Website Palaver

There's a school of thought that firmly upholds the theory that the Nigerian state is a reflection of her civil service. The proponents of this theory believe most of our inept public officers were hitherto part of a system now renowned for mendacity, larceny and gross ineptitude. This system is our beloved civil service.

Before we proceed on this show of shame, the link below takes you to a video. This is a high ranking officer of the Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corps, one of the security parastatals saddled with securing the lives and property of Nigerians. Please listen carefully to the conversation on live television.

http://t.co/rtf1zDNEW1

For all we know, this man could be the spokesperson of the NSCDC. If this didn't surprise you then not many things in life will. For those who didn't quite pick the line of discourse, he was simply asked for the website of his organisation. That seemingly straight-forward question became a quagmire of epic proportion.

The NSCDC sent an adult man to address viewers in Nigeria and their representative did not have an idea what his organisation's website was. He tried so hard to whip up something in his head to say but the cerebral faculties just could not deliver. Remarkably, like a typical Nigerian, he tried to intimidate his interviewers like he had an idea what he wanted to say by telling them to 'wait now'. He also ensured he spoke in a confident loud voice with distracting gesticulations as part of his act. I pitied him at some point. The presenters should have figured it out immediately the stuttering started. The man simply did not know the website. Just let him be.

Another thing that got to me was the fact that he really couldn't come up with any 'phantom' website. I believe he could have spewed any website at all at that point just to save face. After all, it was not like any of the presenters was going to try to log on to the website immediately. Just say www.nscdc.com.ng or www.nscdc.org or www.nscdc.gov . Just say anything! What this tells me is that he is not a very intelligent man. He can't think on his feet and it disturbs me that he will sit on panels to interview Nigerian graduates who will apply to work for the NSCDC at different capacities. It disturbs me that such a man will one day, after rising to the highest level of service at the NSCDC, believe he is well equipped to lead and run for political office. The vicious cycle of madness and inanity will continue unabated. I find that very disturbing.

Again, many of us will laugh over this issue and forget the crux of the matter. We are in a dire state and I assure you that the folks at Nigerian Prisons, Nigerian Ports and Nigerian Immigration might not fare any better than our beloved NSCDC spokesman.

Interestingly, this man represents one of the organizations that we have entrusted with lives of Nigerians in the North and other parts of Nigeria. You then wonder how Boko Haram is winning the terror war when our troops are under the supervision of men like these. Ask an average Policeman what the Nigerian Police website is(if it's functional of course). You will be shocked. In this age of technology, where information dissemination goes faster than avian copulation, it is disheartening to think our security personnel are still this dull. In an age where the SSS, Nigerian Army, Police, NIA and others should have a central data bank where vital intelligence information can be shared?

Alas, that is the story of our country. In this man's village, he is probably a chief. After all the NSCDC thought him smart enough to represent the entire organization on national television. For this singular act, I would have him queried if I were the Director General of the NSCDC. There's a difference between forgetting momentarily and not knowing entirely. This man did not know that website, not that he forgot. When he managed to come up with anything, he simply said "www.nscdc..... " He doesn't even know there should be a suffix like .com or .org. We should even give him credit and thank God that he even knows websites begin with 'www'. He could have said '0-8-0'.

Finally, my brethren, we are in God's hands o! For those who still believe the government provides security, I wish them luck.

For me and my household "the Lord is my refuge and my fortress; In Him will I trust".

Education & Nigeria's Bright Future

I was at a stand-up comedy event over the weekend and while we waited for the show to begin the organisers decided to entertain us with candid videos of some our favourite Nigerian celebrities. They were given a 'word of the day' and were asked for the meaning of these words. Initially, I found the stuttering quite amusing but this was short-lived. It soon turned into a horror flick as the videos reeled on the screen.

I believe it is only fair we all watch these videos before reading further just so this satire makes any sense. Below are some of the links. If however, you have any difficulty with opening these links directly from my page, I suggest you google 'flytime TV word of the day'. There are about 6 or 7 of such videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6o8QQUITBg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97yRm8I_tPg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtcoWFeY_V4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCP8piTuOGE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qlJglcvXJo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hubPPqwVyd4

I decided at some point to believe some of the people interviewed were simply joking around. But then again, what if they weren't?

