Jonah...Oh Jonah!

 Otueke is a relatively small fishing village in Southern Nigeria. Until recently, it was an unknown town in Bayelsa and most Nigerians, except those from the axis, had never heard of Otueke. Personally anyway, I had never heard of it even though i spent almost 7 years in medical school in neighboring Port Harcourt Rivers State. Then enter, 'Dr' 'Goodluck' Ebele Jonathan and Otueke would have its fortunes changed for the worst. Kindly note that the 'Dr' and 'Goodluck' in quotation are not typographical errors. I would prefer to use the word 'misnomer'. I will try to elucidate as i go on.

 On January 1 2012, President Jonathan decided the most thoughtful and sensible gift he could give a set of 'bombing weary' Nigerians was a hike in pump price of PMS. Being a Doctor myself, albeit not honorary, i feel a lot of shame by this man's pronouncement. I am made to understand he has a first degree in Zoology and a masters degree in Fisheries and a Ph.D from my alma mater. Again the shame i feel is unparalleled. Doctors from the age of Hippocrates are known to be mentally sound human beings and have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Ebele Jonathan has not particularly spoken or acted like a mentally sound and socially balanced being. A lot of parody has been generated by our First Lady's grammatical prowess. I have nothing against Her Excellency but what astonishes me is her mental bankruptcy and aridity. She has all of Nigeria's resources at her disposal and yet she seems too self absorbed to explore the option of enrolling in a suitable night school. Since Dame has insisted, on her own volition, to remain in the public eye and speak publicly at every chance she gets, i think it is only fair she does so safely and not at the expense of the hearing centres in our brains.

 

 I have talked about Dame here because i want to talk about the quality of the man who has spousal relations with her. I have continuously asked myself how Dame challenges Ebele intellectually. As a doctor, i am certain, i would not pursue a relationship with a female who is incapable of engaging me in an intellectual conversation about any subject at all without making me wonder if my ears need wax softeners. Even the Good Book says 'Do not be unequally yoked', it means the Good Lord appreciates the importance of this concept. Is it the safe to assume that Dame and Ebele are equally yoked? It is certainly looking likely.

Now to the second misnomer 'Goodluck'. We often hear people say 'what's in a name?'. A lot of times, i respond 'A LOT'. A lot of Nigerians had believed GEJ was our knight in shinning armor. A popular record label even sang jingles during the campaign period, very melodious tunes at that and he promised that Nigerian youth would be 'LOLing' soon. He has certainly brought everything BUT goodluck to Nigeria. Under him, we have bombings every alternate day in Nigeria and it strongly gives credit to Nigeria's rating as a terrorist nation in company of Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan where bombs can be purchased on the streets.Under his 'goodluck charm',we now have to pay mad prices for PMS. The man is definitely lacking any goodluck.

 Anybody who knows fishermen,the Ijaw and Bayelsans knows they have a high affinity for strong locally brewed vodka a.k.a 'kai-kai, local snuff a.k.a 'tabaa' and an even higher affinity for voluptuous women. Ebele has exhibited traits in the last week that are highly and classically suggestive of someone who starts and ends a typical working day taking vodka and snuff. His incredible fuel subsidy removal policy has shown that indeed we are in a ship being steered by a blind and perennially 'high' sailor. I hope the University of Port Harcourt, that awarded the myriad degrees can stand and defend this man's intellectual capacity. A popular producer whose record label produced the pre-election jingles today allegedly tweeted this 'i have never regretted any decision in my life but that my vote added to what brought this government to power is one i regret from my heart'. That this music producer and the top selling artiste on his label took part in the ridicule GEJ turned the pre-election presidential debate into is also not news. I only pray they have good explanations for their unborn children as to how much they traded their conscience for.

 

A certain 'Man of God' laid hands on GEJ prior to the elections and 'anointed' him to lead us to our 'promise-land'. Fortunately and unfortunately, this man is well respected and oversees a very large congregation. I also hope he has good and inspiring words of consolation for his teeming congregation when they start to feel the brunt of the fuel price hike. The Nigerian factor has crept into the church and whether we like it or not, we Christians voted en masse for this man (i didn't anyway). We vehemently asked for him because the other contenders were Islamists and we swapped objectivity for sentiments. We all aided in the creation of this monster and now karma has returned, dressed regally. We now go around greeting each other in the ever familiar phrase 'It is well'...but guess what Nigeria, it is NOT well! Look at the number of people Boko Haram has killed, look at the protests that have broken out in various parts of the nation, look at the state of Nigerian hospitals and universities! All is NOT well.

Jonathan has said he is ready to risk public disobedience to ensure his fuel subsidy removal stands. Mr Reuben Abati, his aide on media has said 'leadership is not about populism' and that the people must pay for the inefficiency and gross imbecility of the current administration. The same Reuben Abati who before 'God answered his prayers' used to tongue-lash government and its officials and its policies via his column in the Guardian titled 'Crossroads'.... Indeed everyone has a price. GEJ has said without fuel subsidy removal, this government will be broke in a few years and i again question his intellectual capacity. It is not rocket science, if you spend 1 billion naira annually on food for 2 households and 20 million dollars as annual international travelling expenses for the Vice President and several millions of naira for newspapers and periodicals for the same Vice President. How will the government not be broke. As far as i am concerned, the extra 1 trillion naira Mr Jonathan believes is subsidy is just more money for the cabal to share and he will give account one day, if not to Nigerians, to God. 

 Finally, i woke up this morning wishing Jonathan's fisherman father gave him shoes. Apparently, his lack of shoes and long distance bare-feet trekking during childhood made him a bit dysfunctional. We now have to suffer for the lack of shoes as he seems to now have a shoe fetish and insists on spending 1 trillion naira on shoes for him and the cabal. 

 Eventually, our children will ask 'what were my parents looking at'