It's that time of the year again. Police delegates from the different parts of the world converge in a city to discuss new trends in crime management and effective policing under the aegis of the United Nations Development Program (UNDP). This year, the historic city of Stockholm is hosting over 700 policemen and women, nominated to represent their various countries. These brave men and women will be rubbing minds for the next week or so on policing- challenges, new trends in crime prevention, response time and intelligence/information gathering.
Clad in an array of uniforms, the delegates slowly reported to the conference venue, many visiting Sweden for the very first time. They were going to be lodged here for about a week and it was looking like a totally packed 5 or so days ahead. Conference registration and assignment of rooms went on briskly as the hall was pervaded by the cacophony of foreign languages. Delegates turned up from six continents. The sight was remarkable.
Enter Assistant Superintendent of Police Abu Okorie, Sergeant Ime Umar and Corporal Ade Kano. They are the three delegates from the Nigerian Police Force. The conference was specific in asking for delegates not higher than the rank of an ASP or its equivalent. They were the 'lucky' tourists sent from the Police Headquarters in Abuja.
Following the brief welcome activities, the delegates got down to the crux of their convergence. At the end of every day's address by the keynote speakers, an interactive session took place. Here, a panel with 2 of the representatives of a country from each continent was set up and they took general questions from the house on the mode of operations of their national police system. It was now day 3, the turn of the Nigerian Police. With them are the London Metropolitan Police, their counterparts from Canada, Australia, Uruguay and Singapore.
And the session starts...
Moderator: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I do hope you've enjoyed your stay so far? We will now begin our session with our colleagues from Canada, Uruguay, United Kingdom, Nigeria, Australia and last but certainly, not least, Singapore. A round of applause please!
Cpl Kano quickly whispers to Sgt Umar. 'Oga, I think say them say na Supo and below dey come this place?'
Sgt Umar replies 'my brother, I tire o. Na wetin me sef wan ask you. See as them kack like say we dey go see Obama!'
'Oga, you mean say na our mates be all this people wey dey here so! Chineke!' replies Cpl Kano.
'Sharrap my friend! Are you are learner?' retorts Umar as the first question is thrown to the panel.
Moderator: Practically, tell us how you would react to a gridlock on a major road in a commercial city on a typical working day.
London Met Police: Well, we have that a lot on the M5 on weekdays. What we do is park nearby and contact the city traffic division to tell us available alternative routes while we try to ensure the smooth flow of traffic. We get to the radio stations also to enlighten motorists on possible diversions to avoid the gridlock while we encourage those who can take these routes to do so. Occasionally, we have to pacify frayed nerves as we understand these gridlocks can be demanding on any human being. We apologize to them for these bottlenecks and ensure everyone gets moving as soon as possible.
Australia: Yes, we have that also. We also try to contact the traffic division to ensure traffic lights do not contribute to slowing traffic. We do this via direct satellite imaging to see what routes are not busy at peak periods to divert traffic through such. The ambulance services are also notified as temperatures climb as high as 150 sometimes in Perth. We do this in case of heath strokes and other emergencies that may arise from sitting in the heat for so long.
Nigeria (Umar): Hmmmm...Well...for our side...this type of thing happens well well. It is very easy. We will on our siren and clear the road then we can pass. If that one does not work, we send two men down to the junction and stop all the cars. You see, we have to be very fast, those motorists are baggers! Once they allow our vehicle pass, we go away from there. When they are tired, they'll come down and use their senses. The London man said he will apologize. What for? Na me cause the hold-up?
Moderator: So, you mean, you'll just drive off?
Umar: Haba, Oga Speaker, this kind of questions. You want to rope me in?
Moderator: Apologies Sir. We'll move on. Now, a crime has been reported to the station. A lady says her car is missing on her street. How would you proceed?
Uruguay: Well, we get that often too. We send a patrol vehicle to the area. We interview the complainant and scan the area for possible leads. We talk to business owners in the vicinity who may have noticed strange or suspicious movements. We also send out the particulars of the car to all our officers to be on the look-out. We contact the insurance companies to be certain they are aware of the theft.
Singapore: Car theft is exceptionally low in our country. As you are aware we have a strong economy with almost no unemployment rate. If we did have such, we would immediately begin a GPS tracking of the said automobile. As a policy, cars plying our roads must possess GPS tracking system. This makes the recovery hassle-free but like I said before, we hardly have such.
Nigeria (Kano): Well, that one is not hard! What we do is, we go to the area where the car disappeared after the owner writes statement at the police station. When our DPO approves after the owner has 'seen' him, we will visit them there. We pack all the boys on that street. Touts! By the time we finish with them, they will talk. You can't be laughing with these criminals o! You must deal with them.
Moderator: I'm not sure the house understands you Sir. Could you expatiate? When you say 'deal with them' and 'when you finish with them', what exactly do you mean?