Timaya had never heard of the word 'Incumbent'. Ice Prince believed 'incumbent' meant something that was about happen. Sexy Steel and Tiwa Savage practically just gave up in frankness. They accepted they didn't know the meaning of the words. The same thing played out for words like haphazard, conspicuous, penultimate and traumatize.

To buttress what I always knew about our eroded value system, one of the artistes actually pleaded with the interviewer to ask him what a brand of champagne was instead of the definition of an English word. Another one said 'No be English I take blow o!'. He really did speak the truth. He didn't blow with English. He did with senseless lyrics. Why teach the viewers how to spell when you could tell them of the finest cognac and flashy cars.

Another striking feature in these horror shows was the foreign accent with which the faltering artistes spoke. Nigerians are wonderful people you know! Even the ones who claimed they lived abroad before moving down here and the ones who are television presenters didn't fare any better. While the video played, I looked around and everyone was laughing really hard! The audience obviously thought watching their superstars bungle English words and their meanings was intensely hilarious. For me,there was absolutely nothing funny about it. Rather, we need to take a minute and ask ourselves some very serious questions.

Who are the role models our young people have? Are they not these same artistes they watch on Soundcity every afternoon after school. All our young people want to dress and talk like our superstar artistes. They want to copy the 'swag' and adopt the neologism from their 'heroes' on television. In 2009, only 26% of the students that sat for the SSCE had at least a credit in five subjects including Mathematics and English Language. In 2010, it dropped to 24.7% and then 31% in 2011. Last year, we experienced a 'staggering' rise in our pass rate to 38.8%. In four years, we have never passed 40% pass rate in WAEC. This includes the candidates that sat for their exams in 'Special centres' and those who passed the exams with the aid of 'bullets' and the popular 'Keypoints'. Even with all our machinery, machination and mercenary, 4-out-of-10  remains a tall order for us?

According to the 2011 UN Human Development report, over two-thirds of the world's 793 million illiterate adults are found in only eight countries (Bangladesh, China, Egypt, Ethiopia, India, Indonesia, NIGERIA, and Pakistan). Not bad company if you ask me. China is a world super-power and Bangladesh makes the coolest tee-shirts! Again, I am worried that this 61.3% literacy rate includes people like Kenny St.Brown, who claims she is a graduate of English (as stated in one of the videos) and who believes the word 'haphazard' means 'stopping in the middle or half-way'. Amazing!

I once read a quote from someone I can't quite remember now. He said 'education used to mean a lot to me until graduates began working for illiterates'. He could not have said it better.

The richest young people in Nigeria today are not school-smart. They can't define simple English words. They wear Brazilian hair and are 'swagged' like there's no tomorrow. They are fashion icons and drive the classiest Aston Martins and Range Rovers. They 'pop' champagne every other night and travel to the most glamorous countries. I assume the footballers would not have fared any better either. Today, wealth in my country isn't encrypted in degrees or good diction. The question is, what is our definition of wealth?

There's a reason our WAEC pass rates are stunted. Who cares if Iyanya can spell so long he can wind his waist to Kukere and tell women 'all I want is your waist'. Who cares if Dammy Krane's IQ makes a toad look like a genius so long he can assure us 'ko le re body'? Who cares if Timaya is smart so long he can ask us to 'shake our bum-bum'. Education used to be the key to the future. The money is no longer in the classrooms. It simply isn't.

Let's just keep dancing. The future of Nigeria is so bright we would need sunglasses to look at it else we get blinded by the light. Yes, it is that bright...

Mr Tai Solarin always said 'Knowledge is light'. He caned it into his pupils in Ikenne. If only he knew how times have now changed.

A Five Without Its Six

There are days you wished dawn never broke. There are phone calls you wished never connected just as there are drives you wished you never embarked on.

