2015 -2019

Someone very close to me who is a direct victim of Nigeria's failures, who has been professionally stagnant for the last year and whose ultimate goal now is to escape the shores of the land has been vehemently opposed to voting for Buhari as President. To this person, he is not a Christian and since Christianity is the only acceptable religion, anything other than this must be rejected. The argument that one man will islamize Nigeria is one I find disappointing, especially when you hear it from close relatives who are educated. 

There are people in Nigeria, who would still vote for the current President even if they saw him with their own eyes doing 'number two' on their lawn at noon. They will rationalize even the most absurd and idiotic things. Why? Because, he is a Christian and because he is from a particular ethnic group. In my opinion, they are even worse and worse off than those who do it for monetary benefit. I have not come to address these ones. That will be akin to attempting to stop a goat from eating yam. 'Pikin wey go die, go die'. By all means, carry on.

Leadership is a bitter-sweet pill. It is as easy as it is as hard. About a week ago, a Tunisian museum was attacked by two terrorists who opened fire on mostly tourists and killed a few people. Later that day, I caught the Prime Minister on television, assuring his people that they were on top of the matter. A few days later, he sacked prominent security chiefs when investigations showed there were indeed lapses in security. Swift, precise and assertive action. No committees. No hearings. What this tells the world and the new security chiefs is that the government isn't joking. We will fire as required!

A few weeks ago on Facebook, I chastised Nigerian 'Christians' for the part they had played in the campaigns of calumny leading up to Saturday. I was disappointed that the current President appeared to be banking his ambition solely on divisiveness and not merit. I got a lot of stick for that. I was unhappy about the way churches were fingered everyday in bribe scandals and partisanship. I wondered why one man was allowed to take campaign to churches while the other man could not take his to mosques. What I got, was the feeling that Christians, Nigerian ones especially, had a delusion of grandeur about the supremacy of their creed. You got the vibe that they adamantly believed they were 'better' than any other and they had no apologies for this view. That is however, a matter for another day.

Since Buhari threw his hat in the ring for this election, I have heard nothing but a calculated attempt at assassinating his character. He was first too old to be President. Then, he was a fundamentalist whose ultimate plan was to institute Sharia Law in Nigeria. Then he became the sponsor of Boko Haram. Then he became an illiterate who scored F9 in Mathematics in precolonial Nigeria. Then he was sick and couldn't run around a stadium. Then he was admitted in a London Hospital. Then, he was surrounded by too many criminals and so was not worthy. Then he was an al-Qaeda sponsor or was it even the other way round. Now, he is a paedophile who married his current wife when she was 13 years old. Interesting isn't it? 

Many people say Buhari set our democracy backwards in 1983 after the Shagari coup. I beg to disagree. The real setback started in 1985. We all agree that corruption has beleaguered us since the days of our founding fathers. Under Shagari, nobody disputes that corruption assumed a new level of brazenness and 'anyhowness'. Morality had been thrown to dogs and we were on the brink. Buhari and Idiagbon understood the root cause of the problem and sincerely, maybe not popularly, tried to address it.

The root cause was the 'Nigerian mentality'. A mindset of doing things anyhow. They understood where the correction had to start from. So they forced us to queue like human beings were expected to do. They sanctioned hoarding traders and were crude in their war against indiscipline.  Perhaps, if this process had not been truncated, if civility had been ingrained into our DNA, maybe today, our anyhowness would not reached such epic proportions. 

We are at the brink yet again. We're looking up the barrel of a shotgun. The economy is stiff from rigor mortis and only awaits an official funeral. The hospitals and schools are thoroughly embalmed in the mortuary, they've been dead for a while. Unemployment thrives like a God-given natural resource and the unemployed present healthy fodder for mischief makers. The idle mind is the devil's workshop after all. Every day, you have figures hurled at you to force pseudo-progress down your throat while you still can't sleep without generators blaring.

This isn't the time for 'birthrights' my people. This is crunch time. We need to make pragmatic choices now. Sentiments have no place now. If you're not prejudiced and can engage in self-reflection then ask yourself truly how your life has fared in the last decade as a Nigerian. Answer sincerely.

How President Goodluck Jonathan himself isn't even voting for Buhari is what surprises me more. You would have thought it was a no-brainer. Yoruba ni 'iku jina s'orun' (sleep is very different from death). Let us stop, breath and start over. The excuse that saboteurs abound who constantly truncate progressive steps made by this government can't be acceptable any longer. A leader must know how to pick a functional team. Hire and fire weekly, if you must till you get it right. Excuses just can't cut it again where there are so many lives at stake.

I wish to implore you the weary and undecided voter. Not the reprobate apologist. You, who is worried that they are all the same after all. I agree with you. Maybe they are. Maybe they are not. The taste of the pudding is in the eating. You have munched on this 'kpomo' for six years and it still hasn't softened. Perhaps it is time to spit it out and try beef? Here and now is a chance for us to test the strength of our democracy by flushing out incompetence at any level and by any government. Does Buhari strike you like the type of man that will be a stooge to Bola Tinubu in office as they comically claim? Even Jonathan as innocuous as he looks defied Obasanjo after he came President and refused to be a stooge. Let us give Nigeria a lifeline at least.

Truth is whoever wins on Saturday has an arduous task ahead of him. The economy for one is in dire need of CPR. Buhari's frugality and discipline assures you that even if we are drinking garri, we would all be drinking it together. The sacrifice will be across board. It will not fall squarely on the poor  as it almost did in 2012 with fuel subsidy scam but you are sure we will cut waste which this government has promoted in the last 6 years. We will all tighten the belt!

I believe a lot of good can still come out of Nigeria. This is the reason why I am trying again at this eleventh hour to appeal to your good judgment and conscience. I am hoping I will strike the right nerve that will jolt you from your hypnosis and apathy. I am appealing to the centers in your brain that control reason and insight. Activate them! Think about it. The numbers do not simply add up and the next four years are crucial.

As a parting thought, with all you've read and seen in the news, imagine two scenarios. Each a Wednesday morning at Aso Rock Villa and the weekly Federal Executive Council meeting is on. Seated are Namadi Sambo, Femi Fani-Kayode, Gani Adams, Asari Dokubo, Doyin Okupe, Buruji Kashamu, Bode George, Diepreye Alamieyeseigha, Musuliu Obanikoro, Iyiola Omisore and James Ibori (as he would complete his sentence very soon).

The other scenario:Professor Yemi Osinbajo walks in with Buhari. He is flanked by Babatunde Fashola, Ben Akabueze, Bolaji Abdullahi, Oby Ezekwesilli, Donald Duke, Odein Ajumogobia, Kayode Fayemi, Pat Utomi, Charles Soludo and Sanusi Lamido Sanusi (if God answers my prayers and he can run the Finance Ministry as Emir). Close your eyes for a minute and imagine the content of such a discourse.

