The Week In Review

*Whoever assumes office in May as Nigeria's next President has a lot of work to do. That is a given. Forget about all the dandy campaign promises to either consolidate or change. The economy is in shambles due to forces now beyond Nigeria's immediate control vis-a-vis the sustained global fall in oil prices. One commendable thing about this government, in my opinion, is the dexterity which which the magnitude of the problem has been downplayed so far. The average Nigerian is totally oblivious of the dark days the country will soon face. I know this for a fact from the public discourses that have trailed the two major contestants. The nature of the issues people base their arguments for and against the candidates shows you how simple-minded and shallow Nigerians can be. 

This aside, any Nigerian President who wishes to lead Nigeria and isn't entirely sure just how much work he has on his hands should pay attention now. If you do not understand just arduous the task that faces the next resident of Aso Rock is, please visit Punch Newspapers online. Strange? Relax, I'll explain. 

When you find the newspaper online, click on any random story that is remotely about Nigeria and don't bother reading the content under the headline. Just scroll down to the bottom of the page and read the following comments section. It is at this point that you get a feel of just how deep Nigeria's problems are. Comments made by everyday Nigerians.

There was a headline some weeks ago about bird flu in some states like Kano, Ogun and some others I cannot immediately recall now. To my utmost surprise, a totally random story like this ended up with comments about how APC was better than PDP and how God was punishing APC State Governors with bird flu for their many transgressions. I was totally befuddled. How on Earth did bird flu connect to Kwankwanso and Jonathan I wondered. 

The distrust in the land at the moment is probably at an unprecedented level. Nigerians are so mind-screwed and emotionally damaged that they find a way to eventually connect the most remote headline in the news to politics and it is utterly absurd. You can have a headline that reads 'Mickey Mouse and Minny Mouse move next door to Daffy Duck in Disneyland' and the comments will be...

'SaiGMB2015 - just the way the man from otuoke will move out of aso rock #SaiBuhari'

'ForwardNigeria2019 - you're a big fool! he's not going anywhere till 2019'

'SaiGMB2015- your mother is a big fool. idiot'

'kenetheboy - useless president. see his wife talking anyhow'

And the tirades keep pouring in till you can't read anymore. You begin to wonder why Mickey Mouse just didn't remain where it was jeje.

It hasn't really helped that those in charge of the campaign for both parties act in the most jejune manner and keep bickering like schoolgirls fighting over Barbie dolls. Another day, another idiotic accusation and an even more idiotic rejoinder. I listened to Olisah Metuh and Lai Mohammed, the spokespersons of the two main parties, yesterday and I was deeply ashamed. When you throw in Femi Fani-Kayode into that mix, it becomes clear why 'ordinary' Nigerians think and make online newspaper comments the way they do. 

Nigeria's next President is going to have a lot of bridges to build and with the many other  issues he has to attend to i.e. social infrastructure, security and the economy, I would advise him to quickly murder sleep before he resumes office. Nigeria is lean on trust at the moment. Every action and utterance is perceived to have an undertone and nerves are on the edge all across the land. We are going to need more than national conferences to address it. 

Please do not ask me how. I wish I had the answer.

Take A Bow...Or Not!

My favorite word this year has to be 'anyhowness' coined by Professor Pius Adesanmi. For those who have not been fortunate enough to read any of the Canadian-Nigerian Professor's articles, I commiserate sincerely with you. The man's mind is nothing short of brilliant and one day, I hope I am able to write that well. I do agree that occasionally, it is quite difficult to find words to describe the absurdities Nigeria and Nigerians present so neologism isn't entirely out of place. According to him, nothing typifies brazen moral bankruptcy like the Nigerian state and it is a reputation we have now become renowned for globally. We just do things anyhow.

I was saddened today when I read about Senator Musuliu Obanikoro's confirmation as a Honorable Minister by the Nigerian Parliament. It wasn't just his questionable character, especially with the Ekiti rigging allegation, that made me pained by today's legislative accident. Where in the world are things done the way we do them in Nigeria I wondered. How does a man show up for screening for a job and we simply ask him to 'take a bow' and walk away and declare him fit to hold a portfolio overseeing national matters? Have you ever gone for a job interview in any company where they simply asked you to take a bow and walk away? Except you're Professor Wole Soyinka and the advertised vacancy is one of an Editor at a publishing firm then I simply can't proffer any explanation for such meaninglessness. 

Fundamentally, I think it is faulty reasoning to send generic ministerial nominees for screening in the first place. For every nominee, send the prospective portfolio he or she will be handling with a detailed job description. This allows the National Assembly undertake a focused and constructive interview of the individual. This way, you do not assign a farmer to a Ministry of Health and a plumber to the Ministry of Defence. How do you assign portfolios after the individual has been screened? What was he interviewed for exactly? It just does not make any sense. So, you go for an interview first before you know what post you even applied for in the first place. Anyhowness.

Some weeks ago, I stumbled on the British MPs questioning the Prime Minister in Parliament. I shuddered! It made me wonder who we offended in Nigeria and what we did to deserve the bunch that call themselves Senators and House of Representatives in Abuja. Ta lo n se wa? (Who is 'doing' us?) I saw MPs who KNEW their constituencies. MPs who questioned David Cameron about grassroots issues concerning ordinary citizens miles away from the capital. They were calling names of small families in the towns and counties! I was reminded of the importance of paying attention to those who take up legislative roles in Nigeria. We focus too much on the Executive and I think this has allowed many imbeciles slip through the net to become 'Honorables'. While the Executive deserve all the heat they get, Nigerians must hold legislators equally accountable. What are the constituency allowances used for? Do you even know the person who 'represents' you?