It was just before 5p.m on that Wednesday when my phone rang. Our neighbour called me and asked where I was at the time. I found it strange that he would ask me such a question. We had been neighbours for a few years now and not once did he call to ask me such. He asked that I return home immediately after I picked my toddler from day care. Something required my urgent attention in the house apparently.

So, 2013 turned on its head within the first twenty two days. I would never see you again and I didn't have a say in my best friend's departure. We woke up on the same bed this morning. We talked about 'nothing' really. We just gossipped like primary school kids. We laughed then you scolded then we laughed again. The girls were getting ready for school while you played with your only son like you always did in the morning. You tried to feed him before I dropped him off at his creche. Your eyes lit up every time you carried him. I could tell you were intensely proud in our little prince, just as you were of his three older sisters. We left you in the house to do 'school runs'. We left you forever.

I am in the living room now and its about 7p.m. The house is filled with people dear. I can see their faces but I do not recognize them. Their lips are moving incongruously but I hear nothing. I always knew there was a difference between looking and seeing. Between listening and hearing. I can't see or hear anything. You are conspicuously missing at home.

They are all here because of you. Honey, where are you? They keep asking me to be strong. They keep hugging me and some are crying. I've heard 'It is well' at least a million and one times since I arrived at home. So much so that I think I will scream if I hear the now trite remark again. Our first daughter is seated on the dinning chair looking indifferent. She probably has never seen this much people in our house at the same time. She's old enough to comprehend the concept of death and your departure. The two other girls look stricken. Hypnotised maybe. They were the first to see you lying quietly and lifeless on the kitchen floor. I imagine they probably thought Daddy was playing a prank when they shook your cold body to announce their arrival from school. The trauma and horror that must have followed upon realizing that the life in you was gone is something I wish they didn't have to experience at such young ages.

Honey, this was not the plan. When you said good bye this morning, I didn't know you meant it would be forever. You sounded like you'll be here when I got back in the evening. I can't even remember if I kissed you before I left the house. Dear God, I hope I did. I think I was rushing to beat that  Abraham Adesanya and Ajah traffic. The month is ending soon so work has been a bit demanding as my department has been reviewing the books for the month and planning staff salaries. Maybe if I had any inkling I would never see you again I would have taken the day off to hear you say the nice things you are now renowned for. Maybe I would have cooked you your favourite dish and let you kiss all our kids on their foreheads with parting paternal blessings. Maybe I would have just sat there looking into your eyes and staring all day knowing I would never see you again. But then, life is like that. In a single second, everything could  change. In a second, a world could implode just as mine has today with your demise.

The whole street is lined with vehicles. There are relatives, friends and strangers. All looking at me and shaking like heads sombrely. So, this is what it feels like to be widowed at any age at all. Our son is playing around the room. Oblivious of the fact that his biggest fan is no more. It pains me more that he only had you for less than two years of his life. You had such big plans for the young man. He'll never have you at his milestones. That shatters me! We had planned three walks down the aisle, one for each of the girls. Now, I would have to do all this by myself. I think I'm anaesthetised. I feel something a bit more grave than pain. I feel numb. A voice in my head tells me you are on one of your business trips. Surely, you can't be dead. You are in Ilorin or Abuja. My 6 can't leave me in this wicked world all by myself. It's not his nature not to keep his words. You adored our kids too much to leave them this soon. Then again, the other very frightening voice in my head tells me 'What if he is indeed not coming back?'.

They are all here. Relatives who have benefited from your largess are here wailing. Who do they run to now for help as you were the pillar in the family. You enjoyed the role and ensured you did it with a smile always. Neighbours who lived with you in the estate are also here looking shell-shocked. They still waved at you over the fence a few hours and days before. You were full of life and charm. Your pleasant personality was hard not to admire. Some of your business partners are here also. The documents they were planning to send to your office for your perusal and signature all lie there now. As null and as void as ever. Some of them are probably still owing you consultancy fees for some work you did for them. We'll never know now, would we?

