My President Came To Church

Lagosians are constantly grumbling and groaning from perennial traffic conditions. The traffic situation seems like one of the glitches in Lagos that continues to perturb and confuse Mr Raji Fashola. He simply can't find a solution to it.

On Friday, December 14 2012, Lagos experienced what many termed 'the mother of all traffic jams'. Everywhere was chaotic. This chaos lasted late into the night as I am aware most people were still on the road on their way home from work till about midnight that Friday. The reason for this untold hardship and unequalled wickedness was because our dear President was coming to pray and to be prayed for at the Holy Ghost Congress on Lagos-Ibadan Expressway. If it was fair on well-meaning hardworking Lagosians to suffer that much simply because a Church was doing a Congress is something I'll really like clarifications on. I am a Christian too but causing that much suffering on fellow human beings is something I doubt Jesus would have smiled on. Anyway, that's a topic for another day.

Friday was not President Jonathan's first visit to the RCCG Camp grounds. He was there some time ago before his election into office as President. At the time, he was prayed for to lead Nigeria to the Promise Land. Nigeria has since dwindled in developmental milestones like a child with cerebral palsy. When I heard he was visiting again last Friday, I simply smiled. I caught a clip of his introduction to the stage for his address on television. I noticed everyone, including Mama G.O, gave a standing ovation while he was ushered to the stage. To his credit, Papa G.O remained seated as he clapped for Mr President. I then asked myself, what the applause was for exactly? Was it for being such an outstanding or exemplary leader or was it simply because Jonathan found time in his busy schedule to be present at Camp that night? Was the applause for the drastic reduction in maternal and child mortality in the two years Goodluck has been President or the total eradication of corruption by this administration or was it simply because he was the President so he sha deserved to be clapped for? I still don't have the answer and I'm still dying to be clear on this. We must not just do things. We must be able to explain our actions or inaction, as the case may be.

I'm an orthodox Christian by birth. I have however worshipped in some other Churches in the past, including the ones presided over by Pastor Adeboye. I have no personal issues with him. I have never met him and I don't know if I ever will. The closest I've ever come to him will probably remain the two editions of Open Heavens, a daily devotional he writes every year, that I bought in 2011 and at the beginning of 2012. I have a lot of respect for him but then, our elders say in Yoruba that 'the fact that you are crying does not mean you can't see'. That I respect him does not mean I worship him. He is a servant of God, not God. He remains flesh and blood like you and I therefore can be questioned. If you do not agree, then too bad. I have no apologies for my opinion. You can take my matter up in fasting and prayer.

My grouse with Papa G.O, and indeed many Nigerian Overseers, is the way he seems apolitical even in the face of the gross suffering many Nigerians have been subjected to by this administration. An administration he, by commission or omission, endorsed months before the 2011 general elections. In the Old Testament, God directed prophets to anoint the next Kings of Israel. To most people, Goodluck's kneeling and 'anointing' by Papa G.O came across as an endorsement. Again, you can choose to agree with me or not. The weak argument some voltrons have put forward is that there really wasn't much Papa could have done as he seemed to have been set up by the President and his cronies at the said 'anointing'. I beg to disagree. Who do we serve? God or man? If it is God, why should any man arm-twist another man into blessing him? To avoid getting in the bad books of the President? Please, if you have answers,let me know.

Before you quote 1st Chronicle 16 verse 22 (Touch not my anointed and do my prophets no harm) and invoke the wrath and punishment of Almighty God on me for asking really innocuous questions from your G.O, be clear in your mind that I have truly and really 'touched' or 'harmed' the Man of God. Remember a prophet called Moses? He was a vibrant prophet of God. He led the entire nation of Israel out of Egypt's captivity but at some point he struck a rock instead of speaking to it and displeased God. Who would have thought God would punish His own servant? He did! And Moses did not enter the Promised Land. Recall also a man called Jonah, sent by God Himself to Nineveh but tried to abscond. God punished this prophet by keeping him in the belly of a big fish for three days and three nights. The point is even the servants of God falter and sometimes they are reprimanded by God so stop taking analgesics for another man's headache. Focus on your own life instead of casting and binding anyone who questions your pastor.

What would have thrilled many people and would have made Friday's ordeal worthwhile would have been a situation where the servant of God succinctly showed Mr President that the Church was unhappy about the way the country was being run. Instead of coyly stating that 'sin disrupted God's plans for Nigeria', ask the President to his face how N5trillion naira went missing under his administration. Instead of reminding us in vague terms that God wants to do something new in Nigeria, ask Mr President why he chooses to remain good friends with convicts and oil thieves who have continued to swindle the good people of God year after year. Instead of praying for direction for our leaders -a prayer which has now turned to a cliche as we have been praying this same prayer since Ernest Shonekan was ruling- why don't we ask Mr President why he has remained dodgy about declaring his assets two years down the line if he indeed has nothing to hide.

Many people don't appreciate the importance of Church leaders and prophets in setting leaders straight. Recall again in the second Book of Samuel when God wanted to set King David straight. He sent Prophet Nathan to express his displeasure at David's misadventure with Bathsheba, Uriah's wife. Also recall that when Hezekiah the king was going to die, God sent his prophet Isaiah to tell him in very clear terms that his sickness was going to end in death. There are other instances where the prophets stood fearless and openly reprimanded those in authority. They did this knowing the One who sent them was greater than any king, tall or short, with a PhD or a stark illiterate.

What happened on Friday was that we lost a glorious opportunity to tell Mr President that we are displeased and angry. We are angry that our children cannot go to good schools for solid education. We are angry that every week, Lagos-Ibadan Expressway snatches the lives of Nigerians prematurely because the President's friends continue to collect mobilization fees and vanish leaving the roads as decrepit as ever. We are angry that our hospitals do not work and that our leaders jet out when they 'dash their feet against stone' for medical attention while they leave us to fry puff-puff every Friday for those needlessly snatched away by 'brief illnesses'. We had a chance to tell him we are angry and we let is slip. Instead, we gave him a rousing welcome and a standing ovation.

Alas, this is not peculiar to RCCG. Some months ago, Gbenga Daniel visited my Church and I was told the congregation clapped for him too when he was introduced. I was not in the assembly that day but I imagined all the money he stole from my home state of Ogun. Did he deserve to be clapped for or be pelted with rocks and booed out of the Church?  This is what the 21st century Nigerian Christians do. We roll out red carpets for people we should give the cold shoulder.

Goodluck Jonathan hears sermons from men like Ayo Oristejafor every seven days at the State House Chapel. Servants of God who have turned to praise-singers. He ventured into our turf on Friday and we should have taken this golden opportunity instead of becoming 'star-struck'. I also want to remind us of Reverend Peter Akinola. He isn't one of Ebele Jonathan's favourite preachers anymore since they made the mistake of allowing him preach at the State House. He stood up for what he believed in. He dropped it like he was certain and assured of the God he served. He called a spade what it was. No sugar-coats. He openly cursed the corrupt leaders so much so that they couldn't say 'Amen' to the toxicities he spewed that morning.

My President came to Church for what I had assumed was the first time in a long time on Friday and he went home just the way he came in. Our Church leaders who have the privilege of having audience with our nation leaders must take every opportunity to set them straight. That is all I ask for. Whatever creed, whatever denomination. The truth is bitter but it must be told. Especially to you the Pastor's voltron and to our disconnected leaders in government.

What happened to the days when prophets stormed into an erring King's palace and menacingly shouted 'Thus saith The Lord...'

You Look...You Sin!

'And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out'-Mark 9 v47.