Kano: Yes na. We throw them behind the counter for sometime while we allow the regulars to deal with them. When suffer wan kill them, dem go talk o!
The room is eerily quiet. Nobody knows for sure whether to applaud or remain quiet.
Moderator (clears throat): Errr...Okay...Moving on. Next question. A suspect is on the run on foot after snatching a purse from an old lady. You are the closest cop in the vicinity. What do you do?
London: Well, we basically go after the suspect on foot. During pursuit, we radio other policemen and patrol teams in the area and also radio the central unit where a satellite mapping of the area is done. They tell us how we can box the suspect in. They inform us, via radio, of alleys, streets and other places once a visual image of the fleeing suspect is established. Usually, we try to outrun the suspect till he burns out and surrender or get close enough to use a stun gun to temporarily incapacitate the suspect and then apprehend.
Canada: We also use our canine unit. As we know, the dogs are a lot faster than we humans so they are trained to bring down a fleeing suspect and keep these suspects down till a policeman arrives at the scene to make the arrest. The canine unit also ensures we do not lose the fleeing suspect as they are able to track the scents even without visual contact.
Nigeria (Okorie): Fire! Fire him. If you fire five times, no how, one must hit him. He's a vagabond!
Moderator: Fire? As in live ammunition?
Okorie: Oga, na wah for you o! You wan make I dey pursue am? You dey see my belle at all. Oga time no dey for that one o! Fire am jare! He'a a bloody fool!
Moderator (now bewildered): Oh Wow! This is rather interesting Sir. Let's just move on please. Say you are in the vicinity and you hear sporadic gun fire in a civilian environment. How would you respond?
London: First off, you must call it in. You must state your exact location and the time you have heard this gunshot. You must also state your line of action and call for back-up as you try to close in on the direction of the shot. Usually, we have partners while on patrol so we try to localize the shot and depending on what we find, either wait for back-up or engage if we believe the culprits can be...
Mr Abu Okorie cuts in...'See this man! O boy! You wan die? Bros, if you hear gunshot, first thing is to find a covered place. Then determine if the gunshot is from a Dane gun or an automatic. If it is a rifle, is it Mack 4 or Mack 5 or AK-47? After this, calm down till the shooting stops then go there like after an hour. The robbers would have left. Oga, bullet is no respecter of person o! YOLO o!!!'
The whole room is now particularly interested in the Nigerian delegation and instantly forget the panel has other nationalities. These were the stars of the day.
Moderator (to the Nigerians): You are the patrol officer at a local diner when two men engage themselves in a brawl. What do you do?
Umar: Like them dey fight? Na to woz them o. Put them for van. By the time you handle them, the fight will leave their body. Take them to the station, on the way there, the one wey get sense go negotiate him bail. The other one wey dey form go enter counter. By the time, hand touch am, he go gentle.
Moderator: Oh Okay, so you give them the opportunity to speak to a Judge to set bail?
Okorie (laughs): We be the Judge o. Na we go set the bail for inside van there. If not, if he reach station, story go change o!
Moderator: Say a pet has been reported missing to you...
Umar: Pet as how?
Moderator: Errr, say a dog, for instance.
The three Nigerian officers burst out in laughter.
Okorie: Oga, as you see us, we be like we no get work? If your dog loss, go find your thing na. If you waste our time with that kind of thing, wallai, we will charge you for gross abuse of privilege and attempt to waste the time of an officer of the law.
Moderator: I see...What if you are present when a motorist is about to make an illegal turn on a road? What would your reaction be?
London: Sorry, but that's straightforward. You simply stop the motorist and tell him turns are not allowed there especially in the event there's no warning road sign to that effect...
Kano: Oga, you no wan chop. Leave the bagger, make he turn. Wait for him on the other side after he turns. Google 'New Lagos Traffic Laws'. Thank God for our action Governor. Our pension plan is now secure. Na wetin we dey take chop now o!
Moderator: Good thing you mentioned pension. Let's talk about remuneration. How's that in Nigeria.
Okorie: Chai, very poor o! If not for our daily Okada and Danfo taxes, wallai, hunger would have shown us pepper. Even if they come in squeezed twenty Naira notes, at all-at all na hin bad!
Moderator: You mean you collect bribes?
Umar: God forbid! We will charge you for conspiracy to rope an officer of the law. We know the law!
Moderator: I see. Let's talk about interrogations and information gathering. How's that down there. Like you have a suspect and you need to get information about a crime.
Kano: Chai, Oga, you need to visit Panti. That's their specialty. Information is small sef. By the time they touch him, he'll tell you more than you want to hear.
Moderator: I assume you mean torture. Has it occurred to you that a confession obtained under duress is null and void?
Okorie: Na you know that one o! Confession na confession.