I urge you. Nothing but our best eleven should be on the field between now and 2019. If we miss it now, we may never get it right again, EVER!

Humpty Dumpty: Lee's Way.

I first heard of Lee Kuan Yew a few months ago as the campaigns in Nigeria kicked into gear. I had never heard of him before the jingle that compared President Jonathan to him. In that jingle, President Jonathan was also compared with Martin Luther King and Barack Obama and that immediately told me what type of leader Mr Yew was (and was not). It wasn't hard to deduce from the association.

I had never heard of him but I had heard of his country, Singapore. I had heard great things about the country but I never really tried to find out how the country evolved to become one of the most beautiful and prosperous nations in the world.

The Central Library at Imperial College London is a massive edifice. Six floors of wild and unfettered knowledge that will make you cringe especially if you were 'educated' at the University of Port Harcourt like me. My brother joked that at Imperial Library, the higher you went, the hotter you were. The folks on the last floor were supposedly in the realm of spirits in terms of their I.Q. My own simple explanation was that the proximity to God and Heaven, being the highest floor, probably accounted for their genius. So I thought it would be interesting to 'visit' those top floors.

The striking thing about the library, and the entire university as I would come to realise, is the number of Asian students enrolled there. Every where I turned I saw Asians. To me, anybody who looks like Jet Li or Jackie Chan is Chinese. Pardon my simple generalisation but I couldn't understand how anyone could differentiate given the striking resemblance. As I would later find out, a sizable number of the Asians in Imperial College are Singaporean. Many on scholarships from their Federal government and others from Singaporean-based companies like Singapore Airlines. The students are sent to London and other choice educational institutions around the world to learn and return promptly afterwards to their home country. 

Staying back after the degree doesn't cross their minds. It was never even an option. Their country has more millionaires per capita than any country in the world. They are not trying to get post-study visa or any of the schemes my countrymen seek to remain in the United Kingdom. At home, life expectancy in 2014 was 81 years for men and 87 years for women. At home, unemployment rate in 2012 was 2%. If na you too, you no go go house?

The next time I heard about Singapore was during a lecture some months ago. Interestingly, the same lecturer mentioned Nigeria when he was discussing 'potential'. As a matter of fact, he mentioned Nigeria over and over when he spoke of market opportunities. He attributed Singapore's success to the quality of the civil service there. The best brains worked for the civil service and their remuneration rivaled the biggest multinationals to ensure talent-retention was optimal. If you were smart and not working in the civil service then it was certainly not because you were looking for better pay. Alas, you get to appreciate why the country has state-of-the-art infrastructure and strong economic policies. Tax rates are low, good security and a well-run social welfare system for the elderly. Again you understand the reason for the high life expectancy. If na you nko? You go gree die?

I have taken time to describe this country because earlier today, she lost probably the most important man in her history. Lee Kwan Yew. His exploits are glaring for all to see and I can imagine the sadness that must have engulfed the land. He is testament to the extent of what one man with a vision can achieve. To build your country up from literally nothing to one that is now reckoned with globally. Sheikh Mohammed Al Maktoum also proves this in the United Arab Emirates. A man who knows where he is going doesn't talk. He acts.

He died today at Singapore General Hospital. Not some fancy hospital abroad. Of course, this would not have been possible if he had not addressed his country's healthcare system. Nelson Mandela died in South Africa also. As I suspect the King of Dubai will, whenever his God calls him. These leaders believe strongly that whatever is good enough for the average citizen should suffice for them also. Service.


Singapore didn't get to where she is today without some harshness from Lee Kwan Yew. You can't chew gum in public in the country. He was deemed too autocratic in some quarters but it didn't deter him because he understood how the human mind works. You won't achieve any semblance of order and progress by 'anyhowness'. Sometimes, you need some caning like Mr Yew did his citizens to get some sense into people's heads. 

In 2007, when people complained about his style of leadership, his response was ''You know, the cure for all this talk is really a good dose of incompetent government. You get that alternative and you'll never put Singapore together again: Humpty Dumpty cannot be put together again...my asset values will disappear, my apartments will be worth a fraction of what they were, my ministers' jobs will be in peril, their security will be at risk and their women will become maids in other people's countries, foreign workers. I cannot have that!''

If you're sighing and shaking your head, I assume his response strikes close home in your mind. It sounds all too familiar. Successive incompetent governments and we're on our way to restoring status quo in a few days time. He was a visionary. He saw Nigeria through the eyes of Singapore. Perhaps, Humpty Dumpty will actually never be put together again.


The lesson is clear for all of us to see. We can keep trying to explain who qualifies to be a goat and why the yam is free game. We can also decide to start whipping goats till they are allergic to yams. The choice is ours.


A true legend has passed on. His countrymen will never forget him. His story will be told to generations. They'll study him to understand living a life of purpose. A life of service. 

Those who compared President Jonathan to him have quite a sense of humor though. You have to give them that.

Sun re o Lee Kwan Yew (16/09/1923 - 23/03/2015).

We here can only dream of men like you....

Son, When It's Time To Marry...

'A man's first office is his bedroom. His wife is his first adviser. If she gives foolish counsel, he is finished' - Anonymous.

Hold that thought. I want to tell you a story of three women. Toss the quote around in your mind and take a few minutes to watch this, this and this. 

I recently had a son and sometimes I catch myself smiling when the thought of him 'toasting' girls comes to my mind. Yes, I know it's still many years from now but I like to imagine myself at his age as he attains developmental milestones. About two or three decades from now, if Christ tarries, he would introduce a young lady to me as the 'one'. Life.

I didn't get a lot of relationship advice from my father so I consider myself very lucky. Lucky because, if not for providence, I could have gotten it remarkably wrong but I still managed to strike gold. Eledumare, in His infinite wisdom and kindness, set me straight by first showing me that every coin has a head and a tail and you won't really appreciate 'heads' till you've tasted tails. Dear Son, this one is for you.

There are three women in the three videos above. Two First Ladies and an aspiring one. Three influential women, whether you agree or not. Obviously, for reasons beyond our control, there isn't any real basis of comparison between one and the other two besides the fact that they are all espoused to active politicians. Michelle Obama. Patience Jonathan. Aisha Buhari.

Again, there's a popular saying, that if you want to know the caliber of man, take a look at his wife. I like to modify that a bit by insisting you listen to his wife rather than just look because of the The Bible's warning in the book of Proverbs. 'Even a fool when he holdeth his peace is counted wise and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding'. Engage your wife by all means. Listen to her.

Mrs Obama towers above the other two women on the basis of diction and maybe over just one on the basis of looks. I found that I became teary at some point for no logical reason while I listened to Mrs Obama. Maybe because I saw many other people in the video crying or maybe because watching and listening to her made me realise just how far behind we are in my own country. She said 'Being President does not change a man, it reveals who you really are'. Oro nla!