A few days ago, I stopped for ice cream somewhere around my house with my girlfriend. We had walked in and placed our orders when three young females came into the creamery. One of the three wore probably the shortest and tightest 'bum-shorts' I ever saw. So scandalous were these shorts that even her friends tried belatedly to rectify her lewdness by helping her pull them down. All I could mutter was an exasperated 'Na Wah O'.

'Who do we blame for this obscenity and the natural leering that followed it?' I asked my girlfriend.

Lagos is a hard place to live in. Lagos is one of those places where everyday, a man is faced with daunting challenges that continue to buttress the Yoruba adage that translates as 'It is in a hard or difficult spot that we find(or know) a real man'. Lagos will test your resolve. Lagos can make or break your home.

The outing on that fateful night got me thinking deeply about the constant visual assault young men, single and married, have to contend with on a daily basis in a cosmopolitan city like Lagos. Everyday, on the streets, men are pushed to their breaking limits by sparsely clothed, often voluptuous women and the ultimate goal is to pass these unending tests of self-control.

Let us examine the scene at the creamery again. I totally was not prepared for what I saw that night. It would have been understandable if I had been inside a strip-club in Ikeja and saw the practically nude girls. Totally different. Then, I would have conditioned my mind that I was in the mood to see appendages and flesh. I may have even paid to go and see such. But no,this was a creamery where ice cream was sold. I entered the place with totally pious thoughts only to be confronted with the most bawdy expression of the female anatomy. I know I will be judged to be responsible for what I saw that night and I will take the blame for looking instead of simply yelling 'Get thee behind me!'. But really, is it fair to blame an innocent young virile man for the indiscretion of a silly young girl?

When I asked who was to be held responsible, I knew I was asking a rhetorical question. The blame was mine. Solely. That's what society says. I should know the difference between looking and seeing!

I cut my trips to the big malls around Lekki lately. I tried not to go near such places except it was excruciatingly necessary. I noticed the girls have become bolder and more brazen in exposing flesh and since I cherish my two eyes, I chose the option of fleeing. Many self-righteous people will say it is because I am not 'spirit-filled'. That's their opinion. I am only being objective and practical. A man who has eyes has eyes! Simple. I understand and appreciate that different men will react differently to such obscenities. Some will see and look away quickly and remind themselves of the Bible passages that say the devil has come to kill, steal and destroy. Some others will see and quickly remind themselves of something they need to sort out to distract their minds from the temptation. Some will see the tight clothing and look lustfully for a split second and allow their minds wander to something else. Others on the other hand will look and yell 'Ojigbigbijigbi' like Pa Ajasco and not allow the gluteal muscles leave their visual fields till they hit a corner. One thing is common to all of them, they all saw!

I used to derive a lot of pleasure from going to these public places where half-naked females flooded. I enjoyed watching the reaction of men who were accompanied by their spouses or girlfriends to these 'daughters of Jezebel'. You could see the pain in the eyes of some of these men. They really wished they could turn round and leer. For some, they shamefully lost the battle of self-control right there in the presence of their partners. The brain says one thing while the cervical muscles develop autonomy and turn briskly to direct their gaze at the lumps on the assailant. For some others, they can't even be bothered if their wives noticed. They just turn around and feed their eyes, after all, you only live once. Men are visual beings. I'm not asking you if you speak in tongues or cast and bind demons, stop pretending! I'm asking if there's testosterone in your blood.

One of my favourite movies of last year was Hall Pass starring Owen Wilson. Here, the Directors revealed a secret of the 21st century man. Its that concept of quickly spotting a potential hot lady,mapping the direction she's walking to and promptly turning your gaze to that direction so that she innocently 'walks into your line of vision'. The enactment in the movie was utterly hilarious. If you haven't seen that movie, I recommend it for a very hearty laugh.

How does a man 'pretend' he didn't see what just passed by him? How does he feign blindness on a shiny afternoon or in a well-lit corridor in a bid to forestall a break down of law and order with his accompanying spouse? How does he train his neck muscles so the eyes can move even with the still neck so he can feed his hungry eyes? How does a virile young man 'look' without 'seeing'?

One of my married friends says he wears sunglasses all day long. This way, his eyes can move unfettered behind the lenses without any breach of peace. He goes on to say he wears them even when he sleeps just in case he has daydreams. He wants to be entirely sure his eyes are in check.

Cobhams Asuquo is a talented young man who has shown the world that a handicap is not the same thing as a disability. His ability transcends visual acuity and his works are there as concrete proof. He married a delectable young lady last year. I am occasionally tempted to envy Mr Asuquo. A huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He can't see so he can waltz through The Palms and he won't be bothered there are half-naked girls running all over the place. His wife can sleep at night, every night, knowing where her husband's eyes have been!

There's a part of Islam I have come to appreciate as I have grown. Please note that I am not in anyway asking that we all follow suit but just raising a point about decency. The creed encourages females to wear 'hijabs' and ankle length gowns. Some say this 'shackling and depressive' mode of dressing isn't a guarantee of chastity and virtue. They say some of the women are just as promiscuous once they take off these apparel. This is a very good point. However, we cannot deny the fact that they are not perceived as threats to any man's eyes in public. Do you see a lady in hijab and lick your lips? If you do, you have a new form of sexual deviation. The point is, I really don't care what they did in their private lives, in public, they are 'decent'.

I'll get a lot of stick for this satire. I know that. I also know I have spoken the minds of many young men who have been groaning under the pressure of visual assaults everyday. Don't feel bad. It is a temptation. You'll not be human if you didn't have them. My advice is don't settle your gaze on them when they come out in their worst forms. Just a glance and focus on something else. Try very hard, even though it maybe extremely difficult, not to look a second time. It is that second look that usually gets us in trouble. Remember, we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities in high places. This battle is one that will continue long into the years. Until senile glaucoma and cataracts destroy our acuity. Gird your loins!

Young man...look, but please, by all means, don't (never ever) see!

Perfecting This Macabre Dance

I have lived less than thirty years on Earth. Short, some will say but long enough to have met different kinds of people and tell black from white. When you consider the fact that Jesus only lived three years longer than I have lived and still saw -and did- all he did then thirty years could feel like a lifetime.

Nigeria has changed a lot since I completed my potty training. The first time I drove a car, petrol sold for N11 per liter. In fifteen days time, it may be dispensed at triple figures when our dear President completely removes 'fuel subsidy'. There was a song back then...

                      "....parents, listen to your children..."
                      "....they are the future of tomorrow..."
                      "....try to pay our school fees...."
                      "....and give us sound education..."

I really can't recall who performed this song but I know it was one of those songs I heard growing up. Leaders of tomorrow indeed. A lie from the pit of hell. Masters of the game of mendacity. The leaders I knew then are still controlling Nigeria today. Ibrahim Babangida, Olusegun Obasanjo, T.Y Danjuma, Muhammadu Buhari and the others. The list goes on. Thirty years down the line, I wonder what future I would lead with the choke-hold these power-drunk and insatiable men have on Nigeria's jugular.

Many of the excoriations I have had with individuals in my thirty years have resulted from my pathetic inability to pretend. It is an irredeemable flaw. I have problems hiding dissent and dislike for people, especially when I feel my intelligence is being played. If I do not like you, there's a strong chance you would know -even when I'm courteous enough not to tell you off. Thus my utter dismay at two events which I have decided to review in isolation, albeit an intended flaw of judgement, as I believe these events reflect the moral bankruptcy that current pervades my fatherland.