Moderator: How are extrajudicial killings in Nigeria?
Umar: They are fine, thank you.
Moderator: I mean, what are the rates like? Reports say they are quite high.
Kano: They will be high na. Them no dey hear word for that country. If anyone tries you, fire am! Call am accidental discharge. Clear their doubts!
Moderator: Don't you give account of your ammo?
Okorie: Taa! For wetin? We are professionals and do you know our motto is 'the Police is your friend?'
Moderator: Oh I see, so it may be true that armed robbers occasionally turn up with your hardware?
Umar: Oga, na you know that one o!
Moderator: How do you talk down a man who threatens to jump down a bridge or a building?
Okorie: Just shout 'if you don't jump, your father is a bastard!'. Oga, I be like Reverend Father for your eyes? If he wants to jump, he should go ahead!
Moderator: Do you get regular mental state examinations for those of you carrying firearms?
Kano: Are you saying we are mad?
Moderator: How is your bomb disposal unit?
Umar: Oga, na only metal detector o! My friend was blown up in Kaduna sometime this year sef. Na IED kill am.
Moderator turns to the house. Everybody in the auditorium looks befuddled. This had to be a joke, they all thought.
The Moderator quickly brings out his phone and types a message to his friends and family. It read 'Never visit Nigeria'
He had heard enough!
A lot has been said about Professor Chinua Achebe's new publication titled 'There Was A Country'. I have heard many trite remarks from different people depending on what part of the country they are from. I have not read the book. I have however seen excerpts from it. I am not a professional book reviewer or critic so I'll leave such intricacies to the Chimamanda Adichies.
For those who have no idea what the book is about, it is basically Achebe's account of the July 1967 Civil War. He talks about his early life while growing up and also explores the immediate and remote events around the war. He is also perceived by many to have pointed fingers at certain people as being responsible for a calculated extermination of the Igbo race by starvation. The Civil War, from what I have read, was responsible for the loss of close to three million lives via hunger and disease. It will infinitely remain significant in the annals of Nigerian history.
Following the release of Achebe's book, many people hurled invectives at the sage for what they claim is a misplaced and mis-timed accusation. Some Yoruba people think it was unfair of him to finger Chief Obafemi Awolowo in what Achebe termed a vile genocide of his kinsmen. On the other hand, some Igbo people think Achebe spoke what has been on their minds for some time now. They are obviously still embittered by the role the Westerners played during the Civil War. Most of the people throwing missiles at each other on social media were not even born in 1967 when the war broke out. They are just as passionate, notwithstanding. There is a good reason for this.
Nigeria is a box of dynamites. Dynamites all wired together in a wooden box. All, Nigeria seeks is just a strike of a matchstick or a spark. Ethnicity is one of those sparks. Second only, if at all, to religion. Nigerians do not need an invitation to jump into any brouhaha that seeks to lord a tribe over the other. Not only will Nigerians jump into the fracas, they will do so with their daggers and spears. Ethnic bigotry, in its ugliest and crudest form.
Personally, I do not care about what was written and what wasn't by Achebe. I have never met Professor Achebe, but I have read of how he turned down National Merit Awards twice to express his disgust at how the country was being run and his sheer contempt for the Federal Government. The same awards given to courtesans, sycophants and cronies of the government of the day. At a time when praise-singers who lack integrity are exalted for nothingness, the erudite poet stood by his principles and sent the emissaries of government on their way with a bilious taste in their mouth. It won't be presumptuous to think Professor Achebe is of a very sound mind and an even sounder character by this action. In a society that is completely arid of any character and selflessness, such uprightness should count for something.
I am Yoruba, at least to the best of my knowledge. Chief Obafemi Awolowo died when I was just 4 years old. I can tell her was a remarkable Yoruba leader, judging by the number of edifices and monuments christened in his honour and memory. A University, several roads (both Federal and State), Parks, a Stadium, Libraries, Schools and Marketplaces all named after him. He was Premier of Western Nigeria for six years and at the time of the war was the Federal Commissioner of Finance. Many say the government as a whole, and not Awolowo singly, was responsible for the food blockade. Others say, it was Ojukwu's pigheadedness that was responsible as the Nigerian government genuinely offered to ensure food entered Biafra.
Obafemi Awolowo was a seasoned politician. I still don't fully understand his politics but apparently he was an advocate of free education and health for the masses. The poor loved him. The Bible says the poor will always be amongst us but did it really mean this many poor people? Awo was loved because there were too many poor people at the time. My question is this; why were there so many poor people? I choose to believe that Nigeria missed it at from ground zero. There was something awfully wrong in our foundation. People loved M.K.O Abiola too. This does not confer sainthood on any of them. Houseflies are naturally drawn to faeces just as rats are to garbage. That's simply Nature. Philanthropy will naturally endear anyone to the poor.
