Goldie, Talent & Stardom

Nigeria should be one of the few places on Earth where stardom can be attained by doing the silliest of things.


I believe the first time I heard of Goldie was around 2009. What struck me initially was the way she reminded me of the WWF wrestler Gold-dust. Its just not their affinity for the  Gold colour and dark hue around their eyes but also their -  what I perceive as- queer behavior.


Oluwabimpe 'Goldie' Harvey claims she is an accomplished songwriter, performer and singer. Oluwagoldie also describes her career a resounding success. As motivators like Fela Durotoye will remind us, success should be defined by an individual's personal terms. What that means is that, even though Goldie perceives herself a colossal success, some other folks might beg to disagree. Therefore, I will excuse Goldie's delusion of grandeur.


I like Oluwagoldie's background educationally. From Greensprings to St John's Lagos to University of Sunderland, the Ekiti-born crooner certainly had above-average education. This is one of the reasons I believe there must be some iota of common sense somewhere in her. Goldie however, amuses me. 


In what seemed like a desperate bid to carve a niche for herself, Oluwagoldie has lamely tried to emulate Lady Gaga. Not just in appearance but also in style of music. Goldie will unsuccessfully argue that what we see is simply a young artiste trying to express herself. She will say she is simply being herself and not trying to copy anybody. She will say 'Lady Gaga is Lady Gaga and Goldie is Goldie'. Rubbish!

More painful is Goldie's immutable and unmistakable lack of talent. Goldie cannot sing. Simple. She can claim to have started 'singing' from some Church choir as even Terry G does, I don't care. She has a regular voice, like every other female at puberty. She is currently signed to Kennis Music where she only competes with the shrilling Essence, the nasalizing Jaywon and the constipated Eedris Abdulkareem. No disrespect to Oluwagoldie but vocally, I strongly doubt she will ever match the likes of Tiwa Savage, Omawunmi, Lara George, Waje or even the fledgling Chidinma.


Many Nigerians only knew Goldie remotely till her foray into the Big Brother show some weeks ago. The mess was cosmic and Goldie failed woefully under the scrutiny of Nigerians. Week in, week out, folks agitated for her expulsion from the house and when it eventually came about two weeks ago, Twitter and BlackBerry went haywire. Finally! She was out! I'll not remind anyone of some of the unwholesome words used to describe her following the eviction.


Goldie was never going to be a serious contender for Miss Nigeria, judging by face value. I always knew that her hopeless reliance on make-up could not carry her for so long. Another thing Nigerians -especially guys- noticed by Goldie's misadventure in South Africa was the extreme unattractiveness of her face to the visual organs. This of course is simply for the need to use politically correct terms. Goldie gives Kemistry hope of a brighter tomorrow.


I'm not one of Big Brother Africa's fans but the noise Goldie generated on social media was interesting. She notably went to the house and fell in love with some mean-looking dude. Then she portrayed the image of a needy woman who was not self-assured. Some folks insist she was only playing the game. I choose to think otherwise. I have listened to the lyrics of her songs. I have watched her music videos. Goldie has a very severe form of identity crisis. She's not quite sure who she is or who she wants to be and that is what bothers me. 


Albeit, its unsolicited advice, I want to implore Goldie to cut the crap. It is not too late to start something meaningful. First thing is to lose the blonde hair and the eerily long eyelashes. She should return home, dust her certificate and start hounding Jobberman.com. Music is not really her calling. Maybe she can manage artistes or manage a record label. She probably will flirt with a clothing line sometime soon. She'll be misled into thinking her twisted taste in apparel is a fashion statement which she should commercialize. Goldie, you don't have friends o! Don't let them deceive you. They just want to laugh at you. Nobody will wear those clothes. Ask Charley Boy and Eucharia Anunobi or better still, your very dear friend Denrele Edun. 


Goldie Harvey is a star, whether I like it or not. She's making money from her brand and that is the most important thing. 


But finally, I must beg her. For the sake of her unborn kids. She must avoid procreating with Prezzo like a plague. She must flee without looking back. It will be a national calamity to cross-breed those two. I'll suggest Uti or Van Vicker. Bad as e bad sef, Timaya. The most important thing is to dilute the force of her charming face.


She should also avoid Aro or the left side of Yaba. Her outlandish display of colours is a documented symptom of Schizophrenia and I worry they might be reluctant to let her go if she visits.


Let us wait and see what direction Oluwagoldie's career sails in the coming years.




Follow 'Wole @drwalls28 on Twitter.