The first took place a few months ago in Bayelsa. A learned man in the person of Governor Seriake Dickson woke up one fine morning and thought the best way to commemorate his State's 16th Anniversary was to immortalise two icons of ignominy. The first was someone who, if not for death, should probably be standing trial at the Hague with folks like Charles Taylor. He was the brute's brute. His meticulously hand-picked Strike Force supervised and fast-tracked the 'transition to eternal glory' of anyone and everybody perceived to be a thorn in his flesh. The bespectacled dictator with a thin serpentine Hausa accent from Kano State presided over one of the darkest times in the polity and politics of Nigeria. Many pro-democracy mavericks ran off into exile at the thought of the grave bodily harm General Sani Abacha was certain to inflict on them. He ruled Nigeria like a family yogurt business. You either got in line or got in another type of line (facing a firing squad). He was remarkably corrupt at the time, though recent happenings in Nigeria have beatified him in terms of gluttony. Compared to this current administration, Sani was an I.T student in the faculty of corruption. Even him could not have fathomed the fact that this much corruption was humanly possible. How Seriake Dickson thought Sani Abacha deserved to be immortalised is a question that will befuddle Einstein himself, were he alive today.

On that same day Seriake Dickson came out in his macabre dance shoes, he also conferred sainthood on erstwhile Governor, Diepreye Alamieyeseigha. Diepreye, if you do not remember is a convicted felon who somehow served only a day of his two year term in prison in Nigeria. This is a hardened but shameless fugitive who escaped law enforcement in London by dressing up as a woman. Somebody's father. Incredible. Is it not amazing the quality of leaders we manage to produce in the most populous black nation on Earth? Who knows, if not for Diepreye's cross-dressing antics, he and James would probably be playing 'cashie' now in prison in London. He got away with it thanks to Nigeria and even got immortalised by a State he fleeced for six gruelling years.

More recently, a group of cretins under the aegis of All African Students Union conferred an African Leadership Award on Chief Olabode George. A documented criminal and convict. They claim the award was given following an endorsement of the recipient by the National Association of Nigerian Students (NANS). The same Nigerian students who we say are getting shoddy education in the relics called universities across the country because the government has starved the educational sector. The decay in the sector has certainly now reached its pinnacle as evidenced by this obvious blunting of the minds of these misguided Nigerian students. When the young 'leaders of tomorrow' begin to shower accolades by way of awards on ex-convicts then you should be tempted to take sides with the perennial cynics who believe the worst of Nigeria is yet to come.

The three men eulogised by Nigerians are from three different geopolitical zones. Each as nefarious as the next in disbursing pain and suffering on their own people. We have shown the world now that we totally lack any moral conscience. I wonder what Mr Dickson will tell his son Abacha and Alamieyeseigha did for Nigeria and Bayelsa that earned them these accolades, that of course is in the hope that the boy will not be as mentally stunted as his father. What do we celebrate as a people? What do we hold in high regard? Public good or gross larceny? When we turn our backs on the Achebes, the Soyinkas, the Tam Wests and the Fawehimis who devote their entire lives to telling us the truth we are now so allergic and averse to. What message are we sending to our kids and the outside world? What do we praise?

Nigeria is where it is today because of Nigerians and our insistence on perfecting this macabre dance of ours. Year in, year out, we do the same thing and expect a different result. What some define as insanity.

The music is still playing so we dance on. We forget very quickly. At some point, the music will stop and we will keep dancing. In our minds, this dance is all we know. It is all we have ever known so we can't even tell when there's anything to dance to. The dance will not stop till the dance floor splits and the roof of the disco crumbles in. An implosion. 

Ojukwu's Estate: The Aftermath

Chief Odumegwu Ojukwu passed away just over a year ago. His will, however, was only read yesterday in the Enugu. The wrangling and conspiracy theories that trailed the will and its content strongly reminded me of Nollywood and its hopelessly inane 'home videos'.

I like men like Chief Ojukwu. They lived their adult lives shrouded in controversy. Even in death, they still manage to grab headlines by confusing many. In his grave, Ojukwu remains an enigma to many and this was aptly reflected by the content of his will.

 

The high points for me were the sudden appearance of a 'secret' daughter who is Hausa, the disowning of one of his sons called Sylvester and the emergence of his widow, the delectable Bianca as the biggest beneficiary of Ikemba's estate. In all, Ikemba claims he sired eight children and categorically stated that no other person be considered his offspring apart from those he mentioned.

 

Ikemba's Hausa daughter was the 'rabbit out of the hat'. She was probably the only aspect of Friday that nobody saw coming. It also got me thinking about Nigeria and Nigerian men. Bianca claims her late husband never mentioned having a daughter before he died. Ironically, she is listed first among all his offspring and is actually said to be his first child. Tenny Haman is said to be older than Emeka Ojukwu Jnr but interestingly born by a Northerner. I assume Ikemba met her mother as a young man and sowed this seed quietly many years ago. Why he remained secretive about it we will never know now, since he has now returned to meet his ancestors. Ikemba's adventure may seem unusual to many people. To me, there are many more of such today in this country. Men with children outside their marriages who their spouses will never know about till the husband's will is read after his demise. Some think it is cowardly of a man to reveal his indiscretion only after his death. They argue that a real man should be man enough to face his spouse with the truth while he is alive. Why wait till you are dead when you can't tell your wife to her face that you haven't been as honest as you should have been? For another school of thought, it is a mark of respect. Respect for the woman he was married to during his life. If a man understands his wife does not handle such things very well and she's happy in her not-knowing, the home is working and life is good, why divulge such weighty information? Its easy to quickly judge the man as being dishonest, after all, openness and honesty are the pillars of a good marriage but can women actually handle this openness they seek? If a man believes his actions would hurt his wife gravely and betray her trust in him, do we vilify him for holding her in such regard?

 

Ikemba also disowned Mr Sylvester Ojukwu. He was not gracious enough to tell his family members why he did that. This also got me thinking. Why wait till after death to tell Sylvester he's not your child? Ikemba struck me as a fearless man. There's a popular Yoruba adage that says only a mother knows the real father of her child. Was Ikemba privy to some information about his supposed son while he was alive? There are two things here in my view. The first is if Ojukwu always knew he was not the biological father but continued training Sylvester, which would be noble in my view. The second is if Sylvester is indeed a biological scion but probably had a fall-out with his late father that continued till death or at least to the last revision of the will. If the latter is true, then I think Ojukwu may have gone overboard with his pronouncement. While I believe he totally reserves the right to decide who inherits what, I do not believe proclaiming a supposed son a 'bastard' is the way to go. I'm not saying he should have willed any part of his estate to Sylvester, I am saying he could have simply said 'to my son Sylvester Ojukwu,I leave no part of my estate' rather than totally expunging him as an offspring. That must really hurt.

 

I have my reservations for some aspects of the African tradition. I do not appreciate leaving a widow to suffer while her husband's relatives squander the 'spoils of war'. This is why I am happy for Bianca that her late husband was smart enough to prepare a functional and viable will. It is no longer news that she was undoubtedly the biggest beneficiary of Ojukwu's estate. In an African setting where the late husband had adult sons, it would have been pretty difficult flexing muscles with them for a chunk of their father's estate, especially since she is a step-mother. Ikemba has saved her a lot of stress no doubt. Already, there are rumours that the family smell a rat with the sizable chunk Bianca inherited. They say they may contest the will in the court of law. Money, the Bible says, is the root of all evil. I suspect the members of Ojukwu's family may soon learn this first hand. While I'm glad Bianca won't be left empty-handed, I think her public display of 'victory' as if it were some boxing match with Ojukwu's older children isn't very nice. She's now an Ambassador to Spain, under this current administration, such an appointment is likely to assure you of a secure future at old age.

