you’ve grown so that whoever stumbles into your path again meets a bright shining piece of art of a human being that is you. It may hurt but there’s no point planting in winter when the season is simply not right! Recognize seasons and ask yourself ‘What have I learnt?’. Be sure to answer sincerely.


Don't look back! Remain a wonderful person. Dress up just because it's a new bright morning. Treat yourself every now and then. Lose weight! Feel good about yourself. Sleep well. Party when you can. Hang out as much as you can. Meet new people and live a little. Take care of you and love you first! Make them wonder what they lost everytimw your paths cross. Be outstanding!

 
Never, ever, give up on making yourself better or more beautiful.

 
I read somewhere that ‘often times in life, we are too busy chasing after people who we think are for us that we fail to look back to see those chasing us’.

 

P.S- Yes, I am Dave!

Nigeria in APC's Hands

“ A chain is only as strong as its weakest link”- Thomas Reid [Essays on the Intellectual Powers of Man 1786]

A lot of brouhaha has been generated by our elections in 2015 even though we just wrapped up the first quarter of 2013, a good two years away. The only activity that has even the most remote semblance to seriousness in fronting a virile opposition to the incumbent ruling party is the recent merger of some political parties. At the end of that amalgamation, nine or so incumbent State governors became ‘brethren’ as the good Book will put it.

The birth of the All Progressive Congress marked a significant point in Nigeria’s odyssey to greatness. The ruling PDP is a force that if unchecked, would sweep the polls again in 2015 if the vibes from the seat of power in Abuja are anything to go by. First the return of the Godfather of Edo politics Chief Tony Anenih a.k.a ‘The Fixer’ and then the distasteful state pardon meted out to the President’s political benefactor, our own dear Chief DSP Alamieyesiegha. These are pointers to the fact that our ‘Oga at the top’ knows he won’t scale the 2015 hurdle with the ‘I had no shoes’ wailing. Oga knows he has not delivered on electoral promises and the ship of governance has drifted to sea with the captain as somnolent as never before in our history.

Many people still believe the ACN leadership swung the stakes in favor of the PDP two years ago following some clandestine meetings. Many believe that if the CPC and the ACN had merged before that presidential election, we would be singing a different tune today irrespective of our incumbent’s bare-footed childhood. The birth of the APC may not be the elixir to our seemingly terminal state but it’s a sign of hope, no matter how dim.

There are issues the APC must sort out immediately apart from having multiple alter egos-courtesy our devilishly ingenious friends with umbrellas (I no mention anybody name o!). The APC has sitting governors who gulp gargantuan amounts of Nigerian money as security votes for which till date we do not know how they are disbursed. The APC will have had legislators in the upper and lower chambers for many years with each one taking home our ‘jumbo’ pay without making any noise about its appropriateness or otherwise. We overlook the fact that our Senate and House of Representatives have always comprised of politicians from other political parties aside the PDP. Does this mean they do not find their morally reprehensible salaries unrealistic on the background of the unacceptably high number of impoverished people they represent? Already, APGA has ‘factions’ in APC and others against any mergers. Can a divided house stand?

The APC will be built around two ‘warriors’. This I find a rudimentary glitch in that system. We must learn to build institutions that will outlive human beings. Have you ever imagined how the ACN will fare years from now when Jagaban is no more or the CPC after the gap-toothed bespectacled Hausa General is no longer in the picture?

The PDP needs serious competition. The opposition parties must do some belt-tightening and square up to the seemingly arduous task.

Elections are won at poll stations and not on Twitter.

Website Palaver

There's a school of thought that firmly upholds the theory that the Nigerian state is a reflection of her civil service. The proponents of this theory believe most of our inept public officers were hitherto part of a system now renowned for mendacity, larceny and gross ineptitude. This system is our beloved civil service.

Before we proceed on this show of shame, the link below takes you to a video. This is a high ranking officer of the Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corps, one of the security parastatals saddled with securing the lives and property of Nigerians. Please listen carefully to the conversation on live television.

http://t.co/rtf1zDNEW1

For all we know, this man could be the spokesperson of the NSCDC. If this didn't surprise you then not many things in life will. For those who didn't quite pick the line of discourse, he was simply asked for the website of his organisation. That seemingly straight-forward question became a quagmire of epic proportion.

The NSCDC sent an adult man to address viewers in Nigeria and their representative did not have an idea what his organisation's website was. He tried so hard to whip up something in his head to say but the cerebral faculties just could not deliver. Remarkably, like a typical Nigerian, he tried to intimidate his interviewers like he had an idea what he wanted to say by telling them to 'wait now'. He also ensured he spoke in a confident loud voice with distracting gesticulations as part of his act. I pitied him at some point. The presenters should have figured it out immediately the stuttering started. The man simply did not know the website. Just let him be.

Another thing that got to me was the fact that he really couldn't come up with any 'phantom' website. I believe he could have spewed any website at all at that point just to save face. After all, it was not like any of the presenters was going to try to log on to the website immediately. Just say www.nscdc.com.ng or www.nscdc.org or www.nscdc.gov . Just say anything! What this tells me is that he is not a very intelligent man. He can't think on his feet and it disturbs me that he will sit on panels to interview Nigerian graduates who will apply to work for the NSCDC at different capacities. It disturbs me that such a man will one day, after rising to the highest level of service at the NSCDC, believe he is well equipped to lead and run for political office. The vicious cycle of madness and inanity will continue unabated. I find that very disturbing.

