Hello...Hello...Can You Hear Me?

 It is often said that General Obasanjo ruled us for eight years and the only dividend of democracy he gave Nigerians was the Global System for Mobile Communication (GSM). Since its introduction in 2001, the GSM has continued to spread like wild fire, connecting millions of Nigerians, literate and illiterate alike, to the world from their bedrooms. It has certainly changed the face and cost of doing business as communication has become so simple that i often wonder how we survived before the age of mobile phones.

Since 2001, we've had different mobile operators come and go. They've come, invested a few millions, doubled their money and moved on to more rewarding ventures. We however have some seemingly stable operators who as we have all come to realize are not yet done with milking the Nigerian populace. I remember the first mobile sim pack i got as a medical student in 2002 or so, it cost a whooping 20,000 naira at the time. The handset was a Siemens A35 as my folks could not afford to buy me the Thuraya or even the Nokia 3310 at the time. Eleven years later, the same sim card sells for about a hundred naira. My mum even got free sim packs at a wedding she attended last month as thank-you-for-coming souvenirs.

For the purpose of this parody, i shall refrain from mentioning names of the major operators. Also for the purpose of posterity, as i may also be named as a brand ambassador someday and it'll be sore if at that point, a innocuous article as this is tendered against my appointment. So, i'll simply refer to them as; the Green one, The Red one, The Black one and The Yellow one. I'll leave you to make your deductions and use your imagination at your own risk.

First off, i'll like to thank the four major operators on behalf of the Nigerian musicians who have cashed out as brand ambassadors for these companies. I am made to understand that they spend humongous amounts on endorsement deals with a few selected artistes. I hear the Black one even had directors queried months after they realized they had paid too much for the services of Banky W for their roll out theme song. So also the Green one, D'banj and King Sunny Ade will definitely never forget the largess and magnanimity of this company so much so that the 70year old 'Orisun Iye' crooner went ahead and painted his entire house at Jibowu Yaba in green color. Then the Yellow company that prides itself as being cosmopolitan recently snapped up Davido as its new face in a multi-million naira deal. Then the Red one last year had a hot romance with Tuface in their 'Too Good' promo.

Some nights ago, subscribers on the Yellow one woke up to find all their airtime missing. Twitter was agog with complaints the next day and people threatened fire and brimstone if they didn't get their airtime back. I am made to understand the operator returned all the airtime, apparently they had a thieving system upgrade and their systems developed kleptomaniac tendencies during the night. I have used the Yellow one for about nine years now and they are yet to impress me in any way . Since the advent of BlackBerry services, i have complained tirelessly as with several Nigerians on the terrible data services offered. The best part is when you try to contact their customer call center, you'll totally hate yourself. Personally i have given up on trying to speak with their elusive call center agents as i once listened to jingles for 45mins while waiting for the next available agent and just as the fellow picked up my call, the line was dropped as my phone showed 'Call Failed'. The Yellow one however does not joke with advertisements, they bring us the most melodious advert tunes year after year and sponsor family and general knowledge game shows.They are however said to have the most expensive call rates even for calls made on their own network. I definitely agree as i have noticed the incredibly short life span of airtime recharges on my phone, i have since resigned to not using the network for voice calls. On the days they want to maximize profit from dropped calls, you are likely to see things like 'Network Congestion' or 'Call failed' while trying to place voice calls.

The Red one seems to be the most confused of the lot in terms of identity, though i am made to believe they offer arguably the cheapest call rates. It is a network i have personally never been on but i know a couple of people who still use it. They have had about five different names since 2001 and i doubt they've reached their final bus-stop in terms of nomenclature. I await their next alias as they seem to have a fetish for names. They however try to remain transparent as i am aware they send call summary and call charges after every telephone call thus enabling their subscribers to track their airtime. They however have the idiotic 'Ake, My Love-Club 10' advert. Where on earth did they get that silly concept from?

The Green one is an indigenous company and i hear they offer good call rates also. Their call centers respond promptly even if they don't sort out the issue you called to complain about. They are also renowned for hiring fair, tall and voluptuous ladies, for reasons best known to them. My experience with this operator has been bitter-sweet, they are generous in terms of sms. They give you so many free intra-network sms as if to say 'Oya, make una use text injure unaselves'. Their BlackBerry services are a No No however, i tried using them last year and almost cried at this my old age. They also have a thing for Nollywood actors and actresses as it seems only Baba Suwe and Fadeyi Oloro are not brand ambassadors for this network.

The Black one is the newest and claims to be the freshest of the lot. They used to have very classy adverts but have recently turned to 'Saka' as their new brand mascot. Saka is either dancing alanta or loading airtime in the middle of the night. They rolled out with the edge of personalized numbers and i even got one for myself then. Till date, i still use this network and their call rates are fairly cheap but their network quality is terrible. Their middle names are 'Connection Error' and 'Network Busy' and they can send senseless promo sms'!!! To their credit however, they give free seconds for national calls to any network depending on the amount of airtime recharged. They are also into reality music shows though i believe Nigeria is big enough to find less scary judges than Charley Boy. Also steer clear of their BlackBerry services, they'll make you doubt your own sanity.

In all, the quality of service provided by all these operators can be a lot better than what we have at the moment. They make more money from the dropped calls than the actual completed phone calls and so you have a fair idea of how much they make on a daily basis. Every year, these companies make billions in profit from Nigerian masses, offer crappy service and recruit our young people and offer them peanuts in renumeration. They come to Nigeria, make a lot of money and leave us thoroughly swindled. there are no customer rights protection groups that can task these companies for better service. The government agency saddled with regulating the activities of these companies is somnolent and is more concerned with sim card registration than with quality assurance and delivery to the people of Nigeria.

It is not surprising that the foreign mobile companies come here to treat Nigerians anyhow. There's a saying that 'Charity begins at home'. Once they come in and see how our own government treats us, thy are morally justified to throw whatever they deem appropriate at us. Its like a man who treats his own dog with levity in the presence of his neighbors and then travels and leaves the dog with the same neighbors and then expects the dog to be treated properly. When our government begins to treat us properly, these companies will sit up and offer quality service to Nigerians.

Until that time, Nigerians will continue to groan and complain...Oops! i have phone call, give me a minute...

'Hello...Hello....Can you hear me? Network is bad ooo...Call me back abeg'...