 

Ojukwu's will has shown even the Ojukwus that blood may not be as thick as water after all. Ojukwu's family and their haggling isn't entirely strange. Family members are related till money creeps into the picture. I know of many Nigerian families, directly and remotely, that have been torn apart following the demise of the head of that family. Human greed transcends blood and African extended families show their real colours at such times. Unfortunately, polygamy worsens the outlook in Nigeria. The children grow up competing for everything with their step-siblings including their parents' estate.

 

Life is more than material wealth. We must remind ourselves everyday that we brought nothing to this life and we will take nothing. Bianca has inherited many things. If, God forbids, something happened to her tomorrow, all the wrangling won't count for anything.

 

May God help us.

Policing The Nigerian Way

It's that time of the year again. Police delegates from the different parts of the world converge in a city to discuss new trends in crime management and effective policing under the aegis of the United Nations Development Program (UNDP). This year, the historic city of Stockholm is hosting over 700 policemen and women, nominated to represent their various countries. These brave men and women will be rubbing minds for the next week or so on policing- challenges, new trends in crime prevention, response time and intelligence/information gathering.

Clad in an array of uniforms, the delegates slowly reported to the conference venue, many visiting Sweden for the very first time. They were going to be lodged here for about a week and it was looking like a totally packed 5 or so days ahead. Conference registration and assignment of rooms went on briskly as the hall was pervaded by the cacophony of foreign languages. Delegates turned up from six continents. The sight was remarkable.

Enter Assistant Superintendent of Police Abu Okorie, Sergeant Ime Umar and Corporal Ade Kano. They are the three delegates from the Nigerian Police Force. The conference was specific in asking for delegates not higher than the rank of an ASP or its equivalent. They were the 'lucky' tourists sent from the Police Headquarters in Abuja.

Following the brief welcome activities, the delegates got down to the crux of their convergence. At the end of every day's address by the keynote speakers, an interactive session took place. Here, a panel with 2 of the representatives of a country from each continent was set up and they took general questions from the house on the mode of operations of their national police system. It was now day 3, the turn of the Nigerian Police. With them are the London Metropolitan Police, their counterparts from Canada, Australia, Uruguay and Singapore.

And the session starts...

Moderator: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I do hope you've enjoyed your stay so far? We will now begin our session with our colleagues from Canada, Uruguay, United Kingdom, Nigeria, Australia and last but certainly, not least, Singapore. A round of applause please!

Cpl Kano quickly whispers to Sgt Umar. 'Oga, I think say them say na Supo and below dey come this place?'

Sgt Umar replies 'my brother, I tire o. Na wetin me sef wan ask you. See as them kack like say we dey go see Obama!'

'Oga, you mean say na our mates be all this people wey dey here so! Chineke!' replies Cpl Kano.

'Sharrap my friend! Are you are learner?' retorts Umar as the first question is thrown to the panel.

Moderator: Practically, tell us how you would react to a gridlock on a major road in a commercial city on a typical working day.

London Met Police: Well, we have that a lot on the M5 on weekdays. What we do is park nearby and contact the city traffic division to tell us available alternative routes while we try to ensure the smooth flow of traffic. We get to the radio stations also to enlighten motorists on possible diversions to avoid the gridlock while we encourage those who can take these routes to do so. Occasionally, we have to pacify frayed nerves as we understand these gridlocks can be demanding on any human being. We apologize to them for these bottlenecks and ensure everyone gets moving as soon as possible.

Australia: Yes, we have that also. We also try to contact the traffic division to ensure traffic lights do not contribute to slowing traffic. We do this via direct satellite imaging to see what routes are not busy at peak periods to divert traffic through such. The ambulance services are also notified as temperatures climb as high as 150 sometimes in Perth. We do this in case of heath strokes and other emergencies that may arise from sitting in the heat for so long.

Nigeria (Umar): Hmmmm...Well...for our side...this type of thing happens well well. It is very easy. We will on our siren and clear the road then we can pass. If that one does not work, we send two men down to the junction and stop all the cars. You see, we have to be very fast, those motorists are baggers! Once they allow our vehicle pass, we go away from there. When they are tired, they'll come down and use their senses. The London man said he will apologize. What for? Na me cause the hold-up?

Moderator: So, you mean, you'll just drive off?

Umar: Haba, Oga Speaker, this kind of questions. You want to rope me in?

Moderator: Apologies Sir. We'll move on. Now, a crime has been reported to the station. A lady says her car is missing on her street. How would you proceed?

Uruguay: Well, we get that often too. We send a patrol vehicle to the area. We interview the complainant and scan the area for possible leads. We talk to business owners in the vicinity who may have noticed strange or suspicious movements. We also send out the particulars of the car to all our officers to be on the look-out. We contact the insurance companies to be certain they are aware of the theft.

Singapore: Car theft is exceptionally low in our country. As you are aware we have a strong economy with almost no unemployment rate. If we did have such, we would immediately begin a GPS tracking of the said automobile. As a policy, cars plying our roads must possess GPS tracking system. This makes the recovery hassle-free but like I said before, we hardly have such.

Nigeria (Kano): Well, that one is not hard! What we do is, we go to the area where the car disappeared after the owner writes statement at the police station. When our DPO approves after the owner has 'seen' him, we will visit them there. We pack all the boys on that street. Touts! By the time we finish with them, they will talk. You can't be laughing with these criminals o! You must deal with them.

Moderator: I'm not sure the house understands you Sir. Could you expatiate? When you say 'deal with them' and 'when you finish with them', what exactly do you mean?

Kano: Yes na. We throw them behind the counter for sometime while we allow the regulars to deal with them. When suffer wan kill them, dem go talk o!

The room is eerily quiet. Nobody knows for sure whether to applaud or remain quiet.

Moderator (clears throat): Errr...Okay...Moving on. Next question. A suspect is on the run on foot after snatching a purse from an old lady. You are the closest cop in the vicinity. What do you do?

London: Well, we basically go after the suspect on foot. During pursuit, we radio other policemen and patrol teams in the area and also radio the central unit where a satellite mapping of the area is done. They tell us how we can box the suspect in. They inform us, via radio, of alleys, streets and other places once a visual image of the fleeing suspect is established. Usually, we try to outrun the suspect till he burns out and surrender or get close enough to use a stun gun to temporarily incapacitate the suspect and then apprehend.

Canada: We also use our canine unit. As we know, the dogs are a lot faster than we humans so they are trained to bring down a fleeing suspect and keep these suspects down till a policeman arrives at the scene to make the arrest. The canine unit also ensures we do not lose the fleeing suspect as they are able to track the scents even without visual contact.

Nigeria (Okorie): Fire! Fire him. If you fire five times, no how, one must hit him. He's a vagabond!

Moderator: Fire? As in live ammunition?

Okorie: Oga, na wah for you o! You wan make I dey pursue am? You dey see my belle at all. Oga time no dey for that one o! Fire am jare! He'a a bloody fool!

Moderator (now bewildered): Oh Wow! This is rather interesting Sir. Let's just move on please. Say you are in the vicinity and you hear sporadic gun fire in a civilian environment. How would you respond?

London: First off, you must call it in. You must state your exact location and the time you have heard this gunshot. You must also state your line of action and call for back-up as you try to close in on the direction of the shot. Usually, we have partners while on patrol so we try to localize the shot and depending on what we find, either wait for back-up or engage if we believe the culprits can be...

Mr Abu Okorie cuts in...'See this man! O boy! You wan die? Bros, if you hear gunshot, first thing is to find a covered place. Then determine if the gunshot is from a Dane gun or an automatic. If it is a rifle, is it Mack 4 or Mack 5 or AK-47? After this, calm down till the shooting stops then go there like after an hour. The robbers would have left. Oga, bullet is no respecter of person o! YOLO o!!!'