Again, many of us will laugh over this issue and forget the crux of the matter. We are in a dire state and I assure you that the folks at Nigerian Prisons, Nigerian Ports and Nigerian Immigration might not fare any better than our beloved NSCDC spokesman.

Interestingly, this man represents one of the organizations that we have entrusted with lives of Nigerians in the North and other parts of Nigeria. You then wonder how Boko Haram is winning the terror war when our troops are under the supervision of men like these. Ask an average Policeman what the Nigerian Police website is(if it's functional of course). You will be shocked. In this age of technology, where information dissemination goes faster than avian copulation, it is disheartening to think our security personnel are still this dull. In an age where the SSS, Nigerian Army, Police, NIA and others should have a central data bank where vital intelligence information can be shared?

Alas, that is the story of our country. In this man's village, he is probably a chief. After all the NSCDC thought him smart enough to represent the entire organization on national television. For this singular act, I would have him queried if I were the Director General of the NSCDC. There's a difference between forgetting momentarily and not knowing entirely. This man did not know that website, not that he forgot. When he managed to come up with anything, he simply said "www.nscdc..... " He doesn't even know there should be a suffix like .com or .org. We should even give him credit and thank God that he even knows websites begin with 'www'. He could have said '0-8-0'.

Finally, my brethren, we are in God's hands o! For those who still believe the government provides security, I wish them luck.

For me and my household "the Lord is my refuge and my fortress; In Him will I trust".

Education & Nigeria's Bright Future

I was at a stand-up comedy event over the weekend and while we waited for the show to begin the organisers decided to entertain us with candid videos of some our favourite Nigerian celebrities. They were given a 'word of the day' and were asked for the meaning of these words. Initially, I found the stuttering quite amusing but this was short-lived. It soon turned into a horror flick as the videos reeled on the screen.

I believe it is only fair we all watch these videos before reading further just so this satire makes any sense. Below are some of the links. If however, you have any difficulty with opening these links directly from my page, I suggest you google 'flytime TV word of the day'. There are about 6 or 7 of such videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6o8QQUITBg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97yRm8I_tPg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtcoWFeY_V4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCP8piTuOGE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qlJglcvXJo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hubPPqwVyd4

I decided at some point to believe some of the people interviewed were simply joking around. But then again, what if they weren't?

Timaya had never heard of the word 'Incumbent'. Ice Prince believed 'incumbent' meant something that was about happen. Sexy Steel and Tiwa Savage practically just gave up in frankness. They accepted they didn't know the meaning of the words. The same thing played out for words like haphazard, conspicuous, penultimate and traumatize.

To buttress what I always knew about our eroded value system, one of the artistes actually pleaded with the interviewer to ask him what a brand of champagne was instead of the definition of an English word. Another one said 'No be English I take blow o!'. He really did speak the truth. He didn't blow with English. He did with senseless lyrics. Why teach the viewers how to spell when you could tell them of the finest cognac and flashy cars.

Another striking feature in these horror shows was the foreign accent with which the faltering artistes spoke. Nigerians are wonderful people you know! Even the ones who claimed they lived abroad before moving down here and the ones who are television presenters didn't fare any better. While the video played, I looked around and everyone was laughing really hard! The audience obviously thought watching their superstars bungle English words and their meanings was intensely hilarious. For me,there was absolutely nothing funny about it. Rather, we need to take a minute and ask ourselves some very serious questions.

Who are the role models our young people have? Are they not these same artistes they watch on Soundcity every afternoon after school. All our young people want to dress and talk like our superstar artistes. They want to copy the 'swag' and adopt the neologism from their 'heroes' on television. In 2009, only 26% of the students that sat for the SSCE had at least a credit in five subjects including Mathematics and English Language. In 2010, it dropped to 24.7% and then 31% in 2011. Last year, we experienced a 'staggering' rise in our pass rate to 38.8%. In four years, we have never passed 40% pass rate in WAEC. This includes the candidates that sat for their exams in 'Special centres' and those who passed the exams with the aid of 'bullets' and the popular 'Keypoints'. Even with all our machinery, machination and mercenary, 4-out-of-10  remains a tall order for us?

According to the 2011 UN Human Development report, over two-thirds of the world's 793 million illiterate adults are found in only eight countries (Bangladesh, China, Egypt, Ethiopia, India, Indonesia, NIGERIA, and Pakistan). Not bad company if you ask me. China is a world super-power and Bangladesh makes the coolest tee-shirts! Again, I am worried that this 61.3% literacy rate includes people like Kenny St.Brown, who claims she is a graduate of English (as stated in one of the videos) and who believes the word 'haphazard' means 'stopping in the middle or half-way'. Amazing!

I once read a quote from someone I can't quite remember now. He said 'education used to mean a lot to me until graduates began working for illiterates'. He could not have said it better.

The richest young people in Nigeria today are not school-smart. They can't define simple English words. They wear Brazilian hair and are 'swagged' like there's no tomorrow. They are fashion icons and drive the classiest Aston Martins and Range Rovers. They 'pop' champagne every other night and travel to the most glamorous countries. I assume the footballers would not have fared any better either. Today, wealth in my country isn't encrypted in degrees or good diction. The question is, what is our definition of wealth?