You were the centre of my world. No. Actually, you were my world itself. How does the sun exist without a sky? Can an ocean be what it is without water? I can't find words to express how much you meant to my being. There are really no words. Especially now that you are not here. Especially now that you are lying in a cold drawer with no clothing on your back. Words fail me really. Where exactly do I begin? How do I continue without my guardian angel? You promised me forever! Forever can't be seventeen years only! This was simply not the plan my darling...

I believe God exists now. If I ever doubted His omnipotence, the events of the last few hours have certainly changed that. Surely, there's a more superior power controlling this world. How else does one explain this absurd event. You were well this morning! It didn't even cross my mind that you'll not be here when I drove into the house in the evening! Verily, life as I know it will be never be the same. Sleeping and waking without you will be torture. I suspect it will get even worse as the days pass and turn into weeks and months.

I need to wake up from this nightmare. It must be a vile prank and it must stop. It is very unfair to have my emotions played with like this. This must stop! I'm nothing without my number 6!

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord"- Romans 8 vs 35-39


03:11:1962 - 23:01:2013

Sun re o...

Protecting 'Innocent' Tenants

Governor Raji Fashola has awed many cynics who believed, hitherto, that good governance was impossible in this part of the world. I may not be one of those awed by his 'gargantuan' achievements in transforming Lagos into a mega-city but then, everyone has a right to his or her opinion.

The State government floated a tenancy law in 2011. Governor Fashola signed a document into law that made it a criminal offence for any landlord to lease residential property for more than a year at a go. This grave sin according to the laws of Lagos will attract a fine of one hundred thousand naira or a three month jail term. It is also an offence for any of the parties to destroy any part of the property in the process of enforcing his will or claim. He claims the law is designed to protect 'innocent' tenants from gluttonous and reprehensible landlords.

I know a woman in Lagos who pays her taxes and does legitimate business to make ends meet. Every kobo she owns, she toiled for. Today, she has managed to erect residential apartments in some parts of Lagos. Some years ago, she took in an 'innocent' tenant in one of her apartments. The tenant paid his first rent without hassle then took possession of the property like a gentle dove. Subsequent rents became imbroglios as this tenant turned out not to be so 'innocent' after all. Eventually, she became fed up and asked that he vacate the premises. What followed was a three-year tussle in the ever efficient Nigerian courts. This is a woman who didn't get a dime from any fellow to build that house. Her fate -and that of her hard-earned property- was now tossed in the hands of a detached and bored Judge. Eventually, the matter was ruled in her favour. The tenant who had lived in the house for free for the duration of the court case as well the year preceding the court proceedings was directed to vacate immediately and pay the 4-year rent in lieu. Good news right? Justice served abi?

Well, the 'innocent' tenant packed his property and vanished during the night. This is not fiction. Till date, his whereabouts remain unknown. The neighbours woke and found the house empty. The 'gluttonous' landlady was left to lick her wounds. She had been cheated by the same people Fashola is out to protect and now, she has nobody to turn to but to pick herself up and move on forfeiting 4-years worth of rent in the process.

The same woman purchased a property in Yaba area about a year or so ago. It was an old residential property with rooms that housed many families. The occupants were duly informed by the family that owned the property that the property had been put up for sale. To this end,, the instructed the caretaker to stop taking rents from the tenants. It took another year before the property was sold and all this while the tenants stayed rent-free. Upon the change of ownership to the woman in question, the occupants refused blatantly to vacate the property she had paid some millions of naira for. I was present at one of such meetings to persuade them to vacate the property. What I heard shocked me! The sitting tenants told the new owner to pay them off before they could leave her premises. I shuddered. Believe it or not, those tenants are still sitting pretty since April 2011 as the woman thought it was absurd to pay off tenants after paying humongous sums to the original owners. It's been almost two years since she paid for that property, she has neither developed it or even leased it out. These are the 'innocent' tenants Mr. Fashola intends to protect?