The whole room is now particularly interested in the Nigerian delegation and instantly forget the panel has other nationalities. These were the stars of the day.

Moderator (to the Nigerians): You are the patrol officer at a local diner when two men engage themselves in a brawl. What do you do?

Umar: Like them dey fight? Na to woz them o. Put them for van. By the time you handle them, the fight will leave their body. Take them to the station, on the way there, the one wey get sense go negotiate him bail. The other one wey dey form go enter counter. By the time, hand touch am, he go gentle.

Moderator: Oh Okay, so you give them the opportunity to speak to a Judge to set bail?

Okorie (laughs): We be the Judge o. Na we go set the bail for inside van there. If not, if he reach station, story go change o!

Moderator: Say a pet has been reported missing to you...

Umar: Pet as how?

Moderator: Errr, say a dog, for instance.

The three Nigerian officers burst out in laughter.

Okorie: Oga, as you see us, we be like we no get work? If your dog loss, go find your thing na. If you waste our time with that kind of thing, wallai, we will charge you for gross abuse of privilege and attempt to waste the time of an officer of the law.

Moderator: I see...What if you are present when a motorist is about to make an illegal turn on a road? What would your reaction be?

London: Sorry, but that's straightforward. You simply stop the motorist and tell him turns are not allowed there especially in the event there's no warning road sign to that effect...

Kano: Oga, you no wan chop. Leave the bagger, make he turn. Wait for him on the other side after he turns. Google 'New Lagos Traffic Laws'. Thank God for our action Governor. Our pension plan is now secure. Na wetin we dey take chop now o!

Moderator: Good thing you mentioned pension. Let's talk about remuneration. How's that in Nigeria.

Okorie: Chai, very poor o! If not for our daily Okada and Danfo taxes, wallai, hunger would have shown us pepper. Even if they come in squeezed twenty Naira notes, at all-at all na hin bad!

Moderator: You mean you collect bribes?

Umar: God forbid! We will charge you for conspiracy to rope an officer of the law. We know the law!

Moderator: I see. Let's talk about interrogations and information gathering. How's that down there. Like you have a suspect and you need to get information about a crime.

Kano: Chai, Oga, you need to visit Panti. That's their specialty. Information is small sef. By the time they touch him, he'll tell you more than you want to hear.

Moderator: I assume you mean torture. Has it occurred to you that a confession obtained under duress is null and void?

Okorie: Na you know that one o! Confession na confession.

Moderator: How are extrajudicial killings in Nigeria?

Umar: They are fine, thank you.

Moderator: I mean, what are the rates like? Reports say they are quite high.

Kano: They will be high na. Them no dey hear word for that country. If anyone tries you, fire am! Call am accidental discharge. Clear their doubts!

Moderator: Don't you give account of your ammo?

Okorie: Taa! For wetin? We are professionals and do you know our motto is 'the Police is your friend?'

Moderator: Oh I see, so it may be true that armed robbers occasionally turn up with your hardware?

Umar: Oga, na you know that one o!

Moderator: How do you talk down a man who threatens to jump down a bridge or a building?

Okorie: Just shout 'if you don't jump, your father is a bastard!'. Oga, I be like Reverend Father for your eyes? If he wants to  jump, he should go ahead!

Moderator: Do you get regular mental state examinations for those of you carrying firearms?

Kano: Are you saying we are mad?

Moderator: How is your bomb disposal unit?

Umar: Oga, na only metal detector o! My friend was blown up in Kaduna sometime this year sef. Na IED kill am.

Moderator turns to the house. Everybody in the auditorium looks befuddled. This had to be a joke, they all thought.

The Moderator quickly brings out his phone and types a message to his friends and family. It read 'Never visit Nigeria'

He had heard enough!

Chinua, Nigeria & Old Wounds

A lot has been said about Professor Chinua Achebe's new publication titled 'There Was A Country'. I have heard many trite remarks from different people depending on what part of the country they are from. I have not read the book. I have however seen excerpts from it. I am not a professional book reviewer or critic so I'll leave such intricacies to the Chimamanda Adichies.

For those who have no idea what the book is about, it is basically Achebe's account of the July 1967 Civil War. He talks about his early life while growing up and also explores the immediate and remote events around the war. He is also perceived by many to have pointed fingers at certain people as being responsible for a calculated extermination of the Igbo race by starvation. The Civil War, from what I have read, was responsible for the loss of close to three million lives via hunger and disease. It will infinitely remain significant in the annals of Nigerian history.

Following the release of Achebe's book, many people hurled invectives at the sage for what they claim is a misplaced and mis-timed accusation. Some Yoruba people think it was unfair of him to finger Chief Obafemi Awolowo in what Achebe termed a vile genocide of his kinsmen. On the other hand, some Igbo people think Achebe spoke what has been on their minds for some time now. They are obviously still embittered by the role the Westerners played during the Civil War. Most of the people throwing missiles at each other on social media were not even born in 1967 when the war broke out. They are just as passionate, notwithstanding. There is a good reason for this.

Nigeria is a box of dynamites. Dynamites all wired together in a wooden box. All, Nigeria seeks is just a strike of a matchstick or a spark. Ethnicity is one of those sparks. Second only, if at all, to religion. Nigerians do not need an invitation to jump into any brouhaha that seeks to lord a tribe over the other. Not only will Nigerians jump into the fracas, they will do so with their daggers and spears. Ethnic bigotry, in its ugliest and crudest form.

Personally, I do not care about what was written and what wasn't by Achebe. I have never met Professor Achebe, but I have read of how he turned down National Merit Awards twice to express his disgust at how the country was being run and his sheer contempt for the Federal Government. The same awards given to courtesans, sycophants and cronies of the government of the day. At a time when praise-singers who lack integrity are exalted for nothingness, the erudite poet stood by his principles and sent the emissaries of government on their way with a bilious taste in their mouth. It won't be presumptuous to think Professor Achebe is of a very sound mind and an even sounder character by this action. In a society that is completely arid of any character and selflessness, such uprightness should count for something.

I am Yoruba, at least to the best of my knowledge. Chief Obafemi Awolowo died when I was just 4 years old. I can tell her was a remarkable Yoruba leader, judging by the number of edifices and monuments christened in his honour and memory. A University, several roads (both Federal and State), Parks, a Stadium, Libraries, Schools and Marketplaces all named after him. He was Premier of Western Nigeria for six years and at the time of the war was  the Federal Commissioner of Finance. Many say the government as a whole, and not Awolowo singly, was responsible for the food blockade. Others say, it was Ojukwu's pigheadedness that was responsible as the Nigerian government genuinely offered to ensure food entered Biafra.

Obafemi Awolowo was a seasoned politician. I still don't fully understand his politics but apparently he was an advocate of free education and health for the masses. The poor loved him. The Bible says the poor will always be amongst us but did it really mean this many poor people? Awo was loved because there were too many poor people at the time. My question is this; why were there so many poor people? I choose to believe that Nigeria missed it at from ground zero. There was something awfully wrong in our foundation. People loved M.K.O Abiola too. This does not confer sainthood on any of them. Houseflies are naturally drawn to faeces just as rats are to garbage. That's simply Nature. Philanthropy will naturally endear anyone to the poor.

In as much as I wasn't born during the era of Awolowo's political career, I have seen his 'disciples'. The sworn Awoists. They claim they are staunch scions of Awolowo not just in terms of political ideologies but also in dressing and talking. So much so, they wear similar round rimmed glasses and the short cap Awolowo was known for. I must however state now that if this is the same Awoism that Chief Obafemi propagated in the 50s and 60s, then something has gone wrong in history. Chief Bola Ahmed Tinubu sings of Awoism like a hummingbird on heat in the mating season. He needs to tell us if Awo too shackled his constituency financially and ruled like a glorified area-boy. I don't know Awolowo but I know Awoists and the word 'free' does not exist in the vocabulary of these Awoists.

