Dear Doctor...

I have contemplated doing this post for a while but haven't really had the time or drive to bring myself to do so. That changed this morning after I read Mrs Chukwuma's, the late Chaz B's wife, account of her husband's tragic end at St Nicholas Hospital.

I recently gave up clinical medicine after six years of donning the white coat. I miss being a doctor sometimes. Other times, I do not. Not because of the crappy pay or uninspiring work conditions. To be responsible for peoples' lives is a big deal for me. It was one I took quite seriously during my time in the consulting room but being an outsider now affords me the luxury of a different perspective.

My learned colleagues who are still practising medicine in Nigeria will probably not agree with me. This is a natural reaction as I imagine I probably would not have agreed also two or three years ago. I will therefore understand and even appreciate such divergent views or submissions.

I found Mrs Chukwuma's experience at St Nicholas relatable. Largely because I also had such an unsavoury experience in the same hospital about three years ago. It is an experience millions of Nigerians can also relate with. Hospitals staffed with doctors who may have lost touch with their humanity and mortality. I have worn the shoes before so I think I know what I'm talking about. Now, I see hospitals differently from the time I used to work in them. Working in hospitals and attending to patients create an aura of immortality. Is it a conscious thing? I'm not quite sure. It becomes easy to just forget you are also human when people, old and young, look at you in awe like some deity and often beg you to take action because their lives or that of their loved one depend it. So you strut around the hospital with a stethoscope hanging on your neck and you bark at patients like they are nuisances. Again, this is probably not developed on a conscious level. It is often retrospective.

Doctors must think deeply about their profession and be reminded that indeed we are all just a breath away from the grave. The doctor as well as the patients he treats with such condescension will all end up six feet under, sooner or later. Often, we are only reminded the hard way when affliction befalls either the doctor or his relatives. Then he goes around howling that he's a doctor and demands to be treated properly. He forgets very quickly that he meted out worse treatment to someone's wife, child or relative. The attitude is quite foul and rephrensible. I have worked with such vile characters in the past who totally lack compassion and often leave me wondering if truly intelligence is enough to qualify as a doctor. 

Another angle of public medical practice that worries me is the misconception of entitlement and narcissism. Doctors in the public sector constantly hold the government to ransom by downing tools and then demand to be paid for work they did not do. It is a disgusting trend that we need to sit and ponder on if we are as noble as we proclaim based on our profession. The question to be asked of these no-work-but-pay professionals is if such indulgence can be tolerated in the private sector. Can their colleagues who work in private hospitals even go on strike not to speak of going on strike and demanding the wages for the barren hours? Of course not! Like I said, my sojourn outside the hospital into the business world has exposed me to a totally different perspective on these things. Especially when you eat what you hunt as an entrepreneur or in corporate organisations where there are proper structures in place. In my opinion, taking gap years for corporate attachments in such firms may help doctors inculcate proper work ethics and a corporate culture that abhors passiveness and lousiness. 

Finally, I believe it is time to reorganise how hospitals run in Nigeria. Recently, I've had to visit an upscale hospital in Victoria Island frequently at the behest of my wife. Each time we take our son there, we are seen by medical officers who probably have less clinical experience than I do thus rendering the entire trip futile. As much as the whole exercise irks me, I play along because of what they say about hell's fury and a woman's scorn. This is the scenario in  many hospitals. Accident & Emergency units are manned by largely inexperienced doctors who often encounter patients at their most critical states. While it is important to get hands-on experience, it is also reasonable to ensure that this learning is guided and not to the detriment of patients. As it is in the public sector so it is in the private sector. It is simply unacceptable to have your weak foot in front when you ought to bring your A-game. The first-on-call should be adequately supervised by specialists/ traumatologists who are physically present during the calls and not a phone call away! It will cost more to have a sit-in A & E specialist but it will help so much. It will not only speed up the training the young doctors receive, it will also ensure they learn the proper things.

I recall an experience I had, circa 2008, manning the A & E of the hospital I started my housemanship in. Then, consults used to be addressed as 'PTOC, GTOC, MTOC or STOC' to stand for Paediatric-/Gynae-/Medical- or Surgical-Team-On-Call. Interestingly, during the call hours this 'team' on call usually comprised of just one house officer present in the hospital. He or she ran the department till morning and usually sought guidance via the telephone from more senior doctors if a case went awry. So, that night it was I and a smart UNTH-trained doctor called Victor Onyena. We were casually seated in the consulting room in the A & E of a top Army Reference hospital (the status of a teaching hospital) as not just the firsts-on-call but the onlys-on-call. A man was rushed in, he had been shot in the chest at a barracks around Ojo and he was referred to us, two neophytes, in the middle of the night. I had started sweating profusely and turned to Victor for reassurance. Victor looked confident! He was up in a flash and I was about to breath easy when he whispered to me 'Oboy, wetin we go do?'. My goodness! So, we got to work and toiled all night exchanging ideas on management of circulatory shock till we were able to refer the patient to a cardiothoracic surgeon. We were lucky. Another day, another time, the man would have died on our hands. But, luck is simply not good enough! We must institute a system where specialists are available around the clock to guide young doctors in training. We gain more overall in patient outcome and human capital development.

Nigerian hospitals are miles away from utopia I agree. But a good first step is to address the most basic things. The doctors manning these hospitals should be assessed on not just intelligence but also on their humanity and compassion. You need a healthy dose of such especially in a land like Nigeria. They need to develop the right attitude to work for the greater good of the society. They have to exorcise the 'Nigerian' in them. Our systems must also change. If we place a premium on the sanctity of human life then we should staff our most critical entry points with our best and only the best. The fledgling certainly have to receive training but this should not leave a trail of blood, sorrow and tears. 

Dear doctor, remember things can change very quickly. Today's doctor can be tomorrow's patient. Expect to be managed the same way you managed others on your worst day. Because even the good book admonishes us to love our neighbours as ourselves and to do unto others as we would want to be done to. 

Oro abo la nso fun omoluabi....

Memoirs Ilu-Oyinbo

Living in a new city can be daunting. Even for someone who spent a considerable part of his early adulthood in medical school in Port Harcourt, which at the time seemed as far from Lagos as Mars was from Earth. I didn't think it would be so hard to just get up and go given the nomadic nature of my tertiary education. I experienced many things those days. From sleeping seated upright overnight in a luxurious bus in a forest somewhere in Orlu, Imo State -because of armed highway bandits, to sleeping on Lagos-Ibadan Expressway because a group of Christians had gathered for monthly worship and fervent prayers. I had seen it all; or so I assumed anyway.

 Last year I had to leave my beloved Lagos to study in London and the culture shock I experienced was quite 'challenging'. Looking back now as my time here winds down, I could not resist sharing some of the things responsible for my seeming 'distress' in the Queen's land.

