Clad in an array of uniforms, the delegates slowly reported to the conference venue, many visiting Sweden for the very first time. They were going to be lodged here for about a week and it was looking like a totally packed 5 or so days ahead. Conference registration and assignment of rooms went on briskly as the hall was pervaded by the cacophony of foreign languages. Delegates turned up from six continents. The sight was remarkable.Enter Assistant Superintendent of Police Abu Okorie, Sergeant Ime Umar and Corporal Ade Kano. They are the three delegates from the Nigerian Police Force. The conference was specific in asking for delegates not higher than the rank of an ASP or its equivalent. They were the 'lucky' tourists sent from the Police Headquarters in Abuja.
Following the brief welcome activities, the delegates got down to the crux of their convergence. At the end of every day's address by the keynote speakers, an interactive session took place. Here, a panel with 2 of the representatives of a country from each continent was set up and they took general questions from the house on the mode of operations of their national police system. It was now day 3, the turn of the Nigerian Police. With them are the London Metropolitan Police, their counterparts from Canada, Australia, Uruguay and Singapore.
And the session starts...
Moderator: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I do hope you've enjoyed your stay so far? We will now begin our session with our colleagues from Canada, Uruguay, United Kingdom, Nigeria, Australia and last but certainly, not least, Singapore. A round of applause please!
Cpl Kano quickly whispers to Sgt Umar. 'Oga, I think say them say na Supo and below dey come this place?'
Sgt Umar replies 'my brother, I tire o. Na wetin me sef wan ask you. See as them kack like say we dey go see Obama!'
'Oga, you mean say na our mates be all this people wey dey here so! Chineke!' replies Cpl Kano.
'Sharrap my friend! Are you are learner?' retorts Umar as the first question is thrown to the panel.
Moderator: Practically, tell us how you would react to a gridlock on a major road in a commercial city on a typical working day.
London Met Police: Well, we have that a lot on the M5 on weekdays. What we do is park nearby and contact the city traffic division to tell us available alternative routes while we try to ensure the smooth flow of traffic. We get to the radio stations also to enlighten motorists on possible diversions to avoid the gridlock while we encourage those who can take these routes to do so. Occasionally, we have to pacify frayed nerves as we understand these gridlocks can be demanding on any human being. We apologize to them for these bottlenecks and ensure everyone gets moving as soon as possible.
Australia: Yes, we have that also. We also try to contact the traffic division to ensure traffic lights do not contribute to slowing traffic. We do this via direct satellite imaging to see what routes are not busy at peak periods to divert traffic through such. The ambulance services are also notified as temperatures climb as high as 150 sometimes in Perth. We do this in case of heath strokes and other emergencies that may arise from sitting in the heat for so long.
Nigeria (Umar): Hmmmm...Well...for our side...this type of thing happens well well. It is very easy. We will on our siren and clear the road then we can pass. If that one does not work, we send two men down to the junction and stop all the cars. You see, we have to be very fast, those motorists are baggers! Once they allow our vehicle pass, we go away from there. When they are tired, they'll come down and use their senses. The London man said he will apologize. What for? Na me cause the hold-up?
Moderator: So, you mean, you'll just drive off?
Umar: Haba, Oga Speaker, this kind of questions. You want to rope me in?
Moderator: Apologies Sir. We'll move on. Now, a crime has been reported to the station. A lady says her car is missing on her street. How would you proceed?
Uruguay: Well, we get that often too. We send a patrol vehicle to the area. We interview the complainant and scan the area for possible leads. We talk to business owners in the vicinity who may have noticed strange or suspicious movements. We also send out the particulars of the car to all our officers to be on the look-out. We contact the insurance companies to be certain they are aware of the theft.
Singapore: Car theft is exceptionally low in our country. As you are aware we have a strong economy with almost no unemployment rate. If we did have such, we would immediately begin a GPS tracking of the said automobile. As a policy, cars plying our roads must possess GPS tracking system. This makes the recovery hassle-free but like I said before, we hardly have such.
Nigeria (Kano): Well, that one is not hard! What we do is, we go to the area where the car disappeared after the owner writes statement at the police station. When our DPO approves after the owner has 'seen' him, we will visit them there. We pack all the boys on that street. Touts! By the time we finish with them, they will talk. You can't be laughing with these criminals o! You must deal with them.
Moderator: I'm not sure the house understands you Sir. Could you expatiate? When you say 'deal with them' and 'when you finish with them', what exactly do you mean?
Kano: Yes na. We throw them behind the counter for sometime while we allow the regulars to deal with them. When suffer wan kill them, dem go talk o!
The room is eerily quiet. Nobody knows for sure whether to applaud or remain quiet.
Moderator (clears throat): Errr...Okay...Moving on. Next question. A suspect is on the run on foot after snatching a purse from an old lady. You are the closest cop in the vicinity. What do you do?
London: Well, we basically go after the suspect on foot. During pursuit, we radio other policemen and patrol teams in the area and also radio the central unit where a satellite mapping of the area is done. They tell us how we can box the suspect in. They inform us, via radio, of alleys, streets and other places once a visual image of the fleeing suspect is established. Usually, we try to outrun the suspect till he burns out and surrender or get close enough to use a stun gun to temporarily incapacitate the suspect and then apprehend.