I was driving through Isolo some weeks ago and I saw an APC election poster that made me smile. It had the face of a young man I met some years ago and he was running for legislative office. His only 'experience' is that his father is a stalwart of the party in Lagos State. Nothing else. Anyhowness. 

At every level, we need to apply some common sense. It is not good enough to ask prospective employees to simply take a bow and leave and give them appointments. Will we do the same as business owners and managers for our personal businesses? If not, why do we believe that is good enough for a business as big as governance? When you get it wrong at this level, how do you then reprimand a non-delivering Minister? What deliverables will be used in appraising these individuals? They are going to be making decisions that affect 170 million people. The least we can do is to at least ensure they are fit for the positions. But it is Mr President that sent them so they bow and go. Anyhowness.

I believe strongly that Mr President has not led by example. There's a popular saying that when fish rots, it starts from the head. Mr President must first shake off the cloak of anyhowness for others to follow. By merely and precociously dismissing the allegation against Senator Obanikoro in Ekiti, he belittled and insulted the intelligence of Nigerians. He spat in their open wounds and looked away when the rights of the people he was elected to lead were trampled on by reprobate elements. By refusing to as much as investigate the authenticity of the tape and then nominating a principal actor in the saga for such a sensitive position, he reminded Nigerians that his 'I don't give a damn' stand has not changed. Those that think people attack Mr President unduly need to appreciate that the continued anyhowness cannot be justified and accepted. At some point, the cup will fill up and overflow.

I know it didn't start under Mr President. That does not however mean it should continue under him. That again is faulty reasoning. That will not solve any of the myriad ailments inflicting Nigeria. Mr President must begin to seek out the best brains to head his Ministries. Round pegs in round holes Sir. Insist that the Senate scrutinize your appointees thoroughly till they are certain they can deliver on the roles they have been nominated for. Curb the anyhowess by first nominating individuals based on merit, track record and technical expertise on the subject and not as compensation for losing party gubernatorial primaries. Ask each nominee to submit a well detailed compendium of the current problems faced by the sector he/she would be working in and an even more extensive road map of how they intend to address these issues. Please and please, stop asking them to take bows and leave.

Imagine if the military recruited that way. No physical fitness tests. No criminal record checks. Just take a bow and you become an army officer.

Anyhowness.

J.K: Omoluabi Eko

Before you start reading, please take a few minutes to watch this video

A few days ago, I penned my thoughts about the peculiarity of picking political bedmates in Nigeria. I wrote here about how it was usually a case of means and ends by citing Nuhu Ribadu, Jimi Agbaje and Muhammadu Buhari as references. Since then, as typical of Nigerian politics, a lot has happened and this includes President Jonathan's rendezvous with young people in Lagos. During this event, Mr Agbaje addressed attendees and naturally tried to garner votes for the visiting President. He said many silly things like asking people to vote for President Jonathan because he was better looking than Buhari. It was a show of shame no doubt but each time I listen to Mr Agbaje when he's not in the company of the Abuja brigade, I get confused. I find it very difficult to reconcile the Jimi Agbaje in this video with the one who dances and sings songs of idiocy on stage with the President during campaigns. I have a strong feeling that Mr Agbaje goes home on those days and hates what and who he sees in the mirror. He probably detests the man he is forced to be on the altar of ambition. He probably has many hats and picks each based on who is visiting Lagos for his campaign. He probably curses under his breath each time he has to surrender his intelligence to fan the flame of his ambition. Thus, he speaks like he is also in KG-2 when he is in the midst of adults at that level of mentation. It must hurt very much.

I still think Mr Agbaje is a better candidate despite last week's public dance of shame. This is an opinion I had even before I saw the video you watched at the start of this post. It was an opinion I developed the minute I listened to a debate between him and Mr Akin Ambode. No doubt, Mr Ambode is an intelligent man and a seasoned Accountant but with all due respect to him, each time I listen to him speak, he sounds bland and uninspiring. He is not an assertive person, at least he does not sound like one and he honestly comes across like someone who isn't entirely prepared to lead Lagos. A job you would, of course, agree isn't really one of the easiest around and certainly not one for the timid. Mr Agbaje, on the other hand, sounds like a leader. Like a man who you'd revere in a place of work and is more likely to galvanize people around him to deliver on their tasks. He has an aura of command and leadership around him. If you listen to him objectively, I am sure you'd agree he seems more likely to hold his own in a room of intellectuals. I dare say, that he probably would have been picked ahead of his main opponent were he an APC member and were the decision solely Mr Babatunde Fashola's. But, we know this is not the case; he is a PDP member and it was Jagaban of Borgu's call.

This campaign video gave me goosebumps. It is quite distinct from the nonsense that persistently insult our senses and sensibilities via radio, television and newspapers. Here was a man, appealing to the humanity in any reasonable person by telling you HIS OWN life story. He wasn't telling us how Ambode is originally not a Lagosian or how APC is bad or who worships Obatala or Sango. He focused entirely on the Jimi Agbaje brand and I found it wholly refreshing that campaigns could still be done with such civility and courteousness. After watching 'political appendages', according to Professor Wole Soyinka, refer to other people as being brain-dead (an assertion which I found hilariously ironical), I was excited by the content of JK's video. You see why I can't reconcile this with the JK that accompanies President Jonathan? I'm more inclined to see it like a dog that occasionally gets infested by fleas. When the fleas are away, the dog doesn't itch in public. The dog, however, isn't so lucky when the fleas pounce.