Well-groomed animals - This country messes with your psyche. Especially if you are originally from a land where there is perennial darkness, dysfunctional danfos and LASTMA goons hounding you on the road. When you are from a country where being human is hazardous, the grooming and attention given to animals in this country, dogs especially, will test your faith in God. The Bible says God made all the birds of the air and animals of the ground before he made man and then rested. The dichotomy between the two lands makes you wonder if truly Nigerians were not made during the night between the second and third day of creation.

They have beauty parlors for the dogs here. There's an organization called the RSPCA and every waking morning young men and women dress up and drive out to rescue dogs, cats and all such animals in distress. They have veterinary hospitals for these dogs that make General Hospitals in Lagos look like Agege abattoirs. There are even dedicated functional ambulances waiting to transport any such animal that may be distressed to other 'specialist' centers for more intensive care. If as a 'common' Nigerian who has experienced real suffering, you see all these and you do not occasionally find yourself practicing how to bark when you are alone in the bathroom then you're the kind of man who can fry dodo without putting a piece in your mouth till you finish frying. Your contentment has to be legendary!

The funny thing is they have several shows on prime-time British television where they are either looking for a home for a lost or abandoned dog or the are performing surgery on a sparrow that fractured its wing. Interestingly, during the commercial breaks, the first advert aired is one from Save-The-Children showing a marasmic African child and they beg you to 'text Child to 333 to donate £1 a month'. This is just after they had sedated a sparrow with anaesthetic gas o!I watched one sometime ago, it featured a troubled dog and to relax it, they invited a specialist in aromatherapy to use different scents to relax the canine as part of behavioral treatment. I know it's their money after all but maybe they should just not bother showing African children drinking water from murky streams in need of aid and REAL help. Based on the quality of life of animals here, a simple extrapolation shows clearly that the life expectancy of dogs greatly surpasses that of adult men in Africa.

They don't stop there. Every other week at bus-stops, these great people put up 'Have you seen my cat?' and 'Lost Puppy' signs with contact numbers. Orisirisi. My final project supervisor told of how Caucasian students dedicated their dissertations to their dogs and he had trouble understanding why (He's of African extraction originally by the way). We may never understand it but here, dogs are important. Two things will happen if you live here long enough. Either you become a dog lover yourself or you return home everyday asking God why you're not a tetraped.

Artificial Female Precocity - This I like to term the 'Young ''Old'' Schoolgirl' phenomenon. Adam Johnson, the English Sunderland FC footballer was recently charged for engaging in sexual relations with a minor - a 16-year old. Hold that thought. One morning, I was on my way to the town centre and a young white female was walking towards me. Tall with full and flowing blonde mane, all made up and hung a very expensive-looking leather bag on her arm. She had an iPhone in one hand while a stick of cigarette was nestled between the fingers of the other hand. I thought she looked pretty good even if it was a tad too early to be smoking but I was even more impressed when she walked past me. She wore a rather enchanting fragrance. I had walked a few yards further and had actually forgotten about this female till a group of three or four females walked past me again and then I noticed they all had on the same checked skirt as the first girl I passed. She couldn't be a student I thought. Impossible! 

Like play, more and more schoolgirls walked past. They were all enrolled in the local secondary school and that footpath was the usual route to get to school. My mind keeps going back to Adam Johnson. You see how the devil works? If I had guessed twenty times, 'student' would never have come to my mind if I had place what the first girl was. I'm sorry but I was used to secondary school girls wearing kito and cortina with a beret on their heads. Beneath the beret, usually their hair was plaited and they usually carried backpacks and not leather handbags! Make-up and perfume? In which secondary school in Lagos? Any young man who randomly chats up seemingly good-looking females on the road will go to jail very quickly in this country. Better ask for a birth certificate first before you collect number. E go be like film. Ask Adam Johnson.

Congenital Gluteal Agensis - I will put it simply for those who do not speak medical. It is 'lack of nyash'. You keep hearing you never really know what you have till you lose it. You don't need to even lose it totally, just take a break from it and you will appreciate it. Nigerian women are beautiful. Take it from me. In this land, 'bottom' as the British refer to it is quite rare. You sometimes wonder if there is a ritual where all British females must be dropped hard on their backsides on concrete floors at birth. You are not quite sure if the flatness is from those toast bread machines or from electric irons. It can be quite distressing for an African who is accustomed to posteriorly aggrandized females. 

Please do not misunderstand me. It is not an absolute finding as with every human population, there will always be outliers. The implication of this for me is that, if you are a black lady living here and a 'straight' white lady topples your government and snatches your black spouse or boyfriend, then you really need to check yourself. Either you have a really repugnant character or your man has an error of refraction like astigmatism where 'straight' lines appear blurry.

Smoking - I understand that one must not underestimate the capacity of the human mind to self-destruct but certainly never to the level I have seen in this land. Every day, they run campaigns all over shouting about the deleterious effects of smoking but these British folks are a different breed. Figures suggest that over 20% of people in London were active smokers as at 2013. Every corner, every minute, in front of every other building, you would find an adult lighting one up. With the level of exposure and access to information, one wonders if it simply isn't a case of an over-indulged populace with death-wishes. A white lady I met at work was telling me about her brother who she has to care for because he had lung cancer and while I was trying to encourage her to keep doing her best for him, she whipped out a cigarette from her pocket and swiftly lit it. My mouth dried instantly.

But I don't really blame the people here. The government tries to tax tobacco companies heavily and regulate marketing and packaging but I doubt this has had any significant effect in deterring anyone. Here, you can get seriously ill and there's good health care waiting unlike Nigeria where it is 'person wey get load go carry him thing'. Maybe that is what they need here. A system that locks you out of any social welfare once you have taken up the habit of smoking. I certainly won't miss the tremendous passive smoking they have exposed me to.

Home Training - Yesterday, I was on a street and I noticed a tall black man walking briskly on the opposite side of the road. Two young boys shuffled behind him just as quickly and I could tell he was their father. Behind him. This is a distinguishing feature when compared to white families where usually, the parent is shouting at the child who is far ahead of the pack. It may not seem like much to you but I picked that 'order' of things with the black man and his sons. You could tell they were well disciplined.

There's a particular bus I get one on some afternoons that is on a school route so many young kids get on also. Being kids, they are naturally loud and playful which I understand really. What baffles me is the frequency with which these very young children swear. The 'F' word rolls off their tongues just as easily as Nigerians say 'ehen'. I find it worrying because these kids from my estimation should probably be aged between 10 and 13. They are a tad ahead of themselves in my opinion.

Kalo kalo - The British people can bet! My goodness. It is a way of life for them apparently. They take bets on everything from the 'fight of the century' to the name of the new Princess of Cambridge. Alas, betting companies in this land are such sure ventures guaranteed to deliver sound returns on investment. Gambling, like smoking, is ingrained into the DNA of the British. Only a handful are born devoid of these vices and no amount of marketing regulation can stop them. 

So you see, I really hadn't seen everything. I suspect very strongly that I will still see much more before I eventually take my leave. They have many things here but they do not have cold Orijin with grilled Crocker fish and a live-band crooning Ebenezer Obey's timeless classics. 