Canada: We also use our canine unit. As we know, the dogs are a lot faster than we humans so they are trained to bring down a fleeing suspect and keep these suspects down till a policeman arrives at the scene to make the arrest. The canine unit also ensures we do not lose the fleeing suspect as they are able to track the scents even without visual contact.
Nigeria (Okorie): Fire! Fire him. If you fire five times, no how, one must hit him. He's a vagabond!
Moderator: Fire? As in live ammunition?
Okorie: Oga, na wah for you o! You wan make I dey pursue am? You dey see my belle at all. Oga time no dey for that one o! Fire am jare! He'a a bloody fool!
Moderator (now bewildered): Oh Wow! This is rather interesting Sir. Let's just move on please. Say you are in the vicinity and you hear sporadic gun fire in a civilian environment. How would you respond?
London: First off, you must call it in. You must state your exact location and the time you have heard this gunshot. You must also state your line of action and call for back-up as you try to close in on the direction of the shot. Usually, we have partners while on patrol so we try to localize the shot and depending on what we find, either wait for back-up or engage if we believe the culprits can be...
Mr Abu Okorie cuts in...'See this man! O boy! You wan die? Bros, if you hear gunshot, first thing is to find a covered place. Then determine if the gunshot is from a Dane gun or an automatic. If it is a rifle, is it Mack 4 or Mack 5 or AK-47? After this, calm down till the shooting stops then go there like after an hour. The robbers would have left. Oga, bullet is no respecter of person o! YOLO o!!!'
The whole room is now particularly interested in the Nigerian delegation and instantly forget the panel has other nationalities. These were the stars of the day.
Moderator (to the Nigerians): You are the patrol officer at a local diner when two men engage themselves in a brawl. What do you do?
Umar: Like them dey fight? Na to woz them o. Put them for van. By the time you handle them, the fight will leave their body. Take them to the station, on the way there, the one wey get sense go negotiate him bail. The other one wey dey form go enter counter. By the time, hand touch am, he go gentle.
Moderator: Oh Okay, so you give them the opportunity to speak to a Judge to set bail?
Okorie (laughs): We be the Judge o. Na we go set the bail for inside van there. If not, if he reach station, story go change o!
Moderator: Say a pet has been reported missing to you...
Umar: Pet as how?
Moderator: Errr, say a dog, for instance.
The three Nigerian officers burst out in laughter.
Okorie: Oga, as you see us, we be like we no get work? If your dog loss, go find your thing na. If you waste our time with that kind of thing, wallai, we will charge you for gross abuse of privilege and attempt to waste the time of an officer of the law.
Moderator: I see...What if you are present when a motorist is about to make an illegal turn on a road? What would your reaction be?
London: Sorry, but that's straightforward. You simply stop the motorist and tell him turns are not allowed there especially in the event there's no warning road sign to that effect...
Kano: Oga, you no wan chop. Leave the bagger, make he turn. Wait for him on the other side after he turns. Google 'New Lagos Traffic Laws'. Thank God for our action Governor. Our pension plan is now secure. Na wetin we dey take chop now o!
Moderator: Good thing you mentioned pension. Let's talk about remuneration. How's that in Nigeria.
Okorie: Chai, very poor o! If not for our daily Okada and Danfo taxes, wallai, hunger would have shown us pepper. Even if they come in squeezed twenty Naira notes, at all-at all na hin bad!
Moderator: You mean you collect bribes?
Umar: God forbid! We will charge you for conspiracy to rope an officer of the law. We know the law!
Moderator: I see. Let's talk about interrogations and information gathering. How's that down there. Like you have a suspect and you need to get information about a crime.
Kano: Chai, Oga, you need to visit Panti. That's their specialty. Information is small sef. By the time they touch him, he'll tell you more than you want to hear.
Moderator: I assume you mean torture. Has it occurred to you that a confession obtained under duress is null and void?
Okorie: Na you know that one o! Confession na confession.
Moderator: How are extrajudicial killings in Nigeria?
Umar: They are fine, thank you.
Moderator: I mean, what are the rates like? Reports say they are quite high.
Kano: They will be high na. Them no dey hear word for that country. If anyone tries you, fire am! Call am accidental discharge. Clear their doubts!
Moderator: Don't you give account of your ammo?
Okorie: Taa! For wetin? We are professionals and do you know our motto is 'the Police is your friend?'
Moderator: Oh I see, so it may be true that armed robbers occasionally turn up with your hardware?
Umar: Oga, na you know that one o!
Moderator: How do you talk down a man who threatens to jump down a bridge or a building?
Okorie: Just shout 'if you don't jump, your father is a bastard!'. Oga, I be like Reverend Father for your eyes? If he wants to jump, he should go ahead!
Moderator: Do you get regular mental state examinations for those of you carrying firearms?
Kano: Are you saying we are mad?
Moderator: How is your bomb disposal unit?
Umar: Oga, na only metal detector o! My friend was blown up in Kaduna sometime this year sef. Na IED kill am.
Moderator turns to the house. Everybody in the auditorium looks befuddled. This had to be a joke, they all thought.
The Moderator quickly brings out his phone and types a message to his friends and family. It read 'Never visit Nigeria'
He had heard enough!
Lmao.Wole o nice one
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