We must separate idealism from pragmatism. Neither Governor Fashola nor any other politician at that, has the right to tell a landlord what to do with his property. Real estate is a business. The laws of demand and supply must prevail. At best, common sense must prevail. What role has Mr. Fashola played in alleviating the suffering of landlords like the woman I have described above? Will Mr. Fashola run after nefarious fleeing tenants like the one first described above? Governor Fashola insists it is illegal for the owner of a property to tear the roof off a property that houses belligerent tenants. They have now spent over two years in the property rent-free. They are sitting tight because they know a court case will take another three years after which whatever the verdict, they'll escape unperturbed. Head or tail, they still win. The owner of the property incurs the loss from capital that has been tied down fallow for many years. Will Mr. Fashola pay the landlord the accrued interest on this dormant capital?

It is not enough to spew inane policies in the name of promulgating laws or impressing praise-singers. We must be fair to everyone involved. It is not enough to generalize all landlords as being vile just as it is folly to label all tenants as 'meek and innocent'. 

I am not a landlord yet. I hope I become one at some point in the near future. When I do become one, I'll do with my property as I choose. Neither Mr. Fashola nor any proponent of his mega-city-Lagos-is-working charade was present when artisans almost ruptured the blood vessels in my brain by constantly inflating construction costs. Did Mr. Fashola subsidize the cement I bought thousands of bags of to erect my own property? Does Governor Fashola know how much it costs to perfect a certificate of occupancy in Alausa there under his nose? Is he aware I have to bribe everybody from the gate to the office of the Perm-Sec to get anything done on building approvals and so on? When the 'omo-oniles' descended on the property and I had to go and 'settle' them so work could continue on my property, where was Mr. Fashola then and his tenancy laws? Does he know how much land use charge is now in his state? So, the landlord has sinned against God now by owing landed property in Lagos that he must incur all these charges and still be told what to do with his property afterwards?

When I become a landlord and my property is up for lease, in order not to upset Governor Fashola, my rent which for example could have been say N50,000 per annum will be set at N100,000 per annum with one free year if you lease the property. Like one of those buy-on-get-one-free bonanzas. Shebi its the number of years I can lease that gives Oga Fashola a headache, not the amount I fix my rent as. So you pay twice the rate you would have paid for a year and I graciously 'dash' you one free year to stay on my property. Abi that one that one too na treason?

Ultimately, Nigeria is a peculiar society where everyone is out to bilk the next person. We must always consider these tendencies before labelling a set of industrious people as gluttonous. I have also met decent tenants who are respectful and reasonable. Nigeria, however, has made them endangered species.

Call 767...God Will Rescue You

 No. It's not the Argungu fishing festival in that picture. It is not the Bonny Regatta either. What you see there is the Lagos Lagoon with our world-class Emergency 'Rescue' team.

So, following the sanitation exercise on Saturday, January 26, I dashed out of the Island en-route Magodo. It was just a little after 10:35am and I had just passed the Adekunle exit of the Third Mainland Bridge when I noticed 'something' flew off the Bridge into the lagoon. What followed was chaos as cars began parking as curious Lagosians leaned over the railings on the bridge to catch a glimpse of this 'unidentified flying object'. I immediately knew it had to be a vehicle. What else could it have been!

Mr Shola Oladimeji must have been a regular Lagosian till that fateful morning. When he drove out of his home that morning, I am certain he could not have guessed he would end up at the bottom of the Lagos lagoon a few minutes later. How he survived such a freak accident in Lagos, I will never understand. Never! What I do understand is that, first, he is alive because Jehovah has a specific mission for him which he is yet to achieve and second, he was not 'rescued' by our efficient Emergency services in Lagos a.k.a '7-6-7'.

Lagos is the commercial nerve centre of Nigeria. Does this picture above look like a 21st century shot? If you leave out the lone blue-roofed marine police boat, the picture could pass for a 1944 Ijaw regatta. This is the response team we despatched to save Mr Oladimeji.

The majority of the rescue men were Ijaw fishermen going about their normal 'daily bread' search. These are the same people, Governor Fashola insists are distorting his 'Eko Mega City' image and went after their cousins like a rabid canine some months back. I hope Governor Fashola understands that these fellows are a crucial part of our ecosystem in Lagos. Not only are they an established source of smoked fish, they are now the core -at least from this picture- of our marine Emergency response squad. Hounding them in the name of a factitious mega city will be to our own detriment and will be tantamount to grave folly on our part as Lagosians.

