The Fault In Our Stars

I recently taught my wife how to download torrents for movies on the internet and she learned very fast. Before I knew it, she was recommending movies she thought I would enjoy. So, she glowingly mentioned 'The Fault in Our Stars' some days ago and so I obliged and finally garnered enough patience to sit through the drama. Alas, her sterling recommendation was devoid of any element of hyperbole. The drama is indeed all that and a bag of chips thus the reason why I would recommend it for any insightful and deep-thinking person who seeks beyond the inane obscenities that have now pervaded the film industry.

The story essentially centered around two young terminally-ill

young people who despite their seemingly insurmountable health challenges fell in love. It wasn't the attendant physiological and biochemical disturbances their passionate love heralded that intrigued me; No. Far from it! We see that on E! everyday. It was the manner with which they cared for themselves even with the knowledge that death was a few yards away. At some point, the boy became really sick and asked his two closest friends to read him their eulogies. He said he wanted to attend his own funeral before he died. Usually, that would have been the 'wow' moment for me were this film one of the regulars. But no, so brilliant was this drama that this was just one of many such awe-inspiring moments. It made me reflect on something that crosses my mind every now and then. If you had to sit through your own funeral listening to elegies from 'friends and family', would you smile knowing they were speaking the truth about the beautiful life you lived or would you smirk knowing they were just being polite because courtesy demanded that they reserved what they really felt about the way you lived and so reeled out some bullshit about how wonderful a person you were. Trust me, you'll always know which it is. You just may never admit it.

Humans are naturally averse to the topic of death. It is something, even though we know is certain, we prefer to talk about in hushed tones. This I find rather unfortunate. Unfortunate, chiefly because I believe our world would probably be a better place if we came to terms with our mortality and the vanity of our existence. Every minute, God uses death to remind us that we are here transiently. That, one day, our hearts will stop like Segun Adebo's did in March. Like Folasade Odeneye's did two years and Adeolu Okulate's last year. Like someone's own somewhere will even before I finish this post. That is what we signed up for. Because 'there is an appointed time to be born and a set time to die' as Ecclesiastes admonishes us. To this end, I think people - Nigerians especially- should spend more time at funerals. As grim as that sounds, such occasions afford us the opportunity to reflect and revise the essence of our beings. Of course, I am assuming, you are not only going there to wrestle others for small-chops and souvenirs. One of my favorite lines from the movie was from Hazel at her lover's funeral. She said and I quote 'Funerals are not for the dead but for the living'. Damn! That's one 'heavy' assertion. Heavy to the tune of thousands of tonnes actually. Why? We often tag funerals in Nigeria as 'Celebration of Life', 'Glorious Exit', etc. We focus largely on the deceased so we kill cows and buy diamond-crusted caskets instead of teaching and reminding the living about the vanity of this rat race and the importance of doing good always.

You may think back now and fear your eulogy will essentially be 'wash'. Most of the watery and vague verses will try to portray you in good light to the strangers who never really knew you. But, you knew yourself so those verses won't fool you. You would smirk at the charade if you were seated in the front row instead of lying still from rigor mortis in the open casket at the front of the church. Alas, there's a chance to swap the smirk for a wholehearted smile on that inevitable day. Start to think of yourself less but of other people and how little acts of kindness can change our world. Give, not because you expect a reward but because God created the rich and the poor. Give, because according to James Keller, a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle and happiness never decreases by being shared. 

          "Here lies Oluwole...

           Husband of one...

           Father of three... 

           Son of God...

           Brother to a few... 

           Friend of many...

           Doctor to multitudes...

           Fisher of men"

My epitaph should read something like that. I haven't quite completed my eulogy though as I have come to find that every day we live on Earth we pen a line of that composition. So, we are not likely to complete it till the day we breathe our last. I encourage everyone to at least start writing one today, at least to this point of your life. Appreciate the privilege you have to improve what will be written and said about you. You are alive. It means God isn't done with you yet. Make it count!

Ultimately, I hope to live well enough that death won't scare me. That assures me I'll be smiling when it's just pitch darkness and seemingly eerie silence. 

Below are the lyrics of one of the most profound hymns I ever heard. Every line should be digested and regurgitated daily. These words of Charlotte Elliot (1789 - 1891) do I leave you with.

1. My God, my Father, while I stray
Far from my home on life's rough way
Oh, teach me from my heart to say,
"Thy will be done."

2. Though dark my path and sad my lot,
Let me be still and murmur not
Or breathe the prayer divinely taught,
"Thy will be done."

3. What though in lonely grief I sigh
For friends beloved, no longer nigh,
Submissive still would I reply--
"Thy will be done."

4. Though Thou hast called me to resign
What most I prized, it ne'er was mine;
I have but yielded what was Thine--
"Thy will be done."

5. Should grief or sickness waste away
My life in premature decay,
My Father, still I strive to say,
"Thy will be done."

6. Let but my fainting heart be blest
With Thy sweet Spirit for its Guest;
My God, to Thee I leave the rest--
"Thy will be done."