In as much as I wasn't born during the era of Awolowo's political career, I have seen his 'disciples'. The sworn Awoists. They claim they are staunch scions of Awolowo not just in terms of political ideologies but also in dressing and talking. So much so, they wear similar round rimmed glasses and the short cap Awolowo was known for. I must however state now that if this is the same Awoism that Chief Obafemi propagated in the 50s and 60s, then something has gone wrong in history. Chief Bola Ahmed Tinubu sings of Awoism like a hummingbird on heat in the mating season. He needs to tell us if Awo too shackled his constituency financially and ruled like a glorified area-boy. I don't know Awolowo but I know Awoists and the word 'free' does not exist in the vocabulary of these Awoists.
One thing I appreciate about the book 'There Was A Country' is that we are again reminded of the reasons why Nigeria is in such dire state. The book shows us we have not even begun our journey to redemption as our bus plummets down the abyss of perdition. We are reminded by Achebe that just as Nigeria was not one in 1967 so she has remained divided in 2012. We have in fact dwindled in developmental milestones. If after all these years, Igbos and Yorubas still haggle over who did what and when during a war that claimed three million NIGERIAN lives then we obviously still have a lot to learn. We need to stop deceiving ourselves. We are simply not one.
In medicine, there's something called a 'test dose'. Here, a drug that is known to be notorious for causing severe adverse reactions in majority of patients is administered in minute quantity over a small area of the body. This is done to see the localized reaction before exposing the entire body to the full adult dose of the drug. If the localized administration is well tolerated, there's a high chance that the systemic exposure would also be tolerable. In my opinion, 'There Was A Country' was a test dose administered by the sage himself in the person of Chinua Achebe. We did not tolerate that test dose. We, as a matter of fact, failed woefully. Maybe if after the book was released, the Yorubas weren't so defensive as to why Achebe went after their supposed founding founder (Awolowo) and if the Igbos didn't sound like they were confrontational in their assertions. Maybe if the Yorubas had simply been the 'bigger people' and offered a white flag instead of going after Achebe and if the Igbos had genuinely buried the ghosts of Biafra and simply said 'Let's move forward!'
Truth is, we are still very bitter about the events of 1969. We have not forgiven each other. You forgive first before it occurs to you to forget. A house divided against it-self will not stand and Nigeria is divided. My assertion has always been that Nigeria suffers from a severe form of autoimmune disease where the body's cells wage war against that same body. It's a simple form of implosion where they continue to damage the containing body forgetting, albeit stupidly, they are cells and they won't survive outside that body they are fighting hard to destroy. Chinua, Gowon, Odumegwu and Obafemi's generation fought a needless war. That generation successfully annihilated three million Nigerians. My generation just showed the world it is not better than this quickly depleting one. My generation just showed the entire world that we'll take more lives in the course of this marriage called Nigeria.
Now, let me remind you simpletons, who see themselves in terms of 'State of Origin'. That simpleton who deleted me from her BlackBerry because I was constantly and intensely critical of her kinsman occupying Aso Rock. Goodluck Jonathan was in government for years in Bayelsa and did Bayelsa improve? If it didn't, Bayelsans are the ones suffering, not the people from Adamawa. Gbenga Daniel stole from Ogun people, his own flesh and blood! He didn't steal Imo's money, just as Orji Uzor Kalu, James Ibori, Peter Odili and Lucky Igbinedion stole from the people of Abia, Delta, Rivers and Edo respectively. Their own people! It is inherent wickedness that we suffer from. Our ethnic bigotry won't get us anywhere. It hasn't in the past and it won't in the future. We'll continue to wallow in folly with our 'Na my brother' mentality. After corruption, it is the next bane of our existence as an entity. A Yoruba adage says ''The insect eating up the vegetable resides inside the vegetable''. Our problems are more domestic than systemic. We must fix ourselves before we can fix Nigeria. Dysfunctional people make dysfunctional societies.
Rather than reprehend Chinua Achebe, we should thank him. For showing us we only applied bandage over a chronic non-healing wound. That bandage has been in place for 42years. Underneath it is a rotting, fungating and terminally septic wound. It is not enough to drown ourselves in the charade of Nigeria's oneness. We are not one. The earlier we get that and fix it, the better for us.
If that wound fails to heal, we may require orthopaedic intervention in the form of an amputation if we do not desire a second Civil War.
That will be extremely shameful.
'I have found that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love'-Mother Teresa
We have all been in love at some point in life. At least, we assumed it was love. You know that feeling that makes you think you can jump off Third Mainland Bridge and fly. The one, that gives you abdominal butterflies i.e. 'belle dey sweet you'. Yes, that feeling.
How and where that feeling ended is another question vis-a-vis whether you ended up marrying that fellow or you now hate the person's guts. For some, every New Year ushers in new species of butterflies in their tummies. For others, their tummies are now wildernesses, no form of life can thrive there, butterflies included. They are that damaged.