This is President Obama's Chief-Adviser.

I don't like to discuss Mrs Jonathan. I believe Nigeria owes her an apology, after all, she is only a product of a decrepit system. Over time,our educational system has continued to rot away and now, we have a system where when you're even lucky enough to pass through school, school might refuse to pass through you. A cesspool of untrainable and unemployable school-leavers who have been failed by an even more fungating government. We have been unfair to Mrs Jonathan really.

While I believe Nigeria should take the blame for the quality of education she received and that which many kids in the country are currently receiving, the publicity she gives herself cannot be blamed on Nigeria. That is entirely her fault. The ridicule would probably not be as bad if she wasn't this garrulous. There is nothing wrong in avoiding public speaking. You are not obliged to address people at gatherings! If you believe it is insulting to visit and possibly enroll in finishing schools where etiquette and poise are learned then simply send a representative to stand in for you if you must deliver an address. The more scary thing is that she was a teacher for many years! Again, a symptom of a wasted educational sector.

The last woman isn't a fantastic public speaker also. Her diction isn't without its flaws but she appears calmer and better composed. She comes across like someone who can settle down to think and therefore more likely to give worthy counsel. Maybe she's not half the politician Mrs Jonathan is but you can tell she's more cultured and civil in her speech. Her brain still seems like it hasn't lost its connection to her mouth. It is my honest opinion that she's probably not cut out for stuff like this but was compelled to enter the fray after we started hassling her husband to prove he was married to a woman to disprove our suspicion that he was Lucifer. She seems like she would rather be in a kitchen somewhere preparing Tuwo Shinkafa.

Dear Son, your wife has the power to make or break you. Ask the greatest men alive and they would tell you the roles their wives played in their lives. Bill Clinton has Hilary. Bill Gates has Melinda. Your grandfather has your grandmother. Likewise, some who have fallen have their wives beside them. Laurent Gbagbo has Simone. Engage her by all means. Listen to her speak.

Hilary Clinton would probably be running for the highest office in America in 2016. I also think Michelle Obama has the swagger and carriage to one day lead her country. They have a lot of depth and are certainly more than just their looks. The question is, can Bill leave the Presidency to his wife to run? Does Mrs Obama have the 'feel' of a leader and can Barack, take a sabbatical leave with her at the wheels? I believe very strongly that the answer is yes. So Son, marry a woman who you can leave with your work and sleep calmly with your eyes closed. Marry a woman with couth who can represent you effortlessly in any gathering. After all, the two of you have become one. Abi no be so?

Son, imagine the nature of the conversations Barack has with Michelle and Bill with Hilary. Imagine the television shows they watch and the books they read. They obviously don't watch Patience Ozokwor hunting her daughter-in-law with juju while eating boiled corn and groundnut. They probably engage in remarkably intellectual discourse. You can only have that if your wife is at your level of intellect or even higher. Your wife must challenge you intellectually and professionally. That is the only way you will keep cerebrating and aiming to be the best version of yourself. Your wife must not be  only good for 'oya cook Afang and Periwinkle' or 'oya, lie down'. No! Never! 

Remember, this is the person who would probably have the strongest influence on your kids. Also note that there are unproven assertions that kids acquire 80% of their intelligence from their mothers and the rest from their fathers. While this has not been backed by scientific data, science however agrees that brainy sons owe their intelligence to their mothers. So, it is no longer for your sake now but for the sake of your children. Give them a chance. Engage her by all means. Listen to her speak!

Do not take it with levity. There are many things in life that money cannot correct. Once it goes awry, it has gone awry. Even with Nigeria's entire treasury at her disposal, Nigerians are still not spared the embarrassment that usually trail Mrs Jonathan's public outings. We can buy her the rarest diamonds and the most precious rubies but her tongue has 'formed' like concrete. It is akin to attempting to straighten dry and bent crayfish. We are only reaping what we had planted many years ago by our continued 'anyhowness'. 

A very good friend of mine insists President Jonathan can never convince him he is a good leader simply because of his prime follower and deputy. He believes a man who cannot call his wife to order cannot understand leadership. To him, something has gone wrong with the respect structure there and followers often refuse to be led by people who they do not respect. Some may argue this view is a tad misogynistic. Others, like me, may be inclined to agree given the unguarded and outrightly inelegant statements Mrs Jonathan has been credited with in the last few weeks.

So, how does your wife challenge you?

Chei!

Let's Play Ostriches Mr President!

Many years ago, I was taught by a charismatic and enigmatic Paediatrics Professor called Kanu Nkanginieme and he used to say 'History has shown that man fails to learn from history'. Looking back now, the man was a strongly-principled visionary who had assumed deity status in the mind and psyche of medical students. He was quite right. We never really learn from history so we allow it repeat itself. Over and over again.

I finally watched a very popular documentary about the history of Nigeria last week. The two part series (watch here) attempts to expound on Nigeria's journey since our independence till date, tossed from one regime to the other. I think it is critical for every Nigerian to watch it just to have an inkling of where we have come from to enable some clarity about happenings in today's Nigeria, some fifty years after. If Professor Nkanginieme is right, which I believe strongly he is, this knowledge of our very dark past will not deter us on our seemingly determined direction into an even darker future. 

For those who still confer President Jonathan with the attribute of being clueless, I truly have pity for you. You are the reason Agege bread loaves are getting smaller and DSTV subscription fees are getting higher. Hitherto, I used to think this misconception about the President's character was because things were not easily discernible and so the President succeeded in fooling people. From the rhetorics of shoeless childhoods to the promise of fresh air, albeit an already freely-given gift from God. But lately, things have become much clearer and you do not need to be a deep-thinker to decipher the machinations of Goodluck Jonathan.

If by now, you also still believe that this election, if it eventually holds (and this is a big IF), will be violence-free then again I have pity for you. We need to be pragmatic now and not bury our heads in sand like ostriches and pray and fast against an inferno when we are playing with matchsticks in petrol tank farms. It just can't add up. Yesterday, Lagos was shut down by a campaign activity in support of President Jonathan. In attendance were OPC members and a youth wing of the PDP and they tried to sell Mr President's reelection by sharing fliers while wielding axes, machetes and broken bottles. Motorists were held hostage as the campaigners who also demanded the sack of INEC's Professor Attahiru Jega went ahead to vandalize opposition campaign billboards.

Interestingly, these acts of lawlessness went on in the presence of Nigerian soldiers and policemen. A number of prominent Nollywood actors were also part of this show of shame. At some point yesterday a picture of Mr Reuben Abati, a supposed intellectual, standing behind Gani Adams, the leader of the OPC, at a press conference surfaced. The same Gani Adams, who led yesterday's campaign in the city of Lagos. A glorified tout who now commands police and military escort and leads campaigns with Nollywood actors behind him. Amazing, isn't it?

