Marriage As We Now See It

I once heard a wise woman say 'A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband'.


For me, that is the sanest definition of marriage.


I am not a big fan of weddings. Even though I'm still not certain why I don't enjoy attending weddings, I try to make an appearance at as many I am invited to. On the other hand, my seeming aversion for them might also be due to the fact that I worry my generation focuses on the success of the wedding day and not the marriage itself.


Often, families break the bank in a bid to stage the 'dream wedding' for their kids. Its not a bad thing. The parents of a bride flew their guests to Dubai for a wedding sometime this year. Last year also, a big Ogun State politician doled out a sumptuous seventy-five million naira for his daughter's wedding. I also know of a bride who in the bid to give herself a fairy tale wedding last year overdrew on her accounts and is currently still grappling with servicing the loans. After all is said and done, will the marriage be worth the effort put into the wedding? Will the marriage outlive the memories of the fantasy wedding?


Divorce rates have tripled in the last three years in Nigeria. Divorces, not separations. This is an extremely dangerous trend and it unfortunately does not show any signs of abating. Separations are even better, when a couple separates, there's a slight chance of a reconciliation. Both of them probably need time off to cool off and work through their differences. A divorce on the other hand, is a total amputation. They have declared their differences irreconcilable.


Hitherto, it used to be said that most Nigerian businesses fail within the first five years of inception. Now, our marriages have overtaken our businesses in life expectancy. 


So, the burning question is, why are marriages in my generation failing?


There's a radio program I endeavor to listen to daily in the evenings. There's usually a topic up for discourse and listeners are allowed to call into the studios to air their opinion on the subject matter. For me, the program is most intriguing when the topic has to do with marriage. The views I hear on that show utterly terrify me. I sometimes choose to believe that the calls are arranged. Nigerians call to say they are fed up of two year old marriages, sometimes even younger marriages. Most of them say their spouses 'changed' after marriage. Did they?


My parents have been married for three decades. I know several other couples now in their fifties, sixties and seventies who have remained married for decades. My grandfather has remained with my step-grandmother for many years and have since married off their kids who are now in their forties too. Marriage has not changed. It remains the same 'a man shall leave his parents and cleave to a woman'. What did our parents do correctly that we have not done in my generation?


Marriage has never, is not and will never be rosy. It is a full time job as a matter of fact and is usually more than just having abdominal butterflies as we do in my generation.


My grandfather wondered why I did my laundry myself when my girlfriend just visited. He  insisted that in his time, his girlfriends used to go into the room, pack out his laundry and wash. I laughed so hard, I almost choked. The thought of my dear girlfriend doing my laundry was particularly amusing. In my mind, I said 'Grandpa, in this 21st century?'


There has been a generational shift in the ideals of marriage. We are more exposed today, educationally and emotionally. Our women don't take 'rubbish' anymore. Our mothers took a truck load of dung from our fathers. Was all the long suffering a worthy sacrifice for the longevity of their homes? Can we say the men now are worse than they were back then? Our fathers were not particularly 'gentlemanly' and chivalry was not one of their sterling qualities. 


For everything there is a price. The empowerment and exposure of our women have yielded more self-reliant and independent women. Women are now able to fend for themselves and their homes, the income and standard of living at home have improved. They are now able to understand and take decisions that will benefit their health and that of their kids. That is an outstanding thing and surely, progress has been made in that regard.


It is tempting to believe my views are chauvinistic. I am only asking questions and doing a comparative analysis of then and now. Examining the pros and cons. 


Love is not enough to keep a marriage. It is an ingredient but only one of a tetra-pod. 


Maturity, Understanding and ultimately a sound knowledge of Jesus. Human nature is naturally selfish so don't feel bad if you notice you think of yourself first even after you have been 'equally yoked'. After-all, a popular Yoruba adage says 'If a fire burns you and your child, you dust that fire off yourself first before the child'. That's simply how humans are wired.


We need to develop ourselves as individuals even before a wedding and a marriage. We must begin to focus on how to invest in the marriage instead of a wedding. There will always be bigger weddings and soon, yours will be just another society wedding. So, why not focus on that which you'll be stuck with till your last days as a mortal. The wedding is a day, the marriage however is a lifetime.


Our mothers made their choices. It is time for us to make ours. Nobody else will be responsible for how we choose to live now. How many elderly couples do we know who didn't at one time or the other almost rip out the head (figuratively, of course) of their spouse in anger, frustration or irritation. They had squabbles and low points but they also had very lovely days. That in itself is the very core of the issue. 


The wise woman I opened with understands. A blind woman will refuse to see the man on the day his folly is waxing and the deaf man will refuse to hear the woman on a day she's rambling over flimsy issues. Outside those, they are best-friends.


Marriage has not changed...only my generation has.










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