This should serve as a lesson to President Jonathan and his media handlers. This video was done by a PDP candidate so we know it is possible to make cultured campaign videos and documentaries. Another salient lesson that must not be missed in the video is the self-focus. When you want to sell a product, tell people why your brand is good and possibly better. You cannot tell me to keep using a product because the alternative is bad. It's akin to asking a terminally ill man to pick between cancer, which he already has and a heart attack. He knows the cancer is going to kill him anyway but he's not quite sure about the alternative and is wondering why he shouldn't take a chance with it. What you should be telling him is the chance of a cure and how he may have time to make/cross a bucket-list and possibly find peace before his demise. You can't keep harping on about how a heart attack is bad! The question is about Goodluck Jonathan, the answer CANNOT contain Buhari, except it is now Mr Jonathan's middle name. That immediately tells me you're not a serious person.

The President's camp recently released a documentary solely to advertise Bola Tinubu's sharp practices. The video is supposed to intimate us on how those who advocate change are themselves thieves. Again, I was left underwhelmed. If the Presidency had solid evidence to prove Bola Tinubu misappropriated funds, why not prosecute him? Instead of making propaganda videos to score cheap political points, why not show the world you have the will and chutzpah to fight corrupt past office holders. Send him to jail and make an example out of him! That, in my opinion, earns you greater respect home and abroad as long as the evidence is incontestable and he is found guilty in a competent court of law to rule out political witch-hunting. You are the government in power! If you have evidence to establish an open and shut case against the man, what are you waiting for? Or is it just to justify the fact that your linen is soiled also?

Unfortunately for Mr Agbaje, I still don't think he has enough to defeat the APC candidate. I fear the political machinery of Asiwaju Tinubu may just be too powerful for him to fight and win even with Abuja's backing. My advice to him, however, is that he doesn't need to belittle the achievements of the outgoing administration to make his campaign points. Acknowledge where the government has done well and emphasize that you believe more can be done. Whether he likes it or not, many people appreciate the small achievements of Mr Fashola's government and will consider attempts at running these down as petty and laughable. Besides, he is not contesting against Mr Fashola now; his opponent, like him is a gubernatorial greenhorn. Expound additional developmental plans you have to the electorate while you remind them of your accomplishments in the private sector as an employer of labour and an astute businessman. Address  and engage the middle-class and the indigent electorate directly. Explain to them that you understand the perception that the outgoing administration seemed elitist and tell them how you wish to develop better infrastructure to cater to them besides gardens that made for good pre-wedding photography in Lagos.

I pity men like Jimi Agbaje though. Very much so. To hold hands and fellowship with men like Olisa Metuh, Doyin Okupe, Ayodele Fayose and Femi Fani-Kayode can't be easy. He probably sobs in the solitude of his private chambers that history will never forget the era his name was mentioned in the same sentence with such characters. But you see, that is the game and this is what such esteemed professionals may have to endure to achieve certain goals. 

I wish Mr Agbaje well in all his endeavors including the upcoming elections. I hope to see many more 'omoluabi' campaign videos like this one. It exuded class and poise. It clearly depicts the Jimi Agbaje many intelligent people I know (my mother included) hold in high esteem. Certainly not the alter ego that appears anytime he has to share the stage with President Jonathan!

Pastors, Politicians & Actors: Nigeria's Aro Meta

It is no longer news that Nigeria is quite ill. Depending on where you stand, how hungry you are and where you come from, the severity of this illness may differ. Be that as it may, I believe we are all pretty much in unison about Nigeria's state of health. Things are just not well. I agree that this illness is quite protracted. We've faltered and fallen like a new foal since the British left us in 1960. Every given Sunday, we shock mankind with new and unprecedented levels of 'anyhowness'. We consistently disprove evolutionists who posit that disorderliness was only peculiar to our distant relatives, the homo habilis and erectus. We have sacrificed common sense and the sanctity of human life at the altar of 'bellenomics'. 

There's a concept in Yoruba culture called 'Aro Meta'. A triad of deities frequently appeased by traditionalists. Quite simply, it is to the African traditional worshippers what the Holy Trinity is to Christians. But unlike the latter that basically thrives on praise and thanksgiving, 'Aro Meta' will usually take sacrifices like goats, fowls and kola and will often hold subjects ransom till their voracious appetites are satiated. The Yoruba people also use the term, Aro Meta, colloquially to refer to three inseparable entities. This is therefore why I find the concept of Aro Meta particularly similar and applicable to Nigeria of today. Religion (and pastors), Nollywood (and actors) and government (and politicians) have conspired to keep Nigerians bereft of common sense since 1960. And in my opinion, this remains the root cause of many of our problems.

The role politicians have played in this continued mental slavery is quite clear. It does not need a lot of exposition. Make education a luxury that only a few can access and afford. When it is accessible, starve the sector of any meaningful funding and development so those that do access it are not really 'educated' but schooled. These schooled, and understandably, unemployable young people will fall into the rat race of jobs that do not exist and remain poor. As poverty thrives unfettered in the land, carry on with graft and during elections, address stomach infrastructure to remain in power. Repeat the cycle and the continuum of madness prevails. Simple!

The two other elements of the Aro Meta play more surreptitious roles in my conspiracy theory. They are such a well-orchestrated and oiled machinery that they are not glaring to the non-discerning eye because while the politicians mess with your stomach, these ones rape you at a higher and deeper level. They deftly mess with your mind and emotions so that at a psychological level, you are thoroughly mind-screwed. An emotionally damaged populace is ideal game for preying politicians so you see why the illness that afflicts Nigeria is chronic and possibly terminal.

