Uncle London's Nephew: Home Is Where The Heart Is

I believe I first watched Mr Okpegwa Benson's story sometime last year. It was arguably one of the most hilarious clips I had ever watched. While I was thoroughly tickled by the story, it also made me reflect on just how bad things had become for us as Nigerians.

Take a minute, ten actually, to see for yourself before I proceed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tMEUzguVzg

I hope you didn't rupture your diaphragm? Benson is a Nigerian. We can't deny him. He lives and breathes Nigeria and inside us all, there is a small Benson. Why do I say so? It's simple. Benson was just doing whatever it took to have a fighting chance. Demeaning some may think but to others, it's simply doing the needful. Imagine just how many Bensons we have on our streets at the moment.

Benson was asked whose passport he was carrying and he claimed a 'good Samaritan' gave him the passport. The officer even asked if good Samaritans now forged passports and he said 'In Lagos'. Sometimes I don't envy those UKBA officers, I can only imagine what they have heard from Nigerians at Heathrow. Solely because of Benson, I have now become addicted to the UK Border Force videos on Youtube. You'll see 'orisirisi'.

Another disturbing thing for me was how Benson passed through our Immigration authorities at Murtala Mohammed International Airport in Lagos. Note that I said 'disturbing' and not 'surprising'. If you've been to MMIA, it shouldn't surprise you. The Customs and Immigration officers are too busy extorting travelers that they have forgotten their primary purpose of resuming at work everyday. You can almost carry a giraffe across if you have rubbed the proper palms at MMIA and this is what disturbs me. Our corruption has eaten so deep that we cannot even account for who comes in and who goes out any longer. Once you have co-operated when they brazenly ask you 'anything for us?', you are good to go.

Back to my friend Benson. So Benson claimed he was 15 years old at the time he was stopped. As ridiculous as that assertion was, it was the singular reason they did not toss his behind back to Oshodi immediately. He first said he was born in 1993 and that he entered secondary school in 1990 before he realized it didn't add up. Even Steve Jobs was at least born first before he started going to school. Benson The Genius! Starting school in-utero could not have been easy. You could almost pick a smirk on the officer's face after Benson stated his age if you looked closely. I like to imagine the officer's thought process at that moment in Yoruba. 'Abi iru kini leleyi leni bayi' i.e. abi which kain thing be this today!

I think the British officers were totally charming. The lady even asked him to come into a room where he could have a drink and some food. Amazing! They were willing to make sure he was comfortable all through the process. I think we intentionally copy the wrong things from the West. Here, we see properly trained courteous officers respecting humanity and the sanctity of human life. We will not copy that one. It is how Nicki Minaj wears handkerchiefs that we will see and copy and quickly say 'shebi it's my body'. I trust awon temi ni Murtala! Food and water kini? Bawo? Instead, they'll wait till you collapse then scour your pockets for currency. Like they say 'there's no paadi for jungle'. Interestingly, we are more religious than these Caucasians. They don't do monthly conventions or vigils like we do. Neither are their streets littered with churches like ours. Yet, they display a genuine affection for humanity. We need to do some insightful soul-searching in this part of the world.

The level of desperation displayed by Benson shows you just how bad Nigeria can get. He is quick to kneel to beg the officers on two occasions. That is a man who has nothing else to lose. When a grown man kneels to beg you, know he has reached a point where his self-esteem and self-worth are totally negligible to him. Men are naturally egoistic. He even had a toothbrush on him to corroborate his story that he was on the run! This is what Nigeria can do to a man's psyche. We then demand to be treated with respect when we visit these cities. Our society has damaged our self-worth and driven people like Benson to accept being 'less' than the Caucasians he knelt for. Do you seriously believe an Emirati will get this desperate and kneel? When he could turn around and simply return home where his government respects him so he has uninterrupted power, portable water and a decent job?

I really appreciated the manner in which the officers addressed Benson even when it was obvious his claims were ludicrous at best. The way she asked who Uncle London was, the way she refuted his age claims, the way she asked him about how he felt about an imminent deportation and the possibility of seeking asylum in the UK. Everything reeked of professionalism and thorough courtesy! If she didn't care the slightest about his state of mind then she did a fantastic job pretending to. The lady was lucky Benson wasn't me. I would have charmed her. We'll end up in the airport chapel in front of a priest with plastic wedding bands. Shebi na to enter London!

Benson absconded eventually. The compulsion to stick to guidelines by the British worked in his favour. He had come that far anyway. Would have been sore to get to Heathrow and not enter London. That's like getting to the pump after queuing for fuel for 2 days and the attendant says fuel has finished. Fuel queue in Lagos of course, not London, just so you do not get me wrong.

Dear Uncle London, I hope you are reading this. 'Wole Okulate does not want a sewn visa page. You see, I think he doesn't particularly like that green colour. I'm just guessing sha but I believe 'Wole will take even a red or grey passport, maybe even blue. 'Wole won't claim to be 15 years old. He will not claim to be in Idi-iroko Grammar School, the whole world knows he is a civil servant. If you'll like to help 'Wole, call him on 08037165217. I believe his number has not changed.

Did anyone pick the striking facial resemblance between Benson and 'Wole though?