Eko ile!

The Number Game

A few metres away from my parents' home is a 'house' built from zinc and polythene sheets with a small opening where you can purchase Indomie quickly if you suddenly run out of stock at home. This structure houses a Northern family and each time I walk over there, I am always enthralled by the striking resemblance between kids with very marginal difference in height. Till date, I am still not entirely sure how many children there are in this makeshift 'house' but as at my last count, there were probably about a dozen. Till date also, I have only seen one woman in this place and one look at her would immediately tell you without any doubt that she sired all those kids.
Mallam Sanusi Lamido Sanusi is now a household name in Nigeria. He is the charismatic and strikingly intelligent Emir of Kano and former Central Bank Governor. Having attended King's College Lagos and Ahmadu Bello University Zaria, 'SLS' has certainly earned his place as a guru on the subject of Nigerian Economics. In this very lovely picture (Photo Credit: Maigaskiya Photography) of his nuclear family, he is proudly surrounded by his wives and a dozen kids. As learned, cultured and travelled as the man is, he has twelve children! It's not about monarchy, be reminded that he only became Emir less than a year ago. 

The two families depicted above are two extremes that define Nigeria's demographics today. An uneducated petty trader living abjectly and a well-read financial maverick with a sizable fortune to his lineage. They may differ widely in net worth but their 'quivers' are not to be messed with. While Sanusi's three wives birthed a dozen kids as a team, my 'mallam' neighbour's one wife had singularly matched this output even with the highly improbable assumption that this is his only wife.

'Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Blessed is the man that hath his quiver full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in court' - Psalm 127 vs 3 - 5.

In the just concluded elections in Nigeria, many apologists of the outgoing government of Goodluck Jonathan adduce massive rigging in Northern Nigeria for their principal's poor showing at the polls. We watched the announcement of election results on live television as Rivers State delivered over 1.4 million votes for their 'son'. Shortly after that, Kano State posted 1.9 million votes and tongues wagged. I wondered to myself how this was even contestable given the sheer size of Kano and indeed the Northern States. We forget very quickly that even in 2011 when President Jonathan -with all the goodwill at the time- ran against Muhammadu Buhari, the latter still amassed a whooping 12 million votes across the land.

The truth is that we'll never be able to compete with the Northerners in this number game. Look at the two representative Northern families described above, in a few years time, these kids will attain the age of voting. Between two households, we have conservatively identified twenty four potential Northern votes. In the South-West, the trend is the inverse! Families are shrinking very quickly in size in these parts due to female empowerment, better girl child education, reproductive heath changes vis-a-vis family planning, harsher socioeconomic conditions and just simple social trends. It is no longer 'fashionable' to have a full quiver in these parts. You'd be looked upon as an aberrant of or deviant from the norm so we shut shop after two or three offspring. So averagely, two South-West households in a few years will present six voters against the modest twenty four already on ground in Northern Nigeria.

Except we decide to turn logic and mathematics on their heads like is routinely done in Nigerian Governor's Forum, twenty four will always be four times more than six. Now, picture this trend across a million households on either side of the divide! Yes, we simply can't compete.

I'm still not sure if this was a calculated design by way of foresight on the part of the forefathers of the North or if it is simple coincidence. Did they intentionally deny their people education and exposure to ensure they maximised the potentials of their gonads? Did they envision that one day, the numbers would count? You can't deny the almost palpable link between female empowerment/education and small family sizes. An educated and gainfully employed lady is more likely to have fewer kids within a relatively shorter obstetric career compared to her Northern illiterate counterpart, who stays home all day making Tuwo and starts child-bearing once her first period starts at thirteen and continues till menopause knocks. While this may not be ideal medically, it is what happens in reality and we must come to terms with it.

It doesn't help that the predominant religion in Northern Nigeria permits polygamy so a man can marry in multiples even with the finest education and exposure as Sanusi Lamido shows. It also doesn't help that the social and educational exposure in these parts seemingly confers higher costs of wooing. It is very unlikely, though not impossible, that a 'Mallam' will need to buy Peruvian hair and Christian Louboutins for a prospective spouse. She would probably be clad in hijab all day anyway or at least free flowing apparel that hides as much flesh as practicable so of what use is it to adorn all these luxurious elements. They simply cover the basics and old wives wholeheartedly welcome newer ones. A dandy Disney tale if you ask me.

You see, we cannot eat our cakes and have them. We will also lie on our beds however we have made them. There is a indeed a price for everything under the sun. We are more educated, we are more empowered financially and so on but our numbers will continue to dwindle and we will find that one day, elections, being entirely games of numbers, will be won even before the competition starts. It is just common sense! How do you frown at Kano that has over 4 million registered voters posting 1.9 million votes but you can rationalise Rivers State with just over 2 million registered voters posting 1.4 million? Does this agree with any remote form of logic?

Unfortunately, we can't 'unlearn' what we know now in the South-West. We will keep placing a premium on education to the highest levels for our children, male and female alike. The new Western movement that advocates that a woman must not be defined solely by her ability to bear children is also gradually taking firm roots. In the coming years, more educated women will decide to opt out of being yoked in marriages that may slow them down in maximising their intrinsic capabilities. Understandably, the literacy rate in the North is still years behind so the women there have not entirely latched on to the Chimamanda Adichie train of 'I am more than an uterus', so they are comfortable just bearing today's children and tomorrow's voters. How do we find a balance?

Please do not misunderstand me. This isn't misogyny. It is the reality we face and must face. I am an advocate of girl-child education also, even to the highest levels of educational achievement. We must however, take a step back and assess our position as a voting bloc since we cannot exactly opt out of this game of numbers called elections. If the trend continues, in a few decades, we will have an uneducated majority and a thin enlightened minority. When each class presents Presidential candidates, who do you think will win?

Dame Patience Jonathan made this assertion at one of the campaigns for her husband without fully understanding the gravity of what she posited. She said Southerners and her husband were not like the 'almajiris who dey born pikin wey dem no fit count'. Aha! You see now that some jokes do write themselves. The almajiris may not have been able to count but INEC could and did count these voters. The rest as they say is history. May 29 beckons.

As long as Northern Nigeria remains part of Nigeria, we won't match the numbers. This is probably why zoning as mentally-bankrupt as it is as a method, may be our only lifeline for competition. To persuade the North against fielding candidates based on some predetermined 'roster' so they can back other ethnicities till we are able to get education to every nook and cranny of Nigeria. This will take decades. Another alternative would have been for all the other geopolitical regions to form strategic alliances that can match these numbers. Unfortunately, ethnicity and religion will not allow us see beyond our noses so this remains unachievable. The distrust from 1970 still burns like flared gas in the Niger Delta creeks. 

The final option is to accept our fate. Maybe that's how providence designed it. After all, the Bible was clear in its advice to us about quivers. Again, sit back and think about it for a second before you label me a chauvinist. 