I can't stand Nollywood. Let's get that out of the way first. I am still working on scientific research to prove my hypothesis that Nollywood art has negative feedback effect on Intelligence Quotient and is a leading cause of mental retardation in Nigeria. When I have verifiable data to support that assertion, I will ensure you get a copy. Nollywood churns out flicks everyday which if you watch long enough, make you believe life's problems are 'sent' from a wicked stepmother or a disgruntled relative in the village. The plots are usually around a poor village girl who the handsome Prince, who is already betrothed to another Chief's nasty daughter, falls madly in love with. Eventually, the solutions to many of these plots is that a Prophet 'sees' the evil hand and after steadfast prayer the spirit leaves the afflicted, usually in the form of two red tablets or an arrow, and returns to sender who subsequently becomes mad. When you watch this long enough, you stop processing with your mental faculties and start ascribing powers to imagined villains. You stop trying to 'cerebrally' find solutions to problems and quickly run to the third arm of the Aro. You don't have power, you are broke, your kids/siblings are unemployed, your roads are bad, your hospitals are virtual and the anyhowness is at proportional levels but you have Nollywood so you consume more and more of the inanity. 

These election campaigns have been intriguing. Recently, Dame Patience Jonathan hosted Nollywood actors at Aso Rock. I'm told it was a fine night of wining and dining. Every day, I see endorsements pour in from Nollywood for the incumbent government. A government that has presided over a careful economic and human decimation of ordinary Nigerians, who ironically, are the core market target of Nollywood films. So, you spend money you don't have to watch these movies and enrich these actors on one hand and then on the other hand, they endorse the same government that has annihilated your earning power? Nigeria has such rich history that if Nollywood was retelling the stories of our heroes past, many young people will understand and appreciate where we have come from. They can tell us the story of Murtala Mohammed and his sound leadership but that won't sell since Genevive and Ramsey Noah won't kiss in such a movie. They can tell us the story of Ahmadu Bello and his elegance and class as a Nigerian but that won't sell either since Mama Ozokwor won't use witchcraft to hound her hapless daughter-in-law there. They can tell us Biafra's story and the Civil war so we appreciate the value of peace and unity but that won't sell either, where will RMD and Omotola fall in love in that kind of film? So, they give us 'Blackberry Babes' and 'Beyonce vs Rihanna' instead. It is this total oblivion of our history that makes it easy for AIT and NTA to tell their own twisted and libelous versions of our history and mess with the brains of young people. They weren't taught in school and their 'education' did not emphasize reading so they didn't do that either.

The last Aro is religion. Why is China a superpower and we are not even though we pray more than they do? We have population also. We are the most populous black country after all. We have churches on almost every street in Lagos. We fast for 21 days, 40 days, 60 days and 90 days. We bring Lagos to a standstill every month when we gather to make supplications to God all night long. China doesn't do this and yet, they are eon years ahead in development. Why? Why should life expectancy in a less-praying and less-religious nation be higher than ours? Is it that we are so close to God that He calls us home earlier than the rest of the world? Is it because we are the 'light of the world' that we never have power? Is this the darkness we are told of in John 1 vs 5? That we will shine and the darkness (and GENCOs and DISCOs) comprehended us not? Why is our society backwards? President Jonathan has been a frequent visitor to churches recently. He has taken the transformation message to the Christians and has gone to subtly remind them that he is 'one of them'. A fellow believer. He has gone to subtly warn Christians not to be 'unequally yoked' with the sons of Ishmael. Churches that should ideally stand up for the oppressed in the society have become political dance halls for inept and desperate politicians. He comes to fellowship with us and we don't ask him why Alamieyeseigha, a documented criminal who skipped bail in London, is now running for Senate. We don't ask why Chief Bode George is now handpicking political office-holders after returning from jail for corruption. We don't ask why Buruji Kashamu is running the show in the South-West for PDP. We don't ask because Mr President is a believer like us. Until our Men of God revert to their original roles like in the days of 'thus saith the Lord', Nigeria will remain terminally ill. Days when kings feared prophets and couldn't buy them. Days of old when prophets quickly reprimanded erring kings and stood up for what was good and decent. Now, the fattest lambs and the honey of the Earth are reserved for our prophets, after all, they are God's mouth piece and should not 'lack'. 

I may have hit on a nerve. If I have, that is the exact reason why Nigeria's illness is probably terminal. In your mind, I have mocked your religion and I have touched 'the anointed' and done harm to the 'prophet'. We declare every new year, the year of Nigeria's liberation. 'God will help us' we keep saying. And the Aro passes us around like a football. They gang-rape our minds till we are numb to our realities and become full blown zombies who have surrendered every capacity to think and shake off our idiocy.

Like Professor Pius Adesanmi observed, maybe this is our reality and normalcy after all. '...maybe because some countries are just not meant to be good'. If not, how does one explain having such a potent trinity, all in the same country?

Arik Air & I

While I have my reservations for a lot of things the Yoruba culture stands for, I have nothing but unreserved admiration for its adages. Maybe it is the charmingly euphemistic manner with which these adages deliver clear and weighty messages.  A popular one is 'Iku yato si orun' which means there is a clear difference between sleep and death.

I was reminded of this adage as I disembarked from the Virgin Atlantic aircraft I flew in yesterday from Lagos. My shameless phobia for air travel is no longer news but yesterday, I had an epiphany. After yesterday's flight, I am undoubtedly convinced that the only difference between Arik Air and the BRT bus that plies Apapa-Oshodi Expressway is the colour and shape of the 'vehicles' in question. Add a tail and a wing on either side of a red BRT bus and you have Arik!I'm exaggerating abi?

Many of my friends who fly frequently between Lagos and London always wondered why I patronized Arik so faithfully. I was not even sure myself. I just knew my mother liked them so I presumed they had cheap fares but as I would find out later, they had the best baggage allowance at 30kilos per bag. Before 2013, the last time I took a long-haul flight was in 2004 and somehow I seem not to have any recollection of those experiences. So, you see Arik became the gold standard of my flying adult life. I probably still haven't fully recovered from the trauma I suffered from flying in Arik planes in the last year or so. 