So, the general trend is that the young man overtly and overly expresses his undying love during the 'chase'. The Toasting phase. Where the Poet in every guy-man, comes alive. At this point, she's God's idea of perfection and he tells her this at every opportunity. He even shows it. If she's sad for any reason, he assures her she has a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear any time of the day. If she's hungry, he's eager to rush over with free lunch or dinner. If she needs to get downtown for anything, he clears out his already-planned, hitherto rigid, schedule to drive her down. The chase is a stage. Just like the butterfly she has in her tummy. I believe it is scientifically termed Metamorphosis. Everything is time bound. First, an egg, then the larva and pupa before the adult butterfly. Every butterfly was once an egg.
The girl is wooed and enthralled at this point. She believes the egg will remain an egg forever. At least, that much she hopes. Then, time and life begin to happen and suddenly, there's trouble in paradise.
Love is expressed in different ways by different people. What works for the left hand might not quite cut it for the right one. The things you do when expressing your love for your girlfriend may be perceived as 'retarded' by another guy-man. Different strokes for different folks.
So, the story is told of three regular Lagos omo-boys. They've all been dating their beautiful girlfriends for more than a year each. They all genuinely intend to consummate these journeys at the altar. Remarkably, each has a different modus-operandi for expressing his love for his partner.
The first is doting. Or so he claims and thinks. He is his idea of a good boyfriend. He does not cheat. He is fairly stable. No surprises. His itinerary at any given time T is fairly predictable. He leads a quiet and almost ascetic life. He is perceived to be too 'mushy' by his friends sometimes. They claim he is occasionally too liberal with his girlfriend and they wonder why he's so lily-livered and won't toughen up with her. He on the other hand, is quite tough but allows the girl use her discretion and initiative on a lot of issues. Sometimes, she takes this liberty for granted but manages not to breach the trust he has in her. He's very trusting, to a fault actually. He's from the medieval school of thought that believes you will not be cheated on if you don't cheat. He tells her he loves her and tries to show it by his actions. He consciously keeps his female acquaintances at safe distances. No dates, no outings alone with them. He believes she is central in his life and as precaution, tries not to get close to any other females. He thinks he does it out of respect for her. Unfortunately, his girlfriend, who loves him too, is not an apostle of such exclusivity. She is not wayward, far from that. He just believes hanging out with other women might expose some inadequacies his girlfriend has and vice versa. He feels she might see his shortfalls too if she hangs with other guys, no matter how platonic. They are in love and that's how they express theirs.
The second is a little more indifferent. He loves his girlfriend but is an advocate of 'space'. He believes he should have space to hang out with other females when he wants without being hassled. He doesn't see anything wrong with each person getting time-out to enjoy the company of other people. It's platonic after all. She can also have lunch or dinner with other guys, as long as she knows where to draw the line. Apparently, it ensures the relationship does not get boring and mundane. He is also an 'options' man. He believes he's freelance until he says 'I Do' in the presence of God. He subconsciously keeps a line-up of back-up 'wife materials' should his current girlfriend decide she wants to walk. He believes ruffling her feathers will keep her on top of her game. The idea is that, she'll sit up and be a good girlfriend so long she knows there are other contenders for the throne of his last name. It seems to have worked well till date, she's immensely pliable but my worry is what happens when she reaches Promise-land? Will she remain as easy to manage? Be that as it may, their relationship is working and has worked so far, they are in love and that's how they express theirs.
The last but not least is a live-wire. A maverick. He is like a diamond in the fields of South Africa. Rough and uncut but very valuable. He insists he loves his girlfriend but he doesn't take 'nonsense' from her. He is an iron-fist and his own ideology is that women are who they are. Women! Give them an inch and they'll take a mile, so he doesn't even offer that luxury of an inch. She says where she's going, when she's going and with whom she's going. She gets upset every now and then and he doesn't even bother trying to appease her. He maintains that she is going to be his wife and now remains the best time for her to master the art of submission. He can be doting too. He's finicky about her welfare and you can tell he genuinely cares for her. She also knows this and she tries not to take it for granted. He however, believes a man should 'eat' outside. And he does. She suspects he cheats but has never really caught him with his hand in the cookie jar so she really doesn't trust him entirely. They once had an altercation and his palm somehow touched her right cheek. He was remorseful afterwards but insisted she at least now got the point. He was a man and was not given to being addressed any how! I reprimanded him for his action and urged him not to allow himself be ever pushed to that point again. Still, their relationship is working and they are in love and that's how they express theirs.