The numbers simply do not add up.... 

Think about it.

2015 -2019

Someone very close to me who is a direct victim of Nigeria's failures, who has been professionally stagnant for the last year and whose ultimate goal now is to escape the shores of the land has been vehemently opposed to voting for Buhari as President. To this person, he is not a Christian and since Christianity is the only acceptable religion, anything other than this must be rejected. The argument that one man will islamize Nigeria is one I find disappointing, especially when you hear it from close relatives who are educated. 

There are people in Nigeria, who would still vote for the current President even if they saw him with their own eyes doing 'number two' on their lawn at noon. They will rationalize even the most absurd and idiotic things. Why? Because, he is a Christian and because he is from a particular ethnic group. In my opinion, they are even worse and worse off than those who do it for monetary benefit. I have not come to address these ones. That will be akin to attempting to stop a goat from eating yam. 'Pikin wey go die, go die'. By all means, carry on.

Leadership is a bitter-sweet pill. It is as easy as it is as hard. About a week ago, a Tunisian museum was attacked by two terrorists who opened fire on mostly tourists and killed a few people. Later that day, I caught the Prime Minister on television, assuring his people that they were on top of the matter. A few days later, he sacked prominent security chiefs when investigations showed there were indeed lapses in security. Swift, precise and assertive action. No committees. No hearings. What this tells the world and the new security chiefs is that the government isn't joking. We will fire as required!

A few weeks ago on Facebook, I chastised Nigerian 'Christians' for the part they had played in the campaigns of calumny leading up to Saturday. I was disappointed that the current President appeared to be banking his ambition solely on divisiveness and not merit. I got a lot of stick for that. I was unhappy about the way churches were fingered everyday in bribe scandals and partisanship. I wondered why one man was allowed to take campaign to churches while the other man could not take his to mosques. What I got, was the feeling that Christians, Nigerian ones especially, had a delusion of grandeur about the supremacy of their creed. You got the vibe that they adamantly believed they were 'better' than any other and they had no apologies for this view. That is however, a matter for another day.

Since Buhari threw his hat in the ring for this election, I have heard nothing but a calculated attempt at assassinating his character. He was first too old to be President. Then, he was a fundamentalist whose ultimate plan was to institute Sharia Law in Nigeria. Then he became the sponsor of Boko Haram. Then he became an illiterate who scored F9 in Mathematics in precolonial Nigeria. Then he was sick and couldn't run around a stadium. Then he was admitted in a London Hospital. Then, he was surrounded by too many criminals and so was not worthy. Then he was an al-Qaeda sponsor or was it even the other way round. Now, he is a paedophile who married his current wife when she was 13 years old. Interesting isn't it? 

Many people say Buhari set our democracy backwards in 1983 after the Shagari coup. I beg to disagree. The real setback started in 1985. We all agree that corruption has beleaguered us since the days of our founding fathers. Under Shagari, nobody disputes that corruption assumed a new level of brazenness and 'anyhowness'. Morality had been thrown to dogs and we were on the brink. Buhari and Idiagbon understood the root cause of the problem and sincerely, maybe not popularly, tried to address it.

The root cause was the 'Nigerian mentality'. A mindset of doing things anyhow. They understood where the correction had to start from. So they forced us to queue like human beings were expected to do. They sanctioned hoarding traders and were crude in their war against indiscipline.  Perhaps, if this process had not been truncated, if civility had been ingrained into our DNA, maybe today, our anyhowness would not reached such epic proportions. 

We are at the brink yet again. We're looking up the barrel of a shotgun. The economy is stiff from rigor mortis and only awaits an official funeral. The hospitals and schools are thoroughly embalmed in the mortuary, they've been dead for a while. Unemployment thrives like a God-given natural resource and the unemployed present healthy fodder for mischief makers. The idle mind is the devil's workshop after all. Every day, you have figures hurled at you to force pseudo-progress down your throat while you still can't sleep without generators blaring.

This isn't the time for 'birthrights' my people. This is crunch time. We need to make pragmatic choices now. Sentiments have no place now. If you're not prejudiced and can engage in self-reflection then ask yourself truly how your life has fared in the last decade as a Nigerian. Answer sincerely.

How President Goodluck Jonathan himself isn't even voting for Buhari is what surprises me more. You would have thought it was a no-brainer. Yoruba ni 'iku jina s'orun' (sleep is very different from death). Let us stop, breath and start over. The excuse that saboteurs abound who constantly truncate progressive steps made by this government can't be acceptable any longer. A leader must know how to pick a functional team. Hire and fire weekly, if you must till you get it right. Excuses just can't cut it again where there are so many lives at stake.

I wish to implore you the weary and undecided voter. Not the reprobate apologist. You, who is worried that they are all the same after all. I agree with you. Maybe they are. Maybe they are not. The taste of the pudding is in the eating. You have munched on this 'kpomo' for six years and it still hasn't softened. Perhaps it is time to spit it out and try beef? Here and now is a chance for us to test the strength of our democracy by flushing out incompetence at any level and by any government. Does Buhari strike you like the type of man that will be a stooge to Bola Tinubu in office as they comically claim? Even Jonathan as innocuous as he looks defied Obasanjo after he came President and refused to be a stooge. Let us give Nigeria a lifeline at least.

Truth is whoever wins on Saturday has an arduous task ahead of him. The economy for one is in dire need of CPR. Buhari's frugality and discipline assures you that even if we are drinking garri, we would all be drinking it together. The sacrifice will be across board. It will not fall squarely on the poor  as it almost did in 2012 with fuel subsidy scam but you are sure we will cut waste which this government has promoted in the last 6 years. We will all tighten the belt!

I believe a lot of good can still come out of Nigeria. This is the reason why I am trying again at this eleventh hour to appeal to your good judgment and conscience. I am hoping I will strike the right nerve that will jolt you from your hypnosis and apathy. I am appealing to the centers in your brain that control reason and insight. Activate them! Think about it. The numbers do not simply add up and the next four years are crucial.

As a parting thought, with all you've read and seen in the news, imagine two scenarios. Each a Wednesday morning at Aso Rock Villa and the weekly Federal Executive Council meeting is on. Seated are Namadi Sambo, Femi Fani-Kayode, Gani Adams, Asari Dokubo, Doyin Okupe, Buruji Kashamu, Bode George, Diepreye Alamieyeseigha, Musuliu Obanikoro, Iyiola Omisore and James Ibori (as he would complete his sentence very soon).

The other scenario:Professor Yemi Osinbajo walks in with Buhari. He is flanked by Babatunde Fashola, Ben Akabueze, Bolaji Abdullahi, Oby Ezekwesilli, Donald Duke, Odein Ajumogobia, Kayode Fayemi, Pat Utomi, Charles Soludo and Sanusi Lamido Sanusi (if God answers my prayers and he can run the Finance Ministry as Emir). Close your eyes for a minute and imagine the content of such a discourse.