My decision to fly differently this time was one based on self-advice and sober reflection. As I flew into Lagos in January, with my heart in my mouth as usual for 6hours, I did some soul searching and asked myself some cogent questions. Knowing what I did about Nigeria and Nigerians, would I entrust them with my money? No! Would I entrust them with my health? No! Would I entrust them with anything valuable? No! So why then was I repeatedly entrusting them with my life, which was supposedly the most precious thing I had at the time? Immediately, I made a resolution never to fly Arik again. I had pushed my luck and tested fate long enough. Even if it meant flying to Canberra in Australia first before connecting to London, Arik would no longer feature in my life's story. I just don't trust my countrymen. Especially in these days of Naira free-fall against the Dollar. You can't put it past Nigerians to resort to adulterated aviation fuel to cut costs. That's what a tiny voice in my mind keeps whispering to me anyway. 

I had never been on a Virgin flight before yesterday and the experience blew my mind. First the cabin crew smiled and looked like they truly enjoyed their job. It was a far cry from my regular, often frustrated looking Arik crew who always seemed like they were perennially on their periods. On one of such flights in October, a cabin attendant asked me to pull up the blind and I asked why since there seemed to be too much sunlight coming in. To my amazement, his response was 'the window must be up so if the wing is on fire you will be able to alert us'. Information Management 101. What better way to calm the frayed nerves of a very anxious passenger. I was expecting a simple 'Sir, it's just standard procedure during take-off and landing'. Of course, my eyes didn't leave the wing of that plane till we were safely on the ground.

The last time I ate rice on a plane, the outcome was not so pleasant. Arik had taught me a salient lesson. At 35,000 feet with dodgy lavatories, bread should be the meal of choice. Yesterday, I ate rice. I even added salad and yogurt to the mix and my bowel has remained normoactive. The in-flight entertainment screen worked (unlike some occasions on Arik's brand new planes) and I ended up watching three movies before we touched down. I almost did not even remember I was flying if not for occasional dips planes have in the air. There always seemed to be something to nibble on aboard the flight. Chocolate, sandwiches, candy...even plantain chips! It seemed like they were bent on belittling Arik by every standard known to mankind. Understandably, I was stuffed when the English pilot, who sounded so casual and playful, announced our descent into our destination. 

Since we typically ran Nigerian Airways, Air Nigeria and Nigerian Eagle aground, Arik is a befitting national carrier. It represents all we stand for and the lousiness that should now be engraved in our coat of arms. The 'anyhowness' that Nigeria is now renowned for has understandably infected Arik and they appear to be loving it. Fortunately, till date, they have had a clean safety record which is commendable. Unfortunately, I still don't trust them! 

As if Arik read my mind, the flight to Lagos suddenly became dramatic as we approached Lagos. An hour after the pilot announced that we were commencing our final descent into Lagos we were still in the air. At that point, my internal alarms went off. What on Earth was happening? Usually, it took 30minutes after that announcement to land but here we were going at top speed with no sight of the ground from my window. After another half hour, the pilot announced that he could not see the runway at MMIA due to the fog and that he would circle and try once more. If that failed, he said he would divert the flight to Abuja and wait till the sky in Lagos was suitable for landing. At that point, I knew for sure I was going to be making an impromptu trip to Abuja. Another hour in the air in an Arik aircraft. Damn! As if an extra five minutes was not unbearable enough. So we headed to Abuja and to my utmost surprise we were advised to remain in our seats till they instructed otherwise. My dear people of God, na so siddon start. An hour soon became six and we were still on the tarmac of the Nnamdi Azikwe International Airport, Abuja. Passengers understandably became agitated due to the paucity of information from the cabin crew and the hunger didn't help. Many had not had anything decent to eat since the night before. Many, like me, tactfully dodged Arik's sorry excuse for Jollof Rice so blood sugar was waning. One passenger walked to the bar on board and grabbed a pack of orange juice, he was obviously frustrated. Again, to my bewilderment, the Arik cabin attendant ran after him and tried to physically snatch the orange juice from the passenger's hands and a small scuffle ensued. It was not even pure natural orange juice! Made from concentrates and was Chivita!!! I was certain it couldn't cost more than 300naira per pack. I was thoroughly ashamed!

When that flight eventually landed in Lagos a few minutes before 1p.m in the afternoon, after sitting since 9:30pm the previous night, I had no doubt in my mind whatsoever that it would take something cosmic for me to board another international Arik flight. I had paid my dues. So, don't blame me if it sounds like I have given Virgin Atlantic too much credit. It is only when you have swam in an ocean that you realize a swimming pool shouldn't drown anybody. 

May we not chew kpomo when our mates are eating meat. There's a popular song by King Sunny Ade. 'Ma je kin ba won de odo lai pon omi' (May I not follow them to the river and not fetch water). That is my sincere prayer for anyone who is reading this. Never again!

Arik isn't an airline. Leave kpomo...chop meat!

Picking Your Goons The Nigerian Way

The sins of Muhammadu Buhari are many. They are so many that they may cost him the elections in a few weeks time. Many people are worried that the n0-smiling septuagenarian still has dictatorial tendencies and may stifle free speech if he succeeds at the polls. Another crucial grudge many have against him is that of his choice of association. While the APC sings 'Change, Change, Change', many are quick to point to the politicians who surround Buhari as being fruits from the same tree that gifted Nigeria with talents like James Ibori and Lucky Igbinedion. The perception is that you can't preach change when the APC seems to be an extension of PDP given the number of defectors. Besides the seemingly disgruntled PDP elements, there are others from the ACN who flock around Buhari who appear to tarnish his 'clean' record. 