One thing I appreciate about the book 'There Was A Country' is that we are again reminded of the reasons why Nigeria is in such dire state. The book shows us we have not even begun our journey to redemption as our bus plummets down the abyss of perdition. We are reminded by Achebe that just as Nigeria was not one in 1967 so she has remained divided in 2012. We have in fact dwindled in developmental milestones. If after all these years, Igbos and Yorubas still haggle over who did what and when during a war that claimed three million NIGERIAN lives then we obviously still have a lot to learn. We need to stop deceiving ourselves. We are simply not one.

In medicine, there's something called a 'test dose'. Here, a drug that is known to be notorious for causing severe adverse reactions in majority of patients is administered in minute quantity over a small area of the body. This is done to see the localized reaction before exposing the entire body to the full adult dose of the drug. If the localized administration is well tolerated, there's a high chance that the systemic exposure would also be tolerable. In my opinion, 'There Was A Country' was a test dose administered by the sage himself in the person of Chinua Achebe. We did not tolerate that test dose. We, as a matter of fact, failed woefully. Maybe if after the book was released, the Yorubas weren't so defensive as to why Achebe went after their supposed founding founder (Awolowo) and if the Igbos didn't sound like they were confrontational in their assertions. Maybe if the Yorubas had simply been the 'bigger people' and offered a white flag instead of going after Achebe and if the Igbos had genuinely buried the ghosts of Biafra and simply said 'Let's move forward!'

Truth is, we are still very bitter about the events of 1969. We have not forgiven each other. You forgive first before it occurs to you to forget. A house divided against it-self will not stand and Nigeria is divided. My assertion has always been that Nigeria suffers from a severe form of autoimmune disease where the body's cells wage war against that same body. It's a simple form of implosion where they continue to damage the containing body forgetting, albeit stupidly, they are cells and they won't survive outside that body they are fighting hard to destroy. Chinua, Gowon, Odumegwu and Obafemi's generation fought a needless war. That generation successfully annihilated three million Nigerians. My generation just showed the world it is not better than this quickly depleting one. My generation just showed the entire world that we'll take more lives in the course of this marriage called Nigeria.

Now, let me remind you simpletons, who see themselves in terms of 'State of Origin'. That simpleton who deleted me from her BlackBerry because I was constantly and intensely critical of her kinsman occupying Aso Rock. Goodluck Jonathan was in government for years in Bayelsa and did Bayelsa improve? If it didn't, Bayelsans are the ones suffering, not the people from Adamawa. Gbenga Daniel stole from Ogun people, his own flesh and blood! He didn't steal Imo's money, just as Orji Uzor Kalu, James Ibori, Peter Odili and Lucky Igbinedion stole from the people of Abia, Delta, Rivers and Edo respectively. Their own people! It is inherent wickedness that we suffer from. Our ethnic bigotry won't get us anywhere. It hasn't in the past and it won't in the future. We'll continue to wallow in folly with our 'Na my brother' mentality. After corruption, it is the next bane of our existence as an entity. A Yoruba adage says ''The insect eating up the vegetable resides inside the vegetable''. Our problems are more domestic than systemic. We must fix ourselves before we can fix Nigeria. Dysfunctional people make dysfunctional societies.

Rather than reprehend Chinua Achebe, we should thank him. For showing us we only applied bandage over a chronic non-healing wound. That bandage has been in place for 42years. Underneath it is a rotting, fungating and terminally septic wound. It is not enough to drown ourselves in the charade of Nigeria's oneness. We are not one. The earlier we get that and fix it, the better for us.

If that wound fails to heal, we may require orthopaedic intervention in the form of an amputation if we do not desire a second Civil War.

That will be extremely shameful.

Love & Its Expression

'I have found that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love'-Mother Teresa

We have all been in love at some point in life. At least, we assumed it was love. You know that feeling that makes you think you can jump off Third Mainland Bridge and fly. The one, that gives you abdominal butterflies i.e. 'belle dey sweet you'. Yes, that feeling.

How and where that feeling ended is another question vis-a-vis whether you ended up marrying that fellow or you now hate the person's guts. For some, every New Year ushers in new species of butterflies in their tummies. For others, their tummies are now wildernesses, no form of life can thrive there, butterflies included. They are that damaged.

So, the general trend is that the young man overtly and overly expresses his undying love during the 'chase'. The Toasting phase. Where the Poet in every guy-man, comes alive. At this point, she's God's idea of perfection and he tells her this at every opportunity. He even shows it. If she's sad for any reason, he assures her she has a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear any time of the day. If she's hungry, he's eager to rush over with free lunch or dinner. If she needs to get downtown for anything, he clears out his already-planned, hitherto rigid, schedule to drive her down. The chase is a stage. Just like the butterfly she has in her tummy. I believe it is scientifically termed Metamorphosis. Everything is time bound. First, an egg, then the larva and pupa before the adult butterfly. Every butterfly was once an egg.

The girl is wooed and enthralled at this point. She believes the egg will remain an egg forever. At least, that much she hopes. Then, time and life begin to happen and suddenly, there's trouble in paradise.

Love is expressed in different ways by different people. What works for the left hand might not quite cut it for the right one. The things you do when expressing your love for your girlfriend may be perceived as 'retarded' by another guy-man. Different strokes for different folks.

So, the story is told of three regular Lagos omo-boys. They've all been dating their beautiful girlfriends for more than a year each. They all genuinely intend to consummate these journeys at the altar. Remarkably, each has a different modus-operandi for expressing his love for his partner.

The first is doting. Or so he claims and thinks. He is his idea of a good boyfriend. He does not cheat. He is fairly stable. No surprises. His itinerary at any given time T is fairly predictable. He leads a quiet and almost ascetic life. He is perceived to be too 'mushy' by his friends sometimes. They claim he is occasionally too liberal with his girlfriend and they wonder why he's so lily-livered and won't toughen up with her. He on the other hand, is quite tough but allows the girl use her discretion and initiative on a lot of issues. Sometimes, she takes this liberty for granted but manages not to breach the trust he has in her. He's very trusting, to a fault actually. He's from the medieval school of thought that believes you will not be cheated on if you don't cheat. He tells her he loves her and tries to show it by his actions. He consciously keeps his female acquaintances at safe distances. No dates, no outings alone with them. He believes she is central in his life and as precaution, tries not to  get close to any other females. He thinks he does it out of respect for her. Unfortunately, his girlfriend, who loves him too, is not an apostle of such exclusivity. She is not wayward, far from that. He just believes hanging out with other women might expose some inadequacies his girlfriend has and vice versa. He feels she might see his shortfalls too if she hangs with other guys, no matter how platonic. They are in love and that's how they express theirs.

The second is a little more indifferent. He loves his girlfriend but is an advocate of 'space'. He believes he should have space to hang out with other females when he wants without being hassled. He doesn't see anything wrong with each person getting time-out to enjoy the company of other people. It's platonic after all. She can also have lunch or dinner with other guys, as long as she knows where to draw the line. Apparently, it ensures the relationship does not get boring and mundane. He is also an 'options' man. He believes he's freelance until he says 'I Do' in the presence of God. He subconsciously keeps a line-up of back-up 'wife materials' should his current girlfriend decide she wants to walk. He believes ruffling her feathers will keep her on top of her game. The idea is that, she'll sit up and be a good girlfriend so long she knows there are other contenders for the throne of his last name. It seems to have worked well till date, she's immensely pliable but my worry is what happens when she reaches Promise-land? Will she remain as easy to manage? Be that as it may, their relationship is working and has worked so far, they are in love and that's how they express theirs.