I urge you. Nothing but our best eleven should be on the field between now and 2019. If we miss it now, we may never get it right again, EVER!

Humpty Dumpty: Lee's Way.

I first heard of Lee Kuan Yew a few months ago as the campaigns in Nigeria kicked into gear. I had never heard of him before the jingle that compared President Jonathan to him. In that jingle, President Jonathan was also compared with Martin Luther King and Barack Obama and that immediately told me what type of leader Mr Yew was (and was not). It wasn't hard to deduce from the association.

I had never heard of him but I had heard of his country, Singapore. I had heard great things about the country but I never really tried to find out how the country evolved to become one of the most beautiful and prosperous nations in the world.

The Central Library at Imperial College London is a massive edifice. Six floors of wild and unfettered knowledge that will make you cringe especially if you were 'educated' at the University of Port Harcourt like me. My brother joked that at Imperial Library, the higher you went, the hotter you were. The folks on the last floor were supposedly in the realm of spirits in terms of their I.Q. My own simple explanation was that the proximity to God and Heaven, being the highest floor, probably accounted for their genius. So I thought it would be interesting to 'visit' those top floors.

The striking thing about the library, and the entire university as I would come to realise, is the number of Asian students enrolled there. Every where I turned I saw Asians. To me, anybody who looks like Jet Li or Jackie Chan is Chinese. Pardon my simple generalisation but I couldn't understand how anyone could differentiate given the striking resemblance. As I would later find out, a sizable number of the Asians in Imperial College are Singaporean. Many on scholarships from their Federal government and others from Singaporean-based companies like Singapore Airlines. The students are sent to London and other choice educational institutions around the world to learn and return promptly afterwards to their home country. 

Staying back after the degree doesn't cross their minds. It was never even an option. Their country has more millionaires per capita than any country in the world. They are not trying to get post-study visa or any of the schemes my countrymen seek to remain in the United Kingdom. At home, life expectancy in 2014 was 81 years for men and 87 years for women. At home, unemployment rate in 2012 was 2%. If na you too, you no go go house?

The next time I heard about Singapore was during a lecture some months ago. Interestingly, the same lecturer mentioned Nigeria when he was discussing 'potential'. As a matter of fact, he mentioned Nigeria over and over when he spoke of market opportunities. He attributed Singapore's success to the quality of the civil service there. The best brains worked for the civil service and their remuneration rivaled the biggest multinationals to ensure talent-retention was optimal. If you were smart and not working in the civil service then it was certainly not because you were looking for better pay. Alas, you get to appreciate why the country has state-of-the-art infrastructure and strong economic policies. Tax rates are low, good security and a well-run social welfare system for the elderly. Again you understand the reason for the high life expectancy. If na you nko? You go gree die?

I have taken time to describe this country because earlier today, she lost probably the most important man in her history. Lee Kwan Yew. His exploits are glaring for all to see and I can imagine the sadness that must have engulfed the land. He is testament to the extent of what one man with a vision can achieve. To build your country up from literally nothing to one that is now reckoned with globally. Sheikh Mohammed Al Maktoum also proves this in the United Arab Emirates. A man who knows where he is going doesn't talk. He acts.

He died today at Singapore General Hospital. Not some fancy hospital abroad. Of course, this would not have been possible if he had not addressed his country's healthcare system. Nelson Mandela died in South Africa also. As I suspect the King of Dubai will, whenever his God calls him. These leaders believe strongly that whatever is good enough for the average citizen should suffice for them also. Service.


Singapore didn't get to where she is today without some harshness from Lee Kwan Yew. You can't chew gum in public in the country. He was deemed too autocratic in some quarters but it didn't deter him because he understood how the human mind works. You won't achieve any semblance of order and progress by 'anyhowness'. Sometimes, you need some caning like Mr Yew did his citizens to get some sense into people's heads. 

In 2007, when people complained about his style of leadership, his response was ''You know, the cure for all this talk is really a good dose of incompetent government. You get that alternative and you'll never put Singapore together again: Humpty Dumpty cannot be put together again...my asset values will disappear, my apartments will be worth a fraction of what they were, my ministers' jobs will be in peril, their security will be at risk and their women will become maids in other people's countries, foreign workers. I cannot have that!''

If you're sighing and shaking your head, I assume his response strikes close home in your mind. It sounds all too familiar. Successive incompetent governments and we're on our way to restoring status quo in a few days time. He was a visionary. He saw Nigeria through the eyes of Singapore. Perhaps, Humpty Dumpty will actually never be put together again.


The lesson is clear for all of us to see. We can keep trying to explain who qualifies to be a goat and why the yam is free game. We can also decide to start whipping goats till they are allergic to yams. The choice is ours.


A true legend has passed on. His countrymen will never forget him. His story will be told to generations. They'll study him to understand living a life of purpose. A life of service. 

Those who compared President Jonathan to him have quite a sense of humor though. You have to give them that.

Sun re o Lee Kwan Yew (16/09/1923 - 23/03/2015).

We here can only dream of men like you....

Son, When It's Time To Marry...

'A man's first office is his bedroom. His wife is his first adviser. If she gives foolish counsel, he is finished' - Anonymous.

Hold that thought. I want to tell you a story of three women. Toss the quote around in your mind and take a few minutes to watch this, this and this. 

I recently had a son and sometimes I catch myself smiling when the thought of him 'toasting' girls comes to my mind. Yes, I know it's still many years from now but I like to imagine myself at his age as he attains developmental milestones. About two or three decades from now, if Christ tarries, he would introduce a young lady to me as the 'one'. Life.

I didn't get a lot of relationship advice from my father so I consider myself very lucky. Lucky because, if not for providence, I could have gotten it remarkably wrong but I still managed to strike gold. Eledumare, in His infinite wisdom and kindness, set me straight by first showing me that every coin has a head and a tail and you won't really appreciate 'heads' till you've tasted tails. Dear Son, this one is for you.

There are three women in the three videos above. Two First Ladies and an aspiring one. Three influential women, whether you agree or not. Obviously, for reasons beyond our control, there isn't any real basis of comparison between one and the other two besides the fact that they are all espoused to active politicians. Michelle Obama. Patience Jonathan. Aisha Buhari.

Again, there's a popular saying, that if you want to know the caliber of man, take a look at his wife. I like to modify that a bit by insisting you listen to his wife rather than just look because of the The Bible's warning in the book of Proverbs. 'Even a fool when he holdeth his peace is counted wise and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding'. Engage your wife by all means. Listen to her.

Mrs Obama towers above the other two women on the basis of diction and maybe over just one on the basis of looks. I found that I became teary at some point for no logical reason while I listened to Mrs Obama. Maybe because I saw many other people in the video crying or maybe because watching and listening to her made me realise just how far behind we are in my own country. She said 'Being President does not change a man, it reveals who you really are'. Oro nla!

This is President Obama's Chief-Adviser.