Nigeria has over 200 ethnic groups and remains the most populous black nation in the world. One can only imagine the diversity of interests and interest groups. Many people berate Ibrahim Babangida for a lot of things but do not give him credit for the two-party political system he instituted before the 1993 general elections. This 'forced' Nigerians to align their interests regardless of ethnicity and religion. Since then, we have returned to the multi-party system and the PDP has held sway at the Federal level for the last 16years. There were regional powerhouses like the former ACN in the South-West, APGA in the South-East and CPC and ANPP in the North but following the merger that produced the APC, the PDP has faced its sternest test yet. Another peculiarity of Nigerian politics is the role money plays in electioneering. You just must have a fat purse. This is because of the depressing levels of poverty and illiteracy in the land. We have now perfected the art of stomach infrastructure. So much so, that some states now have advisers to the Governor on stomach infrastructure. Our politicians are smart. They know hunger clouds judgment so they make people poor and hungry so when they appear with bread, they suddenly look like angels to the populace.

With these in mind, you can begin to understand how political parties aggregate and operate in the country. In 2011, Mr Nuhu Ribadu emerged as the presidential candidate for the ACN, a party led by Bola Tinubu. It was no secret that Nuhu Ribadu had investigated the latter who governed Lagos State between 1999 and 2007 for financial misappropriation. Here was Ribadu, a man with pristine character and anti-corruption crusader who allegedly turned down a cash bribe of $15million from James Ibori. But when it crunch time, he weighed his options and realized he didn't have the financial muscle to prosecute an election and shook hands with 'villains'. Does this make Nuhu Ribadu suddenly corrupt? I do not believe so. Today, that same Nuhu Ribadu is a gubernatorial candidate in Adamawa on the platform of the PDP. He is now in the same party with legends like James Ibori, Peter Odili, DSP Alamiesiegha, Buruji Kashamu and Olabode George! Has he now become a thief? Of course not. He is doing the needful. A means to an end. Realistically in Nigeria, any 'good' person who aspires to serve sincerely must associate with the seemingly corrupt crop since such a person is not likely to independently possess the financial and political requirements for such an Herculean task.

In 2007, Mr Jimi Agbaje contested for the prime job in Lagos on the platform of a relatively unpopular and now defunct party called DPA. Guess what? He lost! In the upcoming elections, he will be contesting on a PDP ticket. He hasn't automatically been transfused with Bode George's pilfering DNA but he has come to the realistic conclusion that if he stands any chance at all at winning then he must do the needful and align with some 'villains'. It's a means to an end. Mr Agbaje launched his campaign with a catchy slogan that subtly tried to explain this. 'I am not one of them'. I have listened to Mr Agbaje speak and I was very impressed by the lucidness of his thought process. He talks like a professional who can assert himself in any intellectual gathering. He may not necessarily like the people he dines with at the moment on a political level but there's a Yoruba adage that says 'eni t'oba fe mu obo a sebi obo' (he who wishes to catch a monkey must occasionally behave like a monkey). My assessment of him and Mr Ambode following a debate the two of them took part in is that in an 'ideal' world, Mr Agbaje would defeat his opponent by three planets. Mr Ambode sounds like a stooge. He talks like he's not entirely clear what governance is about. Yes, he is intelligent but that's not enough to make him a good leader. You need to have an aura of strong character; your body language and your ability to capture the attention of an audience when speaking publicly tells us. With all due respect to Mr Ambode, I honestly think he is unfortunate to be coming after a character like Babatunde Fashola. But that is for another forum.

Now, Buhari is communing with Bola Tinubu, Rotimi Amaechi and Abubakar Atiku. Seemingly corrupt men with very questionable pasts and previous association with the PDP. Again, the question is has this association suddenly conferred corruption on Buhari? I do not believe so. If Buhari desires to lead a country like Nigeria without getting his hands soiled by association then he isn't serious yet. That is the simple truth. The man isn't defined by his associations, especially in a complex country like Nigeria. He is defined by his character. Buhari's single selling point is his probity. Till date, nobody has successfully accused or investigated him for corruption even in the midst of all his other blemishes and sins. He certainly comes with a lot of baggage but he should not be judged based on his 'goons'. This is why I find it nauseating when people shout and scream 'vote for APC' or 'vote for PDP'. Parties are not people. Parties cannot be held responsible! Parties don't resume in offices every morning. People do and people are held responsible. Assess each man on his own merit. You can't vote for PDP or APC across board simply because of a party. You'd end up voting for imbeciles like that. What each man has to offer on a personal level should be the cogent question.

They say birds of a feather flock together and that by their fruits you shall know them. In an ideal world. Nigeria is far from ideal. If we continue to cast aspersions on credible people based on their 'goons' then we will keep going round in circles. As long as the PDP and APC exist with the current crop of politicians with no constitutional allowance for independent candidacy, nobody will get into power simply because he is 'good enough'. In Nigeria, you may have to dine with the devil as long as you do not relinquish your soul to 'him'. That is our reality. Any aspirant who thinks otherwise is obviously a landlord in Fools' paradise.

If you disqualify one man because of his 'goons' then we should hold the other man to the same standard. But we don't. Why one man can fondle Kashamu, Alams and Bode George publicly and the other can't beats me. 

What is permissible for A should also permissible for B. After all, 'ninu ikoko dudu ni eko funfun ti jade' (It is out of a black pot that white pap emerges).

Clueless? Forgive them Mr President...They Know Not

A lot has been said, shown and read in the polity since my last post some months ago. The Nigerian political space has become a theater of the absurd as well as the hilarious in the last few weeks owing to the fast approaching elections. I tried so hard not to jump into the pool of politically inclined articles being churned out on a daily basis as we build-up to the elections. First, because I recently became someone's father and between feeding vigils and soiled diapers, time has suddenly become golden and finding hours to write extensively has become even harder as the days go by. I have therefore, albeit painfully, restricted my ruminations to a few lines on Facebook when the little one snoozes for a few minutes. The other reason is hopelessness. A little part in me is quite frankly resigned to fate about Nigeria's prognosis. As cynical as it sounds, I am starting to seriously entertain the grim thought that maybe this is our 'last bus-stop' after all. Maybe we cannot really be better than this? Maybe this is our normalcy and what we are agitating for is the real aberration and not our current steady-state.