If Raji Fashola asked me -which I know he never would- I would advice him to develop these aquatic communities by mobilizing huge funds for sanitation and health. BRF can encourage these ones by siting standard schools in the communities with well paid teachers. He can site primary health centres among them to cater to the needs of the Ijaws. A vocational centre where skill acquisition in canoe construction and net assemblage can be gained will help. Alternative energy infrastructure to help these ones conserve their products will be appreciated instead of sending the Ministry of Environment after them. Venice in Italy, is a city built entirely on water and is now a foremost tourist centre in the world. When we chase them all from our 'mega city', will this one marine boat suffice in responding to distress calls?

In June 2008, I understand another banker plunged into the lagoon and was not as lucky as Mr Shola Oladimeji. The rescue men were probably asleep as not much fishing goes on at night. From what I gather, rescue operations did not start till 4a.m even though the accident occurred the previous night. While this is totally unconfirmed, I won't be startled if it holds some iota of truth. What this tells us that without those Ijaws, we are practically helpless in the event of marine accidents. Time and chance happens to us all. To Mr Oladimeji, fate chose 10am. Replace that a.m with p.m and Mr Oladimeji would be a dead man by now.

It then begs the question. Who exactly is responsible for such emergency responses? The FRSC? The Police? NEMA? All of the aforementioned? Does the government have any other equipment apart from this lone marine boat and the heavy duty equipment it 'borrows' from Julius Berger? Do the people in government watch CNN and see the manner of specialized equipment and manpower despatched in the event of exigencies? Do we have marine response units that are well trained and undergo regular drills? Your guesses as to the answers to these questions are as good as mine. Capital N-O. We all saw the Costa Concordia drama in Italy. That is the kind of response you expect from serious nations of the world.

Nigeria is a reactive nation. A docile and indolent bunch. Nobody thinks of anything till disaster strikes. We didn't audit our aviation sector till that Dana plane smashed into homes in Iju. We didn't wonder about routine maintenance till that Navy helicopter plummeted into the swamps in Bayelsa in December. We will not review our emergency services till it fails a 'big man' though the lack of them kills Nigerians like ants everyday. We will wait and say it is well.

I am reminded of a story on Newsline in the days of Frank Olize many years ago. A house was burning in Ikoyi. The owner of the property, a lady, allegedly called the fire service and was told there was no water in the trucks. She parted with money for the fire service to buy water and diesel. Somewhere on the way to the burning house, the truck broke down and the firemen sat looking aloof while the driver 'formed' activity by sticking his head into the engine compartment trying to fix the malfunction. All this while, the house kept burning.

Please note, this does not mean you should not call 767 when you have or notice an emergency. Hopefully, they'll respond better to you than they did me a year ago. The ambulance was despatched, it just never got to me.

May God help us.

Half-Truths: Six And Half A Dozen

I'm not one of those who believe in New Year resolutions. I discovered at a young age in my life that there really wasn't any point making any. The older I've become, the more I have realised that resolutions are what they are. Mere words. This is why the only resolution I make now is to strive to be closer to my God in the new year. This 2013, I broke my own rule. I made a resolution besides the regular one I stated above.

This 2013, I made a resolution to completely ignore any of Nigeria's antics in global self-ridicule. I made a mental note to stop hassling myself about Nigeria's dire state. I promised myself that I would not devote time on this blog to ponder on Nigeria's sorry state. Alas, I'm about to break that resolution.

Sometime in January, my President was at the World Economic Forum in Davos where he granted an interview to CNN's Christiane Amanpour. The seven and a half minute show of shame can be viewed here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwGzypkUS8A 

In this interview President Jonathan graciously asserted that the power sector was one of the areas where Nigerians were particularly happy with what his government has done in the last two or so years. What followed was an uproar on social media. This uproar was not from Americans or Iranians. It was from Nigerians who took to social media to call their own President all sorts of unpalatable names. Even that did not shock Ebele as this is something he is now accustomed to. The drama, unfortunately, did not end there.