I don't like to discuss Mrs Jonathan. I believe Nigeria owes her an apology, after all, she is only a product of a decrepit system. Over time,our educational system has continued to rot away and now, we have a system where when you're even lucky enough to pass through school, school might refuse to pass through you. A cesspool of untrainable and unemployable school-leavers who have been failed by an even more fungating government. We have been unfair to Mrs Jonathan really.

While I believe Nigeria should take the blame for the quality of education she received and that which many kids in the country are currently receiving, the publicity she gives herself cannot be blamed on Nigeria. That is entirely her fault. The ridicule would probably not be as bad if she wasn't this garrulous. There is nothing wrong in avoiding public speaking. You are not obliged to address people at gatherings! If you believe it is insulting to visit and possibly enroll in finishing schools where etiquette and poise are learned then simply send a representative to stand in for you if you must deliver an address. The more scary thing is that she was a teacher for many years! Again, a symptom of a wasted educational sector.

The last woman isn't a fantastic public speaker also. Her diction isn't without its flaws but she appears calmer and better composed. She comes across like someone who can settle down to think and therefore more likely to give worthy counsel. Maybe she's not half the politician Mrs Jonathan is but you can tell she's more cultured and civil in her speech. Her brain still seems like it hasn't lost its connection to her mouth. It is my honest opinion that she's probably not cut out for stuff like this but was compelled to enter the fray after we started hassling her husband to prove he was married to a woman to disprove our suspicion that he was Lucifer. She seems like she would rather be in a kitchen somewhere preparing Tuwo Shinkafa.

Dear Son, your wife has the power to make or break you. Ask the greatest men alive and they would tell you the roles their wives played in their lives. Bill Clinton has Hilary. Bill Gates has Melinda. Your grandfather has your grandmother. Likewise, some who have fallen have their wives beside them. Laurent Gbagbo has Simone. Engage her by all means. Listen to her speak.

Hilary Clinton would probably be running for the highest office in America in 2016. I also think Michelle Obama has the swagger and carriage to one day lead her country. They have a lot of depth and are certainly more than just their looks. The question is, can Bill leave the Presidency to his wife to run? Does Mrs Obama have the 'feel' of a leader and can Barack, take a sabbatical leave with her at the wheels? I believe very strongly that the answer is yes. So Son, marry a woman who you can leave with your work and sleep calmly with your eyes closed. Marry a woman with couth who can represent you effortlessly in any gathering. After all, the two of you have become one. Abi no be so?

Son, imagine the nature of the conversations Barack has with Michelle and Bill with Hilary. Imagine the television shows they watch and the books they read. They obviously don't watch Patience Ozokwor hunting her daughter-in-law with juju while eating boiled corn and groundnut. They probably engage in remarkably intellectual discourse. You can only have that if your wife is at your level of intellect or even higher. Your wife must challenge you intellectually and professionally. That is the only way you will keep cerebrating and aiming to be the best version of yourself. Your wife must not be  only good for 'oya cook Afang and Periwinkle' or 'oya, lie down'. No! Never! 

Remember, this is the person who would probably have the strongest influence on your kids. Also note that there are unproven assertions that kids acquire 80% of their intelligence from their mothers and the rest from their fathers. While this has not been backed by scientific data, science however agrees that brainy sons owe their intelligence to their mothers. So, it is no longer for your sake now but for the sake of your children. Give them a chance. Engage her by all means. Listen to her speak!

Do not take it with levity. There are many things in life that money cannot correct. Once it goes awry, it has gone awry. Even with Nigeria's entire treasury at her disposal, Nigerians are still not spared the embarrassment that usually trail Mrs Jonathan's public outings. We can buy her the rarest diamonds and the most precious rubies but her tongue has 'formed' like concrete. It is akin to attempting to straighten dry and bent crayfish. We are only reaping what we had planted many years ago by our continued 'anyhowness'. 

A very good friend of mine insists President Jonathan can never convince him he is a good leader simply because of his prime follower and deputy. He believes a man who cannot call his wife to order cannot understand leadership. To him, something has gone wrong with the respect structure there and followers often refuse to be led by people who they do not respect. Some may argue this view is a tad misogynistic. Others, like me, may be inclined to agree given the unguarded and outrightly inelegant statements Mrs Jonathan has been credited with in the last few weeks.

So, how does your wife challenge you?

Chei!

Let's Play Ostriches Mr President!

Many years ago, I was taught by a charismatic and enigmatic Paediatrics Professor called Kanu Nkanginieme and he used to say 'History has shown that man fails to learn from history'. Looking back now, the man was a strongly-principled visionary who had assumed deity status in the mind and psyche of medical students. He was quite right. We never really learn from history so we allow it repeat itself. Over and over again.

I finally watched a very popular documentary about the history of Nigeria last week. The two part series (watch here) attempts to expound on Nigeria's journey since our independence till date, tossed from one regime to the other. I think it is critical for every Nigerian to watch it just to have an inkling of where we have come from to enable some clarity about happenings in today's Nigeria, some fifty years after. If Professor Nkanginieme is right, which I believe strongly he is, this knowledge of our very dark past will not deter us on our seemingly determined direction into an even darker future. 

For those who still confer President Jonathan with the attribute of being clueless, I truly have pity for you. You are the reason Agege bread loaves are getting smaller and DSTV subscription fees are getting higher. Hitherto, I used to think this misconception about the President's character was because things were not easily discernible and so the President succeeded in fooling people. From the rhetorics of shoeless childhoods to the promise of fresh air, albeit an already freely-given gift from God. But lately, things have become much clearer and you do not need to be a deep-thinker to decipher the machinations of Goodluck Jonathan.

If by now, you also still believe that this election, if it eventually holds (and this is a big IF), will be violence-free then again I have pity for you. We need to be pragmatic now and not bury our heads in sand like ostriches and pray and fast against an inferno when we are playing with matchsticks in petrol tank farms. It just can't add up. Yesterday, Lagos was shut down by a campaign activity in support of President Jonathan. In attendance were OPC members and a youth wing of the PDP and they tried to sell Mr President's reelection by sharing fliers while wielding axes, machetes and broken bottles. Motorists were held hostage as the campaigners who also demanded the sack of INEC's Professor Attahiru Jega went ahead to vandalize opposition campaign billboards.

Interestingly, these acts of lawlessness went on in the presence of Nigerian soldiers and policemen. A number of prominent Nollywood actors were also part of this show of shame. At some point yesterday a picture of Mr Reuben Abati, a supposed intellectual, standing behind Gani Adams, the leader of the OPC, at a press conference surfaced. The same Gani Adams, who led yesterday's campaign in the city of Lagos. A glorified tout who now commands police and military escort and leads campaigns with Nollywood actors behind him. Amazing, isn't it?