Many people will say I'm being hyperbolic and as usual being precocious in heaping the blame on the President. For me, it is a classic case of 'aje ke loru, omo ku laro...t'alo pa omoje' (a witch cries at midnight and the baby dies at dawn and we wonder who is responsible for the baby's death). It is not news that Mr Jonathan has been visiting Lagos often in the past few weeks lobbying and advertising his good works in government. He is in Lagos every other week, either kneeling for endorsements or prayers and you wonder who is then steering the vehicle called Nigeria if the driver is this distracted. I suspect very strongly that yesterday's show of shame and madness is one of the many fallouts of President Jonathan's visits to Lagos. In the coming days, I suspect we will see more of it.

President Jonathan cannot tell any right-thinking person he was not aware of what happened yesterday in Lagos! It is impossible. It defies logic! You mean there are military men just sitting around and looking for PDP campaigners to drive around with in the midst of a war with insurgents in the North-East? You mean policemen were just strolling around town and encountered a potentially dangerous gathering of young people with knives and bottles and just decided to drive along? If you believe all this happened without the knowledge of Goodluck Jonathan then you must be a landlord in fool's paradise. It is not enough to tell me that there are people acting without the President's knowledge so you can't blame him. That is imbecilic talk.

Some weeks ago, some television stations including the national one, the NTA, aired documentaries of calumny against the opposition candidate. It was sponsored by TAN, one of the many support organizations that have sprung up since Mr President declared his intention to run for a second term. Mr President exonerated himself by saying he didn't even know the people who paid for and produced these dirty jingles. But he heard and saw them! Did he ask the Director-Generals of BON and NTA to explain how such filth got on our airways? No! He just said the usual 'I don't know' and people bought it. A good leader ought to lead by example. Words are words. Words without action are empty.

Also, Asari Dokubo keeps saying there will be war if President Jonathan  loses the election in 2015. Again, Mr President does not lift a finger but says on a media chat on live national television when asked about the militant's threat that it's not just Asari that has been threatening violence. That both sides have been doing so. Incredible! And the man will come and reassure you that he will not sacrifice the blood of one Nigerian on the altar of ambition and you actually believe this man? Why? Because he comes to camp to fellowship every month or because he is a practicing Anglican? Mr Asari Dokubo, thanks to Nigeria, is now a billionaire and when you threaten to take his source of livelihood, he will bark. President Jonathan knows this obviously. Can he charge Mr Dokubo for threatening Nigeria's sovereignty or even freeze his ill-gotten assets? Of course he can. He is the PRESIDENT! But what you get is Mr Dokubo making cameo appearances at events hosted by the President and new 'pipeline-protection' contracts worth millions of dollars.

Last week, the President renewed the contracts of these militants and has now included Gani Adams and Fred Fasheun in the new payroll. You can now understand why Gani Adams jumped out yesterday to, in my opinion, celebrate his arrival on the scene of the national cake. For a scientific person, President Jonathan's actions defy logic and this is the more reason I pity those who think he is clueless and doesn't know what he's doing.Surely, no man born of a woman is that stupid! Now, we have enriched touts and bandits with national contracts and we've empowered them to recruit more from an infinite pool of unemployed young people. The disbursement of mobilization fees at a time so close to the elections is timely as they will be able to procure choice arms and ammunition. On the other hand, we have politicized our military and starved them of funds for training and equipment. We have a Navy but we give militants our waterways and pipelines to man, YET, crude oil theft has not abated. 

If you are a clear-thinking person, then by now, you should have the big picture in your mind's eye. President Jonathan is preparing the ground for chaos and anarchy and I do not see anywhere else to place the blame. He is surreptitiously assembling an army of mercenaries to prosecute this plot and the signs are quite clear for all to see. Someone rightly pointed out a few years ago that with the amounts of money missing from Nigeria's coffers, he was worried about what exactly the Presidency was preparing for in 2015. We still have not accounted for those figures under this President. 

I once watched a movie starring Edward Norton and Robert De Niro. The former played the role of a professional con artist who showed up at work everyday, perfectly pretending to be a mentally challenged janitor while plotting heists. This is who President Jonathan reminds me of. Someone who is fully aware of what he is doing and pitches his 'softness' and seemingly calm mien to deceive people into actually believing he is entirely innocuous and isn't capable of wrong-doing. It is a well-thought and calculated ruse which unfortunately sits easily with Nigerians, being a shallow and easily-distracted bunch. 

Alas, Robert Nesta 'Bob' Marley said many years ago. 'You can fool some people sometimes, but you can't fool ALL the people ALL the time'. Some like Feyi Fawenhimi, Don Jazzy and a handful of other people I know have now realized they were conned in 2011 by assuming 'he wasn't one of them'. You can't blame them, everybody loves a fairytale. 

The 'I don't know' line from Mr Jonathan shouldn't hold water any longer. If unexplained sums of money hit my bank account every other day, my explanation cannot be 'I don't know'. It becomes my duty to go out of my way to know and have a tenable excuse. I find the President's habit of playing ostrich when things happen for his benefit rather insulting and despicable. And a tad cowardly also.

Those of you who defend idiocy in the name of ethinic and religious jingoism, I hope you have valid travel documents and travel plans. The man, and his friends who have enslaved you, have fueled aircraft and accommodation outside the country. Their offspring are camped in choice apartments abroad furnished tastefully with your taxes and commonwealth. At the drop of a hat, they'll disappear. When shit hits the fan, maybe not all of us will be splattered after all. Stay here and be pointing out ghost trains as dividends of democracy when serious countries are plotting how to travel from New York to London in one hour at speeds five times the sound barrier. They are plotting how to print 3D images of the heart to be used in transplants and you are here glorifying idiocy. Nobody ever wins a war. Ask Sierra Leone, Syria, Sudan, Somalia and Liberia. Read up the 1967 Civil War here in Nigeria. Long after the bullets stop, the agony remains palpable!

Befittingly, I will use Kanu Nkanginieme's words to close with a word of advice to the President. Laurent Gbagbo. Charles Taylor. Uhuru Kenyatta. Man never learns from history and history NEVER forgets. You can be President for three decades but one day....

One day!

The Week In Review

*Whoever assumes office in May as Nigeria's next President has a lot of work to do. That is a given. Forget about all the dandy campaign promises to either consolidate or change. The economy is in shambles due to forces now beyond Nigeria's immediate control vis-a-vis the sustained global fall in oil prices. One commendable thing about this government, in my opinion, is the dexterity which which the magnitude of the problem has been downplayed so far. The average Nigerian is totally oblivious of the dark days the country will soon face. I know this for a fact from the public discourses that have trailed the two major contestants. The nature of the issues people base their arguments for and against the candidates shows you how simple-minded and shallow Nigerians can be. 