There's a reason our WAEC pass rates are stunted. Who cares if Iyanya can spell so long he can wind his waist to Kukere and tell women 'all I want is your waist'. Who cares if Dammy Krane's IQ makes a toad look like a genius so long he can assure us 'ko le re body'? Who cares if Timaya is smart so long he can ask us to 'shake our bum-bum'. Education used to be the key to the future. The money is no longer in the classrooms. It simply isn't.

Let's just keep dancing. The future of Nigeria is so bright we would need sunglasses to look at it else we get blinded by the light. Yes, it is that bright...

Mr Tai Solarin always said 'Knowledge is light'. He caned it into his pupils in Ikenne. If only he knew how times have now changed.

A Five Without Its Six

There are days you wished dawn never broke. There are phone calls you wished never connected just as there are drives you wished you never embarked on.

It was just before 5p.m on that Wednesday when my phone rang. Our neighbour called me and asked where I was at the time. I found it strange that he would ask me such a question. We had been neighbours for a few years now and not once did he call to ask me such. He asked that I return home immediately after I picked my toddler from day care. Something required my urgent attention in the house apparently.

So, 2013 turned on its head within the first twenty two days. I would never see you again and I didn't have a say in my best friend's departure. We woke up on the same bed this morning. We talked about 'nothing' really. We just gossipped like primary school kids. We laughed then you scolded then we laughed again. The girls were getting ready for school while you played with your only son like you always did in the morning. You tried to feed him before I dropped him off at his creche. Your eyes lit up every time you carried him. I could tell you were intensely proud in our little prince, just as you were of his three older sisters. We left you in the house to do 'school runs'. We left you forever.

I am in the living room now and its about 7p.m. The house is filled with people dear. I can see their faces but I do not recognize them. Their lips are moving incongruously but I hear nothing. I always knew there was a difference between looking and seeing. Between listening and hearing. I can't see or hear anything. You are conspicuously missing at home.

They are all here because of you. Honey, where are you? They keep asking me to be strong. They keep hugging me and some are crying. I've heard 'It is well' at least a million and one times since I arrived at home. So much so that I think I will scream if I hear the now trite remark again. Our first daughter is seated on the dinning chair looking indifferent. She probably has never seen this much people in our house at the same time. She's old enough to comprehend the concept of death and your departure. The two other girls look stricken. Hypnotised maybe. They were the first to see you lying quietly and lifeless on the kitchen floor. I imagine they probably thought Daddy was playing a prank when they shook your cold body to announce their arrival from school. The trauma and horror that must have followed upon realizing that the life in you was gone is something I wish they didn't have to experience at such young ages.

Honey, this was not the plan. When you said good bye this morning, I didn't know you meant it would be forever. You sounded like you'll be here when I got back in the evening. I can't even remember if I kissed you before I left the house. Dear God, I hope I did. I think I was rushing to beat that  Abraham Adesanya and Ajah traffic. The month is ending soon so work has been a bit demanding as my department has been reviewing the books for the month and planning staff salaries. Maybe if I had any inkling I would never see you again I would have taken the day off to hear you say the nice things you are now renowned for. Maybe I would have cooked you your favourite dish and let you kiss all our kids on their foreheads with parting paternal blessings. Maybe I would have just sat there looking into your eyes and staring all day knowing I would never see you again. But then, life is like that. In a single second, everything could  change. In a second, a world could implode just as mine has today with your demise.

The whole street is lined with vehicles. There are relatives, friends and strangers. All looking at me and shaking like heads sombrely. So, this is what it feels like to be widowed at any age at all. Our son is playing around the room. Oblivious of the fact that his biggest fan is no more. It pains me more that he only had you for less than two years of his life. You had such big plans for the young man. He'll never have you at his milestones. That shatters me! We had planned three walks down the aisle, one for each of the girls. Now, I would have to do all this by myself. I think I'm anaesthetised. I feel something a bit more grave than pain. I feel numb. A voice in my head tells me you are on one of your business trips. Surely, you can't be dead. You are in Ilorin or Abuja. My 6 can't leave me in this wicked world all by myself. It's not his nature not to keep his words. You adored our kids too much to leave them this soon. Then again, the other very frightening voice in my head tells me 'What if he is indeed not coming back?'.

They are all here. Relatives who have benefited from your largess are here wailing. Who do they run to now for help as you were the pillar in the family. You enjoyed the role and ensured you did it with a smile always. Neighbours who lived with you in the estate are also here looking shell-shocked. They still waved at you over the fence a few hours and days before. You were full of life and charm. Your pleasant personality was hard not to admire. Some of your business partners are here also. The documents they were planning to send to your office for your perusal and signature all lie there now. As null and as void as ever. Some of them are probably still owing you consultancy fees for some work you did for them. We'll never know now, would we?

You were the centre of my world. No. Actually, you were my world itself. How does the sun exist without a sky? Can an ocean be what it is without water? I can't find words to express how much you meant to my being. There are really no words. Especially now that you are not here. Especially now that you are lying in a cold drawer with no clothing on your back. Words fail me really. Where exactly do I begin? How do I continue without my guardian angel? You promised me forever! Forever can't be seventeen years only! This was simply not the plan my darling...

I believe God exists now. If I ever doubted His omnipotence, the events of the last few hours have certainly changed that. Surely, there's a more superior power controlling this world. How else does one explain this absurd event. You were well this morning! It didn't even cross my mind that you'll not be here when I drove into the house in the evening! Verily, life as I know it will be never be the same. Sleeping and waking without you will be torture. I suspect it will get even worse as the days pass and turn into weeks and months.

