Remembering Access Bank In This Season Of Open Letters

This was originally meant to be an e-mail to the top hierarchy at Access Bank that would have 'leaked' since this is the season of leaked reports and open letters in Nigeria. However, as at press time, I have still not been able to lay my hands on the e-mail addresses of Mr. Herbert Wigwe and his coven of vampires. Allah be praised.

I have always known I would never become a banker. I was one of those kids who never quite knew what they would become but always knew what they wouldn't. Reason? It was simple. I couldn't understand Mathematics to save my own life. As if regular Arithmetic was not bad enough, a Guidance Counselor,who I now consider very inept, thought taking Further Mathematics as an elective in SS1 was a good idea. Oh! What a sad sight it was to behold. That unfortunate stint in Further Mathematics scarred me permanently. So bad was it that I still wake up from nightmares sweating profusely and muttering 'dy-dx'. 

Pardon my flight of thought.

I recently met and had a chat with a charming young lady with the brains of Einstein and the beauty of Aphrodite. Unfortunately, fate dealt her an upper cut and she somehow landed in Access Bank. I doubt life has remained the same since she resumed there in 2012. Before she could complete her appointment process, the very gracious management of Access Bank asked her to source for deposits to the tune of N1m. I was bewildered. She didn’t even have an identity card yet and she had ‘target’ already. Omen of things to come you would say. When you have been in the labour market for sometime, you'll be tempted to call a cow 'Uncle' because you crave beef. She was posted to a unit I thought was fair since it was not a core 'marketing' role. Oh, how wrong I was. Little did I know that even the rats that nocturnally infested Access Bank store-rooms had targets.

What started as a small mole has now become a ravenous metastasis. The young lady painstakingly expounded her travails in the hands of the management of Access Bank Nigeria. She recounted how her boss on one fateful evening asked each team member not to show up at work the next day if they didn't have N1m each. I was tickled. Now those targets have soared to N30m per week! Osanobua!!! Dear Herbert Wigwe, if these young ladies had half of that figure, do you seriously believe they would wake up at 5a.m every morning to come and work for you? Where on Earth is a young lady expected to source for such funds righteously? The functional word here is 'righteously'.

This same bank flew Miss Mariah Carey into the country just a few months ago for a purported N200m! The word on the street is that she happened to be one of their retiring CEO's favorite artistes and so, the bank thought it was befitting to fritter away some money for a performance that couldn't have lasted more than an hour, even if Ms Carey was stoned on a truckload of Ecstasy. He who the gods want to kill, they first make mad...

This 25-year old lady got an offer of appointment that stated work hours of 8am to 5pm Mondays to Fridays. At the time, it seemed like it was typed in simple English. Sitting here now, I am watching her try to recall a day she left the office before 9pm. She claims there are even days they finished meetings at 2am and some ‘God-fearing’ husbands came to pick their wives at that time of the night. These are women who leave their homes before dawn to conquer Lagos traffic. These are women whose kids now wonder if their mothers work for the SSS or CIA as they literally sneak in and out like thieves in the night. Is your mummy Zorro?

What probably miffed me the most was an utterance from one of the despicable fellows who 'supervises' her. A male director who probably has brains the size of his testicles, openly said he didn't get how 'all these young females' will not be meeting their targets. In case you were born yesterday or you were dropped at birth by your midwife and developed cerebral palsy, he was subtly wondering how they had not resorted to promiscuity to achieve their targets. In simple English, if you still do not understand, he is asking them to become corporate prostitutes for the bank. Shikena! You have 'meat' and there are 'wolves' in the jungle. Your master needs wolf-skin so he dangles your 'meat' as bait. Logical, isn't it? For him and his ilk, I wish them what they wish other people's daughters. What a man sows, that shall he reap...

Why can't she just resign you may ask? After all, it is not by force. In Access Bank, you do not have such luxury, your first two years are bonded in their ironclad grip. You are made to sign a two year-N2m bond. How this works is that, if you decide to leave before the end of two years, you are compelled to pay this devilish bank N2m. So, walking away isn't even a choice. You have gotten into bed with the devil himself and till he's done raping you, there's no redemption anywhere, well except death does you part before the bond expires. Gracious, isn't it? Interestingly, Access Bank is the only bank in Nigeria that offers this 'incentive'. Remember what I said before about desperation, beef and the cow named Uncle?

I want to admonish everyone. You see, I am a strong proponent of young people developing healthy work ethics. You must however be careful not to allow a job grossly subsume you. Give your best, not your all. Knowing the difference is wisdom. Giving your all does not necessarily translate to giving your best. The catch is, you will not work forever and at some point, sooner or later, you will have to stop working, either voluntarily or by compulsion. You must learn to live a little! Your office was standing before you came and they will continue after you. The job will not and I say that with the highest level of confidence, pause for a minute or a tenth of a minute in the event of your departure. Life will go on! Access Bank won't even fly their flags across their branches at half mast for anyone in their rank and file. When they ask you to go and bring targets that their great grandfathers never saw till they died, tell them you have heard and ensure you get a good night rest. Suffering a nervous breakdown and clinical depression for another man's work simply isn't worth it. Your whole life will pass you by and you will burn out early. My take is learn what you need to and develop yourself knowing the next phase of your life waits.

Finally I think the management staff of Access Bank should be profusely ashamed of themselves. Many of them are deacons, ‘workers’ and heavy tithers in the House of God. Yet, they have continued to cause pain and sorrow in the lives of young people all in the name of career paths. They have institutionalized modern and corporate slavery simply because they have the power to put F- on an appraisal form. Who made you god? Who says you won’t spend all the money you believe you have amassed on weekly dialysis if fate decides? Who says you will be here on the top floor of the head office tomorrow simply because you are there today? Who gave you the right to push other people’s daughters into prostitution simply because you want a hug annual bonus? You now bond the ones who do not want to be a part of your communion of infamy? How dare you?

Those of you who have set ludicrous targets for them so that you can bring Kim Kardashian to Lagos simply because her picture is the last thing Mr Wigwe looks at before he sleeps at night will surely run down. All those who have suggested that they exchange their bodies for deposits will develop the worst form of cerebral malaria and spondylolisthesis. Don't worry, I won't wish you death but a lot of pain because you are wicked and wickedness should beget wickedness. I hope all your kids are female and they are given such targets too even if it's Gala and Fanyogo they are selling. Worms!

P.S...

Happy New Year to you all. I haven't typed this much since June last year. The 'principalities and powers in high places' attacked my hardware. Awon ota aje! But God pass them and I am here again. LOL.

It's a New Year. Albeit late, I must still wish you the very best of 2014. 

In 2014,I'm planing to read more and write more. We won't do the six-month hiatus this year(can someone say Amen?). I'm also going to tone down on my political ramblings. 

First because I'm personally tired of talking about Nigeria and I'm beginning to ask God for my Moses that will 'part the Red Sea'. Red Sea is any variable between the Consular Officers at Walter Carrington Victoria Island to the UK Border Agency Officers at Heathrow Airport London.

Second and more importantly, my loving parents have urged me to. I agree that they have a point. 2015 won't be for children. Let  me face my shed jeje.