This aside, any Nigerian President who wishes to lead Nigeria and isn't entirely sure just how much work he has on his hands should pay attention now. If you do not understand just arduous the task that faces the next resident of Aso Rock is, please visit Punch Newspapers online. Strange? Relax, I'll explain. 

When you find the newspaper online, click on any random story that is remotely about Nigeria and don't bother reading the content under the headline. Just scroll down to the bottom of the page and read the following comments section. It is at this point that you get a feel of just how deep Nigeria's problems are. Comments made by everyday Nigerians.

There was a headline some weeks ago about bird flu in some states like Kano, Ogun and some others I cannot immediately recall now. To my utmost surprise, a totally random story like this ended up with comments about how APC was better than PDP and how God was punishing APC State Governors with bird flu for their many transgressions. I was totally befuddled. How on Earth did bird flu connect to Kwankwanso and Jonathan I wondered. 

The distrust in the land at the moment is probably at an unprecedented level. Nigerians are so mind-screwed and emotionally damaged that they find a way to eventually connect the most remote headline in the news to politics and it is utterly absurd. You can have a headline that reads 'Mickey Mouse and Minny Mouse move next door to Daffy Duck in Disneyland' and the comments will be...

'SaiGMB2015 - just the way the man from otuoke will move out of aso rock #SaiBuhari'

'ForwardNigeria2019 - you're a big fool! he's not going anywhere till 2019'

'SaiGMB2015- your mother is a big fool. idiot'

'kenetheboy - useless president. see his wife talking anyhow'

And the tirades keep pouring in till you can't read anymore. You begin to wonder why Mickey Mouse just didn't remain where it was jeje.

It hasn't really helped that those in charge of the campaign for both parties act in the most jejune manner and keep bickering like schoolgirls fighting over Barbie dolls. Another day, another idiotic accusation and an even more idiotic rejoinder. I listened to Olisah Metuh and Lai Mohammed, the spokespersons of the two main parties, yesterday and I was deeply ashamed. When you throw in Femi Fani-Kayode into that mix, it becomes clear why 'ordinary' Nigerians think and make online newspaper comments the way they do. 

Nigeria's next President is going to have a lot of bridges to build and with the many other  issues he has to attend to i.e. social infrastructure, security and the economy, I would advise him to quickly murder sleep before he resumes office. Nigeria is lean on trust at the moment. Every action and utterance is perceived to have an undertone and nerves are on the edge all across the land. We are going to need more than national conferences to address it. 

Please do not ask me how. I wish I had the answer.

Take A Bow...Or Not!

My favorite word this year has to be 'anyhowness' coined by Professor Pius Adesanmi. For those who have not been fortunate enough to read any of the Canadian-Nigerian Professor's articles, I commiserate sincerely with you. The man's mind is nothing short of brilliant and one day, I hope I am able to write that well. I do agree that occasionally, it is quite difficult to find words to describe the absurdities Nigeria and Nigerians present so neologism isn't entirely out of place. According to him, nothing typifies brazen moral bankruptcy like the Nigerian state and it is a reputation we have now become renowned for globally. We just do things anyhow.

I was saddened today when I read about Senator Musuliu Obanikoro's confirmation as a Honorable Minister by the Nigerian Parliament. It wasn't just his questionable character, especially with the Ekiti rigging allegation, that made me pained by today's legislative accident. Where in the world are things done the way we do them in Nigeria I wondered. How does a man show up for screening for a job and we simply ask him to 'take a bow' and walk away and declare him fit to hold a portfolio overseeing national matters? Have you ever gone for a job interview in any company where they simply asked you to take a bow and walk away? Except you're Professor Wole Soyinka and the advertised vacancy is one of an Editor at a publishing firm then I simply can't proffer any explanation for such meaninglessness. 

Fundamentally, I think it is faulty reasoning to send generic ministerial nominees for screening in the first place. For every nominee, send the prospective portfolio he or she will be handling with a detailed job description. This allows the National Assembly undertake a focused and constructive interview of the individual. This way, you do not assign a farmer to a Ministry of Health and a plumber to the Ministry of Defence. How do you assign portfolios after the individual has been screened? What was he interviewed for exactly? It just does not make any sense. So, you go for an interview first before you know what post you even applied for in the first place. Anyhowness.

Some weeks ago, I stumbled on the British MPs questioning the Prime Minister in Parliament. I shuddered! It made me wonder who we offended in Nigeria and what we did to deserve the bunch that call themselves Senators and House of Representatives in Abuja. Ta lo n se wa? (Who is 'doing' us?) I saw MPs who KNEW their constituencies. MPs who questioned David Cameron about grassroots issues concerning ordinary citizens miles away from the capital. They were calling names of small families in the towns and counties! I was reminded of the importance of paying attention to those who take up legislative roles in Nigeria. We focus too much on the Executive and I think this has allowed many imbeciles slip through the net to become 'Honorables'. While the Executive deserve all the heat they get, Nigerians must hold legislators equally accountable. What are the constituency allowances used for? Do you even know the person who 'represents' you?

I was driving through Isolo some weeks ago and I saw an APC election poster that made me smile. It had the face of a young man I met some years ago and he was running for legislative office. His only 'experience' is that his father is a stalwart of the party in Lagos State. Nothing else. Anyhowness. 

At every level, we need to apply some common sense. It is not good enough to ask prospective employees to simply take a bow and leave and give them appointments. Will we do the same as business owners and managers for our personal businesses? If not, why do we believe that is good enough for a business as big as governance? When you get it wrong at this level, how do you then reprimand a non-delivering Minister? What deliverables will be used in appraising these individuals? They are going to be making decisions that affect 170 million people. The least we can do is to at least ensure they are fit for the positions. But it is Mr President that sent them so they bow and go. Anyhowness.

I believe strongly that Mr President has not led by example. There's a popular saying that when fish rots, it starts from the head. Mr President must first shake off the cloak of anyhowness for others to follow. By merely and precociously dismissing the allegation against Senator Obanikoro in Ekiti, he belittled and insulted the intelligence of Nigerians. He spat in their open wounds and looked away when the rights of the people he was elected to lead were trampled on by reprobate elements. By refusing to as much as investigate the authenticity of the tape and then nominating a principal actor in the saga for such a sensitive position, he reminded Nigerians that his 'I don't give a damn' stand has not changed. Those that think people attack Mr President unduly need to appreciate that the continued anyhowness cannot be justified and accepted. At some point, the cup will fill up and overflow.