I need to wake up from this nightmare. It must be a vile prank and it must stop. It is very unfair to have my emotions played with like this. This must stop! I'm nothing without my number 6!

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord"- Romans 8 vs 35-39


03:11:1962 - 23:01:2013

Sun re o...

Protecting 'Innocent' Tenants

Governor Raji Fashola has awed many cynics who believed, hitherto, that good governance was impossible in this part of the world. I may not be one of those awed by his 'gargantuan' achievements in transforming Lagos into a mega-city but then, everyone has a right to his or her opinion.

The State government floated a tenancy law in 2011. Governor Fashola signed a document into law that made it a criminal offence for any landlord to lease residential property for more than a year at a go. This grave sin according to the laws of Lagos will attract a fine of one hundred thousand naira or a three month jail term. It is also an offence for any of the parties to destroy any part of the property in the process of enforcing his will or claim. He claims the law is designed to protect 'innocent' tenants from gluttonous and reprehensible landlords.

I know a woman in Lagos who pays her taxes and does legitimate business to make ends meet. Every kobo she owns, she toiled for. Today, she has managed to erect residential apartments in some parts of Lagos. Some years ago, she took in an 'innocent' tenant in one of her apartments. The tenant paid his first rent without hassle then took possession of the property like a gentle dove. Subsequent rents became imbroglios as this tenant turned out not to be so 'innocent' after all. Eventually, she became fed up and asked that he vacate the premises. What followed was a three-year tussle in the ever efficient Nigerian courts. This is a woman who didn't get a dime from any fellow to build that house. Her fate -and that of her hard-earned property- was now tossed in the hands of a detached and bored Judge. Eventually, the matter was ruled in her favour. The tenant who had lived in the house for free for the duration of the court case as well the year preceding the court proceedings was directed to vacate immediately and pay the 4-year rent in lieu. Good news right? Justice served abi?

Well, the 'innocent' tenant packed his property and vanished during the night. This is not fiction. Till date, his whereabouts remain unknown. The neighbours woke and found the house empty. The 'gluttonous' landlady was left to lick her wounds. She had been cheated by the same people Fashola is out to protect and now, she has nobody to turn to but to pick herself up and move on forfeiting 4-years worth of rent in the process.

The same woman purchased a property in Yaba area about a year or so ago. It was an old residential property with rooms that housed many families. The occupants were duly informed by the family that owned the property that the property had been put up for sale. To this end,, the instructed the caretaker to stop taking rents from the tenants. It took another year before the property was sold and all this while the tenants stayed rent-free. Upon the change of ownership to the woman in question, the occupants refused blatantly to vacate the property she had paid some millions of naira for. I was present at one of such meetings to persuade them to vacate the property. What I heard shocked me! The sitting tenants told the new owner to pay them off before they could leave her premises. I shuddered. Believe it or not, those tenants are still sitting pretty since April 2011 as the woman thought it was absurd to pay off tenants after paying humongous sums to the original owners. It's been almost two years since she paid for that property, she has neither developed it or even leased it out. These are the 'innocent' tenants Mr. Fashola intends to protect?

We must separate idealism from pragmatism. Neither Governor Fashola nor any other politician at that, has the right to tell a landlord what to do with his property. Real estate is a business. The laws of demand and supply must prevail. At best, common sense must prevail. What role has Mr. Fashola played in alleviating the suffering of landlords like the woman I have described above? Will Mr. Fashola run after nefarious fleeing tenants like the one first described above? Governor Fashola insists it is illegal for the owner of a property to tear the roof off a property that houses belligerent tenants. They have now spent over two years in the property rent-free. They are sitting tight because they know a court case will take another three years after which whatever the verdict, they'll escape unperturbed. Head or tail, they still win. The owner of the property incurs the loss from capital that has been tied down fallow for many years. Will Mr. Fashola pay the landlord the accrued interest on this dormant capital?

It is not enough to spew inane policies in the name of promulgating laws or impressing praise-singers. We must be fair to everyone involved. It is not enough to generalize all landlords as being vile just as it is folly to label all tenants as 'meek and innocent'. 

I am not a landlord yet. I hope I become one at some point in the near future. When I do become one, I'll do with my property as I choose. Neither Mr. Fashola nor any proponent of his mega-city-Lagos-is-working charade was present when artisans almost ruptured the blood vessels in my brain by constantly inflating construction costs. Did Mr. Fashola subsidize the cement I bought thousands of bags of to erect my own property? Does Governor Fashola know how much it costs to perfect a certificate of occupancy in Alausa there under his nose? Is he aware I have to bribe everybody from the gate to the office of the Perm-Sec to get anything done on building approvals and so on? When the 'omo-oniles' descended on the property and I had to go and 'settle' them so work could continue on my property, where was Mr. Fashola then and his tenancy laws? Does he know how much land use charge is now in his state? So, the landlord has sinned against God now by owing landed property in Lagos that he must incur all these charges and still be told what to do with his property afterwards?

When I become a landlord and my property is up for lease, in order not to upset Governor Fashola, my rent which for example could have been say N50,000 per annum will be set at N100,000 per annum with one free year if you lease the property. Like one of those buy-on-get-one-free bonanzas. Shebi its the number of years I can lease that gives Oga Fashola a headache, not the amount I fix my rent as. So you pay twice the rate you would have paid for a year and I graciously 'dash' you one free year to stay on my property. Abi that one that one too na treason?