Today however, I would like make a humble submission to my very learned and amiable incumbent President. Dear Sir, I honestly commiserate with you concerning this quagmire called Nigeria you have found yourself. I have a lot of pity for you because you would have had considerably less headache if you had ruled this great nation before this nuisance called social media pervaded the land. I cannot imagine how much resentment you now have for Twitter and Facebook as 'uninformed elements' keep hurling stones in the form of abuses at you via these platforms. It can't be easy. Offline, they hurl real stones when you go round to intimate them of the bright plans you have for them during campaigns. Online, you try peacefully to follow Kim and Kanye and the stones still find a way into your timeline. Bear with them Sir. Most of them are unemployed young people who have now become useful tools for the 'opposition'. But Sir, have you stopped to wonder what changed between 2011 and 2014? You ran a successful social media campaign back then. So successful was it that it was even mouthed in some quarters that you brought Facebook to Nigeria. Young people identified with you. These days, all I see are tweets, retweets and shared posts all clamoring for your exit. What has gone wrong my dear Sir?

Let me quickly digress Sir. I heard the PDP Chairman address you as Dr Goodluck Ebele 'Mainassara' Jonathan during the recent rally in Niger State. It is also common knowledge that you answer 'Azikwe' to carry the South-East of Nigeria along. I am, however, yet to find your Yoruba alias. I believe you should, for robustness, also adopt a Yoruba name. Permit me Sir to suggest a befitting one you my wish to consider. 'Oluwabamise' isn't bad at all in my opinion.

Anyway, let me get back to the essence of this post. I am worried about your body language Sir. Each time you say something, your body language says other things and I find this emotionally confusing. Many brave people who have defended you believe you are only being victimised because of your orijin...sorry, I meant origin (autocorrect yi sha...). They say you have made giant strides but the 'opposition' calculatedly paints you black with propaganda. They say people intentionally sabotage your efforts and I can imagine how frustrated that must make you feel. One undeniable fact however Sir is that your body language doesn't come across like someone who is anti-corruption. Permit me to use an analogy. Imagine Sir, an 'agaba'...the local masquerade. It is seated in the market-square with candy floss and popcorn machine with Teletubbies theme song in the background and it has a bag filled with toys. To the local children, the masquerade is Barney and they'll flock around it. Now Sir, imagine this same masquerade without the paraphernalia of kid-friendly things but with two long fresh 'kpankere' and amulets tied around its neck and waist. That same masquerade begins to invoke fright and trepidation in those same kids. That is what you have done with the people you have surrounded yourself with. 

Were you serious Sir when you said a former military ruler jailed Jim Nwobodo for stealing money that was not even enough to buy a Peugeot 504? Sir, does it matter how much was stolen really as long as there was theft? It is hard to convince anyone you want to fight corruption when you talk like this. Did it occur to you Sir that thieves are like small kids. They will keep pushing their luck till they are reprimanded and even come back again to test your resolve. In my opinion Sir, anyone who steals even one kobo of taxpayers money must be brought to book. This serves as deterrent to others who are studying your body language. The danger is that if you let some get away with it, it gets harder to caution others tomorrow because you are now likely to be accused of nepotism. 

Were you also serious Sir when you said in Ibadan a few days ago that if you arrest all the corrupt Nigerians, who will be left to run the country? Sir, again, this statement sounds awkward. You are the Commander-In-Chief of Nigeria! Start somewhere and see if others won't fall into line. While I honestly want to avoid mentioning any other candidates apart from you throughout this post as I have come to find that a mere mention of a certain opposer immediately evokes hate and bile from your acolytes. The thinking is that this is the main edge 'they' have over you. The will to start from somewhere no matter whose ox is gored. 

Were you serious Sir when you said also a few days ago that we should reelect you because governments perform better in their second term? Let us take a minute and think about this assertion which I believe you thought through before uttering. You mean if I get a contract job that is renewable in a year, I can 'faff' for nine months knowing fully well my continued employment will be based on my appraisal and then submit to my employer that they should overlook this first year and renew the contract for another year? Hell NO! In the real corporate world where performance is everything, you probably won't even complete the first contract before you are sent packing Sir. 

I also saw a video where you referred to the late Mr Patrick Sawyer as a 'crazy man' for bringing Ebola to Nigeria. I didn't believe it when I was told. Such insensitivity wasn't a mark of a responsible and responsive leader. He was sick Sir. He just wanted to get better! And he eventually lost his life. Put yourself in the shoes of his mourning family. He has kids! To hear the President of a country call their father a crazy man for being sick isn't proper. That is conduct unbecoming of a President. Like it or not, Mr Sawyer didn't ask to be infected with the virus. It happened and he tried to deal with it to the best of his ability. Nigerians ought to apologize for this your indiscretion and pay condolences to his family. A human life is a human life after all. Liberian or Nigerian.

I watched a video also where you said your government was concerned about getting the Chibok girls back and rebuilding their destroyed classrooms and building 'high fences' to protect the girls. Again, I must ask if you were being serious. High walls? Like the Berlin Wall? Interestingly, Francois Hollande of France was seated next to you when you said this. He must have choked on his own tongue laughing. Sir, security isn't about high walls. When you are less busy Sir, look up a picture of the White House or 10 Downing Street on Google. Security is more about the unseen than the seen. Security is about intelligence gathering not high fences. That Aso Rock offers a false sense of security because it has many walls doesn't make it the norm. It only makes it a maximum penitentiary.