Three different scenarios. Three different guys. Three different girls. The average Nigerian spiritually inclined girl who reads this will say these girls may be unequally yoked. They'll argue that they can't take this or that and that these girls had better not settle with such men. They will say their own boyfriends or husbands are so not like these ones described. Their husbands still buy them flowers, worship and adore them. I have seen many men like their husbands; they are the masters of the deception game. I have met men, whose wives will swear for, with their left breast and ovary, that they are faithful.
What really is the price of happiness? Does this perfect boyfriend or husband exist? Is the 'All or Nothing' bus really the best one to sit in? Does this 80:20 rule make any sense at all? Should you take the good with the not-so-good or just toss the baby out with the bath water? Of the three young men described above, if you were female, which would you date if you had the choice?
Saying 'I Love You' is now nothing but banality. We say it a lot, but do we really understand it? Can you love her more than you love yourself? Without looking like the 'maga'? Can she respect that selflessness and not trivialise it? Can she love you back that much and want the things you want simply because you want them and she trusts you?
Don't get it twisted. Love is hard! Like Heaven and all its roads adorned with gold, the road is narrow and rough and only a few tread that road. Finding it is easy; it's deciding to walk on that path that is hard.
Don't leave this page with your thoughts. Drop them in the comment box on your way out. I'll love to read them.
Globally, one of the best indices to assess the state of the economy of any country is the unemployment rate of that nation. It quickly tells a neutral observer how well a nation is faring in terms of quality of life and infrastructure.
A few weeks ago, Alhaji Aliko Dangote decided he needed a few truck drivers. He runs many factories across Nigeria and he felt he needed more hands in distributing his cement, flour, sugar and finished goods. So, he placed advertisements in the national dailies. To his amazement, he received 13,000 applications for the 100 slots he had to be fill. For a regular Nigerian who walks the streets of Lagos every day, you may not be entirely surprised that 13,000 people applied to fill 100 vacancies. Maybe that shocked Dangote, it won't shock a common man.
What will shock a common man however, is the fact that of this 13,000 applications, six were sent in by PhD holders and 704 by Masters degree holders. A total of 8,460 first degree holders also applied leaving just 3,830 applicants as SSCE holders and maybe those with primary education or informal education. This shocked me.
I used to have a lot of respect for PhD holders until a certain man from Bayelsa showed up. A PhD holder is a Doctor of Philosophy, one of the highest levels of educational achievement by any standard. To have not one but six Nigerian Doctors apply on their own volition to be Dangote's drivers is utterly baffling.
It may sound trivial to some. They'll wonder what the big deal is. Who cares as long as he pays his bills. For me, it is a big deal. Here is a man who spent some five or six years of his life, doing research and publishing papers. He has at least three post-secondary degrees on his resume. Can your mind comprehend the level of desperation such a man must have reached to have applied to be Dangote's truck driver? You think it's a joke? Life must have dealt severe and several blows for such a man to resign himself to fate that maybe, just maybe, his redemption was in Dangote's truck.
Proponents of the fact that many Nigerians are not true reflections of the degrees they bear certainly have a strong case. Our educational sector is in shambles and its unabated descent into the abyss of dereliction seems certain. Mr. President's thought process and decision making have certain lent credence to the school of thought that we produce half-baked -if baked at all- graduates. He, like many educated illiterates in Nigeria today, is a product of this decrepit educational system. On the other hand, I have met sound Nigerian graduates who exhibit exceptional depths of mind and character. They also passed through this supposedly ailing educational system. So, it begs the question, could it also be an individual thing? Are some PhD holders inherently bankrupt mentally? If they are, how did they formulate the thesis they put forward for their doctorate degree and even defend that thesis?
Dangote's vacancies also bring to the fore the alarming unemployment rate in the country at the moment. Pragmatically, if you are reading this, I am sure you know at least five young people looking for a job. Currently, they claim our unemployment rate in Nigeria is 21% even though Business Day recorded a rise in the rate from 21.1 to 23.9 in 2011. This rise was in spite of the Federal Government's YouWin and the recent SURE programs. One of the key issues in the build-up to today's elections in America has been what Americans term 'unacceptably high' unemployment rate. This rate was 7.9% in October 2012. That is their 'unacceptably high' rate.
Countries like Germany are the envy of America. They boast of unemployment rates around or less than 6%. Qatar's rate of 0.4%, U.A.E 2.4% and Singapore 2% are incredible. You don't need Einstein to tell you crime rate will be very low in those countries and life expectancy will be directly proportional. If Americans envy Germans, I wonder who Nigerians should envy.
We are not creating jobs because we have grounded our manufacturing sector. We import everything now, from toothpicks to apples to vehicles. Our manufacturing sector won't run till our power sector is overhauled and we reduce the cost of raw materials significantly. Nigeria is an expensive place to do business in. Ask Sir Richard Branson. Our policies do not support private sector participation. We pay lip service to wooing foreign investors when the country itself is in utter chaos. Businesses are moving to neighbouring West African countries where the costs of running businesses are significantly lower (Ghana now has an unemployment rate of 11%). Whichever sector you decide to invest in here, there's a bandwagon of pen-pushing armed robbers waiting to extort you, in the form of taxes and bribes.