Ultimately, Nigeria is a peculiar society where everyone is out to bilk the next person. We must always consider these tendencies before labelling a set of industrious people as gluttonous. I have also met decent tenants who are respectful and reasonable. Nigeria, however, has made them endangered species.

Call 767...God Will Rescue You

 No. It's not the Argungu fishing festival in that picture. It is not the Bonny Regatta either. What you see there is the Lagos Lagoon with our world-class Emergency 'Rescue' team.

So, following the sanitation exercise on Saturday, January 26, I dashed out of the Island en-route Magodo. It was just a little after 10:35am and I had just passed the Adekunle exit of the Third Mainland Bridge when I noticed 'something' flew off the Bridge into the lagoon. What followed was chaos as cars began parking as curious Lagosians leaned over the railings on the bridge to catch a glimpse of this 'unidentified flying object'. I immediately knew it had to be a vehicle. What else could it have been!

Mr Shola Oladimeji must have been a regular Lagosian till that fateful morning. When he drove out of his home that morning, I am certain he could not have guessed he would end up at the bottom of the Lagos lagoon a few minutes later. How he survived such a freak accident in Lagos, I will never understand. Never! What I do understand is that, first, he is alive because Jehovah has a specific mission for him which he is yet to achieve and second, he was not 'rescued' by our efficient Emergency services in Lagos a.k.a '7-6-7'.

Lagos is the commercial nerve centre of Nigeria. Does this picture above look like a 21st century shot? If you leave out the lone blue-roofed marine police boat, the picture could pass for a 1944 Ijaw regatta. This is the response team we despatched to save Mr Oladimeji.

The majority of the rescue men were Ijaw fishermen going about their normal 'daily bread' search. These are the same people, Governor Fashola insists are distorting his 'Eko Mega City' image and went after their cousins like a rabid canine some months back. I hope Governor Fashola understands that these fellows are a crucial part of our ecosystem in Lagos. Not only are they an established source of smoked fish, they are now the core -at least from this picture- of our marine Emergency response squad. Hounding them in the name of a factitious mega city will be to our own detriment and will be tantamount to grave folly on our part as Lagosians.

If Raji Fashola asked me -which I know he never would- I would advice him to develop these aquatic communities by mobilizing huge funds for sanitation and health. BRF can encourage these ones by siting standard schools in the communities with well paid teachers. He can site primary health centres among them to cater to the needs of the Ijaws. A vocational centre where skill acquisition in canoe construction and net assemblage can be gained will help. Alternative energy infrastructure to help these ones conserve their products will be appreciated instead of sending the Ministry of Environment after them. Venice in Italy, is a city built entirely on water and is now a foremost tourist centre in the world. When we chase them all from our 'mega city', will this one marine boat suffice in responding to distress calls?

In June 2008, I understand another banker plunged into the lagoon and was not as lucky as Mr Shola Oladimeji. The rescue men were probably asleep as not much fishing goes on at night. From what I gather, rescue operations did not start till 4a.m even though the accident occurred the previous night. While this is totally unconfirmed, I won't be startled if it holds some iota of truth. What this tells us that without those Ijaws, we are practically helpless in the event of marine accidents. Time and chance happens to us all. To Mr Oladimeji, fate chose 10am. Replace that a.m with p.m and Mr Oladimeji would be a dead man by now.

It then begs the question. Who exactly is responsible for such emergency responses? The FRSC? The Police? NEMA? All of the aforementioned? Does the government have any other equipment apart from this lone marine boat and the heavy duty equipment it 'borrows' from Julius Berger? Do the people in government watch CNN and see the manner of specialized equipment and manpower despatched in the event of exigencies? Do we have marine response units that are well trained and undergo regular drills? Your guesses as to the answers to these questions are as good as mine. Capital N-O. We all saw the Costa Concordia drama in Italy. That is the kind of response you expect from serious nations of the world.

Nigeria is a reactive nation. A docile and indolent bunch. Nobody thinks of anything till disaster strikes. We didn't audit our aviation sector till that Dana plane smashed into homes in Iju. We didn't wonder about routine maintenance till that Navy helicopter plummeted into the swamps in Bayelsa in December. We will not review our emergency services till it fails a 'big man' though the lack of them kills Nigerians like ants everyday. We will wait and say it is well.

I am reminded of a story on Newsline in the days of Frank Olize many years ago. A house was burning in Ikoyi. The owner of the property, a lady, allegedly called the fire service and was told there was no water in the trucks. She parted with money for the fire service to buy water and diesel. Somewhere on the way to the burning house, the truck broke down and the firemen sat looking aloof while the driver 'formed' activity by sticking his head into the engine compartment trying to fix the malfunction. All this while, the house kept burning.

Please note, this does not mean you should not call 767 when you have or notice an emergency. Hopefully, they'll respond better to you than they did me a year ago. The ambulance was despatched, it just never got to me.

May God help us.

Half-Truths: Six And Half A Dozen

I'm not one of those who believe in New Year resolutions. I discovered at a young age in my life that there really wasn't any point making any. The older I've become, the more I have realised that resolutions are what they are. Mere words. This is why the only resolution I make now is to strive to be closer to my God in the new year. This 2013, I broke my own rule. I made a resolution besides the regular one I stated above.

This 2013, I made a resolution to completely ignore any of Nigeria's antics in global self-ridicule. I made a mental note to stop hassling myself about Nigeria's dire state. I promised myself that I would not devote time on this blog to ponder on Nigeria's sorry state. Alas, I'm about to break that resolution.