Many people will say I'm being hyperbolic and as usual being precocious in heaping the blame on the President. For me, it is a classic case of 'aje ke loru, omo ku laro...t'alo pa omoje' (a witch cries at midnight and the baby dies at dawn and we wonder who is responsible for the baby's death). It is not news that Mr Jonathan has been visiting Lagos often in the past few weeks lobbying and advertising his good works in government. He is in Lagos every other week, either kneeling for endorsements or prayers and you wonder who is then steering the vehicle called Nigeria if the driver is this distracted. I suspect very strongly that yesterday's show of shame and madness is one of the many fallouts of President Jonathan's visits to Lagos. In the coming days, I suspect we will see more of it.

President Jonathan cannot tell any right-thinking person he was not aware of what happened yesterday in Lagos! It is impossible. It defies logic! You mean there are military men just sitting around and looking for PDP campaigners to drive around with in the midst of a war with insurgents in the North-East? You mean policemen were just strolling around town and encountered a potentially dangerous gathering of young people with knives and bottles and just decided to drive along? If you believe all this happened without the knowledge of Goodluck Jonathan then you must be a landlord in fool's paradise. It is not enough to tell me that there are people acting without the President's knowledge so you can't blame him. That is imbecilic talk.

Some weeks ago, some television stations including the national one, the NTA, aired documentaries of calumny against the opposition candidate. It was sponsored by TAN, one of the many support organizations that have sprung up since Mr President declared his intention to run for a second term. Mr President exonerated himself by saying he didn't even know the people who paid for and produced these dirty jingles. But he heard and saw them! Did he ask the Director-Generals of BON and NTA to explain how such filth got on our airways? No! He just said the usual 'I don't know' and people bought it. A good leader ought to lead by example. Words are words. Words without action are empty.

Also, Asari Dokubo keeps saying there will be war if President Jonathan  loses the election in 2015. Again, Mr President does not lift a finger but says on a media chat on live national television when asked about the militant's threat that it's not just Asari that has been threatening violence. That both sides have been doing so. Incredible! And the man will come and reassure you that he will not sacrifice the blood of one Nigerian on the altar of ambition and you actually believe this man? Why? Because he comes to camp to fellowship every month or because he is a practicing Anglican? Mr Asari Dokubo, thanks to Nigeria, is now a billionaire and when you threaten to take his source of livelihood, he will bark. President Jonathan knows this obviously. Can he charge Mr Dokubo for threatening Nigeria's sovereignty or even freeze his ill-gotten assets? Of course he can. He is the PRESIDENT! But what you get is Mr Dokubo making cameo appearances at events hosted by the President and new 'pipeline-protection' contracts worth millions of dollars.

Last week, the President renewed the contracts of these militants and has now included Gani Adams and Fred Fasheun in the new payroll. You can now understand why Gani Adams jumped out yesterday to, in my opinion, celebrate his arrival on the scene of the national cake. For a scientific person, President Jonathan's actions defy logic and this is the more reason I pity those who think he is clueless and doesn't know what he's doing.Surely, no man born of a woman is that stupid! Now, we have enriched touts and bandits with national contracts and we've empowered them to recruit more from an infinite pool of unemployed young people. The disbursement of mobilization fees at a time so close to the elections is timely as they will be able to procure choice arms and ammunition. On the other hand, we have politicized our military and starved them of funds for training and equipment. We have a Navy but we give militants our waterways and pipelines to man, YET, crude oil theft has not abated. 

If you are a clear-thinking person, then by now, you should have the big picture in your mind's eye. President Jonathan is preparing the ground for chaos and anarchy and I do not see anywhere else to place the blame. He is surreptitiously assembling an army of mercenaries to prosecute this plot and the signs are quite clear for all to see. Someone rightly pointed out a few years ago that with the amounts of money missing from Nigeria's coffers, he was worried about what exactly the Presidency was preparing for in 2015. We still have not accounted for those figures under this President. 

I once watched a movie starring Edward Norton and Robert De Niro. The former played the role of a professional con artist who showed up at work everyday, perfectly pretending to be a mentally challenged janitor while plotting heists. This is who President Jonathan reminds me of. Someone who is fully aware of what he is doing and pitches his 'softness' and seemingly calm mien to deceive people into actually believing he is entirely innocuous and isn't capable of wrong-doing. It is a well-thought and calculated ruse which unfortunately sits easily with Nigerians, being a shallow and easily-distracted bunch. 

Alas, Robert Nesta 'Bob' Marley said many years ago. 'You can fool some people sometimes, but you can't fool ALL the people ALL the time'. Some like Feyi Fawenhimi, Don Jazzy and a handful of other people I know have now realized they were conned in 2011 by assuming 'he wasn't one of them'. You can't blame them, everybody loves a fairytale. 

The 'I don't know' line from Mr Jonathan shouldn't hold water any longer. If unexplained sums of money hit my bank account every other day, my explanation cannot be 'I don't know'. It becomes my duty to go out of my way to know and have a tenable excuse. I find the President's habit of playing ostrich when things happen for his benefit rather insulting and despicable. And a tad cowardly also.

Those of you who defend idiocy in the name of ethinic and religious jingoism, I hope you have valid travel documents and travel plans. The man, and his friends who have enslaved you, have fueled aircraft and accommodation outside the country. Their offspring are camped in choice apartments abroad furnished tastefully with your taxes and commonwealth. At the drop of a hat, they'll disappear. When shit hits the fan, maybe not all of us will be splattered after all. Stay here and be pointing out ghost trains as dividends of democracy when serious countries are plotting how to travel from New York to London in one hour at speeds five times the sound barrier. They are plotting how to print 3D images of the heart to be used in transplants and you are here glorifying idiocy. Nobody ever wins a war. Ask Sierra Leone, Syria, Sudan, Somalia and Liberia. Read up the 1967 Civil War here in Nigeria. Long after the bullets stop, the agony remains palpable!

Befittingly, I will use Kanu Nkanginieme's words to close with a word of advice to the President. Laurent Gbagbo. Charles Taylor. Uhuru Kenyatta. Man never learns from history and history NEVER forgets. You can be President for three decades but one day....

One day!

The Week In Review

*Whoever assumes office in May as Nigeria's next President has a lot of work to do. That is a given. Forget about all the dandy campaign promises to either consolidate or change. The economy is in shambles due to forces now beyond Nigeria's immediate control vis-a-vis the sustained global fall in oil prices. One commendable thing about this government, in my opinion, is the dexterity which which the magnitude of the problem has been downplayed so far. The average Nigerian is totally oblivious of the dark days the country will soon face. I know this for a fact from the public discourses that have trailed the two major contestants. The nature of the issues people base their arguments for and against the candidates shows you how simple-minded and shallow Nigerians can be. 

This aside, any Nigerian President who wishes to lead Nigeria and isn't entirely sure just how much work he has on his hands should pay attention now. If you do not understand just arduous the task that faces the next resident of Aso Rock is, please visit Punch Newspapers online. Strange? Relax, I'll explain. 