Some weeks ago Sir, you attempted to defend your government's seeming somnolence against corruption by saying that what most people shout about isn't actually corruption but mere stealing. Sir, your're a practicing Anglican Christian. You know the Bible too well as you have been to every renowned congress and revival in the land. Even the Bible admonishes us not to steal. There is no such thing as 'mere stealing' Sir when we are talking about $20billion (according to Sanusi Lamido), or N30trillion (according to Chukwuma Soludo), or thousands of barrels of crude oil daily. Call it whatever name. The bottom-line is that your people are being deprived of appreciable development by not having access to these monies.

I like you Sir. I really do but it gets harder and harder to defend you. Again, were you serious when you said corruption is not tackled by sending people to prison at one of your rallies? I immediately agreed for a minute because I assumed you were talking about the Chinese way of tackling corruption where people are sent to the gallows. I hoped you meant the Jerry Rawlings style of tackling corruption. But then, you continued by saying technology, rather than imprisonment, was the appropriate way of tackling graft. I was not quite clear Sir. Do you mean like Twitterjail? Or like poking them on Facebook to stop stealing? Or did you mean like locking them up in a Microsoft Cloud? You must bear with me Sir. I am hopeless when it comes to technology so maybe I need it broken down to my level.

The whole world may call you clueless Sir but I do not agree. You may not be a first class student but you are not clueless. Professor Oyebode and other sound scholars have given their verdict on your intellectual capability so I will leave that to them being professional teachers . You are many things but you are not clueless Sir. Could it have occurred to you that a calculated decimation of the Northern population by Boko Haram could translate to fewer votes for your contenders? Could it have occurred to you also that persistent insecurity and instability in the region could disenfranchise many voters and cause voter apathy? Who would queue publicly to vote when and where life expectancy is two and a half minutes? Could this be why the government has spent so much on security yet the body counts mount? After all they are 'killing themselves'? Could this be why Nigeria's once-revered military in the days of ECOMOG now seems helpless and hapless in the face of internal insurgency? Do you by chance Sir have any clue what the latest figures are of internally displaced persons in Northern Nigeria. Could it have occurred to you Sir that Asari and Tompolo are threatening fire and brimstone on your behalf and since you didn't say those things directly, you can't be held liable? You, my kind President, are everything but clueless. You know exactly what you want and what you have to do to get it.

Dear Sir, as you jump from city to city trying to sell a product that is non-functional, I hear Chadian troops are hoisting their country's flag within Nigerian borders. If this is true, then we should be reflecting on why we are where we are today. Your lobbying for votes would have been easier if you were telling people how one pound trades for 100naira, how Nigerian businesses have cut their overheads as they now have constant electricity for sixteen hours in a day, how the textile, rubber and cocoa exports earned Nigeria trillions of Naira in revenue, how the industries now work with many young people gainfully employed therein, how you can walk in and out of Yobe, Maiduguri and Borno at anytime of the day with all your limbs intact, how every of the 36 states now has ten functional teaching hospitals each where groundbreaking medical interventions are being carried out and how parents are withdrawing their kids from private universities and Ghanaian universities and enrolling them in federal universities that now rank high like Imperial College and MIT in research. But since you can't boast of these, you resort to distractions. You tell them the other person is an Islamist. That he got F9 in Mathematics in 1961. That he can't jog round the stadium because he has some ailment. That he will stop Facebook and Twitter and close down all the newspapers. That he will make Fulani the new lingua franca. That his late children died from sickle cell disease (I'm not still entirely sure what that has to do with giving me stable electricity). You tell us everything apart from what you've been doing for the past six years. You show us locomotives as the new hallmark of good progressive governance. I commiserate with you Sir. As an intellectual, it must sadden you indeed that this is all you have to base your thesis on after 6 years in the driving seat. It must sadden you that intelligent young people like Feyi Fawenhimi and talented ones like Don Jazzy all regret casting their votes for you in 2011. It should make you wonder also, if you had any insight, that men like Tunde Bakare who stood up for you when the cabal blocked you out following late President Ya'adua's demise decided to run against you and now back your 'opposition'. Think Sir....Think!

Perhaps I should advice you Sir as we approach the elections. Quickly, and I mean quickly, send the State Security Service after the militants threatening war if you lose. Ping Femi Fani-Kayode and ask him never to show up at your doorstep again. Drive Doyin Okupe to Sambisa Forest and leave him there,(maybe he'll get to lose some weight if he is dodging rocket fire!). Open a printing house for Abati and wish him well in his future endeavors. Stand up to Boko Haram and stop condemning 'dastardly acts'. Shake up the military and renew the morale and vigour of our soldiers and go after these people. Stop campaigning in Churches and along religious lines. Shake up the NNPC and let some people go to jail. Equip the Navy sincerely, crude oil isn't stolen with canoes and 20liter cans, it is moved in vessels. We know! Allow Diezani go to OPEC full time and review the Petroluem ministry yourself. Send Okonjo-Iweala back to World Bank or better still Ogwuashi-Uku and get serious with plugging holes. Offer Fayose to Sango or Obatala as living sacrifice. Step on toes! Fight for Nigerians! Be a Commander-in-Chief!

History won't forget you Sir. You had such a huge opportunity to take your place in our annals as the most learned President we ever had who 'changed' our lives. We know the rot didn't start under you. We haven't asked for utopia in 6 years. We have only asked you to step on the brakes while we try to find the reverse gear. Instead my dear Sir, you seem to have floored the throttle. How very sad indeed!

#VoteNotFight 

#ElectionNoBeWar!