Sometime in January, my President was at the World Economic Forum in Davos where he granted an interview to CNN's Christiane Amanpour. The seven and a half minute show of shame can be viewed here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwGzypkUS8A 

In this interview President Jonathan graciously asserted that the power sector was one of the areas where Nigerians were particularly happy with what his government has done in the last two or so years. What followed was an uproar on social media. This uproar was not from Americans or Iranians. It was from Nigerians who took to social media to call their own President all sorts of unpalatable names. Even that did not shock Ebele as this is something he is now accustomed to. The drama, unfortunately, did not end there.

During a football game in America, there was a power cut and again Nigerians, not Americans, went gaga on Twitter. We went on about how it was a usual thing for power to elude citizens in Lagos and indeed Nigeria. Barely two weeks before, our President told the world that Nigerians were happy with him as the power had improved remarkably and now the same Nigerians-who are supposedly ecstatic-are tweeting that the power situation is horrid. Christiane Amanpour must have been very befuddled. So she compiled a small report about what the people on Nigerian streets were actually saying about the power situation. If you haven't seen it then watch here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGNIUNtCF48&feature=share 

What followed this short exposition by Amanpour was outrage from a few people including Maupe Ogun. She demanded an apology from Amanpour for making a joke out of Nigeria and went on about how there had been an improvement in the situation which the CNN lady deliberately kept quiet about. Maupe, in my view, did not just bite more than she could chew by trying to take on Amanpour, she also did so unreasonably. What exactly has Amanpour done that she should apologise for? Did she concoct those tweets sent in by Nigerians? Did she pay the Nigerians that tweeted to rubbish Nigeria? What was even funny about the snippet of our shame that she helped us broadcast to the world? Or was this, indeed, her only crime?

I have inadvertently caught Maupe Ogun on her daily show on Channels TV. From the little I've seen the only striking thing about her is that her command of the English language is better than that of our First Lady and Karen Igho. I also understand she holds a Masters degree from a British institution and was so outstanding that she was invited as one of the journalists that anchored a Presidential chat with the incumbent sometime last year. If I remember correctly, Nigeria was not any better at the time of that media parley and Maupe and her colleagues were well aware of that fact. Instead of taking the golden opportunity to ask Mr President some nerve-racking and hard-hitting questions, Maupe sat there smiling from molar-to-molar like a village virgin who was about to be deflowered by the rich village Chief. I found it sickening. I find it even more sickening that she went after Amanpour for no sensible reason.

I do not know what part of Lagos Maupe resides and how outstanding PHCN is in her neighbourhood so I won't understand where she noticed the improvement. Where I live there's hardly power when I am going to bed and when I'm leaving for work in the morning. How PHCN fares in between that time I can't even attest to. I am speaking entirely for myself as those Nigerians,not Americans, in Amanpour's report did for themselves. We must appreciate that for a country that is perennially in darkness the generality of the people will notice any slight improvement in power supply. And even where this power has improved, at what cost is it in terms of Naira and Kobo.

Christiane Amanpour isn't our enemy. Just as Rick Ross wasn't when he came to shoot a video in our slums. Just like the Ghanaians that told us the truth some months ago that resulted in the small fracas between them and us on social media. They just told us the very ugly truth! This same truth we do not like to hear. We delude ourselves with the 'only Nigerians have the right to taunt Nigeria' concept. It is silly and excruciatingly dull of us to continue to think this way.

While I appreciate the crave for public attention by the likes of Maupe Ogun, I must implore her to do so within the confines of common sense. Her grudge is misdirected as Amanpour does not-and will never-control what Nigerians in Nigeria tweet and say in front of a camera. Next time, Maupe, 'look face' before you pick a fight. My candid advice for Maupe is to, in fact, aspire to achieve Christiane Amanpour's feats in international journalism. The woman has been to war-ravaged regions to report crisis all over the world and hit hard at political leaders across the globe with daunting questions while Maupe sits inside Channels studio every morning hugging an iPad in the name of presenting a talk show. No offence, Maupe, but next to Christiane, you are featherweight and will remain such if you do not begin to apply yourself more to objective journalism. Ants do not go to war with elephants my dear.

Meanwhile, like the folks in Lagos in Amanpour's video, I think the power is just as abysmal as it was years ago. I still woke yesterday night drenched in sweat because there was no power and the weather was hot. I will still get home today and not even bother to flip the switches because I'm almost certain that there would be no power in them. In fact, when I do get home and hear the freezer rumbling with power I get worried. That is the honest truth.

Amanpour and the rest of the world called our bluff. They saw through our frivolous claims. They are not our enemies. Enemies do not tell you the truth like they have done.

We call it six. They called it half-a-dozen.

Please Eat At Home

Many of us who grew up in Lagos know the city is renowned for its endless social gatherings now popularly called 'Owambe'. Somebody's either wedding or christening a child or 'warming a house'. Other times, its a burial or simply a party for the sake of throwing one. Whatever the reason behind hosting a party in Lagos, one thing is sure...people will turn up!

Now, people turn up for different reasons. Some come out of respect for the host, they want to identify with the host and let him or her know, they have your support. Others come because they simply can't turn down invitations. They live for dressing up and strutting their stuff with all manner of anatomically intriguing poses for photographers. I once saw a lady at one of such parties whose pose reminded me of one of the three statues that welcome you into Lagos from Ogun State. The last set of people come to your event for one reason and one reason alone. To eat. And eat, they must!

