Please Eat At Home

Many of us who grew up in Lagos know the city is renowned for its endless social gatherings now popularly called 'Owambe'. Somebody's either wedding or christening a child or 'warming a house'. Other times, its a burial or simply a party for the sake of throwing one. Whatever the reason behind hosting a party in Lagos, one thing is sure...people will turn up!

Now, people turn up for different reasons. Some come out of respect for the host, they want to identify with the host and let him or her know, they have your support. Others come because they simply can't turn down invitations. They live for dressing up and strutting their stuff with all manner of anatomically intriguing poses for photographers. I once saw a lady at one of such parties whose pose reminded me of one of the three statues that welcome you into Lagos from Ogun State. The last set of people come to your event for one reason and one reason alone. To eat. And eat, they must!

Many of the people who know me closely know I can't stand Lagos parties, weddings especially. One of the reasons for this my aversion is this aggressive hunt for food by many folks at Lagos Owambes. I attended a wedding with my Aunt some years ago in Surulere. They had graciously served everyone-as far as I could see-their main courses and many were actually still digging into their plates when the waiters started serving dessert which was in the form of 'small chops'. Just as one of the guys was about to pass a plate of 'small chops' across my Aunt and I to another guest, she smacked his wrist violently as she barked 'Did they say you shouldn't serve us' at him. Naturally, the plate fell right in front of her. I was perplexed by such aggression. After-all, it was just a plate of puff-puffs,samosa and one small piece roasted turkey.

Alas, my Aunt wasn't that bad as I would find out recently at a wedding I attended this weekend. What I saw could be best described by Matthew 11 vs 12 where the Bible talks about the kingdom of Heaven and how only the violent take it. A guest at the wedding almost ripped out the head of a waiter in the bid to secure a plate of rice and chicken. She reminded me vividly of how a mother-hen with day-old chicks charged at intruders with her feathered wings fanned out. I pitied the waiter. If only he knew, he would not have toyed with fire on that fateful Saturday.

This got me thinking. Here was a decently dressed woman who left her home that afternoon to felicitate with the wedding couple. She had thoroughly embarrassed a young man because of seven or eight spoons of rice and a piece of beef. Was it really worth the altercation? Was the hunger that life-threatening as to warrant such merciless predation? Could this imbroglio have been avoided if she had ate some food before leaving her home for the party? Food is after all, just food. In a few hours, it would be nothing more than chyme on its way down the gut en route a toilet bowl. You can't even stop it from leaving the body as feaces, so why fight dirty to acquire it?

I'm of the school of thought that you should always eat before showing up at any party. You have come on your own volition to rejoice with the host. You were not coerced so why turn into a kick boxer like the food had insulin and you were a diabetic! If by some glitch in protocol or natural error of omission, food has not reached you then that's fate telling you subtly that it wasn't meant to be. Do not force it for verily verily I tell you that it is this type of aggressive hunt that ends up giving people gastroenteritis and the subsequent needless hospital visits to come and disturb innocent under-paid and excruciatingly frustrated Lagos doctors.

If God has blessed you with enough money to feed yourself, then you do not need to declare war at Owambes because the jollof rice didn't reach you. Just take water-if that gets to your table-drink it with love for the couple and walk to your vehicle with your self-esteem intact. You can then decide to drive home to prepare a meal or enter the nearest buka and pay for your food. Do not squeeze your face like you have face pain because of rice and chicken or maltina. It simply isn't worth it!

I'd like to advice those coming to my wedding because of food. God is watching you. Eat at home before coming o! If you don't eat at my wedding, wait for seven days, there'll be someone else's own where you can try your luck. It is not a competition. It's not like you'll even remember what you ate at my wedding a fortnight later so why should I even bother myself. Lagosians don't send you. There'll be bigger weddings, soon, mine would be some oblivious event they attended many weeks ago. You can also bring your own food and drinks. 

God will bless you as you come.

If you want a war, please go to Darfur in Sudan. Stay away from my occasion.