During a football game in America, there was a power cut and again Nigerians, not Americans, went gaga on Twitter. We went on about how it was a usual thing for power to elude citizens in Lagos and indeed Nigeria. Barely two weeks before, our President told the world that Nigerians were happy with him as the power had improved remarkably and now the same Nigerians-who are supposedly ecstatic-are tweeting that the power situation is horrid. Christiane Amanpour must have been very befuddled. So she compiled a small report about what the people on Nigerian streets were actually saying about the power situation. If you haven't seen it then watch here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGNIUNtCF48&feature=share 

What followed this short exposition by Amanpour was outrage from a few people including Maupe Ogun. She demanded an apology from Amanpour for making a joke out of Nigeria and went on about how there had been an improvement in the situation which the CNN lady deliberately kept quiet about. Maupe, in my view, did not just bite more than she could chew by trying to take on Amanpour, she also did so unreasonably. What exactly has Amanpour done that she should apologise for? Did she concoct those tweets sent in by Nigerians? Did she pay the Nigerians that tweeted to rubbish Nigeria? What was even funny about the snippet of our shame that she helped us broadcast to the world? Or was this, indeed, her only crime?

I have inadvertently caught Maupe Ogun on her daily show on Channels TV. From the little I've seen the only striking thing about her is that her command of the English language is better than that of our First Lady and Karen Igho. I also understand she holds a Masters degree from a British institution and was so outstanding that she was invited as one of the journalists that anchored a Presidential chat with the incumbent sometime last year. If I remember correctly, Nigeria was not any better at the time of that media parley and Maupe and her colleagues were well aware of that fact. Instead of taking the golden opportunity to ask Mr President some nerve-racking and hard-hitting questions, Maupe sat there smiling from molar-to-molar like a village virgin who was about to be deflowered by the rich village Chief. I found it sickening. I find it even more sickening that she went after Amanpour for no sensible reason.

I do not know what part of Lagos Maupe resides and how outstanding PHCN is in her neighbourhood so I won't understand where she noticed the improvement. Where I live there's hardly power when I am going to bed and when I'm leaving for work in the morning. How PHCN fares in between that time I can't even attest to. I am speaking entirely for myself as those Nigerians,not Americans, in Amanpour's report did for themselves. We must appreciate that for a country that is perennially in darkness the generality of the people will notice any slight improvement in power supply. And even where this power has improved, at what cost is it in terms of Naira and Kobo.

Christiane Amanpour isn't our enemy. Just as Rick Ross wasn't when he came to shoot a video in our slums. Just like the Ghanaians that told us the truth some months ago that resulted in the small fracas between them and us on social media. They just told us the very ugly truth! This same truth we do not like to hear. We delude ourselves with the 'only Nigerians have the right to taunt Nigeria' concept. It is silly and excruciatingly dull of us to continue to think this way.

While I appreciate the crave for public attention by the likes of Maupe Ogun, I must implore her to do so within the confines of common sense. Her grudge is misdirected as Amanpour does not-and will never-control what Nigerians in Nigeria tweet and say in front of a camera. Next time, Maupe, 'look face' before you pick a fight. My candid advice for Maupe is to, in fact, aspire to achieve Christiane Amanpour's feats in international journalism. The woman has been to war-ravaged regions to report crisis all over the world and hit hard at political leaders across the globe with daunting questions while Maupe sits inside Channels studio every morning hugging an iPad in the name of presenting a talk show. No offence, Maupe, but next to Christiane, you are featherweight and will remain such if you do not begin to apply yourself more to objective journalism. Ants do not go to war with elephants my dear.

Meanwhile, like the folks in Lagos in Amanpour's video, I think the power is just as abysmal as it was years ago. I still woke yesterday night drenched in sweat because there was no power and the weather was hot. I will still get home today and not even bother to flip the switches because I'm almost certain that there would be no power in them. In fact, when I do get home and hear the freezer rumbling with power I get worried. That is the honest truth.

Amanpour and the rest of the world called our bluff. They saw through our frivolous claims. They are not our enemies. Enemies do not tell you the truth like they have done.