I know it didn't start under Mr President. That does not however mean it should continue under him. That again is faulty reasoning. That will not solve any of the myriad ailments inflicting Nigeria. Mr President must begin to seek out the best brains to head his Ministries. Round pegs in round holes Sir. Insist that the Senate scrutinize your appointees thoroughly till they are certain they can deliver on the roles they have been nominated for. Curb the anyhowess by first nominating individuals based on merit, track record and technical expertise on the subject and not as compensation for losing party gubernatorial primaries. Ask each nominee to submit a well detailed compendium of the current problems faced by the sector he/she would be working in and an even more extensive road map of how they intend to address these issues. Please and please, stop asking them to take bows and leave.

Imagine if the military recruited that way. No physical fitness tests. No criminal record checks. Just take a bow and you become an army officer.

Anyhowness.

J.K: Omoluabi Eko

Before you start reading, please take a few minutes to watch this video

A few days ago, I penned my thoughts about the peculiarity of picking political bedmates in Nigeria. I wrote here about how it was usually a case of means and ends by citing Nuhu Ribadu, Jimi Agbaje and Muhammadu Buhari as references. Since then, as typical of Nigerian politics, a lot has happened and this includes President Jonathan's rendezvous with young people in Lagos. During this event, Mr Agbaje addressed attendees and naturally tried to garner votes for the visiting President. He said many silly things like asking people to vote for President Jonathan because he was better looking than Buhari. It was a show of shame no doubt but each time I listen to Mr Agbaje when he's not in the company of the Abuja brigade, I get confused. I find it very difficult to reconcile the Jimi Agbaje in this video with the one who dances and sings songs of idiocy on stage with the President during campaigns. I have a strong feeling that Mr Agbaje goes home on those days and hates what and who he sees in the mirror. He probably detests the man he is forced to be on the altar of ambition. He probably has many hats and picks each based on who is visiting Lagos for his campaign. He probably curses under his breath each time he has to surrender his intelligence to fan the flame of his ambition. Thus, he speaks like he is also in KG-2 when he is in the midst of adults at that level of mentation. It must hurt very much.

I still think Mr Agbaje is a better candidate despite last week's public dance of shame. This is an opinion I had even before I saw the video you watched at the start of this post. It was an opinion I developed the minute I listened to a debate between him and Mr Akin Ambode. No doubt, Mr Ambode is an intelligent man and a seasoned Accountant but with all due respect to him, each time I listen to him speak, he sounds bland and uninspiring. He is not an assertive person, at least he does not sound like one and he honestly comes across like someone who isn't entirely prepared to lead Lagos. A job you would, of course, agree isn't really one of the easiest around and certainly not one for the timid. Mr Agbaje, on the other hand, sounds like a leader. Like a man who you'd revere in a place of work and is more likely to galvanize people around him to deliver on their tasks. He has an aura of command and leadership around him. If you listen to him objectively, I am sure you'd agree he seems more likely to hold his own in a room of intellectuals. I dare say, that he probably would have been picked ahead of his main opponent were he an APC member and were the decision solely Mr Babatunde Fashola's. But, we know this is not the case; he is a PDP member and it was Jagaban of Borgu's call.

This campaign video gave me goosebumps. It is quite distinct from the nonsense that persistently insult our senses and sensibilities via radio, television and newspapers. Here was a man, appealing to the humanity in any reasonable person by telling you HIS OWN life story. He wasn't telling us how Ambode is originally not a Lagosian or how APC is bad or who worships Obatala or Sango. He focused entirely on the Jimi Agbaje brand and I found it wholly refreshing that campaigns could still be done with such civility and courteousness. After watching 'political appendages', according to Professor Wole Soyinka, refer to other people as being brain-dead (an assertion which I found hilariously ironical), I was excited by the content of JK's video. You see why I can't reconcile this with the JK that accompanies President Jonathan? I'm more inclined to see it like a dog that occasionally gets infested by fleas. When the fleas are away, the dog doesn't itch in public. The dog, however, isn't so lucky when the fleas pounce.

This should serve as a lesson to President Jonathan and his media handlers. This video was done by a PDP candidate so we know it is possible to make cultured campaign videos and documentaries. Another salient lesson that must not be missed in the video is the self-focus. When you want to sell a product, tell people why your brand is good and possibly better. You cannot tell me to keep using a product because the alternative is bad. It's akin to asking a terminally ill man to pick between cancer, which he already has and a heart attack. He knows the cancer is going to kill him anyway but he's not quite sure about the alternative and is wondering why he shouldn't take a chance with it. What you should be telling him is the chance of a cure and how he may have time to make/cross a bucket-list and possibly find peace before his demise. You can't keep harping on about how a heart attack is bad! The question is about Goodluck Jonathan, the answer CANNOT contain Buhari, except it is now Mr Jonathan's middle name. That immediately tells me you're not a serious person.

The President's camp recently released a documentary solely to advertise Bola Tinubu's sharp practices. The video is supposed to intimate us on how those who advocate change are themselves thieves. Again, I was left underwhelmed. If the Presidency had solid evidence to prove Bola Tinubu misappropriated funds, why not prosecute him? Instead of making propaganda videos to score cheap political points, why not show the world you have the will and chutzpah to fight corrupt past office holders. Send him to jail and make an example out of him! That, in my opinion, earns you greater respect home and abroad as long as the evidence is incontestable and he is found guilty in a competent court of law to rule out political witch-hunting. You are the government in power! If you have evidence to establish an open and shut case against the man, what are you waiting for? Or is it just to justify the fact that your linen is soiled also?

Unfortunately for Mr Agbaje, I still don't think he has enough to defeat the APC candidate. I fear the political machinery of Asiwaju Tinubu may just be too powerful for him to fight and win even with Abuja's backing. My advice to him, however, is that he doesn't need to belittle the achievements of the outgoing administration to make his campaign points. Acknowledge where the government has done well and emphasize that you believe more can be done. Whether he likes it or not, many people appreciate the small achievements of Mr Fashola's government and will consider attempts at running these down as petty and laughable. Besides, he is not contesting against Mr Fashola now; his opponent, like him is a gubernatorial greenhorn. Expound additional developmental plans you have to the electorate while you remind them of your accomplishments in the private sector as an employer of labour and an astute businessman. Address  and engage the middle-class and the indigent electorate directly. Explain to them that you understand the perception that the outgoing administration seemed elitist and tell them how you wish to develop better infrastructure to cater to them besides gardens that made for good pre-wedding photography in Lagos.

I pity men like Jimi Agbaje though. Very much so. To hold hands and fellowship with men like Olisa Metuh, Doyin Okupe, Ayodele Fayose and Femi Fani-Kayode can't be easy. He probably sobs in the solitude of his private chambers that history will never forget the era his name was mentioned in the same sentence with such characters. But you see, that is the game and this is what such esteemed professionals may have to endure to achieve certain goals. 