Nigerian Presidents come and go just like the Governors. Each initiates one scheme or the other. Now, it's YouWin that is in vogue. What they have all failed to address is the underlying pathology in our infrastructure and economy. There will be many more of such schemes designed to empower the youth (and enrich the sycophants). Dangote will ask for more drivers in the future and believe it or not, more PhD holders will turn up at the interviews. The trend will continue just like Internet fraud, substance abuse, prison congestion and crime. The young people must engage in something, good or bad. The choice is ours.
Meanwhile, who knows how a young Nigerian Doctor can move, work and live in Singapore, Qatar or Germany?
In less than 24 hours, Americans will file out to elect their leader for the next four years. A lot of publicity has been given to the build-up and the election itself and I must say I was amazed - if not impressed- by the interest of young Americans and Nigerians in the whole process leading up to the elections.
When Barack Obama first contested four years ago, Nigerians were overly excited at the prospect of a black man leading the most powerful country in the world. We even organised fund-raisers for the man here in Lagos. I asked someone then if Obama becoming U.S President meant Nigerians would gain unfettered access into the innermost crevices of the White House. I even postulated at the time, that the Third Mainland Bridge and the Brooklyn Bridge would become adjacent with the emergence of Obama. Alas, four years after, Third Mainland remains as it was, except for the recent closure for renovation by my Federal Government. Obama is not black. Don't get it twisted.
So, in the build-up to tomorrow's election, there have been conventions, campaigns and debates. Thanks to satellite television, young Nigerians stay up all night to listen to American politicians. Again, I was fascinated by their keen interest in American politics. I began toying with the theories I had in 2008 about Obama's presidency and its subsequent impact on the welfare of the Nigerian youth. Why really are we so interested in the U.S Presidential elections? Why would a man with bilateral gangrene of his feet be interested in the colour of his neighbour's shoes? I wondered.
It then occurred to me, that we are desperate in this country. We cannot fathom how some earthlings got the calibre of Barack and Mitt as politicians and how another set got Ebele and his ilk. We are wondering which deity we offended that inflicted and afflicted us with Asiwaju and co. We are befuddled how the PDP has raped us savagely, literally and figuratively, for thirteen or so years. We watch how Americans file out, knowing without an iota of doubt that their votes would count and they guard that enfranchisement jealously. They know armed thugs won't turn up with their paraphernalia of grave bodily harm inflicting apparatus. They know one party chieftain won't be caught with stuffed ballot boxes or voters' cards obtained by distributing packs of Indomie noodles. Americans know they have a say. They have a say because they are respected by their leaders.
Some weeks ago, Michelle Obama spoke at the Democratic National Convention, which I hear Asiwaju was privileged to have been'invited' to. The video of her speech went viral on the Internet. Her speech was astounding and I thought she was as elegant and gracious as ever. I hear she put in weeks of work into that speech. Why did she put in all the effort considering it was her husband who the eyes were on? That's RESPECT. She respects the minds of the Americans and she understands the importance of making indelible impressions on those sound minds. We also heard Bill Clinton speak. Articulate, informed, intelligent and inspiring as always. Another sign, that Americans are sound people. The man ruled them for eight years and after his speech, you could see his mandate then was not a fluke. He was and remains a remarkably brilliant man. He didn't need to bring his A-game to Barack's convention. After all, he had done his eight years as President and he really did not have much to lose apart from his wife probably losing her job as Secretary of State in the event that the Republicans won. But he brought more than his A-game, he brought his A-prime game and it was a sight to behold! Why? Respect for the average American mind.
We also avidly watched the three debates where Romney and Obama took each other to the cleaners on issues ranging from the economy to health care to foreign policies. We sat and watched at wee hours of the morning. Even the chance of being utterly useless at our workplaces only a few hours later did not deter us. I didn't watch the debates but I caught excerpts of them later. As I listened to each man, I smiled. I smiled because the conviction with each spoke assured me, either way; Americans were not going to be short-changed. I really don't have a favourite. Personally, Obama's last four years has not directly impacted on my life in everyday Lagos. It didn't grant me automatic passage through JFK so I really can't be bothered if he won or lost at the polls tomorrow. I am however stupendously intrigued with the way and manner with which the two men address Americans. You can tell, they understand their fates lie in the hands of these 'commoners'. Again, that is respect.
Obama did not perform particularly well at the second debate, if I'm not mistaken. Or was it the first? I don't even care. What I know is that after he lost that debate, he admitted that he had some work to do and cancelled some campaign trips to work on his debating. That, I found immensely awesome. Even as incumbent, he knows he can't toy with his electorates. He knows he'll get the boot if he is perceived to be below par at any point. And boy, did he come out blazing in the next debate. That is respect for his people.
