A Burdened Heart

I met a young man over the weekend and we talked for some time. He talked at length about his relationship and I found it interesting. With his permission, I decided to share his story.

This is not fiction.

Dave is a young lawyer. He's had a stable job as a junior counsel in a government ministry for about a year and a half and he struggles everyday to meet up with expenses and the small responsibilities he has. The typical Lagos 'Guy-man'. Life has been pretty fair to him. He is under 30,  with a decent job and a supportive family. He isn't rich, certainly not but has an outlandish ambition to make money on his own. Unfortunately, he picked a career where you feed on peanuts while on the lowest rung of the career ladder. Only the big boys made all the money in his discipline. He wasn't planning to wait however.

He was a fairly decent person as far as Nigerian men went. He was not particularly wayward and his worst habits were his unrepentant craze for English football and a few green bottles of lager with his friends every once in a while. He has decent friends too. Ambitious, remarkably intelligent and well brought up young men with large hearts. He was careful with the company he kept and tried to do his best to live right.

Dave met and started dating Rose some nine months ago. He was blown away by her humility and charm. She was incredibly smart and initially had slight difficulty with getting paid employment after her NYSC. He tried his best to be as supportive as he could be and soon, Rose was the toast of his parents. He was immensely proud of what she had achieved at her young age. Their ages differed by a handful of years and Rose was the youngest female Dave had ever dated. He actually appreciated their age gap. He believed it would afford them the opportunity to age gracefully together. He found it amusing that his Mum became so fond of Rose. She would call and ask when next Rose was visiting. He had to constantly curb the over-zealousness on their part. He hadn't married her, after all.

Rose was young and full of life and Dave endeavored to be liberal with her. He was an easy going person who believed adults should have and deploy their initiative in all their dealings. Thus he let Rose be. He let her go out. He let her do what she perceived what best for her and only offered advice and guidance when necessary. He encouraged openness and freedom of expression. He was also a decently faithful person. Even at times when Rose was away for days, he remained doggedly committed in the face of a plethora of advances from other ladies. He thought he was doing what was best for the relationship and he was happy doing it.

Rose was also a largely decent girl. She was very soft spoken too and was pretty admirable except for the occasional silliness that appeared normal for a girl of her age. She was not very difficult to please but she was obstinate. Obstinate with a capital O. She didn't take kindly to being told she had to improve on anything. She was also very proud. She preferred to suffer quietly than beg for anything or anyone. She hardly asked for much, not that Dave was miserly also. They once had an altercation over something Dave thought was not a big deal and it would turn out to be heresy to her. He only expected her to take note of his observations and see if anything could be done about them. She felt he had been inappropriate and insensitive while expressing his discomfort and he promptly apologised. She forgave him easily, forgetting was the hard part.

Following their altercations and the way she took them, he began walking on eggshells. He knew it wasn't entirely healthy but he didn't want to hurt her since according to her, he was quite acetic and caustic with words. So, he started talking less and bottled more things. Even though he was a genuinely pleasant person who laughed a lot and made people around him laugh too, his temperament was just as malignant. He had however managed his anger well and hardly ever got to that boiling point again. But he knew deep inside, he could quickly hit that threshold if he actively engaged in imbroglios. So he just shut up! He was disturbed by her reactive nature. He understood that she was rather young and definitely had not seen as much as he had in life but he also thought as an adult, she had to appreciate that criticisms are not always condescending. He believed she was not secure about herself and her personality and wanted to help her so much but he asked me 'Wole, how do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped?'. I stared blankly. The answers just weren't coming.