I wish Mr Agbaje well in all his endeavors including the upcoming elections. I hope to see many more 'omoluabi' campaign videos like this one. It exuded class and poise. It clearly depicts the Jimi Agbaje many intelligent people I know (my mother included) hold in high esteem. Certainly not the alter ego that appears anytime he has to share the stage with President Jonathan!

Pastors, Politicians & Actors: Nigeria's Aro Meta

It is no longer news that Nigeria is quite ill. Depending on where you stand, how hungry you are and where you come from, the severity of this illness may differ. Be that as it may, I believe we are all pretty much in unison about Nigeria's state of health. Things are just not well. I agree that this illness is quite protracted. We've faltered and fallen like a new foal since the British left us in 1960. Every given Sunday, we shock mankind with new and unprecedented levels of 'anyhowness'. We consistently disprove evolutionists who posit that disorderliness was only peculiar to our distant relatives, the homo habilis and erectus. We have sacrificed common sense and the sanctity of human life at the altar of 'bellenomics'. 

There's a concept in Yoruba culture called 'Aro Meta'. A triad of deities frequently appeased by traditionalists. Quite simply, it is to the African traditional worshippers what the Holy Trinity is to Christians. But unlike the latter that basically thrives on praise and thanksgiving, 'Aro Meta' will usually take sacrifices like goats, fowls and kola and will often hold subjects ransom till their voracious appetites are satiated. The Yoruba people also use the term, Aro Meta, colloquially to refer to three inseparable entities. This is therefore why I find the concept of Aro Meta particularly similar and applicable to Nigeria of today. Religion (and pastors), Nollywood (and actors) and government (and politicians) have conspired to keep Nigerians bereft of common sense since 1960. And in my opinion, this remains the root cause of many of our problems.

The role politicians have played in this continued mental slavery is quite clear. It does not need a lot of exposition. Make education a luxury that only a few can access and afford. When it is accessible, starve the sector of any meaningful funding and development so those that do access it are not really 'educated' but schooled. These schooled, and understandably, unemployable young people will fall into the rat race of jobs that do not exist and remain poor. As poverty thrives unfettered in the land, carry on with graft and during elections, address stomach infrastructure to remain in power. Repeat the cycle and the continuum of madness prevails. Simple!

The two other elements of the Aro Meta play more surreptitious roles in my conspiracy theory. They are such a well-orchestrated and oiled machinery that they are not glaring to the non-discerning eye because while the politicians mess with your stomach, these ones rape you at a higher and deeper level. They deftly mess with your mind and emotions so that at a psychological level, you are thoroughly mind-screwed. An emotionally damaged populace is ideal game for preying politicians so you see why the illness that afflicts Nigeria is chronic and possibly terminal.

I can't stand Nollywood. Let's get that out of the way first. I am still working on scientific research to prove my hypothesis that Nollywood art has negative feedback effect on Intelligence Quotient and is a leading cause of mental retardation in Nigeria. When I have verifiable data to support that assertion, I will ensure you get a copy. Nollywood churns out flicks everyday which if you watch long enough, make you believe life's problems are 'sent' from a wicked stepmother or a disgruntled relative in the village. The plots are usually around a poor village girl who the handsome Prince, who is already betrothed to another Chief's nasty daughter, falls madly in love with. Eventually, the solutions to many of these plots is that a Prophet 'sees' the evil hand and after steadfast prayer the spirit leaves the afflicted, usually in the form of two red tablets or an arrow, and returns to sender who subsequently becomes mad. When you watch this long enough, you stop processing with your mental faculties and start ascribing powers to imagined villains. You stop trying to 'cerebrally' find solutions to problems and quickly run to the third arm of the Aro. You don't have power, you are broke, your kids/siblings are unemployed, your roads are bad, your hospitals are virtual and the anyhowness is at proportional levels but you have Nollywood so you consume more and more of the inanity. 

These election campaigns have been intriguing. Recently, Dame Patience Jonathan hosted Nollywood actors at Aso Rock. I'm told it was a fine night of wining and dining. Every day, I see endorsements pour in from Nollywood for the incumbent government. A government that has presided over a careful economic and human decimation of ordinary Nigerians, who ironically, are the core market target of Nollywood films. So, you spend money you don't have to watch these movies and enrich these actors on one hand and then on the other hand, they endorse the same government that has annihilated your earning power? Nigeria has such rich history that if Nollywood was retelling the stories of our heroes past, many young people will understand and appreciate where we have come from. They can tell us the story of Murtala Mohammed and his sound leadership but that won't sell since Genevive and Ramsey Noah won't kiss in such a movie. They can tell us the story of Ahmadu Bello and his elegance and class as a Nigerian but that won't sell either since Mama Ozokwor won't use witchcraft to hound her hapless daughter-in-law there. They can tell us Biafra's story and the Civil war so we appreciate the value of peace and unity but that won't sell either, where will RMD and Omotola fall in love in that kind of film? So, they give us 'Blackberry Babes' and 'Beyonce vs Rihanna' instead. It is this total oblivion of our history that makes it easy for AIT and NTA to tell their own twisted and libelous versions of our history and mess with the brains of young people. They weren't taught in school and their 'education' did not emphasize reading so they didn't do that either.

The last Aro is religion. Why is China a superpower and we are not even though we pray more than they do? We have population also. We are the most populous black country after all. We have churches on almost every street in Lagos. We fast for 21 days, 40 days, 60 days and 90 days. We bring Lagos to a standstill every month when we gather to make supplications to God all night long. China doesn't do this and yet, they are eon years ahead in development. Why? Why should life expectancy in a less-praying and less-religious nation be higher than ours? Is it that we are so close to God that He calls us home earlier than the rest of the world? Is it because we are the 'light of the world' that we never have power? Is this the darkness we are told of in John 1 vs 5? That we will shine and the darkness (and GENCOs and DISCOs) comprehended us not? Why is our society backwards? President Jonathan has been a frequent visitor to churches recently. He has taken the transformation message to the Christians and has gone to subtly remind them that he is 'one of them'. A fellow believer. He has gone to subtly warn Christians not to be 'unequally yoked' with the sons of Ishmael. Churches that should ideally stand up for the oppressed in the society have become political dance halls for inept and desperate politicians. He comes to fellowship with us and we don't ask him why Alamieyeseigha, a documented criminal who skipped bail in London, is now running for Senate. We don't ask why Chief Bode George is now handpicking political office-holders after returning from jail for corruption. We don't ask why Buruji Kashamu is running the show in the South-West for PDP. We don't ask because Mr President is a believer like us. Until our Men of God revert to their original roles like in the days of 'thus saith the Lord', Nigeria will remain terminally ill. Days when kings feared prophets and couldn't buy them. Days of old when prophets quickly reprimanded erring kings and stood up for what was good and decent. Now, the fattest lambs and the honey of the Earth are reserved for our prophets, after all, they are God's mouth piece and should not 'lack'. 