From Obama to Paul Ryan to Joe Biden to Romney, even their spouses, we see a depressingly glaring variant from what prevails around this region. After I watched clips of all the speakers at the conventions and campaigns, I was convinced that Nigeria would thrive under any of them. Obama and Romney are long-shots because as far as I am concerned Michelle or Biden will rule Nigeria very well. If you are in doubt, listen to Ebele give a speech. If you manage to listen till the end without cursing or sleeping off, then you are ripe for marriage.
I have decided to desist from wasting my thoughts on Ebele. I am one of the few who have actually written him off. All I'm hoping is that we ride the storm till 2015 and hope that by some miracle or natural disaster, he vacates Aso Rock. Ebele's speeches are dull, insolent and indolent. I dare say I've heard better speeches at funerals as elegies. His are utterly uninspiring and are products of the worse form of mental laziness. Hitherto, Ebele read from sheets of paper and made us wonder how on Earth he bagged a PhD, and then his cronies introduced him to the teleprompter. That had to be their greatest undoing. In medical circles, Ebele's eyes would have been best described as 'pupils fixed and dilated'. He looked like he had just finished indulging himself in expired heroine and then applied Glaucoma eye-drops. I was flabbergasted. It predictably didn't improve the quality of his speech. I assume a depressed Nigerian contemplating suicide by hanging before that speech would have eagerly shot himself in the head shortly after listening to Ebele.
Then, let's examine Michelle's oratory prowess as a First Lady in comparison with Dame. Okay, maybe we shouldn't. Maybe that's not such a good idea. Let's just move on.
Prior to April 2011 elections, debates were organized to enable the electorates get a feel of what each candidate had to offer, just like Obama did with Romney. On the day of the debate, the incumbent Nigerian President did not show up. He didn't send any apologies either. He simply ignored us. Instead, he got D'Banj, who from his lyrics we can tell, is still mentally stuck in nursery school at 32, to interview him. While fellow contestants were busy articulating their plans for Nigeria on live television, D'Banj & Ebele were busy shouting 'Hmmm, no long thing' over bottles of Johnnie Walker at the Villa. Yet, we voted for him. Life is fair, what you get is what you've earned. Ebele is what we earned as a people.
Obama and Romney have held positions of authority as politicians before they thought of the White House. Mitt Romney governed Massachusetts for four years between 2003 and 2007 and the word on the street is that he refused his salary of $135,000 as Governor and went on achieve surpluses of over $500 million as income for the State in his last two years. Obama became a State Senator in 1996 and moved on to the U.S Senate in 2005 to represent Illinois. Alone, he sponsored 137 bills in the Senate in 3years. There are others he cosponsored and his stint in the Senate was remarkable. These men had been in evolution for many years, they had been beaten into shape and they had acquired leadership skills. They were committed to the American people.
Ebele was Deputy Governor of Bayelsa. Did we ask him what he achieved before he was promoted to Governor? No, we didn't. He became Governor in 2005 and ruled for two years before he became Vice President. Did we ask him what he achieved for Bayelsa State before we moved him to Aguda House? No, we didn't! He was Vice President between 2oo7 and 2010 before fate struck and we didn't have a choice. He was thrust upon us by the demise of the President and constitutionally had to be sworn in. It was an impressive run. Who says mediocrity can't get you that far? Amazingly, when we had the chance to ask him what he did as President for over a year that made him deserving of a full term of his own, he ignored us and went on his charade with D'Banj. Again, we did not ask him questions. He told us he had no shoes, we pitied him and now he owns Bata, the shoe factory.
Until Nigerian politicians respect their citizens, things will not change. Until Nigerians demand to be respected, we will remain here. We can organize fasting and prayers from now till Jesus returns, we will only lose weight, our decrepit state will become even worse.
It is a long and dark path to redemption. A path we will only tread when we are ready to take our destinies in our hands.
Tomorrow, a fine gentleman will either vacate or assume the Oval Office. Its a win-win situation for America. I won't wish Americans the best, they already have that. I will only wish Obama and Romney the best as America decides.
I will however implore Americans, to kindly send the loser over. No shame! I'll gladly take the second best man. Nigeria needs him. Like yesterday!
Don't leave the page with your thoughts on this issue. Kindly drop them in the comment box. I'll love to read them.
Clad in an array of uniforms, the delegates slowly reported to the conference venue, many visiting Sweden for the very first time. They were going to be lodged here for about a week and it was looking like a totally packed 5 or so days ahead. Conference registration and assignment of rooms went on briskly as the hall was pervaded by the cacophony of foreign languages. Delegates turned up from six continents. The sight was remarkable.