At her age, he was still in University and he remembered how much fun he had as an undergraduate. He didn't want to appear stifling so he let her go out as often as she wanted. He tried not to ask too many questions as to whom she was going with and how long she would be gone for. He gave her a very long rope, hoping she would not eventually hang herself with it, either by commission or omission. Then, he started thinking to himself. Lagos was a funny place. He saw girls doing all sorts of things because of the materialistic nature of the society and started wondering if he was not too liberal with his girlfriend. He trusted her to remain decent but he asked how far the fabric of decency could be stretched before the threads parted. She had friends who knew many rich men, married and otherwise. He didn't see anything wrong with hanging out with her friends but the part with the men ruffled him a little. While trying to reassure himself that he was not insecure and paranoid, he also weighed the risks associated with her constantly putting herself in 'harm's way'.

Nigerian men are dirty and those with money expect a certain pattern of behaviour from young ladies who flock around them. While it is not a hard and fast rule, many believe their money should grant them unfettered access into any girl's underwear (for those that wear any of course). They have had too many of such girls to make their mindsets skewed into believing most girls work like that. The men leave their wives at home and organise outings with young girls who are full of life and fun and give them a good time. Its platonic as far as Dave thought but he wondered why he kept thinking it sounded funny to him that a married man called up his girlfriend anytime he wanted to hang out with his buddies. He was an introvert. He couldn't afford most of those luxuries so he stayed indoors a lot and he started wondering if he was that boring. He asked 'Wole, is my girlfriend a 'call girl' that a couple of money bags can call up when they need girls who want to have a good time?' My mouth was very dry. I ploughed through my cerebrum, nothing was coming. It didn't sound right to me either, but I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news.

Dave does not believe Rose will do anything stupid or cheat on him. She seems happy being in a relationship with him. But lately, she's 'different' he says. She's confrontational. He always manages to upset her and she takes no prisoners when she's letting him know how hurt she is. He really never complains about her hurting him. Not that she doesn't but because he takes it in his stride and just attributes  it to her youth and probably naivety and for the fact that he believes relationships are about being accommodating, being tolerant and not bickering over 'small stuff'. He claims he genuinely forgives her, even when he's the one who eventually apologises in spite of who's at fault. He feels she's not as respectful as an intending wife should be. Yes, he wants her to be able to talk freely but he wants to know where to draw the line between recalcitrance and freedom of expression. He wants to know if she is not taking his meekness for weakness. He's asking if its healthy for a man to perceive his wife-to-be as being insubordinate. He made it very clear that he really does not want a robot as a wife, but at the same time, his ego is badly bruised by her sharp retorts coupled with his vow of silence when upset. He's worried he's beginning to look like a weakling. He asked me if he should dump the 'nice guy' and become 'African' and wield the big stick since she's taking him for granted.

I am not married and my relationship is relatively young itself, fraught with its own complexities. I couldn't proffer any advice as I thought long and hard so I promised I would ruminate and sample opinions on his subject. He's thinking of asking her straight up if she wants a break. He knows he'll be distraught because he can't imagine life without her but he's starting to paint that picture somewhere in his mind. He would rather she left now if she wanted to so he could invest his life and time in someone or something else, instead of postponing the evil day. On the other hand, she's significantly younger than him. Is it 'youthful exuberance'? Is that why she's spontaneous and reactive? Is she just too young to comprehend the gravity of a relationship which a guy strives to consummate at an altar? Is her mind too young to handle the complexities and the unending sacrifices that relationships entail?

To the best of his knowledge she does not want to leave. So she says at least. Unfortunately, sometimes, her mannerisms suggest someone who's not entirely ready to be in a relationship.

So. I have tried to tell his story verbatim. There's trouble in Dave's paradise and he needs help. Someone needs to listen to him. Apparently, I was the wrong person to turn to for advice as it was all new to me too. The best I could do was to blog his story. And yes, I suggested 'Why not tell her how you feel?'. He just smiled. 'I tread softly with her Wole, I doubt she can handle how I feel...I end up hurting her when I'm trying to tell her' he responded.

If you have read to this point, I implore you not to leave without leaving a word of advice for Dave. He knows this post is up now and he's waiting to read from you. A line is just as good as a paragraph. Just endeavor to leave something for the young man.

Thank you for your time.