The last but not least is a live-wire. A maverick. He is like a diamond in the fields of South Africa. Rough and uncut but very valuable. He insists he loves his girlfriend but he doesn't take 'nonsense' from her. He is an iron-fist and his own ideology is that women are who they are. Women! Give them an inch and they'll take a mile, so he doesn't even offer that luxury of an inch. She says where she's going, when she's going and with whom she's going. She gets upset every now and then and he doesn't even bother trying to appease her. He maintains that she is going to be his wife and now remains the best time for her to master the art of submission. He can be doting too. He's finicky about her welfare and you can tell he genuinely cares for her. She also knows this and she tries not to take it for granted. He however, believes a man should 'eat' outside. And he does. She suspects he cheats but has never really caught him with his hand in the cookie jar so she really doesn't trust him entirely. They once had an altercation and his palm somehow touched her right cheek. He was remorseful afterwards but insisted she at least now got the point. He was a man and was not given to being addressed any how! I reprimanded him for his action and urged him  not to allow himself be ever pushed to that point again. Still, their relationship is working and they are in love and that's how they express theirs.

Three different scenarios. Three different guys. Three different girls. The average Nigerian spiritually inclined girl who reads this will say these girls may be unequally yoked. They'll argue that they can't take this or that and that these girls had better not settle with such men. They will say their own boyfriends or husbands are so not like these ones described. Their husbands still buy them flowers, worship and adore them. I have seen many men like their husbands; they are the masters of the deception game. I have met men, whose wives will swear for, with their left breast and ovary, that they are faithful.

What really is the price of happiness? Does this perfect boyfriend or husband exist? Is the 'All or Nothing' bus really the best one to sit in? Does this 80:20 rule make any sense at all? Should you take the good with the not-so-good or just toss the baby out with the bath water? Of the three young men described above, if you were female, which would you date if you had the choice?

Saying 'I Love You' is now nothing but banality. We say it a lot, but do we really understand it? Can you love her more than you love yourself? Without looking like the 'maga'? Can she respect that selflessness and not trivialise it? Can she love you back that much and want the things you want simply because you want them and she trusts you?

Don't get it twisted. Love is hard! Like Heaven and all its roads adorned with gold, the road is narrow and rough and only a few tread that road. Finding it is easy; it's deciding to walk on that path that is hard.

Don't leave this page with your thoughts. Drop them in the comment box on your way out. I'll love to read them.

Dangote's Drivers

Globally, one of the best indices to assess the state of the economy of any country is the unemployment rate of that nation. It quickly tells a neutral observer how well a nation is faring in terms of quality of life and infrastructure.

A few weeks ago, Alhaji Aliko Dangote decided he needed a few truck drivers. He runs many factories across Nigeria and he felt he needed more hands in distributing his cement, flour, sugar and finished goods. So, he placed advertisements in the national dailies. To his amazement, he received 13,000 applications for the 100 slots he had to be fill. For a regular Nigerian who walks the streets of Lagos every day, you may not be entirely surprised that 13,000 people applied to fill 100 vacancies. Maybe that shocked Dangote, it won't shock a common man.

What will shock a common man however, is the fact that of this 13,000 applications, six were sent in by PhD holders and 704 by Masters degree holders. A total of 8,460 first degree holders also applied leaving just 3,830 applicants as SSCE holders and maybe those with primary education or informal education. This shocked me.

I used to have a lot of respect for PhD holders until a certain man from Bayelsa showed up. A PhD holder is a Doctor of Philosophy, one of the highest levels of educational achievement by any standard. To have not one but six Nigerian Doctors apply on their own volition to be Dangote's drivers is utterly baffling.

It may sound trivial to some. They'll wonder what the big deal is. Who cares as long as he pays his bills. For me, it is a big deal. Here is a man who spent some five or six years of his life, doing research and publishing papers. He has at least three post-secondary degrees on his resume. Can your mind comprehend the level of desperation such a man must have reached to have applied to be Dangote's truck driver? You think it's a joke? Life must have dealt severe and several blows for such a man to resign himself to fate that maybe, just maybe, his redemption was in Dangote's truck.

Proponents of the fact that many Nigerians are not true reflections of the degrees they bear certainly have a strong case. Our educational sector is in shambles and its unabated descent into the abyss of dereliction seems certain. Mr. President's thought process and decision making have certain lent credence to the school of thought that we produce half-baked -if baked at all- graduates. He, like many educated illiterates in Nigeria today, is a product of this decrepit educational system. On the other hand, I have met sound Nigerian graduates who exhibit exceptional depths of mind and character. They also passed through this supposedly ailing educational system. So, it begs the question, could it also be an individual thing? Are some PhD holders inherently bankrupt mentally? If they are, how did they formulate the thesis they put forward for their doctorate degree and even defend that thesis?

Dangote's vacancies also bring to the fore the alarming unemployment rate in the country at the moment. Pragmatically, if you are reading this, I am sure you know at least five young people looking for a job. Currently, they claim our unemployment rate in Nigeria is 21% even though Business Day recorded a rise in the rate from 21.1 to 23.9 in 2011. This rise was in spite of the Federal Government's YouWin and the recent SURE programs. One of the key issues in the build-up to today's elections in America has been what Americans term 'unacceptably high' unemployment rate. This rate was 7.9% in October 2012. That is their 'unacceptably high' rate.

Countries like Germany are the envy of America. They boast of unemployment rates around or less than 6%. Qatar's rate of 0.4%, U.A.E 2.4% and Singapore 2% are incredible. You don't need Einstein to tell you crime rate will be very low in those countries and life expectancy will be directly proportional. If Americans envy Germans, I wonder who Nigerians should envy.

We are not creating jobs because we have grounded our manufacturing sector. We import everything now, from toothpicks to apples to vehicles. Our manufacturing sector won't run till our power sector is overhauled and we reduce the cost of raw materials significantly. Nigeria is an expensive place to do business in. Ask Sir Richard Branson. Our policies do not support private sector participation. We pay lip service to wooing foreign investors when the country itself is in utter chaos. Businesses are moving to neighbouring West African countries where the costs of running businesses are significantly lower (Ghana now has an unemployment rate of 11%). Whichever sector you decide to invest in here, there's a bandwagon of pen-pushing armed robbers waiting to extort you, in the form of taxes and bribes.

Nigerian Presidents come and go just like the Governors. Each initiates one scheme or the other. Now, it's YouWin that is in vogue. What they have all failed to address is the underlying pathology in our infrastructure and economy. There will be many more of such schemes designed to empower the youth (and enrich the sycophants). Dangote will ask for more drivers in the future and believe it or not, more PhD holders will turn up at the interviews. The trend will continue just like Internet fraud, substance abuse, prison congestion and crime. The young people must engage in something, good or bad. The choice is ours.

Meanwhile, who knows how a young Nigerian Doctor can move, work and live in Singapore, Qatar or Germany?

As America Decides

In less than 24 hours, Americans will file out to elect their leader for the next four years. A lot of publicity has been given to the build-up and the election itself and I must say I was amazed - if not impressed- by the interest of young Americans and Nigerians in the whole process leading up to the elections.

When Barack Obama first contested four years ago, Nigerians were overly excited at the prospect of a black man leading the most powerful country in the world. We even organised fund-raisers for the man here in Lagos. I asked someone then if Obama becoming U.S President meant Nigerians would gain unfettered access into the innermost crevices of the White House. I even postulated at the time, that the Third Mainland Bridge and the Brooklyn Bridge would become adjacent with the emergence of Obama. Alas, four years after, Third Mainland remains as it was, except for the recent closure for renovation by my Federal Government. Obama is not black. Don't get it twisted.