7. Renew my will from day to day;
Blend it with Thine and take away
All that now makes it hard to say,
"Thy will be done."

8. Then, when on earth I breathe no more,
The prayer, oft mixed with tears before,
I'll sing upon a happier shore,
"Thy will be done."

Note To Self

A lot of people do not know I got married recently. Those who eventually found out but were not invited have their theories as to why MY wedding was 'secret'. Others that came wanted to see with their ones eyes if it was true that like Achilles,another trojan warrior was about to bite the dust. Whatever the motive for being present or otherwise, I pray good things will abound in your homes also.

So, I have been getting 'quality' marriage advice from the four corners of the Earth. Interestingly, while I got advice from a man who had been married four times or so, I also got from a man who had been married to the same woman for close to four decades. It stirred some wonderment in me. Shouldn't the man with multiple marriages have better advice being that he has been in the fire many more times. Experience, after all, they say is the best teacher. From his point of view, the man who's been married for four decades doesn't know 'anything' about marriage. On the other hand, if he knows so much about marriage, why does he keep failing at it? Coincidence or just a bad streak? I don't have answers but I'll just leave that here for you to ponder on. 

I have keenly observed marriages and listened to married folks to get a feel of what the do's and don'ts are. Of course, I appreciate that no two marriages are the same and there are really no hard and fast rules when it comes to the revered institution. I have however noted a few things and while they are largely self notes, it may not be bad to hang them out here for any other person who might be seeking answers.

First, to the two people in the marriage. You are each other's all-in-all. You swore to become one before God and that is literally what it must be. Not one today and three and half tomorrow. Not one figuratively. One is one. What it means is that you must back each other no matter what. When it's your spouse against the world, you just must stand with them. They won't always make intelligent decisions and they will slip every now and then. Your duty is to support them regardless of how silly their decisions may seem. As a matter of policy, do not openly criticize your spouse or berate them in public. I believe that is entirely bedroom talk. Agree with them in public no matter how imbecilic you both look then treat it in private. You must not jump ship in public. It's hard to assess the depth of the betrayal it causes. No matter who is involved. Always remember that's the hand you want to hold when you breathe your last. When the whole world is against her or him,ensure you can be relied on to have their back. Just don't jump ship I urge you.

Second, to the man. Your duty is to communicate with your wife. You must talk to her so she does not assume. It is only by talking to her that she understands you better and can help you as God empowered her to in the book of Genesis. If it means reading the alphabets from A to Z every other day for lack of things to say, please do. Just make sure you are talking to your wife. Even when she upsets you and your feel your testicles are about to explode, a simple 'how are you?' will help. Don't keep grudges. That's an estrogen-esque trait that should be alien to men. Women can, certainly not men. Shock her by still asking how the day's going even when you had a big fight that morning. Don't get drawn into silent treatment techniques. They do more harm than good. It's actually personal to me and I'm working hard at correcting it. I'm also asking God for the grace to be a talking spouse. I believe it's essential for a good marriage.

Third, to the wife. Your husband is the singular most important entity in your aesthetic life. When you dress up or make up, don't do it so that 'people' will say you look good. Their opinion about how you look doesn't count! Well, except you are interviewing for a modelling job. Many women have missed this point. They would rather look beautiful for a world that really doesn't give a damn about them than for the man they would spend the rest of their lives with. So what you get are women who look like village witches while they are at home with their husbands because 'after all, nobody is looking at them and they are not going anywhere'. They would rather post pictures on Instagram and Facebook so they can get one million likes that don't really count at the expense of the one most precious 'like' that means the whole world. You use body magic to deceive the world that you are a hot married woman then you come home and take off the contraptions and expect your husband to pack you around the house with a shovel! It's very unfair. What is good enough for the goose is also good for the gander. As a matter of fact, it isn't even a goose-gander scenario, that's trivializing the subject. What is befitting for the villagers must not be offered to the king of the village. That is how you should see your husband. If it means going to bed in your body magic, then so be it. Who told you the man doesn't want to see a hot woman also? You either find a permanent fix for the truncal obesity or you get comfortable with it and stop deceiving the world and expecting him to 'understand'.

Marriage isn't easy. It's hard, just like the road that leads to Heaven. Only a few find it because 'narrow is the way'. But, it is an institution ordained by God and thus must be a good thing. Learn to reaffirm your commitment to making it work. Unfortunately, these days the whole world expects you to fail at it because 'it's not easy o'. So you'll be fighting against all odds but for the love of Christ, never give up on your spouse. And beware of the advice you dwell on. Those that say 'don't take this from your husband or your wife' have probably taken worse. Make your own rules. You will soon come to find out after the glitz and glamour and enriched wedding vendors, that it's you and your 'cross'. 

Endeavor to make the yoke easy and the burden light as Jesus asserted in the New Testament.