I may have hit on a nerve. If I have, that is the exact reason why Nigeria's illness is probably terminal. In your mind, I have mocked your religion and I have touched 'the anointed' and done harm to the 'prophet'. We declare every new year, the year of Nigeria's liberation. 'God will help us' we keep saying. And the Aro passes us around like a football. They gang-rape our minds till we are numb to our realities and become full blown zombies who have surrendered every capacity to think and shake off our idiocy.

Like Professor Pius Adesanmi observed, maybe this is our reality and normalcy after all. '...maybe because some countries are just not meant to be good'. If not, how does one explain having such a potent trinity, all in the same country?

Arik Air & I

While I have my reservations for a lot of things the Yoruba culture stands for, I have nothing but unreserved admiration for its adages. Maybe it is the charmingly euphemistic manner with which these adages deliver clear and weighty messages.  A popular one is 'Iku yato si orun' which means there is a clear difference between sleep and death.

I was reminded of this adage as I disembarked from the Virgin Atlantic aircraft I flew in yesterday from Lagos. My shameless phobia for air travel is no longer news but yesterday, I had an epiphany. After yesterday's flight, I am undoubtedly convinced that the only difference between Arik Air and the BRT bus that plies Apapa-Oshodi Expressway is the colour and shape of the 'vehicles' in question. Add a tail and a wing on either side of a red BRT bus and you have Arik!I'm exaggerating abi?

Many of my friends who fly frequently between Lagos and London always wondered why I patronized Arik so faithfully. I was not even sure myself. I just knew my mother liked them so I presumed they had cheap fares but as I would find out later, they had the best baggage allowance at 30kilos per bag. Before 2013, the last time I took a long-haul flight was in 2004 and somehow I seem not to have any recollection of those experiences. So, you see Arik became the gold standard of my flying adult life. I probably still haven't fully recovered from the trauma I suffered from flying in Arik planes in the last year or so. 

My decision to fly differently this time was one based on self-advice and sober reflection. As I flew into Lagos in January, with my heart in my mouth as usual for 6hours, I did some soul searching and asked myself some cogent questions. Knowing what I did about Nigeria and Nigerians, would I entrust them with my money? No! Would I entrust them with my health? No! Would I entrust them with anything valuable? No! So why then was I repeatedly entrusting them with my life, which was supposedly the most precious thing I had at the time? Immediately, I made a resolution never to fly Arik again. I had pushed my luck and tested fate long enough. Even if it meant flying to Canberra in Australia first before connecting to London, Arik would no longer feature in my life's story. I just don't trust my countrymen. Especially in these days of Naira free-fall against the Dollar. You can't put it past Nigerians to resort to adulterated aviation fuel to cut costs. That's what a tiny voice in my mind keeps whispering to me anyway. 

I had never been on a Virgin flight before yesterday and the experience blew my mind. First the cabin crew smiled and looked like they truly enjoyed their job. It was a far cry from my regular, often frustrated looking Arik crew who always seemed like they were perennially on their periods. On one of such flights in October, a cabin attendant asked me to pull up the blind and I asked why since there seemed to be too much sunlight coming in. To my amazement, his response was 'the window must be up so if the wing is on fire you will be able to alert us'. Information Management 101. What better way to calm the frayed nerves of a very anxious passenger. I was expecting a simple 'Sir, it's just standard procedure during take-off and landing'. Of course, my eyes didn't leave the wing of that plane till we were safely on the ground.

The last time I ate rice on a plane, the outcome was not so pleasant. Arik had taught me a salient lesson. At 35,000 feet with dodgy lavatories, bread should be the meal of choice. Yesterday, I ate rice. I even added salad and yogurt to the mix and my bowel has remained normoactive. The in-flight entertainment screen worked (unlike some occasions on Arik's brand new planes) and I ended up watching three movies before we touched down. I almost did not even remember I was flying if not for occasional dips planes have in the air. There always seemed to be something to nibble on aboard the flight. Chocolate, sandwiches, candy...even plantain chips! It seemed like they were bent on belittling Arik by every standard known to mankind. Understandably, I was stuffed when the English pilot, who sounded so casual and playful, announced our descent into our destination. 

Since we typically ran Nigerian Airways, Air Nigeria and Nigerian Eagle aground, Arik is a befitting national carrier. It represents all we stand for and the lousiness that should now be engraved in our coat of arms. The 'anyhowness' that Nigeria is now renowned for has understandably infected Arik and they appear to be loving it. Fortunately, till date, they have had a clean safety record which is commendable. Unfortunately, I still don't trust them! 

As if Arik read my mind, the flight to Lagos suddenly became dramatic as we approached Lagos. An hour after the pilot announced that we were commencing our final descent into Lagos we were still in the air. At that point, my internal alarms went off. What on Earth was happening? Usually, it took 30minutes after that announcement to land but here we were going at top speed with no sight of the ground from my window. After another half hour, the pilot announced that he could not see the runway at MMIA due to the fog and that he would circle and try once more. If that failed, he said he would divert the flight to Abuja and wait till the sky in Lagos was suitable for landing. At that point, I knew for sure I was going to be making an impromptu trip to Abuja. Another hour in the air in an Arik aircraft. Damn! As if an extra five minutes was not unbearable enough. So we headed to Abuja and to my utmost surprise we were advised to remain in our seats till they instructed otherwise. My dear people of God, na so siddon start. An hour soon became six and we were still on the tarmac of the Nnamdi Azikwe International Airport, Abuja. Passengers understandably became agitated due to the paucity of information from the cabin crew and the hunger didn't help. Many had not had anything decent to eat since the night before. Many, like me, tactfully dodged Arik's sorry excuse for Jollof Rice so blood sugar was waning. One passenger walked to the bar on board and grabbed a pack of orange juice, he was obviously frustrated. Again, to my bewilderment, the Arik cabin attendant ran after him and tried to physically snatch the orange juice from the passenger's hands and a small scuffle ensued. It was not even pure natural orange juice! Made from concentrates and was Chivita!!! I was certain it couldn't cost more than 300naira per pack. I was thoroughly ashamed!

When that flight eventually landed in Lagos a few minutes before 1p.m in the afternoon, after sitting since 9:30pm the previous night, I had no doubt in my mind whatsoever that it would take something cosmic for me to board another international Arik flight. I had paid my dues. So, don't blame me if it sounds like I have given Virgin Atlantic too much credit. It is only when you have swam in an ocean that you realize a swimming pool shouldn't drown anybody. 

May we not chew kpomo when our mates are eating meat. There's a popular song by King Sunny Ade. 'Ma je kin ba won de odo lai pon omi' (May I not follow them to the river and not fetch water). That is my sincere prayer for anyone who is reading this. Never again!

Arik isn't an airline. Leave kpomo...chop meat!