Many of the people who know me closely know I can't stand Lagos parties, weddings especially. One of the reasons for this my aversion is this aggressive hunt for food by many folks at Lagos Owambes. I attended a wedding with my Aunt some years ago in Surulere. They had graciously served everyone-as far as I could see-their main courses and many were actually still digging into their plates when the waiters started serving dessert which was in the form of 'small chops'. Just as one of the guys was about to pass a plate of 'small chops' across my Aunt and I to another guest, she smacked his wrist violently as she barked 'Did they say you shouldn't serve us' at him. Naturally, the plate fell right in front of her. I was perplexed by such aggression. After-all, it was just a plate of puff-puffs,samosa and one small piece roasted turkey.

Alas, my Aunt wasn't that bad as I would find out recently at a wedding I attended this weekend. What I saw could be best described by Matthew 11 vs 12 where the Bible talks about the kingdom of Heaven and how only the violent take it. A guest at the wedding almost ripped out the head of a waiter in the bid to secure a plate of rice and chicken. She reminded me vividly of how a mother-hen with day-old chicks charged at intruders with her feathered wings fanned out. I pitied the waiter. If only he knew, he would not have toyed with fire on that fateful Saturday.

This got me thinking. Here was a decently dressed woman who left her home that afternoon to felicitate with the wedding couple. She had thoroughly embarrassed a young man because of seven or eight spoons of rice and a piece of beef. Was it really worth the altercation? Was the hunger that life-threatening as to warrant such merciless predation? Could this imbroglio have been avoided if she had ate some food before leaving her home for the party? Food is after all, just food. In a few hours, it would be nothing more than chyme on its way down the gut en route a toilet bowl. You can't even stop it from leaving the body as feaces, so why fight dirty to acquire it?

I'm of the school of thought that you should always eat before showing up at any party. You have come on your own volition to rejoice with the host. You were not coerced so why turn into a kick boxer like the food had insulin and you were a diabetic! If by some glitch in protocol or natural error of omission, food has not reached you then that's fate telling you subtly that it wasn't meant to be. Do not force it for verily verily I tell you that it is this type of aggressive hunt that ends up giving people gastroenteritis and the subsequent needless hospital visits to come and disturb innocent under-paid and excruciatingly frustrated Lagos doctors.

If God has blessed you with enough money to feed yourself, then you do not need to declare war at Owambes because the jollof rice didn't reach you. Just take water-if that gets to your table-drink it with love for the couple and walk to your vehicle with your self-esteem intact. You can then decide to drive home to prepare a meal or enter the nearest buka and pay for your food. Do not squeeze your face like you have face pain because of rice and chicken or maltina. It simply isn't worth it!

I'd like to advice those coming to my wedding because of food. God is watching you. Eat at home before coming o! If you don't eat at my wedding, wait for seven days, there'll be someone else's own where you can try your luck. It is not a competition. It's not like you'll even remember what you ate at my wedding a fortnight later so why should I even bother myself. Lagosians don't send you. There'll be bigger weddings, soon, mine would be some oblivious event they attended many weeks ago. You can also bring your own food and drinks. 

God will bless you as you come.

If you want a war, please go to Darfur in Sudan. Stay away from my occasion.  

Remembering Folashade...Angels Do Die!

It's a New Year already. If the other years were fast, 2012 was a Grand Prix. Despite its supersonic speed, it was one year fraught with all manner of events. The roller-coaster of emotions that came to define 2012 reinforced what many have always known about the uncertainty of this our sojourn called life. Personally, it was an ambivalent year. Some periods were dark, the darkest being the first few days of 2012.

We ushered in the New Year with our traditional Watch night service. I remember vividly how we prayed fervently that 2012 would bring us good fortune. Some minutes before midnight, the fervor of the supplications was such that one was tempted to believe Heaven was on its way down that night. It was what you could best describe as 'hot' and I am not referring to the weather. If I had any inkling what the next few days held, maybe I would have simply said the Grace and waited for what would be a grueling January.

I spent most of the day visiting some of my friends. I retired home early as my folks decided to host a small 'come-chop' for our friends and family. There we were wining and dining like there was no tomorrow when the telephone call came through. It was my cousin who was visiting from America. My closest Aunt had been feeling ill for sometime but she was, somehow, not accessible to me. Her telephone was always either switched off or unpicked. The other times she did pick the calls, she would try to assure me she was fine and that she was receiving care and improving. My cousin sounded calm that evening from what I picked in her voice. She called to inform me my Aunt had been on admission in a State-owned hospital in Lagos Mainland but was about to be transferred to a bigger centre. I was alarmed, how could she have been in the hospital all this while and nobody thought it wise to inform me. I quickly sheathed the anger, which was not what she needed at that moment. She had to get well first.

She was diagnosed with a severe chest infection and her breathing had become labored. The Lagos State hospital claimed they couldn't manage her any further. Besides they were fast running out of oxygen in the hospital and since her lungs could no longer inspire natural oxygen on their own, her staying alive depended on the white-collared metal cylinders. So, we had to make arrangements to transfer her that night. Unfortunately, the hospital did not have any suitable ambulance that could move such a distressed patient. So, I remembered the 767 'wonder-number' drummed into our ears by Governor Fashola and his cronies in a bid to sell their 'Lagos is working' story. They picked my emergency call and promised to dispatch an ambulance to transfer my Aunt. It's been a year now and that ambulance has still not arrived. Till date, they haven't even called to ask how we eventually sorted ourselves out that night.