We call it six. They called it half-a-dozen.

Please Eat At Home

Many of us who grew up in Lagos know the city is renowned for its endless social gatherings now popularly called 'Owambe'. Somebody's either wedding or christening a child or 'warming a house'. Other times, its a burial or simply a party for the sake of throwing one. Whatever the reason behind hosting a party in Lagos, one thing is sure...people will turn up!

Now, people turn up for different reasons. Some come out of respect for the host, they want to identify with the host and let him or her know, they have your support. Others come because they simply can't turn down invitations. They live for dressing up and strutting their stuff with all manner of anatomically intriguing poses for photographers. I once saw a lady at one of such parties whose pose reminded me of one of the three statues that welcome you into Lagos from Ogun State. The last set of people come to your event for one reason and one reason alone. To eat. And eat, they must!

Many of the people who know me closely know I can't stand Lagos parties, weddings especially. One of the reasons for this my aversion is this aggressive hunt for food by many folks at Lagos Owambes. I attended a wedding with my Aunt some years ago in Surulere. They had graciously served everyone-as far as I could see-their main courses and many were actually still digging into their plates when the waiters started serving dessert which was in the form of 'small chops'. Just as one of the guys was about to pass a plate of 'small chops' across my Aunt and I to another guest, she smacked his wrist violently as she barked 'Did they say you shouldn't serve us' at him. Naturally, the plate fell right in front of her. I was perplexed by such aggression. After-all, it was just a plate of puff-puffs,samosa and one small piece roasted turkey.

Alas, my Aunt wasn't that bad as I would find out recently at a wedding I attended this weekend. What I saw could be best described by Matthew 11 vs 12 where the Bible talks about the kingdom of Heaven and how only the violent take it. A guest at the wedding almost ripped out the head of a waiter in the bid to secure a plate of rice and chicken. She reminded me vividly of how a mother-hen with day-old chicks charged at intruders with her feathered wings fanned out. I pitied the waiter. If only he knew, he would not have toyed with fire on that fateful Saturday.

This got me thinking. Here was a decently dressed woman who left her home that afternoon to felicitate with the wedding couple. She had thoroughly embarrassed a young man because of seven or eight spoons of rice and a piece of beef. Was it really worth the altercation? Was the hunger that life-threatening as to warrant such merciless predation? Could this imbroglio have been avoided if she had ate some food before leaving her home for the party? Food is after all, just food. In a few hours, it would be nothing more than chyme on its way down the gut en route a toilet bowl. You can't even stop it from leaving the body as feaces, so why fight dirty to acquire it?

I'm of the school of thought that you should always eat before showing up at any party. You have come on your own volition to rejoice with the host. You were not coerced so why turn into a kick boxer like the food had insulin and you were a diabetic! If by some glitch in protocol or natural error of omission, food has not reached you then that's fate telling you subtly that it wasn't meant to be. Do not force it for verily verily I tell you that it is this type of aggressive hunt that ends up giving people gastroenteritis and the subsequent needless hospital visits to come and disturb innocent under-paid and excruciatingly frustrated Lagos doctors.

If God has blessed you with enough money to feed yourself, then you do not need to declare war at Owambes because the jollof rice didn't reach you. Just take water-if that gets to your table-drink it with love for the couple and walk to your vehicle with your self-esteem intact. You can then decide to drive home to prepare a meal or enter the nearest buka and pay for your food. Do not squeeze your face like you have face pain because of rice and chicken or maltina. It simply isn't worth it!

I'd like to advice those coming to my wedding because of food. God is watching you. Eat at home before coming o! If you don't eat at my wedding, wait for seven days, there'll be someone else's own where you can try your luck. It is not a competition. It's not like you'll even remember what you ate at my wedding a fortnight later so why should I even bother myself. Lagosians don't send you. There'll be bigger weddings, soon, mine would be some oblivious event they attended many weeks ago. You can also bring your own food and drinks. 

God will bless you as you come.

If you want a war, please go to Darfur in Sudan. Stay away from my occasion.