When you find the newspaper online, click on any random story that is remotely about Nigeria and don't bother reading the content under the headline. Just scroll down to the bottom of the page and read the following comments section. It is at this point that you get a feel of just how deep Nigeria's problems are. Comments made by everyday Nigerians.

There was a headline some weeks ago about bird flu in some states like Kano, Ogun and some others I cannot immediately recall now. To my utmost surprise, a totally random story like this ended up with comments about how APC was better than PDP and how God was punishing APC State Governors with bird flu for their many transgressions. I was totally befuddled. How on Earth did bird flu connect to Kwankwanso and Jonathan I wondered. 

The distrust in the land at the moment is probably at an unprecedented level. Nigerians are so mind-screwed and emotionally damaged that they find a way to eventually connect the most remote headline in the news to politics and it is utterly absurd. You can have a headline that reads 'Mickey Mouse and Minny Mouse move next door to Daffy Duck in Disneyland' and the comments will be...

'SaiGMB2015 - just the way the man from otuoke will move out of aso rock #SaiBuhari'

'ForwardNigeria2019 - you're a big fool! he's not going anywhere till 2019'

'SaiGMB2015- your mother is a big fool. idiot'

'kenetheboy - useless president. see his wife talking anyhow'

And the tirades keep pouring in till you can't read anymore. You begin to wonder why Mickey Mouse just didn't remain where it was jeje.

It hasn't really helped that those in charge of the campaign for both parties act in the most jejune manner and keep bickering like schoolgirls fighting over Barbie dolls. Another day, another idiotic accusation and an even more idiotic rejoinder. I listened to Olisah Metuh and Lai Mohammed, the spokespersons of the two main parties, yesterday and I was deeply ashamed. When you throw in Femi Fani-Kayode into that mix, it becomes clear why 'ordinary' Nigerians think and make online newspaper comments the way they do. 

Nigeria's next President is going to have a lot of bridges to build and with the many other  issues he has to attend to i.e. social infrastructure, security and the economy, I would advise him to quickly murder sleep before he resumes office. Nigeria is lean on trust at the moment. Every action and utterance is perceived to have an undertone and nerves are on the edge all across the land. We are going to need more than national conferences to address it. 

Please do not ask me how. I wish I had the answer.

Take A Bow...Or Not!

My favorite word this year has to be 'anyhowness' coined by Professor Pius Adesanmi. For those who have not been fortunate enough to read any of the Canadian-Nigerian Professor's articles, I commiserate sincerely with you. The man's mind is nothing short of brilliant and one day, I hope I am able to write that well. I do agree that occasionally, it is quite difficult to find words to describe the absurdities Nigeria and Nigerians present so neologism isn't entirely out of place. According to him, nothing typifies brazen moral bankruptcy like the Nigerian state and it is a reputation we have now become renowned for globally. We just do things anyhow.

I was saddened today when I read about Senator Musuliu Obanikoro's confirmation as a Honorable Minister by the Nigerian Parliament. It wasn't just his questionable character, especially with the Ekiti rigging allegation, that made me pained by today's legislative accident. Where in the world are things done the way we do them in Nigeria I wondered. How does a man show up for screening for a job and we simply ask him to 'take a bow' and walk away and declare him fit to hold a portfolio overseeing national matters? Have you ever gone for a job interview in any company where they simply asked you to take a bow and walk away? Except you're Professor Wole Soyinka and the advertised vacancy is one of an Editor at a publishing firm then I simply can't proffer any explanation for such meaninglessness. 

Fundamentally, I think it is faulty reasoning to send generic ministerial nominees for screening in the first place. For every nominee, send the prospective portfolio he or she will be handling with a detailed job description. This allows the National Assembly undertake a focused and constructive interview of the individual. This way, you do not assign a farmer to a Ministry of Health and a plumber to the Ministry of Defence. How do you assign portfolios after the individual has been screened? What was he interviewed for exactly? It just does not make any sense. So, you go for an interview first before you know what post you even applied for in the first place. Anyhowness.

Some weeks ago, I stumbled on the British MPs questioning the Prime Minister in Parliament. I shuddered! It made me wonder who we offended in Nigeria and what we did to deserve the bunch that call themselves Senators and House of Representatives in Abuja. Ta lo n se wa? (Who is 'doing' us?) I saw MPs who KNEW their constituencies. MPs who questioned David Cameron about grassroots issues concerning ordinary citizens miles away from the capital. They were calling names of small families in the towns and counties! I was reminded of the importance of paying attention to those who take up legislative roles in Nigeria. We focus too much on the Executive and I think this has allowed many imbeciles slip through the net to become 'Honorables'. While the Executive deserve all the heat they get, Nigerians must hold legislators equally accountable. What are the constituency allowances used for? Do you even know the person who 'represents' you?

I was driving through Isolo some weeks ago and I saw an APC election poster that made me smile. It had the face of a young man I met some years ago and he was running for legislative office. His only 'experience' is that his father is a stalwart of the party in Lagos State. Nothing else. Anyhowness. 

At every level, we need to apply some common sense. It is not good enough to ask prospective employees to simply take a bow and leave and give them appointments. Will we do the same as business owners and managers for our personal businesses? If not, why do we believe that is good enough for a business as big as governance? When you get it wrong at this level, how do you then reprimand a non-delivering Minister? What deliverables will be used in appraising these individuals? They are going to be making decisions that affect 170 million people. The least we can do is to at least ensure they are fit for the positions. But it is Mr President that sent them so they bow and go. Anyhowness.

I believe strongly that Mr President has not led by example. There's a popular saying that when fish rots, it starts from the head. Mr President must first shake off the cloak of anyhowness for others to follow. By merely and precociously dismissing the allegation against Senator Obanikoro in Ekiti, he belittled and insulted the intelligence of Nigerians. He spat in their open wounds and looked away when the rights of the people he was elected to lead were trampled on by reprobate elements. By refusing to as much as investigate the authenticity of the tape and then nominating a principal actor in the saga for such a sensitive position, he reminded Nigerians that his 'I don't give a damn' stand has not changed. Those that think people attack Mr President unduly need to appreciate that the continued anyhowness cannot be justified and accepted. At some point, the cup will fill up and overflow.

I know it didn't start under Mr President. That does not however mean it should continue under him. That again is faulty reasoning. That will not solve any of the myriad ailments inflicting Nigeria. Mr President must begin to seek out the best brains to head his Ministries. Round pegs in round holes Sir. Insist that the Senate scrutinize your appointees thoroughly till they are certain they can deliver on the roles they have been nominated for. Curb the anyhowess by first nominating individuals based on merit, track record and technical expertise on the subject and not as compensation for losing party gubernatorial primaries. Ask each nominee to submit a well detailed compendium of the current problems faced by the sector he/she would be working in and an even more extensive road map of how they intend to address these issues. Please and please, stop asking them to take bows and leave.

Imagine if the military recruited that way. No physical fitness tests. No criminal record checks. Just take a bow and you become an army officer.

Anyhowness.