Eventually, the hospital's only functional ambulance surfaced. It was an archaic Peugeot 504 station wagon that looked like it could use some oxygen itself. The Baba that drove the ambulance himself looked like he needed a doctor too. It was one of those nights when everything that could go wrong was spurring to go wrong.

I arranged to meet them at LUTH Idi-Araba from my house in Lagos Island. The hospital was on strike but I was told there was a private wing which may be operational. I assumed with my status as a medical doctor too she would be able to access care there. I humbly spoke to the doctor on duty after introducing myself and she apologized that they would not be able to take her. Even though the wing was operational, they were not taking in any new patients but only caring for those who were already on admission as at the time the strike was called. Her hands were tied as it were. There was nothing she could do to help me or my Aunt. By this time, the Ambulance Baba had started grumbling, he was in a hurry to return his decrepit excuse of an ambulance back to his premises.

So we moved Aunt into my car. It didn't have oxygen cylinders either but it would at least move faster than the station wagon that brought her to LUTH. We headed to LASUTH Ikeja, the only other Teaching Hospital in Lagos.

Knowing how things worked in government hospitals, I didn't hesitate to start any enquiry without stating clearly and loudly that I was Dr Wole Okulate as if to evoke some awe in whoever I was addressing. I was desperate. The Medical Emergency room in LASUTH was filled up. Even I could see it was going to be a very long night. Eventually, I saw the medical officer on duty and after some time, she informed me there was no bed space for my Aunt that night. I immediately started calling all my 'connections' in LASUTH in a bid to drag out space. The best all that secured was a space on the waiting couch in the E.R. The doctor then called me quietly to tell me 'off records' that my Aunt would be the fourth patient to be admitted on that same couch that day. The three previous inhabitants were now lying in the morgue according to her. I thanked her and 'reloaded' my Aunt into the backseat of my Toyota Corolla ambulance. It was time to move again.

I arrived at St. Nicholas shortly before midnight. It had been a New Year's Day from hell I thought to myself as I parked the car in their driveway. I rushed out to the reception to speak with them and again eagerly bellowed my 'Good Evening, my name is Dr Okulate' greeting. After speaking with the supervising Nurse on Night -duty, I was told admission deposit was N250,000. I almost swallowed my tongue. I reintroduced myself as a doctor and even identified myself with an I.D card to eventually convince her- not without much pleading- to accept a deposit of N120,000 at midnight. She was then wheeled in to begin the last 48hours of her life.

I have gone through this much detail to show how easy it is to die in Nigeria. Like my Aunt, many lives are frittered away in this society called Nigeria. It is a dark place. A jungle on its best day. There are too many things competing to take human lives in Nigeria. Many of them preventable. Every year the WHO releases health statistics showing life expectancy, infant and maternal mortality and others. Every year they give Nigeria some alarming figure. In my honest opinion, those figures are conservative. Those figures are generous in view of our reality. In a society where records are not kept and where human beings die like ants on a daily basis, the WHO needs more than 'estimates' to be sure where our health system stands. Our health system failed Folashade. Just as it will fail millions of Nigerians in 2013. They then tell us Nigeria is the worst place to be born in 2013 and we immediately warn them to refrain from 'insulting' us. Jokers.

I miss my Aunt Shade. I miss her very much. She was the definition of a mother. Even with nasal prongs supplying oxygen into her nostrils on the E.R bed, Folashade still worried about her kids. She still jumped up in bed to ask how her daughter (my cousin) was doing. She gave her all for her children. Even till death. Folashade taught me about love. Her life radiated it. She was soft-spoken and humble. She was a hardworking woman. She tried so hard to ensure her daughters never made the mistakes she made as a young girl and she was a peaceful person. She was also very beautiful. On the anniversary of her demise, I went through the programme of her funeral and my cousin's tribute to her struck me again. She wrote that she was her mother's garden and that she was sure she was going to a better place where there was no pain or evil. She was right. Infirmity ravaged Aunty and she aged quickly within a few months. She really didn't deserve the pain and suffering. She also didn't deserve to die.

Alas, those that scoffed at Folashade's trials and eventual demise are today ravaged by ill-health themselves. They also now know pain and suffering just like you did. Fortunately, you are no longer in any pain, unlike them. I'm sorry if I have silently prayed theirs last a while longer. Even before sickness struck them, they didn't know peace. As my people say, 'wicked man na wicked man' and whatever a man sows, same will he reap. Even the Bible says so. Cursed is he, whose kids take care of him in his old age or sick bed only out of obligation rather than out of genuine love and affection. Folashade died knowing very well that her kids loved her and they were ready to give their all to keep her alive.

Finally, I will advise everyone who has ears. Nigeria has no plans for you or your unborn generation. At the moment, the greatest gift you can give any unborn child isn't a good education or good values. It is a non-Nigerian citizenship. Give them a chance at life. An American citizenship is probably the most prized asset you can give your child. Just knowing his life expectancy isn't 48years or whatever. I was once told life expectancy for a sickler in Nigeria was 12years while it was 51 in the USA. What this means is that as a sickler in the USA, you had a better chance at living long than a full healthy adult man with AA genotype in Nigeria. Give your kids an option. Nobody deserves to be stuck here. Death is cheap on our streets.

Folashade Adetoun Odeneye (June 26 1962 - January 3 2012)

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