So, in the build-up to tomorrow's election, there have been conventions, campaigns and debates. Thanks to satellite television, young Nigerians stay up all night to listen to American politicians. Again, I was fascinated by their keen interest in American politics. I began toying with the theories I had in 2008 about Obama's presidency and its subsequent impact on the welfare of the Nigerian youth. Why really are we so interested in the U.S Presidential elections? Why would a man with bilateral gangrene of his feet be interested in the colour of his neighbour's shoes? I wondered.

It then occurred to me, that we are desperate in this country. We cannot fathom how some earthlings got the calibre of Barack and Mitt as politicians and how another set got Ebele and his ilk. We are wondering which deity we offended that inflicted and afflicted us with Asiwaju and co. We are befuddled how the PDP has raped us savagely, literally and figuratively, for thirteen or so years. We watch how Americans file out, knowing without an iota of doubt that their votes would count and they guard that enfranchisement jealously. They know armed thugs won't turn up with their paraphernalia of grave bodily harm inflicting apparatus. They know one party chieftain won't be caught with stuffed ballot boxes or voters' cards obtained by distributing packs of Indomie noodles. Americans know they have a say. They have a say because they are respected  by their leaders.

Some weeks ago, Michelle Obama spoke at the Democratic National Convention, which I hear Asiwaju was privileged to have been'invited' to. The video of her speech went viral on the Internet. Her speech was astounding and I thought she was as elegant and gracious as ever. I hear she put in weeks of work into that speech. Why did she put in all the effort considering it was her husband who the eyes were on? That's RESPECT. She respects the minds of the Americans and she understands the importance of making indelible impressions on those sound minds. We also heard Bill Clinton speak. Articulate, informed, intelligent and inspiring as always. Another sign, that Americans are sound people. The man ruled them for eight years and after his speech, you could see his mandate then was not a fluke. He was and remains a remarkably brilliant man. He didn't need to bring his A-game to Barack's convention. After all, he had done his eight years as President and he really did not have much to lose apart from his wife probably losing her job as Secretary of State in the event that the Republicans won. But he brought more than his A-game, he brought his A-prime game and it was a sight to behold! Why? Respect for the average American mind.

We also avidly watched the three debates where Romney and Obama took each other to the cleaners on issues ranging from the economy to health care to foreign policies. We sat  and watched at wee hours of the morning. Even the chance of being utterly useless at our workplaces only a few hours later did not deter us. I didn't watch the debates but I caught excerpts of them later. As I listened to each man, I smiled. I smiled because the conviction with each spoke assured me, either way; Americans were not going to be short-changed. I really don't have a favourite. Personally, Obama's last four years has not directly impacted on my life in everyday Lagos. It didn't grant me automatic passage through JFK so I really can't be bothered if he won or lost at the polls tomorrow. I am however stupendously intrigued with the way and manner with which the two men address Americans. You can tell, they understand their fates lie in the hands of these 'commoners'. Again, that is respect.

Obama did not perform particularly well at the second debate, if I'm not mistaken. Or was it the first? I don't even care. What I know is that after he lost that debate, he admitted that he had some work to do and cancelled some campaign trips to work on his debating. That, I found immensely awesome. Even as incumbent, he knows he can't toy with his electorates. He knows he'll get the boot if he is perceived to be below par at any point. And boy, did he come out blazing in the next debate. That is respect for his people.

From Obama to Paul Ryan to Joe Biden to Romney, even their spouses, we see a depressingly glaring variant from what prevails around this region. After I watched clips of all the speakers at the conventions and campaigns, I was convinced that Nigeria would thrive under any of them. Obama and Romney are long-shots because as far as I am concerned Michelle or Biden will rule Nigeria very well. If you are in doubt, listen to Ebele give a speech. If you manage to listen till the end without cursing or sleeping off, then you are ripe for marriage.

I have decided to desist from wasting my thoughts on Ebele. I am one of the few who have actually written him off. All I'm hoping is that we ride the storm till 2015 and hope that by some miracle or natural disaster, he vacates Aso Rock. Ebele's speeches are dull, insolent and indolent. I dare say I've heard better speeches at funerals as elegies. His are utterly uninspiring and are products of the worse form of mental laziness. Hitherto, Ebele read from sheets of paper and made us wonder how on Earth he bagged a PhD, and then his cronies introduced him to the teleprompter. That had to be their greatest undoing. In medical circles, Ebele's eyes would have been best described as 'pupils fixed and dilated'. He looked like he had just finished indulging himself in expired heroine and then applied Glaucoma eye-drops. I was flabbergasted. It predictably didn't improve the quality of his speech. I assume a depressed Nigerian contemplating suicide by hanging before that speech would have eagerly shot himself in the head shortly after listening to Ebele.

Then, let's examine Michelle's oratory prowess as a First Lady in comparison with Dame. Okay, maybe we shouldn't. Maybe that's not such a good idea. Let's just move on.

Prior to April 2011 elections, debates were organized to enable the electorates get a feel of what each candidate had to offer, just like Obama did with Romney. On the day of the debate, the incumbent Nigerian President did not show up. He didn't send any apologies either. He simply ignored us. Instead, he got D'Banj, who from his lyrics we can tell, is still mentally stuck in nursery school at 32, to interview him. While fellow contestants were busy articulating their plans for Nigeria on live television, D'Banj & Ebele were busy shouting 'Hmmm, no long thing' over bottles of Johnnie Walker at the Villa. Yet, we voted for him. Life is fair, what you get is what you've earned. Ebele is what we earned as a people.

Obama and Romney have held positions of authority as politicians before they thought of the White House. Mitt Romney governed Massachusetts for four years between 2003 and 2007 and the word on the street is that he refused his salary of $135,000 as Governor and went on achieve surpluses of over $500 million as income for the State in his last two years. Obama became a State Senator in 1996 and moved on to the U.S Senate in 2005 to represent Illinois. Alone, he sponsored 137 bills in the Senate in 3years. There are others he cosponsored and his stint in the Senate was remarkable. These men had been in evolution for many years, they had been beaten into shape and they had acquired leadership skills. They were committed to the American people.

Ebele was Deputy Governor of Bayelsa. Did we ask him what he achieved before he was promoted to Governor? No, we didn't. He became Governor in 2005 and ruled for two years before he became Vice President. Did we ask him what he achieved for Bayelsa State before we moved him to Aguda House? No, we didn't! He was Vice President between 2oo7 and 2010 before fate struck and we didn't have a choice. He was thrust upon us by the demise of the President and constitutionally had to be sworn in. It was an impressive run. Who says mediocrity can't get you that far? Amazingly, when we had the chance to ask him what he did as President for over a year that made him deserving of a full term of his own, he ignored us and went on his charade with D'Banj. Again, we did not ask him questions. He told us he had no shoes, we pitied him and now he owns Bata, the shoe factory.

Until Nigerian politicians respect their citizens, things will not change. Until Nigerians demand to be respected, we will remain here. We can organize fasting and prayers from now till Jesus returns, we will only lose weight, our decrepit state will become even worse.

It is a long and dark path to redemption. A path we will only tread when we are ready to take our destinies in our hands.

Tomorrow, a fine gentleman will either vacate or assume the Oval Office. Its a win-win situation for America. I won't wish Americans the best, they already have that. I will only wish Obama and Romney the best as America decides.

I will however implore Americans, to kindly send the loser over. No shame! I'll gladly take the second best man. Nigeria needs him. Like yesterday!

Don't leave the page with your thoughts on this issue. Kindly drop them in the comment box. I'll love to read them.