Love & Its Expression

'I have found that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love'-Mother Teresa

We have all been in love at some point in life. At least, we assumed it was love. You know that feeling that makes you think you can jump off Third Mainland Bridge and fly. The one, that gives you abdominal butterflies i.e. 'belle dey sweet you'. Yes, that feeling.

How and where that feeling ended is another question vis-a-vis whether you ended up marrying that fellow or you now hate the person's guts. For some, every New Year ushers in new species of butterflies in their tummies. For others, their tummies are now wildernesses, no form of life can thrive there, butterflies included. They are that damaged.

So, the general trend is that the young man overtly and overly expresses his undying love during the 'chase'. The Toasting phase. Where the Poet in every guy-man, comes alive. At this point, she's God's idea of perfection and he tells her this at every opportunity. He even shows it. If she's sad for any reason, he assures her she has a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear any time of the day. If she's hungry, he's eager to rush over with free lunch or dinner. If she needs to get downtown for anything, he clears out his already-planned, hitherto rigid, schedule to drive her down. The chase is a stage. Just like the butterfly she has in her tummy. I believe it is scientifically termed Metamorphosis. Everything is time bound. First, an egg, then the larva and pupa before the adult butterfly. Every butterfly was once an egg.

The girl is wooed and enthralled at this point. She believes the egg will remain an egg forever. At least, that much she hopes. Then, time and life begin to happen and suddenly, there's trouble in paradise.

Love is expressed in different ways by different people. What works for the left hand might not quite cut it for the right one. The things you do when expressing your love for your girlfriend may be perceived as 'retarded' by another guy-man. Different strokes for different folks.

So, the story is told of three regular Lagos omo-boys. They've all been dating their beautiful girlfriends for more than a year each. They all genuinely intend to consummate these journeys at the altar. Remarkably, each has a different modus-operandi for expressing his love for his partner.

The first is doting. Or so he claims and thinks. He is his idea of a good boyfriend. He does not cheat. He is fairly stable. No surprises. His itinerary at any given time T is fairly predictable. He leads a quiet and almost ascetic life. He is perceived to be too 'mushy' by his friends sometimes. They claim he is occasionally too liberal with his girlfriend and they wonder why he's so lily-livered and won't toughen up with her. He on the other hand, is quite tough but allows the girl use her discretion and initiative on a lot of issues. Sometimes, she takes this liberty for granted but manages not to breach the trust he has in her. He's very trusting, to a fault actually. He's from the medieval school of thought that believes you will not be cheated on if you don't cheat. He tells her he loves her and tries to show it by his actions. He consciously keeps his female acquaintances at safe distances. No dates, no outings alone with them. He believes she is central in his life and as precaution, tries not to  get close to any other females. He thinks he does it out of respect for her. Unfortunately, his girlfriend, who loves him too, is not an apostle of such exclusivity. She is not wayward, far from that. He just believes hanging out with other women might expose some inadequacies his girlfriend has and vice versa. He feels she might see his shortfalls too if she hangs with other guys, no matter how platonic. They are in love and that's how they express theirs.

The second is a little more indifferent. He loves his girlfriend but is an advocate of 'space'. He believes he should have space to hang out with other females when he wants without being hassled. He doesn't see anything wrong with each person getting time-out to enjoy the company of other people. It's platonic after all. She can also have lunch or dinner with other guys, as long as she knows where to draw the line. Apparently, it ensures the relationship does not get boring and mundane. He is also an 'options' man. He believes he's freelance until he says 'I Do' in the presence of God. He subconsciously keeps a line-up of back-up 'wife materials' should his current girlfriend decide she wants to walk. He believes ruffling her feathers will keep her on top of her game. The idea is that, she'll sit up and be a good girlfriend so long she knows there are other contenders for the throne of his last name. It seems to have worked well till date, she's immensely pliable but my worry is what happens when she reaches Promise-land? Will she remain as easy to manage? Be that as it may, their relationship is working and has worked so far, they are in love and that's how they express theirs.

The last but not least is a live-wire. A maverick. He is like a diamond in the fields of South Africa. Rough and uncut but very valuable. He insists he loves his girlfriend but he doesn't take 'nonsense' from her. He is an iron-fist and his own ideology is that women are who they are. Women! Give them an inch and they'll take a mile, so he doesn't even offer that luxury of an inch. She says where she's going, when she's going and with whom she's going. She gets upset every now and then and he doesn't even bother trying to appease her. He maintains that she is going to be his wife and now remains the best time for her to master the art of submission. He can be doting too. He's finicky about her welfare and you can tell he genuinely cares for her. She also knows this and she tries not to take it for granted. He however, believes a man should 'eat' outside. And he does. She suspects he cheats but has never really caught him with his hand in the cookie jar so she really doesn't trust him entirely. They once had an altercation and his palm somehow touched her right cheek. He was remorseful afterwards but insisted she at least now got the point. He was a man and was not given to being addressed any how! I reprimanded him for his action and urged him  not to allow himself be ever pushed to that point again. Still, their relationship is working and they are in love and that's how they express theirs.

Three different scenarios. Three different guys. Three different girls. The average Nigerian spiritually inclined girl who reads this will say these girls may be unequally yoked. They'll argue that they can't take this or that and that these girls had better not settle with such men. They will say their own boyfriends or husbands are so not like these ones described. Their husbands still buy them flowers, worship and adore them. I have seen many men like their husbands; they are the masters of the deception game. I have met men, whose wives will swear for, with their left breast and ovary, that they are faithful.

What really is the price of happiness? Does this perfect boyfriend or husband exist? Is the 'All or Nothing' bus really the best one to sit in? Does this 80:20 rule make any sense at all? Should you take the good with the not-so-good or just toss the baby out with the bath water? Of the three young men described above, if you were female, which would you date if you had the choice?

Saying 'I Love You' is now nothing but banality. We say it a lot, but do we really understand it? Can you love her more than you love yourself? Without looking like the 'maga'? Can she respect that selflessness and not trivialise it? Can she love you back that much and want the things you want simply because you want them and she trusts you?

Don't get it twisted. Love is hard! Like Heaven and all its roads adorned with gold, the road is narrow and rough and only a few tread that road. Finding it is easy; it's deciding to walk on that path that is hard.

Don't leave this page with your thoughts. Drop them in the comment box on your way out. I'll love to read them.